dng Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Hi Folks, Well, its been just about over a year now. She left and I haven't been the same since. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I had a few drinks with a female friend of mine of sunday and we broached the subject. She told me she couldn't believe I was still thinking about it. The truth is, I am. After months and months of therapy, I'm still coming to grips with the end of that long relationship. I'm sure now that it wasnt meant to be and we were on borrowed time for the whole deal. I mostly think about her when I feel alone and sad, or when I have big issues. I can't help but wonder what she would do, how she would deal with it. So, one year and I haven't met anyone remotely datable to me. I'm not sure what happened to me, I feel like I went from a state where everything was possible, I could litterally pick and choose almost any girl and date her, to a state where I deal with rejection on a regular basis. Perhaps it has to do with age, I started dating her in my mid twenties and she left in my mid thirties, she is seven years younger than me. I'm very very lonely in this city and one of my best friend is leaving the country for good to get married. We are not talking, I'm keeping to a strict NC regimen. I have other exes with whom I maintain some sort of contact, we will email here and there, but not her. I'm very dissappointed at the way she handled our breakup. After nine years, she asked for a break and simply never came back. Yeah, she called me alot, set up alot of meetings to get back together but would always flake out. I even let her borrow money from me, money she never paid back. No point in going over the whole thing again but she made it so much harder than it should have been, out of selfishness and I'm sure to this day she doesnt feel bad about it for a second. She was never reliable and always lied when we were together so it didnt come as a surprise that she would act the same way after, but still I was in a very emotional state and did not need that. I was never her doormat during the relationship, I always fiercly defended and protected my position and always made clear I knew right from wrong. I feel like a hurricane came throught my town and ripped everything up just for fun and just because. I finally moved out of the appartment we shared, about three weeks ago. And this morning, I finally quit the job I took to support us during her studies. I was supposed to go back to school when she would be done, instead, she left when she finished. I really feel like that one took alot from me and didnt give anything back. I feel pretty low today.
Author dng Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 So the end of this day is nearing. I'm not feeling so low anymore, I'm looking forward to a new life and a new futur for me. I do realize she is engrained in alot of my thoughts. Embedded in my thought process. I have to get rid of that, get rid of her, the version of her that lives in my head and to which I can also speak to, if I want to. Can anyone relate? How do I exorcize her, for good? I have nothing to remind me of her, except for a little plate with her university name on it. I got rid of everything, everything else. Photos, stuff she left behind (10 garbage bags of it), most of her furniture, all the garments she ever gave me...
Lemontang Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 It's a long process I know. But unfortunately you can never truly exorcize anyone who's had a huge impact on your life, especially after 9 years. regardless if it was a negative or positive relationship. But you will become indifferent. Ex's of mine pop into my mind every so often, not so about wondering what they are up to, but certain situations that come up in life and the different choices I made based on the experience at the time. Your making some changes for yourself now and no one else, hence why your thoughts are dwelling even more so on your ex. It's a connection your severing, all part of moving on. I've done this too and currently still in part. An ex of mine lived with me and helped me renovate my house, I even tried to move my career closer to home just to make it work (met her where I worked too), not to mention the councilling and fighting through the lies. I've now since moved on, grown, and my current GF of 10 months wants me to move in with her, plus I've just had a job offer from a client that I'm keen on taking up if it all pans out. So what does that mean for me? It means I finally lose this emotional tie I had to this ex having met here where I work now (An ex I haven't spoken to for well over a year), plus I move out of a house her and I spent so much time and money putting into making our home for a family we'd planned. So in part I'm hesitant because yes this ex had a huge impact on me on so many levels. But I also know I want nothing to do with her, as I'm in a place in my life now that doesn't have any room for her, let alone need. You did the right thing throwing that stuff out. Yes it's tough to do especially for such a long relationship (hey a lot of stuff and memories get accumulated over that time). I did this sometime ago myself, deleted photo's, emails and even contacted some friends who still had pics of us up on facebook to get rid of them (untagged is one thing, having it gone for good is another). It stopped me getting all thoughtful about the past. I mean I loved her for her, just not the person she eventually became and it's when I realised and accepted that I was able to throw all that stuff out. I can't give you a time, but once you sever all of the connections she'll eventually be nothing more than an afterthought you draw experience on when faced with other relationship hurdles with future partners.
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Ok, Im reading your first thread and I cant even fathom a 9 year relationship and how long it takes to get over that but I will say this. You need to refocus your train of thought. Do you know who you are? What's your identity? How would you describe yourself to a stranger? I would research creating a personal boundary and do so. Google it. The problem is that its about you, you are a man, you need to take control of your life and move forward and leave her in the past. These sentences actually make me cringe I mostly think about her when I feel alone and sad, or when I have big issues. I can't help but wonder what she would do, how she would deal with it. You should be solving these issues not her. Even in a relationship, you need to be looking within yourself to solve issues and if you can not do this on your own, by yourself, then you need to learn how to do so. So, one year and I haven't met anyone remotely datable to me. I'm not sure what happened to me, I feel like I went from a state where everything was possible, I could litterally pick and choose almost any girl and date her, to a state where I deal with rejection on a regular basis. This has nothing to do with the state you live in but your state of mind. You have no confidence in yourself. There's a saying. Reject the rejector. If you go out with a girl and she rejects you, shrug your shoulders and move on. Say to yourself she is not good enough to be with me in the first place Perhaps it has to do with age, I started dating her in my mid twenties and she left in my mid thirties, she is seven years younger than me. Age has nothing to do with it. I have taught my roommate some key points in talking to women and guess what, hes 38 and hes currently seeing a 27 year old and the both get along very well. This has to do with your lack of confidence in yourself I'm very very lonely in this city and one of my best friend is leaving the country for good to get married. Make new friends!!!! When you deal with a breakup, this is the first thing you want to do. Even while in a relationship, always keep building your circle of friends. I meet people all the time now, today I met a really awesome girl that's engaged and we were working out next to each other while laughing at how horrible the news was. Her and I just had a conversation about it and you know what she liked my positive personality in a difficult situation and came back and introduced herself to me and Im sure I will run into her again. I try to meet 5 new people everyweek that I want to associate with in my life. We are not talking, I'm keeping to a strict NC regimen. I have other exes with whom I maintain some sort of contact, we will email here and there, but not her. Good, to this day I am not friends with any of my ex's, especially if they dumped me. I get emails from time to time but I ignore them, I have better things to do like share some insight with you I'm very dissappointed at the way she handled our breakup. After nine years, she asked for a break and simply never came back. Yeah, she called me alot, set up alot of meetings to get back together but would always flake out. I even let her borrow money from me, money she never paid back. No point in going over the whole thing again but she made it so much harder than it should have been, out of selfishness and I'm sure to this day she doesnt feel bad about it for a second. You can not dwell on the past anymore. You are burning up emotional energy for something that you can not change. Use this is a lesson about you. You made a decision to let her borrow money. Did you get it back? No. Next time you will not let anyone borrow money from you because you learned that you will not get it back from the last decision you make. If you make the same decision again and you do not get your money back, then guess what, you never learned from your decision. It's no longer about her. It's about you. You made decisions in your relationship. Learn from them and use your experience based on YOUR decisions to make better decisions in the future She was never reliable and always lied when we were together so it didnt come as a surprise that she would act the same way after, but still I was in a very emotional state and did not need that. OK so now make sure you do not date anyone like this in the future, you see a redflag. If you see this redflag in any other friendships relationships, you need to jump ship and move on
sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Wilson-you are great! Sound advice and well put. I really admire you-shame youre not in London!
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Wilson-you are great! Sound advice and well put. I really admire you-shame youre not in London! Thank you, I appreciate your compliment and I take it to heart =) Everyone has this inside of them, they just need to unleash it. Before I met my ex, I was the most solid person on the planet. I dated a lot, I got rejected a lot and I rejected a lot. Internally I was solid inside and I knew what I wanted and what I did not want. But then she came along and I even told everyone that she's not my type, I would never date her. All my friends everyone. 2 years of a great friendship and closeness and I fell in love with someone I knew internally was not my type. It happened and my biggest lesson learned from my relationship is that no friendship is worth what she did to me. She found a small hole in my personal boundary and it was my trust in her as a friend. I trusted her with my life and even over my own intuition yelling at me that something is wrong. for over a year and a half. I walk away with this situation, not a loser even though I was dumped by a cheater. I walk away a winner. I learned how to defend myself from this type of behavior in the future. I learned that I come first and if my intuition is yelling, to take a step back and observe the situation I am in. Then make a decision (without hesitation) and move forward with it. When you make a decision, it can be a good or a bad decision but you learn from it and that makes you grow. I share this with people because it shows that I am just as vulnerable even though I am a well rounded gentleman.
sleepykitten Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 What an idiot she was to do that to you. You sound like you will be 100% fine,and have a wonderful future ahead of you, i really get so much from reading your posts, youre strong,(and write really well) and i really believe what you have written here-my ex was also not my type at all, my intuition also told me no, but i fell in love with lies and a fake really and didnt have the guts to walk away when I should have, i was unhappy for months and months to breaking point, and beyond, and still i didnt leave. I dont ever want to let that happen again. I will learn from this.I need to look after myself, have some boundries, some sense of self, i will pick myself up, no one else can do it for me.
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