I sometimes emotionally regress when I have a physical ailment

[betterdeal]

If, say, I get a sore back and it's persistent, I often end up regressing emotionally and feeling stuff about women I have been involved with in the past. That then distracts me from the physical ailment and attending to that.

 

I'm getting better at this spotting the connection, but I'd like to be able to deal with present-day misfortunes without referencing back to ex girlfriends in my thoughts. Hmm. Maybe that's a sort of child-like instinct looking for mummy to kiss it better?

 

I'll have a chat with my shrink about that when I get back from holiday.

[betterdeal]

Or maybe I need to have some more fun and expand my social life.

[cerridwen]

If, say, I get a sore back and it's persistent, I often end up regressing emotionally and feeling stuff about women I have been involved with in the past. That then distracts me from the physical ailment and attending to that.

 

I'm getting better at this spotting the connection, but I'd like to be able to deal with present-day misfortunes without referencing back to ex girlfriends in my thoughts. Hmm. Maybe that's a sort of child-like instinct looking for mummy to kiss it better?

 

I'll have a chat with my shrink about that when I get back from holiday.

 

I'd say there's quite a bit of this involved. It's natural to seek comfort when you're out of sorts. When I was last sick, I missed my ex terribly though he's someone I actually loathe.

 

A less conventional explanation involves the chakras and what exactly is activated by injury to certain parts of your body. Perhaps the feelings welled up because your Heart chakra was involved.

[betterdeal]

I guess it's part of the human condition (certainly this human's condition), whichever school(s) of philosophy you adhere to. I've also been crying a fair bit lately, especially at things on TV that involve a woman in distress: I always have found women crying upsetting. I suppose that's the point of crying - to convey sadness.

 

I found it hard to deal with my ex's free-flowing nature when she was upset. I enjoyed it when she was happy, but didn't know how to handle it when she was upset. She often seemed lost and would latch onto anyone she felt safe enough with to share her upset with. It was like she wanted to know what normal was. How to belong. But then it would dry up in a flash, she'd have offloaded it, and she'd have forgotten it. It was quite child-like.

 

Something happened to her around the age of 13 and she seemed like a 13 year old at those times, when she was open and vulnerable. The first time we were fondling each other, she said "make love" in a broken, meek, child-like voice and fell back, completely limp. I felt like I was holding a child. (I didn't have sex with her.) I was, (still am TBH) pretty much stuck at around about the same age in some respects.

 

She taught me a lot about love, sex, life, relationships, when she was in a more stable, grown-up state. We had fun and tenderness, which was something we were both short of for a long time.

 

It took me some time to figure out when she was taking the piss and when she was being genuine. But you can't kid a kidder, and we both figured each other's bull**** out. It was a big learning experience, getting and being gotten that deep into.

 

I guess we all have many layers from the superficial to the deep tissue (to draw an analogy with physical anatomy) and it takes being with someone as equally, erm, familiar and immune to the surface scars / defences to get that deep down to the real tender spots.

 

For an all too brief moment, we connected in a shameless, innocent, carefree way. Like a first love; as though we'd never been hurt before. It makes me sad that we didn't maintain that breakthrough, but it makes me happy that we had that breakthrough. Neither of us is a monster: we can love and be loved like that. It was seven years for me and five for her since we had last felt like that.

 

The mutual friend we met via also became exhausted of her "issues" and cut her off eventually. And then me too. But that was an unholy trinity (and a different story) too.

 

I am fascinated by, and adore, people who are genuine and consistent. I don't think they are better than me (or her). I used to, but I realise now they have just lived a different life, been thrown different dice, and have fewer reasons to put a show on.

 

We are who we are; it is what it is; there are no mistakes.

[PelicanPete]

Interesting topic

 

Did you have a frequently sore back in one or more of your relationships? Things like that can act as gateways to past memories and influence previous thought patterns.

 

It's similar to listening to music you use to listen to, and all the memories of when that music was valid come flooding back into your life.

 

I know when I was younger and was dealing with an emotionally traumatic event I listened to the same song over and over until I got completely tired of it. To this day when I hear that song I automatically start thinking and remembering what happened, what I was thinking, and how I felt. I made it a habit in my thinking to use that particular song as a psychological tool to recall those particular memories and emotions.

 

Another example is every time I have any sort of neck discomfort my first thought is peanut butter because my first memory of having a sore neck is when I was eating a peanut butter sandwich .

 

It's a double edged sword because by using a psychological tool to transfer your emotions elsewhere you're bringing it out of yourself, but depending on what tool you use it has the potential to return more vividly then an average memory.

 

Anyway, I could be wrong about your particular experience. Tell me what you think!

[betterdeal]

Thanks, Pete. I think I've associated emotional release with certain women in my life; women I have been close to and who have guided me in some way. I've been "in love" twice and both those women were very kind to me in that way. Maybe I've seen them as safe people to be vulnerable, emotionally, in front of. It also probably creates a fatal kink in the relationship - offloading on one person all the time takes its toll on the bond between you. Mind, most women I've been with have done similar with me e.g. offloaded their feelings.

 

But I'm working on being more emotionally open with more people, male friends (and myself) especially, and that's good. Bottling it all up and using dignified silences isn't a good thing, and neither is getting aggressive in response to all bad things.

 

I also think a lot of my buddies are wanting to share more, be a bit more open too, and discuss their issues with male friends. Maybe it's an age thing, as we're all late thirties now. It's important to have decent social networks, to not feel isolated. Gives us some measure of how ordinary our gripes are. I do share with female friends too, but it's good to build up the sense of fraternity too.

[cerridwen]

I guess it's part of the human condition (certainly this human's condition), whichever school(s) of philosophy you adhere to. I've also been crying a fair bit lately, especially at things on TV that involve a woman in distress: I always have found women crying upsetting. I suppose that's the point of crying - to convey sadness.

 

I found it hard to deal with my ex's free-flowing nature when she was upset. I enjoyed it when she was happy, but didn't know how to handle it when she was upset. She often seemed lost and would latch onto anyone she felt safe enough with to share her upset with. It was like she wanted to know what normal was. How to belong. But then it would dry up in a flash, she'd have offloaded it, and she'd have forgotten it. It was quite child-like.

Something happened to her around the age of 13 and she seemed like a 13 year old at those times, when she was open and vulnerable. The first time we were fondling each other, she said "make love" in a broken, meek, child-like voice and fell back, completely limp. I felt like I was holding a child. (I didn't have sex with her.) I was, (still am TBH) pretty much stuck at around about the same age in some respects.

 

She taught me a lot about love, sex, life, relationships, when she was in a more stable, grown-up state. We had fun and tenderness, which was something we were both short of for a long time.

 

It took me some time to figure out when she was taking the piss and when she was being genuine. But you can't kid a kidder, and we both figured each other's bull**** out. It was a big learning experience, getting and being gotten that deep into.

 

I guess we all have many layers from the superficial to the deep tissue (to draw an analogy with physical anatomy) and it takes being with someone as equally, erm, familiar and immune to the surface scars / defences to get that deep down to the real tender spots.

 

For an all too brief moment, we connected in a shameless, innocent, carefree way. Like a first love; as though we'd never been hurt before. It makes me sad that we didn't maintain that breakthrough, but it makes me happy that we had that breakthrough. Neither of us is a monster: we can love and be loved like that. It was seven years for me and five for her since we had last felt like that.

 

The mutual friend we met via also became exhausted of her "issues" and cut her off eventually. And then me too. But that was an unholy trinity (and a different story) too.

 

I am fascinated by, and adore, people who are genuine and consistent. I don't think they are better than me (or her). I used to, but I realise now they have just lived a different life, been thrown different dice, and have fewer reasons to put a show on.

 

We are who we are; it is what it is; there are no mistakes.

 

bd, I hope you don't mind me asking your thoughts on the bolded above.

But...

did your ex also have moments of regression in where she exhibited positive emotions? I'm struck by what you've described because it's something I'll do on rare occasion, except part of me is stuck at the age of 6.

 

I never exhibit childlike qualities in the realm of sexuality but when under great duress, I'll revert in subtle ways obvious only to my S.O.. Conversely, during moments of great joy, I feel boundless happiness to the point of jumping up and down. The latter people find rather fun but the former is something quite painful to me.

[betterdeal]

Absolutely she did, lots of the time. So did / do I. It's part of our appeal, right?

 

It feels quite scary at times because I become utterly suggestible in that state. If I feel safe in someone's company and end up in that state, I take their every word quite literally, and lose critical reasoning, which is liberating most of the time, but if I ever feel doubt I can become very paranoid because I don't know the subtext or have a decent sense of perspective. Jokes get taken seriously, which makes things all muddled.

 

And some people do take the piss, acting like kids forming a circle around one kid on a playground and taking turns to poke them from behind. You just have to pick your friends wisely, so that your inner child is safe when it comes out, I guess.

[cerridwen]

Absolutely she did, lots of the time. So did / do I. It's part of our appeal, right?

 

It feels quite scary at times because I become utterly suggestible in that state. If I feel safe in someone's company and end up in that state, I take their every word quite literally, and lose critical reasoning, which is liberating most of the time, but if I ever feel doubt I can become very paranoid because I don't know the subtext or have a decent sense of perspective. Jokes get taken seriously, which makes things all muddled.

 

And some people do take the piss, acting like kids forming a circle around one kid on a playground and taking turns to poke them from behind. You just have to pick your friends wisely, so that your inner child is safe when it comes out, I guess.

 

Thanks for responding to my terrible thread jacking.

You've brought me much comfort however so can't say I feel too badly.

 

I had some EMDR around the trauma but I've chosen to let things lie.

Creativity is my bread and butter and tapping into that young playful me has afforded me a nice living.

I've always feared complete integration would change me, and jeopardize my livelihood.

As uncomfortable as sudden regressions can be, the fact is it'd be better to put energy toward excepting my quirks.

Thank you so much for helping me see that.

 

Back to you.

Did your analyst have any insight or opinion on the mind-body connection?

[betterdeal]

Thanks for responding to my terrible thread jacking.

You've brought me much comfort however so can't say I feel too badly.

 

I had some EMDR around the trauma but I've chosen to let things lie.

Creativity is my bread and butter and tapping into that young playful me has afforded me a nice living.

I've always feared complete integration would change me, and jeopardize my livelihood.

As uncomfortable as sudden regressions can be, the fact is it'd be better to put energy toward excepting my quirks.

Thank you so much for helping me see that.

 

Back to you.

Did your analyst have any insight or opinion on the mind-body connection?

 

Blimey, I'd lost this thread in the milieu. Sorry, for not responding sooner, Cerriders.

 

Not had any feedback from either therapist about the regression side of things. I have a bit of a nark with therapists. They all seem to be middle class, settled down, calm people. Has its place, but how do you relate to someone who has lived a very different life from you without just hanging out for a long time and getting to know each other's quirks? Throw in the fact you have to pay for their company, and, at best, they're mechanics who can help you tackle specific issues. Good friends and family on the other hand like and help you "despite" knowing you really well.

 

I'm tending towards the cry for help / mother idea when I'm poorly. The last woman I was close to helped me out emotionally and put up with a lot of crap that other women would have run away from (and vice versa, me her). It's easy for people to say "red flag", "steer clear", "dodged a bullet" and all that fearful stuff, but it leaves a lot of people isolated and frustrated that people back off from them. When you find someone who isn't afraid of you, you can make a connection, a deep connection. I guess that's why people with deep issues tend to connect with each other. Having been brutalised you're able to look beyond the superficial indignities and wounds because it doesn't bother you.

 

Back to you. I agree with you. Don't feel pressured to change. Just change your niche, where you are, who you hang out with, to suit your character. A bit like a hermit crab - find the right shell to live in rather than trying to squish into one that doesn't fit. It's all about finding a way to live that makes you happy.

 

You're beautiful as you are and the world is a more colourful place with you in it.