Country_Girl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Been dating 3 weeks, spend pretty much every day together. We talked about spirituality on our 2nd date, thought we were on the same page, though we just only nicked the subject that day. Last night he was driving me home, I have a few theories on the afterlife- I consider myself pretty open minded, and I have "guesses" about everything but would never discredit someones ideas/beliefs. I have a theory that we are all energy- that when we die that energy just changes form. Our bodies and matter are solid because we are on a different vibrational level. Spirits can pass through solid matter because their vibration is higher. He doesn't know if there is or isn't a god, I really don't know his exact beliefs because he pretty much listened to my theories. I told him when 2 bad things happened in my life I lost a cross necklace both times, that I took it as a sign that god was looking out for me. Today he picks me up, we do some apartment looking for him as he is looking to relocate. He told me to call him when I get out of work, I thought I was off at 10, but didn't get out till 11. He seemed kinda irked because he waited around at home for an hour when he could have been napping. So, he's driving me home from work and says he wished we would have talked about beliefs/theories a few weeks ago, because he just can't date someone that "lives in a different reality than him". Twisted my words about me losing the cross necklace into "I believe in charms". I said no, I took it as a sign. He was condescending and said "so you think god has the time to rescue some people over others". I said "No, but I do believe in the power of prayer, we are all connected, so 50 people praying over something over 1 person might make more of a difference as a greater need is expressed to the universe". He's like "Yeah, I just can't agree with that" and kinda laughed it off. I said "Why can't I have my beliefs, and you have yours, and we both are content?" He said "Because I just can't take you seriously anymore". The rest of the 20 minutes ride was spent in silence. I had bought him some shower stuff earlier in the week cuz he had like no shampoo, soap or anything- apparently he had that bagged up and waiting in he car to give back to me. He got out of the car to get it out of the back seat. He said "well I wish you well". I said "uh hum", couldn't look him in the eye and walked to my doorstep. He waited in the drive as I fumbled looking for my keys, I opened the door and shut it- did not look back. This hurts, I was really getting attached to him. I enjoyed our time together. I just don't understand why some people have to be so close minded and respect that we all have our own beliefs, and that's what makes us unique. Deeply disappointed.
musemaj11 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Men expect all women to be potential psychos and new age belief is one of the most major warnings.
sb129 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 CG, I am really sorry you have been through this, and it must hurt. On the flip side, while it sucks that he was so blunt about it, at least he was honest and upfront about it and didn't string you along after learning something about you that he was uncomfortable with. Beliefs are so personal, and he obviously feels strongly enough about the matter to consider it a dealbreaker- its not your fault or anything personal against you, its whats unique about him. Sadly it means you aren't compatible. I think its easier to respect different beliefs between friends than it is to respect it between partners, especially when you have been in a relationship long enough to be considering marriage and/ or children. I am married and have a young daughter, and I am glad my husband and I share the same beliefs as its important to me that my daughter is brought up in the same environment. If we were clashing over such a fundamental thing it would be bad for our marriage and for bad our daughter. While it may not seem like it now, I think you have dodged a bullet here.
Author Country_Girl Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks guys. I guess I just don't understand...I was raised catholic, but I openly went to non denominational, Baptist, Methodist, etc, churches to support friends/SO's. I've always tried to expand my horizons because the truth is, we don't know 100%, we can have our faith, but nothing provided is fact- so I think it's important to welcome all thoughts of belief. I just don't see it as being a source of conflict so long as I respect my SO's belief and support them in that. If anything, I am just irked that he twisted my words. God forbid I be an independent thinker. Just really upsetting that I thought we could have a deep conversation, and it was a bust, clearly not meant to be. I wish I could tell him how he twisted what I said, but anything would look like I'm just trying to convince him. And I'm sad...there was nothing said of wanting to be friends. It was so weird, he talked to me completely different, I could tell he lost respect for me...and I think that's why there was no mention of maintaining any kind of friendship, because like he said, he'll never take me seriously again.
sb129 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Don't you think that says more about him than it says about you?
Voldar Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks guys. I guess I just don't understand...I was raised catholic, but I openly went to non denominational, Baptist, Methodist, etc, churches to support friends/SO's. I've always tried to expand my horizons because the truth is, we don't know 100%, we can have our faith, but nothing provided is fact- so I think it's important to welcome all thoughts of belief. I just don't see it as being a source of conflict so long as I respect my SO's belief and support them in that. If anything, I am just irked that he twisted my words. God forbid I be an independent thinker. Just really upsetting that I thought we could have a deep conversation, and it was a bust, clearly not meant to be. I wish I could tell him how he twisted what I said, but anything would look like I'm just trying to convince him. And I'm sad...there was nothing said of wanting to be friends. It was so weird, he talked to me completely different, I could tell he lost respect for me...and I think that's why there was no mention of maintaining any kind of friendship, because like he said, he'll never take me seriously again. I think sb is right though, you probably dodged a bullet here. Your beliefs would probably clash later down the road and cause all sorts of problems. It was rude of him to twist your words though, he could have been more mature about it and said he didn't agree with your beliefs and felt it was a deal breaker and leave it at that.
Eeyore79 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Tbh, if you said to me stuff like "we're all energy", "different vibrational level", "I took it as a sign", "I believe in the power of prayer" - I would have thought you were one of these New Age nuts (or at the very least knew nothing about science), and I'd have run a mile, the same as this guy did. Stuff like "different vibrational level" just sounds like crazy talk to me - what's vibrating, and through what medium does it propagate?
Voldar Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Tbh, if you said to me stuff like "we're all energy", "different vibrational level", "I took it as a sign", "I believe in the power of prayer" - I would have thought you were one of these New Age nuts (or at the very least knew nothing about science), and I'd have run a mile, the same as this guy did. Stuff like "different vibrational level" just sounds like crazy talk to me - what's vibrating, and through what medium does it propagate? As I understand her post she did come off as weird when you put it the way you did, about running away if she said just those lines by themselves. I think if he had fully read her explanation above he'd have seen she wasn't and isn't a nut. I believe one of the lines she wrote about no one being 100% sure (my opinion; I understand others may not think the same way). When you talk to a person who believes that no one is 100% sure, they are open to just about anything, which is awesome. What her theories (in my opinion) show is that we don't know everything about everything, science, god, etc etc. So it's fine to believe in what you want, some people just aren't open minded, others are. Everyone has their own beliefs and opinions and she's right, you should respect others but in this case she got a guy who just wasn't compatible with her because he didn't see it that way.
sb129 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I don't think its CGs beliefs that are the subject of the thread. She already feels bad- give her a break. We don't have to all believe in the same thing to be sympathetic towards someone who has been hurt.
Eeyore79 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I am sympathetic to her pain But I think that to avoid a similar thing happening again, it's better to keep new-age-type beliefs to yourself. A lot of people are put off by that sort of thing. If someone says that no-one is 100% sure, that's usually an excuse to believe any old nonsense.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 To be honest, I am pretty open minded about that stuff but if you said it to me I would think it's weird. I just had bad experiences with new age-y people. My last bf was heavily into it and talked about it from day 1. I didn't really mind it at the time but he later turned out to be into ritual animal sacrifices and some other pretty weird s%^&. Now, I know not all people are like that but it would still be a flag to me.
Voldar Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 If someone says that no-one is 100% sure, that's usually an excuse to believe any old nonsense. I do understand that you're trying to help though by saying not to just go out and talk to a guy about what she believes... but what about later? Someday he may want to know and as it was stated before they'd just clash then. Side note (not specific to you Eeyore): Also if this wasn't about her beliefs then it probably wouldn't be in the title and a part of the discussion. She can take all our advice, or none of it. But do understand that if you're there to comfort, great, but some of us have a different perspective to share and we may not all agree... but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be shared to benefit her. I understand that people come her for advice from different people as a whole. While I may not agree completely with Eeyore about not sharing, it doesn't mean I don't respect his/her advice to her, maybe she wants to try that. Maybe she just wants comfort... who knows, but the forum is public and we are within our bounds of the rules. So advice comes in many forms.
oldguy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Men expect all women to be potential psychos and new age belief is one of the most major warnings. ALL men don't expect ALL woman to be any one thing or another. I don't believe this is a, 'men versus woman' deal. Sorry. And I definitely don't think that someone being open minded & having an original thought is a sign they are, 'psychos'. I understand that's not your point either musemj, I was simply taking the opportunity to clarify mine. Tbh, if you said to me stuff like "we're all energy", "different vibrational level", "I took it as a sign", "I believe in the power of prayer" - I would have thought you were one of these New Age nuts (or at the very least knew nothing about science), and I'd have run a mile, the same as this guy did. Stuff like "different vibrational level" just sounds like crazy talk to me - what's vibrating, and through what medium does it propagate? Good 'science begins with being open minded enough to explore the unknown & seemingly unknowable. The Earth being round & not the center of the universe was just a bunch of unscientific, crazy talk at one time too, at least until some had the courage to consider it. I also think that CG is better off without someone who is not as open minded as she is.
phineas Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 There is also the chance he just wasn't that into her & took the cowards way out & used that as an excuse to dump her.
Eeyore79 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 The Earth being round & not the center of the universe was just a bunch of unscientific, crazy talk at one time too, at least until some had the courage to consider it. There is, and always has been, evidence that the earth is round. There is no evidence for some of the other stuff people believe. If someone believes random ideas with no basis in scientific fact, a lot of people will think they're nuts. What puzzles me is how believing in things with no evidence is somehow acceptable if it's "religion", but not if it's "new age"! Personally I tend to put them all in the same basket. Anyway, my original point was that people think you're nuts if you have unscientific beliefs that they don't share. This applies to religious people versus atheists, as well as new age people versus everyone else. In general, everyone is better off looking for someone whose beliefs match their own, because the alternative is keeping quiet about your beliefs so as not to turn the other person off. However it's probably easier to find someone who shares your religious beliefs than to find someone who shares your new age beliefs.
sunshinegirl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Sorry to hear it, OP. Hopefully before long you'll appreciate the "rip the bandaid" way this budding relationship ended. I think it's a good thing you were open about your beliefs, and a good thing he was so clear that it was a deal-breaker for him. (I mean, it's much much better than getting even more attached, and then going through a lengthy painful parting.) He could have done it with more maturity & class, but look at it this way: he showed you who he is. When people show you what they're like in moments of disagreement, argument, stress, strife... that's a window into what they will be like later when things get tough.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 There is also the chance he just wasn't that into her & took the cowards way out & used that as an excuse to dump her. Good point. Although I have to say that if a woman told me she believed in spirits travelling through solid objects thanks to a higher rate of vibration, I probably wouldn't dump her immediately but definitely rule out the possibility of a serious relationship leading to marriage and kids.
KR10N Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 So, he's driving me home from work and says he wished we would have talked about beliefs/theories a few weeks ago, because he just can't date someone that "lives in a different reality than him". Twisted my words about me losing the cross necklace into "I believe in charms". I said no, I took it as a sign. He was condescending and said "so you think god has the time to rescue some people over others".That was actually quite ignorant. If he's just going to twist your words around & use them against you, I'd say it's very likely for him to do this often. What's the point in even talking to someone if they aren't willing to listen? It's probably best that this issue arouse sooner, rather than later. I say just forget this guy & find someone who's open minded.
make me believe Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 But I think that to avoid a similar thing happening again, it's better to keep new-age-type beliefs to yourself. Why? So that a few months down the line it can come back to bite her in the butt when she does open up about it & he decides he doesn't like what he hears? And at that point she's even more attached to him & gets even more hurt? Spiritual/religious beliefs, or lack thereof, can be dealbreakers, and I think it's best to get that stuff out in the open from the beginning. Telling her to "keep it to herself" because some people might not like it is totally condescending. CG, I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. If he twisted your words like that so early on, imagine how much worse it could get later. You'll be better off with a guy who either has more similar beliefs as you, or a lot more respect for different beliefs than this guy does.
tigressA Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 People get dumped for much sillier reasons every day. Like someone else said, beliefs are extremely personal. I do believe he could've been more mature in the way he approached it, though. Twisting your words around is rude.
Shaun-Dro Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks guys. I guess I just don't understand...I was raised catholic, but I openly went to non denominational, Baptist, Methodist, etc, churches to support friends/SO's. I've always tried to expand my horizons because the truth is, we don't know 100%, we can have our faith, but nothing provided is fact- so I think it's important to welcome all thoughts of belief. I just don't see it as being a source of conflict so long as I respect my SO's belief and support them in that. If anything, I am just irked that he twisted my words. God forbid I be an independent thinker. Just really upsetting that I thought we could have a deep conversation, and it was a bust, clearly not meant to be. I wish I could tell him how he twisted what I said, but anything would look like I'm just trying to convince him. And I'm sad...there was nothing said of wanting to be friends. It was so weird, he talked to me completely different, I could tell he lost respect for me...and I think that's why there was no mention of maintaining any kind of friendship, because like he said, he'll never take me seriously again. I'm impressed with the fact that you have spiritual beliefs and also have respect for others with similar or dissimilar ones to you. It shows a level of maturity which is sorely lacking today in at least 75% of women. Ask any one who've reviewed my threads: I DO NOT impress easily. I wish you luck in your quest in finding your equal.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 He sounds immature and judgmental. Your beliefs aren't crazy, and they aren't hurting anybody. I think it's probably for the best that you won't have to deal with such a closed-minded guy.
OliveOyl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I'm a former New Age "nut" and still believe in a lot of the underlying spiritual philosophies, but most of the time I don't talk about it unless people ask or unless the conversation gets steered toward those specific topics. It's never been a problem with dating at all. I used to want someone who believed exactly as I did but two things happened... I learned it doesn't really matter so much, as long as they are somewhat open-minded and not rigidly fixed in their beliefs, and secondly, I've totally relaxed over the years and don't even think about it so much these days. (My crystals are packed away in some box and I don't even know where they are ) I find it strange that he seemed to be okay with your beliefs three weeks ago and then suddenly it changed. In any case, it sounds like you're better off without him. He sounds pretty close-minded. That would be the deal-breaker, not that someone doesn't share my specific beliefs. And the belief system commonly known as "New Age" has nothing to do with ritual animal sacrifices. Really nothing.
oldguy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 There is, and always has been, evidence that the earth is round. There is no evidence for some of the other stuff people believe. If someone believes random ideas with no basis in scientific fact, a lot of people will think they're nuts. What puzzles me is how believing in things with no evidence is somehow acceptable if it's "religion", but not if it's "new age"! Personally I tend to put them all in the same basket. Actually, at one time there was no real evidence of either. And, today there is NO evidence of 'string theory' either but we continue to pursue it, and I think that is a good thing. Look, I do get your point but I guess I've always admired those who have the courage to think outside of the box, the artists & the scientists. Anyway, my original point was that people think you're nuts if you have unscientific beliefs that they don't share. This applies to religious people versus atheists, as well as new age people versus everyone else. In general, everyone is better off looking for someone whose beliefs match their own, because the alternative is keeping quiet about your beliefs so as not to turn the other person off. However it's probably easier to find someone who shares your religious beliefs than to find someone who shares your new age beliefs. Exactly, I couldn't agree more, that is why I thought she was better off without him. It might be easier to find someone who shares your religious beliefs but if you don't express those beliefs it will be impossible. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." (& current science)
TaurusTerp Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I'm sorry, but I would've run too. I don't see his way of breaking up with you as immature, either. He presented you with the facts up front about how he felt, albeit with a hefty dose of condescension. It's not someone else's responsibility to sugarcoat things, though. Grow some thicker skin, move on. And don't talk about these sorts of things early on.
Recommended Posts