Eternal Sunshine Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Just a little lesson I have learned. I thought that in my current relationship I was gonna reveal all. I am usually on the "too closed off" side. So for the sake of doing something different I was open. Too open. It started out small, explaining how scared I am of getting hurt. Then it snowballed. I told him about every girl that he knows and that I am jealous of. I told him how I think I am fat all the time. I asked him "are we OK?" every time I sensed even a little bit of distance from him. I asked him that question a lot. I asked him if he was attracted to me every time we had sex once instead of 2 or 3 times per night. I know that he lost a lot of respect for me in the process. He told me that he is walking on eggshells all the time and thus made some mistakes on his end. I broke up with him twice over those mistakes. Then I took him back after he practically begged. He has just left for Europe for 4 weeks. We are still together but hanging on by a thread. I sincerely believe that he loves me but I don't think that we can last Nothing I can do from now on will make much difference. I gave him a long hand written letter and told him to read it on the plane. He gave me a CD with "Save the last dance" and told me to listen to the lyrics. It's funny, I said a year ago how all I wanted was to experience a few months of what requited love feels like. Be careful what you wish for. I don't think I have ever felt this vulnerable.
utterer of lies Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Just a little lesson I have learned. Not sure you actually learned the lesson, what with the second part of your post and all.
tb24 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation. I'm usually closed off and my girlfriend broke up with me because of it. I turned it around and started telling her more stuff (at her request) and really made an effort to open up to her. I told her about how I'd been hurt before, that I get jealous and that I have low self esteem. To start with she seemed interested in me and like she wanted to get back together again but she just became incredibly distant and practically stopped talking to me. Perhaps I went too far the other way. Oh well back to being reserved it is :-(
P&R Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I was able to get mine in check but now my girlfriend is running herself ragged. Insecurities will totally ruin relationships. Now we're working to fix them.
nana841121 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 How to balance between being closed up and being opened up? Everything is about balance. we learn from our experiences.
robdrm32 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I agree, my insecurities kept alot of relationships from even starting. And the ones that did only lasted like 3 months the longest. I find that in ANY case, for a man, sharing feelings without being prompted is a bad thing to do. No matter what women say if a man shows his vulnerabilities too often, it is a turn-off. right now though, i would love to have an insecure g/f. I would love that feeling like they are scared and are so worried about me liking them etc. Not because I would take advantage of it, but the complete opposite. I would feel lucky. I have guy friends that complain about it and while i don't say anything all i can think is "atleast you know she cares"
Dazdnconfuzed Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Just a little lesson I have learned. I thought that in my current relationship I was gonna reveal all. I am usually on the "too closed off" side. So for the sake of doing something different I was open. Too open. It started out small, explaining how scared I am of getting hurt. Then it snowballed. I told him about every girl that he knows and that I am jealous of. I told him how I think I am fat all the time. I asked him "are we OK?" every time I sensed even a little bit of distance from him. I asked him that question a lot. I asked him if he was attracted to me every time we had sex once instead of 2 or 3 times per night. I know that he lost a lot of respect for me in the process. He told me that he is walking on eggshells all the time and thus made some mistakes on his end. I broke up with him twice over those mistakes. Then I took him back after he practically begged. He has just left for Europe for 4 weeks. We are still together but hanging on by a thread. I sincerely believe that he loves me but I don't think that we can last Nothing I can do from now on will make much difference. I gave him a long hand written letter and told him to read it on the plane. He gave me a CD with "Save the last dance" and told me to listen to the lyrics. It's funny, I said a year ago how all I wanted was to experience a few months of what requited love feels like. Be careful what you wish for. I don't think I have ever felt this vulnerable. I have been reading your posts all the time ES. This is made me actually want to respond. Now that you have felt that requited love and feel so vulnerable, what are you going to do about it? Do you find that you need a fresh relationship to try and start over knowing what you know about yourself now or can you see yourself repairing this relationship? If you peer into yourself at these moments, I think that is when you can learn the most about your own insecurities. You do not have to state them here on LS but you do have to be brutally honest with yourself to uncover the monkey wrenches in your mental engine.
Nexus One Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) I don't think many people are going to agree with me here, but I actually think you guys fit well together. You know why? 1. You both are emotional people. 2. He begged you twice to take him back. When a man does that he basically sacrifices his pride in the name of his love for a woman. Sure you could say he handed his balls on a silver platter to her, but there's also bravery in that, because for a guy that's exposing his vulnerability. There are men who will not do that in an entire lifetime. 3. He puts up with your peculiarities. 4. You put up with his breaches of boundaries. One facet of love is also loyalty. After the turmoil you both been through you are still together. That counts for something. Besides, sooner or later your insecure side would have come out anyway, whether it was with this guy or another guy. In my opinion, for you ES, it's better that it comes out with a guy that is able to accept it and/or that is able to put up with it to a certain degree and a guy that has demonstrated that he wants you despite your peculiarities, which after begging twice I think he did. I still think you guys are going to make that 1 year mark. His vacation to Europe might just be the breathing space you both need for a while. Edited July 12, 2011 by Nexus One
denise_xo Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Nothing I can do from now on will make much difference. I think you should reconsider this sentence. I doubt that it's true.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I have random thoughts at the moment after reading this thread: Yes, we have to keep our insecurities in check. You can't just spill out your insides on somebody, and make a mess of that relationship. As it turns out, everything we think is a disaster is not - we simply need to rise above the occasion and take a breath. It's usually just our own head that's insecure, not anything else. Creating security for ourselves is key. When we share our life with someone, it's not in order to make them feel bad. "Relax!" is probably the best word of encouragement I've ever received.
Teknoe Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 It's funny, I said a year ago how all I wanted was to experience a few months of what requited love feels like. Be careful what you wish for. Indeed. That's why I tell the LS guys here in particular, it's NOT about finding the right one.... it's about BECOMING the right one. Our goal shouldn't be to find someone that makes us happy because guess what, if we're not "whole and complete" ourselves first, and happy being alone, how in sam hill do you expect to be happy with someone else? It will always end in misery. As I've always stated, here's a relationship formula for ya: Not ready + not ready = misery Ready + not ready = frustrated ready + ready = optimal chance for success LS folks, INVEST IN YOUR OWN STOCK! Build up your self-confidence, your self-worth, and your skills! We should look to improve on our shortcomings before even seriously consider pursuing a relationship. Because in the end, a quality lasting relationship will be built on you having as LEAST AMOUNT OF BAGGAGE AS POSSIBLE. I highly recommend viewing this video. It talks about investing in your own stock
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I have random thoughts at the moment after reading this thread: Yes, we have to keep our insecurities in check. You can't just spill out your insides on somebody, and make a mess of that relationship. As it turns out, everything we think is a disaster is not - we simply need to rise above the occasion and take a breath. It's usually just our own head that's insecure, not anything else. Creating security for ourselves is key. When we share our life with someone, it's not in order to make them feel bad. . This is a great post. I'd also add that when we share our life with someone, it's not to use them to make ourselves feel better.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 That's why I tell the LS guys here in particular, it's NOT about finding the right one.... it's about BECOMING the right one. Our goal shouldn't be to find someone that makes us happy because guess what, if we're not "whole and complete" ourselves first, and happy being alone, how in sam hill do you expect to be happy with someone else? It will always end in misery. LS folks, INVEST IN YOUR OWN STOCK! Build up your self-confidence, your self-worth, and your skills! We should look to improve on our shortcomings before even seriously consider pursuing a relationship. Hallelujah!!!
SmileFace Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Indeed. That's why I tell the LS guys here in particular, it's NOT about finding the right one.... it's about BECOMING the right one. Our goal shouldn't be to find someone that makes us happy because guess what, if we're not "whole and complete" ourselves first, and happy being alone, how in sam hill do you expect to be happy with someone else? It will always end in misery. As I've always stated, here's a relationship formula for ya: Not ready + not ready = misery Ready + not ready = frustrated ready + ready = optimal chance for success LS folks, INVEST IN YOUR OWN STOCK! Build up your self-confidence, your self-worth, and your skills! We should look to improve on our shortcomings before even seriously consider pursuing a relationship. Because in the end, a quality lasting relationship will be built on you having as LEAST AMOUNT OF BAGGAGE AS POSSIBLE. This has to be about the best thing I ever read on LS
Enchanted Girl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 While all this is good advice to some degree, you also have to realize that everyone has faults and struggles. If you wait until you are a perfect person with no weaknesses before you get into a relationship, then you'll be single until death.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 While all this is good advice to some degree, you also have to realize that everyone has faults and struggles. If you wait until you are a perfect person with no weaknesses before you get into a relationship, then you'll be single until death. True, but your SO shouldn't be the one carrying the weight of your insecurities and being the one responsible for making you feel whole and secure. You absolutely must be in a relatively good place before being able to have a healthy relationship.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 True, but your SO shouldn't be the one carrying the weight of your insecurities and being the one responsible for making you feel whole and secure. You absolutely must be in a relatively good place before being able to have a healthy relationship. Let me put it this way . . . . You should be able to survive without your SO. Because there is no promise that they will always be there and some people get driven away by listening to someone talk about their problems too much, BUT . . . If you act all the time like you're perfectly happy without them and never need their encouragement or help in anything, most of them will start feeling unneeded by you and will leave you for that reason as well.
Teknoe Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 While all this is good advice to some degree, you also have to realize that everyone has faults and struggles. If you wait until you are a perfect person with no weaknesses before you get into a relationship, then you'll be single until death. No one's saying to wait until you're perfect, because nobody ever is. I said exactly what I said: work on your shortcomings (i.e. becoming the right person) while waiting for the right person. Too many people simply wait for the right one WITHOUT even attempting to work on becoming the right one. And that's bad waiting. Instead, ACTIVELY wait. That means while you wait, work on your own stuff proactively. Nobody is ever without baggage, but I think we can all agree there is a BIG difference between a person carrying 2-3 bags of luggage versus someone carrying 10 or more. We'll never reduce our baggage to zero. The goal is reducing the number down AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. In the end, we're all broken to some degree. Some just more broken than others (because they don't work on their end at all, they just wish for the right person to show up magically and they obsess over it 24/7 rather than use that time to better themselves, whether in their career or education.)
rafallus Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 While all this is good advice to some degree, you also have to realize that everyone has faults and struggles. If you wait until you are a perfect person with no weaknesses before you get into a relationship, then you'll be single until death. You have to use some level of common sense to know, what stuff is irrelevant, and what must be fixed.
Els Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 ES, if you really believe nothing you do now will make a difference, without even trying, you have not really changed your fatalistic attitude at all.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Enjoy the "intrigue" thread in the "jealousy" department for an inside look at insecurities and unrealistic needs run amok.
oaks Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 He has just left for Europe for 4 weeks. We are still together but hanging on by a thread. I thought you split up? Well, congratulations on getting back together! Don't you dare start thinking things like "He's been gone for n days and hasn't called so I'm sure it's all over because of all the European girls he's obviously banging" because it won't end well. Where's he going? We have enough LSers in Europe to check up on him for you.
flyfiona Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I have read your post, its so interesting and you have learned a big lesson. Its very important to check our insecurities.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 ARGH let my old threads die. Die, die, die. I don't want to even think about this anymore.
carhill Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 ES, we did (let it die); it was a spambot which resurrected it. Computers have no insecurities, but can be unsecured
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