Insecurities

[eerie_reverie]

I feel like I've hit the jackpot with the guy I am seeing.

 

He's smart, cute, successful, single, not a womanizer, not desperate, not slutty, likes to run, doesn't smoke, likes kids, is close to his family, and is affecionate, available, and open as a book. Additionally I am really attracted to him, we already have a decent friendship, and he cracks me up.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with our budding romance; no weird signals at all to decode. He appears to be 100% into me, taking me out, checking in nightly since our first date, respecting my desire to go slow physically, and letting me know verbally how much he likes me. All my gut feelings about him have been overwhelmingly positive.

 

And yet... I second guess all my moves. There's not a lot I'm insecure about these days, but I guess it just goes to show, insecure people will ALWAYS find something. Self esteem really does come from the inside.

 

My insecurities lately have been:

 

1. Regarding my body, which is a new one for me. Ironically I am in the best shape of my life: I'm healthy, strong, a fast runner, and my body fat percentage is the lowest it's ever been in my life... but I have developed a crippling insecurity about my height and breasts. Guys like small girls with big breasts and I am a tall muscular girl with breasts that are smaller-than-average. I keep worrying he is going to catch on to this fact and re-evaluate his feelings for me.

 

I really don't know where these thoughts about my body are coming from. I've never had them before in my life, and I'm not sure how to deal.

 

2. Regarding my musical knowledge. It isn't that my knowledge is particularly bad. It just seems like all the guys I pick up expect it to be really awesome. I have unintentionally almost exclusively dated musicians who all assumed I was hipper than I really am, and I feel like i've been a disappointment; my first bf actually left me in part because I was not a musician. This guy is a weekend musician as well and rather than thinking of that as a plus, it makes me uncomfortable that he too will be disappointed.

 

3. My complete apathy about news/ politics. I know my beliefs but I'm busy and don't go out of my way to find out what's going on. This hasn't come up with this guy yet, but he's a lawyer and I know he's into that s!ht. Once again, I feel like I'm about to disappoint him.

 

4. My past. I haven't asked him about his sexual experience, but I'm guessing it's less than mine. It's not that mine's bad (no FWB's, ONS's, or STD's), but I've had a couple-years worth of crappy short-term relationships that I shouldn't have been in, in the first place. He knows a few guys I have dated and appears to have no problem with that, but I keep expecting him suddenly start judging me or get insecure.

 

I know there is a lot I bring to the table, I know that he really likes me, and I know that he is the kind of guy I've been waiting for, the reason I haven't settled.

 

So how do I get over feeling like I'm not making an A and that he can therefore do better?

Edited July 12, 2011 by eerie_reverie

[johan]

He has already picked up on the shape of your body and the shape of your breasts. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me. Actually body type is usually just a ballpark thing for guys. And I don't think most guys prefer small girls with big breasts.

 

He doesn't care about your musical knowledge.

 

If he was so into politics that he required you to be into it, it would have come up on the first date. He isn't dating you because he thinks you watch Fox.

 

Let the past stay in the past.

 

He likes you for you and because he is attracted to you and there is good chemistry. Let it happen.

[Imajerk17]

Be the best person you can be. To be blunt, I must say that going by your threads from the winter and spring, I didn't think you were really "worthy" of a great guy (too much binge-drinking and hooking up with losers on your part). I could see why you were single and why quality men avoided you, but you seem to have put that behind you.

 

Specific comments...

 

1. Your physical build is actually ideal to quite a few guys. That men prefer waifs is a myth perpetuated by the media that doesn't have much evidence behind it. Every time I see a girl who looks like that she could have rowed crew or played volleyball or water polo in college (and who isn't jail-bait, as in too young), she has a certain piece of jewelry on the 4th finger of her left hand.

 

2. Do you live by The Golden Rule? This sounds corny, but I'm perfectly serious here. If you treat others fairly and with respect (including, no especially those who can't do you any good as far as you can see), then there is no reason for anyone to judge you. Including a judgmental prick as myself.

 

3. I don't care what bands a woman knows or doesn't know. What the hell does that have to do with anything? Does she have hobbies on her own and does she care about her own self-development? That is what matters. (See 2. just above.)

 

4. If you're that concerned about your lack of knowledge about world affairs, read Newsweek once a week. You'll have that fixed in no time.

Edited July 12, 2011 by Imajerk17

[sb129]

Spook, when someone is really into you, they are into you because you are you.

 

If he wanted a chick who had big tits who had an encyclopedic knowledge of music and politics, he would be with one. He's not- he is with you, and thats because he is attracted to you and your body and personality.

 

Sometimes the differences are attractive- we don't want to be with people who are exactly like us, it would get boring really quickly.

 

My H and I made a rule when we first got together that the past was to stay in the past. Its worked out really well- we don't know much about eachothers sexual past but it doesn't really matter.

[eerie_reverie]

Thanks, Johan. However, to play devil's advocate...

 

He has already picked up on the shape of your body and the shape of your breasts. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me. Actually body type is usually just a ballpark thing for guys. And I don't think most guys prefer small girls with big breasts.

 

Probably true, especially since we have already been naked together. I can't shake off the thought that he might have expected me to look hotter naked or something tho.

 

For what it's worth, the things we have done have forced me to be as "honest" about my appearance as possible. He has seen me mroe often in workout clothing and no makeup than not.

 

He doesn't care about your musical knowledge.

 

Playing music and going to shows are his primary hobbies, so I think he does. At least, my having awesome musical knowledge would be a big plus that I'm currently missing.

 

If he was so into politics that he required you to be into it, it would have come up on the first date. He isn't dating you because he thinks you watch Fox.

 

Probably true. I am less insecure about this one because while I am not into politics like he is, our core beliefs line up pretty well.

 

Let the past stay in the past.

 

For sure.

 

He likes you for you and because he is attracted to you and there is good chemistry. Let it happen.

 

I'm not sure how he perceives me and that is the root of my insecurity. I'm afraid that he likes me for who thought I was, not who I am.

[eerie_reverie]

Be the best person you can be. To be blunt, I must say that going by your threads from the winter and spring, I didn't think you were really "worthy" of a great guy (too much binge-drinking and hooking up with losers on your part). I could see why you were single and why quality men avoided you, but you seem to have put that behind you.

 

Specific comments...

 

1. Your physical build is actually ideal to quite a few guys. That men prefer waifs is a myth perpetuated by the media that doesn't have much evidence behind it. Every time I see a girl who looks like that she could have rowed crew or played volleyball or water polo in college (and who isn't jail-bait, as in too young), she has a certain piece of jewelry on the 4th finger of her left hand.

 

2. Do you live by The Golden Rule? This sounds corny, but I'm perfectly serious here. If you treat others fairly and with respect (including, no especially those who can't do you any good as far as you can see), then there is no reason for anyone to judge you. Including a judgmental prick as myself.

 

3. I don't care what bands a woman knows or doesn't know. What the hell does that have to do with anything? Does she have hobbies on her own and does she care about her own self-development? That is what matters. (See 2. just above.)

 

4. If you're that concerned about your lack of knowledge about world affairs, read Newsweek once a week. You'll have that fixed in no time.

 

Thanks, I appreciate the input.

[sb129]

I think if he has seen you naked and wanted more- he;s into you.

 

Use his musical knowledge to better your own. Its not like its something thats impossible to learn or improve on. Much easier to change than your boobs!!

We can all learn things from our partners.

[eerie_reverie]

Spook, when someone is really into you, they are into you because you are you.

 

If he wanted a chick who had big tits who had an encyclopedic knowledge of music and politics, he would be with one. He's not- he is with you, and thats because he is attracted to you and your body and personality.

 

Sometimes the differences are attractive- we don't want to be with people who are exactly like us, it would get boring really quickly.

 

My H and I made a rule when we first got together that the past was to stay in the past. Its worked out really well- we don't know much about eachothers sexual past but it doesn't really matter.

 

Thanks sb, what does make me feel better is the fact that he had turned down a few of my female aquaintances (many of whom have the attributes I'm insecure about) before I asked him out.

 

I am hoping my insecurities will vanish with time, as I begin to understand exactly what it is about me that makes me different. Right now I mainly just think he's mistaken about me. I still don't know what he's looking for but feel like there is a good chance it's not me.

 

Unfortunately my experience has been that the few guys I have been really into, lost interest in me pretty fast.

 

The thing that's different with him is that he's NOT like those guys and we've already known each other for a year.

[johan]

Thanks, Johan. However, to play devil's advocate...

 

 

 

Probably true, especially since we have already been naked together. I can't shake off the thought that he might have expected me to look hotter naked or something tho.

 

For what it's worth, the things we have done have forced me to be as "honest" about my appearance as possible. He has seen me mroe often in workout clothing and no makeup than not.

 

 

 

Playing music and going to shows are his primary hobbies, so I think he does. At least, my having awesome musical knowledge would be a big plus that I'm currently missing.

 

 

 

Probably true. I am less insecure about this one because while I am not into politics like he is, our core beliefs line up pretty well.

 

 

 

For sure.

 

 

 

I'm not sure how he perceives me and that is the root of my insecurity. I'm afraid that he likes me for who thought I was, not who I am.

 

You're not much of a devil's advocate, woman. You mostly agreed with me.

 

The music thing is kind of a nit. He isn't looking for a clone. As long as he can share it with you, he'll be happy.

 

Insecurity kind of comes with the territory when you're with someone new. You have a good personality, you take care of yourself, you're smart, you make him laugh, you've already been naked together... he digs you. Lighten up on yourself.

 

But nothing anyone here can say will make you feel less insecure. That's something you're doing to yourself. So you'll have to just be patient and let these little kinks work themselves out.

[johan]

Man. What has gotten into people around here? There must be a dickhead contest going on.

[welikeincrowds]

he is the kind of guy I've been waiting for, the reason I haven't settled.

Careful. He may seem like the kind of guy you imagined you waited for. But he's not the guy you've been waiting for. You don't know that yet.

 

I think your issue here is not really one of the big ones, like "my self-esteem." I think it has more to do with the fact that you haven't experienced earnest giddiness in a while, and you're confused about how to handle it. "Excitement" is overrated. Excitement is just movement. A better word would be "agitated" but it doesn't sound so great to say that your SO really agitates you. But that is literally what is happening on the behavioral, hormonal, molecular levels. Excitement often comes as a flurry of positive and negative feelings, and gee isn't that what makes it so exciting, like adding salt to a pastry.

 

The potential to start wondering about X, Y, Z problems, as you have, is I think inherent to all great starts. Because if something is so significant, it would suck to lose it, right? Especially if you ****ed it up? That's not you coming up with that, that's an embedded reality. The important point is not whether those feelings-come-thoughts bubble up -- you can't control that anyway, no one can. It's whether you engage those feelings as anything more than feelings.

 

I think it would do you some good to remind yourself in moments of doubt that these are feelings before they are ideas, things that came to you in a chemical and pass through you just as quickly. In other words, you can't get over the feeling. But you can own up to the feeling, which is more useful.

 

Which is not to say that you don't have issues. We all have issues, and that's my point. Keeping the spotlight on yourself is hiding that you are suffering from The Pedestal Problem. ("Because if something is so significant, it would suck to lose it, right?") Whatever, I'm sure he's great, but I'm also sure he has a wrinkle in his *******. I mean that metaphorically.

[sb129]

Man. What has gotten into people around here? There must be a dickhead contest going on.

 

Jeez man thanks.

[make me believe]

You're worried he's going to "catch onto" the fact that you have smaller boobs, when he's already seen you naked? Uh...where is the logic here?! lol. He KNOWS what your body looks like. And since he wants more, we can assume he likes what he sees.

 

Playing music and going to shows are his primary hobbies, so I think he does. At least, my having awesome musical knowledge would be a big plus that I'm currently missing.

 

This is my husband's primary hobby as well, and it's absolutely NOT something that we have in common. It's also not something that has ever come between us! Believe me, if he wanted a girl who shares this hobby 100% with him he'd meet one at a show and be with her. My husband's ex was heavily into the same music scene as him. I had the same feeling as you at times ("if I was into this music he'd like me EVEN MORE!") and I've wondered if it was a big plus in his ex's favor. But in the end...she is his ex and I am his wife. It clearly wasn't enough to keep them together, or to come between us. It just hasn't mattered. If he dumps you over this (or over the politics thing) then that's on him, and he needs to be up front that music & politics are huge issues for him.

 

As for your past, seriously just try to keep it in the past. I have a more extensive past than my H and although he doesn't know all of the details, he knows enough. He has gotten insecure about it before, but he loves & accepts me for who I am now. If your guy can't do the same, you'll be better off without him. Even though my H has gotten insecure, he's never gotten judgmental. If he had, I wouldn't be with him.

 

You have GOT to lose the attitude that he can do better than you. If you can't, you shouldn't be in a relationship until you do IMO. He'll pick up on it & it'll turn him off faster than anything else in your post.

[buster2209]

Aw jeez, please, check yourself.

 

Insecurity can change a guy's interest level from 100% to 0% in an instant.

 

I'm guessing you are having issues like this because your interest level with him is in the stratosphere.

 

Just relax, have fun with him and don't make mountains out of mole hills as you'll end up self-sabotaging this relationship.

 

He digs you. Enjoy it!

[kiss_andmakeup]

Eerie/spookie, I went through the exact same thoughts with the guy I'm currently dating (thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280370/).

 

How long have you been dating this guy? Sometimes I still have those "pinch myself" moments, but in general I'm more secure as we've gotten closer emotionally and I've realized that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't like me. You just need to remember that same thing.

 

Men with a lot of options are intimidating, but if you think about it, there's a chance that their interest could be even more genuine than that of someone without a lot of options. Yes, he has the pick of the litter, and is choosing you.

 

Just know you're not alone. While my specific insecurities are different from yours, I struggle with the same thoughts. You're welcome to PM if you ever want to.

[Saxis]

For what it's worth, the things we have done have forced me to be as "honest" about my appearance as possible. He has seen me more often in workout clothing and no makeup than not.

 

I haven't read the rest of it, but this jumped out at me... Sometimes you women can be clueless also. At least for me, I think most women look better casual without makeup than all dressed and caked up. Only thing I like is eye makeup... Eyes are one feature that can win me!

 

 

Which brings me to the big boobs theory... It's just a feature that's hard to ignore. Outside of a tight shirt and push up bra, they usually don't look nearly as good, especially when they have flopped down into their armpits when nekkid in bed... I'd much rather have them smaller and perkier, but I'm not a tit-man...

 

Well that's more info than I intended... I hope you get my point though. You probably have nothing to worry about physically!

[thatone]

 

1. Regarding my body, which is a new one for me. Ironically I am in the best shape of my life: I'm healthy, strong, a fast runner, and my body fat percentage is the lowest it's ever been in my life... but I have developed a crippling insecurity about my height and breasts. Guys like small girls with big breasts and I am a tall muscular girl with breasts that are smaller-than-average. I keep worrying he is going to catch on to this fact and re-evaluate his feelings for me.

 

tall is sexy to some men and not others, he was probably attracted to your height from the get go. forget about that, if he was uninterested due to your physical traits he wouldn't have approached you to start with. the big boobs bit is not nearly as much of a deal as women think it is. you're wrong, in summary, not all men like the same thing just like not all women like the same thing. i'm the same way your boyfriend is, natural and small is better than big and fake every time, and lots of other men feel the same way.

 

 

2. Regarding my musical knowledge. It isn't that my knowledge is particularly bad. It just seems like all the guys I pick up expect it to be really awesome. I have unintentionally almost exclusively dated musicians who all assumed I was hipper than I really am, and I feel like i've been a disappointment; my first bf actually left me in part because I was not a musician. This guy is a weekend musician as well and rather than thinking of that as a plus, it makes me uncomfortable that he too will be disappointed.

 

so spend a day with him laying on the couch or going on a drive and having him introduce you to music he likes. suggest it to him, he'll appreciate the fact that you're interested in what he's interested in. when he stumbles across something that both of you like he'll be even MORE attracted to you. the male tendency to teach people things and show people things they know about is inherent and instinctive. as long as you show interest, he will respond positively.

 

3. My complete apathy about news/ politics. I know my beliefs but I'm busy and don't go out of my way to find out what's going on. This hasn't come up with this guy yet, but he's a lawyer and I know he's into that s!ht. Once again, I feel like I'm about to disappoint him.

 

again i fail to see how this is that big a deal. if you can explain your beliefs, without being rude, and can explain why you don't take much interest in those things and it sounds rational and reasonable, that's a sign of confidence which is also attractive.

4. My past. I haven't asked him about his sexual experience, but I'm guessing it's less than mine. It's not that mine's bad (no FWB's, ONS's, or STD's), but I've had a couple-years worth of crappy short-term relationships that I shouldn't have been in, in the first place. He knows a few guys I have dated and appears to have no problem with that, but I keep expecting him suddenly start judging me or get insecure.

 

if there are no FWBs or ONSs, that's positive. don't worry about it. you're both adults, obviously, so he's not expecting to meet a virgin at his age and i'm sure neither are you.

 

all of these things are positives, not negatives. all you have to do is be courteous, polite, and genuinely interested in what he has to say and you'll make more progress with him, not less.

 

you know how you're attracted to men who listen to what you have to say and take an interest in your opinions? do the same thing to him. it'll work.

Edited July 12, 2011 by thatone

[KathyM]

I feel like I've hit the jackpot with the guy I am seeing.

 

He's smart, cute, successful, single, not a womanizer, not desperate, not slutty, likes to run, doesn't smoke, likes kids, is close to his family, and is affecionate, available, and open as a book. Additionally I am really attracted to him, we already have a decent friendship, and he cracks me up.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with our budding romance; no weird signals at all to decode. He appears to be 100% into me, taking me out, checking in nightly since our first date, respecting my desire to go slow physically, and letting me know verbally how much he likes me. All my gut feelings about him have been overwhelmingly positive.

 

And yet... I second guess all my moves. There's not a lot I'm insecure about these days, but I guess it just goes to show, insecure people will ALWAYS find something. Self esteem really does come from the inside.

 

My insecurities lately have been:

 

1. Regarding my body, which is a new one for me. Ironically I am in the best shape of my life: I'm healthy, strong, a fast runner, and my body fat percentage is the lowest it's ever been in my life... but I have developed a crippling insecurity about my height and breasts. Guys like small girls with big breasts and I am a tall muscular girl with breasts that are smaller-than-average. I keep worrying he is going to catch on to this fact and re-evaluate his feelings for me.

 

I really don't know where these thoughts about my body are coming from. I've never had them before in my life, and I'm not sure how to deal.

 

2. Regarding my musical knowledge. It isn't that my knowledge is particularly bad. It just seems like all the guys I pick up expect it to be really awesome. I have unintentionally almost exclusively dated musicians who all assumed I was hipper than I really am, and I feel like i've been a disappointment; my first bf actually left me in part because I was not a musician. This guy is a weekend musician as well and rather than thinking of that as a plus, it makes me uncomfortable that he too will be disappointed.

 

3. My complete apathy about news/ politics. I know my beliefs but I'm busy and don't go out of my way to find out what's going on. This hasn't come up with this guy yet, but he's a lawyer and I know he's into that s!ht. Once again, I feel like I'm about to disappoint him.

 

4. My past. I haven't asked him about his sexual experience, but I'm guessing it's less than mine. It's not that mine's bad (no FWB's, ONS's, or STD's), but I've had a couple-years worth of crappy short-term relationships that I shouldn't have been in, in the first place. He knows a few guys I have dated and appears to have no problem with that, but I keep expecting him suddenly start judging me or get insecure.

 

I know there is a lot I bring to the table, I know that he really likes me, and I know that he is the kind of guy I've been waiting for, the reason I haven't settled.

 

So how do I get over feeling like I'm not making an A and that he can therefore do better?

While it's important to have high self esteem and focus on your good points, there are some things you can do to improve and make him even more satisfied with you. You can become more aware of what's going on in the world by reading and watching news programs. I think most intelligent guys appreciate a woman who is an informed, educated, good conversationalist. You would be wise to develop that aspect in your life. Makes you a more interesting person and more likely to hold his interest for the long term.

 

Being tall is a good thing. I think most men like tall girls with long legs. Also, your guy is obviously satisfied with your appearance, or he wouldn't be dating you. So I wouldn't worry about that aspect.

 

You don't have to be the same as him in your musical knowledge or ability. Most musicians are not dating or married to other musicians. Not necessary to be the same in that department. I am a musician, an accomplished pianist and clarinetist, and played in some type of band or orchestra most of my life. My husband of many years is totally unmusical. No big deal. He enjoys my playing. Not like we are going to talk about music all the time when there are so many other ways to connect with someone.

 

Your sexual history should remain in the past. I wouldn't worry about that either. I think you're being too hard on yourself. He obviously sees something in you that he likes. But I would suggest cultivating your knowledge and interest in world affairs and what's in the news. Educated guys like to talk with educated women. That's the only thing you need to work on.