Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 this is the situation i am in and its killing me. I just went on face book and saw picks of her graduation and it made me feel sick inside. like how much i love her. this is my story guy meets girl at university. guy is 24, girl is 21 girl was in 3rd year guy in 1st year girl and guy have been together 7 months. girl is about to go travelling to see the world for 6 months... girl told guy at the start that she was always going to go travelling, however told the guy that it would only be for a short while maybe 3 months max.. amongst a conversation over the phone one time guy tells girl he basically loves her, girl responds with "i really like u" guy and girl would like to stay together but girl dosnt and cant promise guy what she will be doing once she returns to the country and thus it wouldnt be fair to make guy wait for her... guy thinks deep down it probably wont work whilst girl is away since girl hasnt even said she loves guy back. and guy has had advice from 8 friends all saying the same thing about getting out as its no life for me to be worrying about her and also not knowing what she is doing who she is with etc so guy with advice suggests it would be best to prob end it now rather than getting hurt later, as girl could meet another person or change her mind about how she feels whilst she is away or guy could wait for girl till she is back but then girl could turn around and say she is off to do x y and z which still wont mean guy and girl can see each other. guy and girl both trust one another. please help people. i feel sick. i really dont want to loose her but staying with her wont exactly help me missing her and what if something happened whilst she is travelling, she may change her mind about being with me or what not. i hate this
R32 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Sorry man. But I wouldn't expect much considering you guys have only been together for 7 months. I was in a similar situation, my ex gf left to Europe for an exchange for six months. Everything was cool when she left, needless to say, when you're in a different place, you meet different people and you change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. I'd say wish her the best of luck in her travels, and move on. If you were really a match, things will work out for themselves when she gets back.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 yeah thats it, i've heard travelling changes people etc. I dont know how I'm going to cope seeing pictures of her on fb with all this new people etc Just now we live a few hours apart and haven't seen each other for 2 weeks. whilst she is gone it will be her birthday and what would be our years anniversary. I feel so sick inside though cause i really do like her. i told her i have fallen for her. and now its all slipping away. did your ex leave you then?
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 she hasn't left yet though. Im feeling weak. i really want to be with her. but its just not reality is it. i said today who knows what the future will hold and obv i would like to stay in contact. but i never really got anything back from her... and we havent removed each other from fb etc . this is so so hard.
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 If you said you love her and she says she really likes you, this alone should speak volumes to you. She's always known she was going on this trip, so she's always keep herself distant from you emotionally. I agree, get off of Facebook, because if she wasn't that emotional invested in you, SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEM POSTING PICS OF HER AND OTHER GUYS! If you see them and inquire, she'll just tell you that "their just friends that were grinding up on me on the dance floor..."
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 yeah i know. this is true. plasma, im the one that said its best we go do our own thing. but im finding it hard to let go. i dont want to loose her but it seems inevitable. chi town, yeah your right she has always kept herself at arms length perhaps this is why i have always been an option to her not feeling like a priority. she hasnt put up any pics of her with other guys just yet. only grad pics with her mates. we have still got in the profiles that we are in a re with each other. i was going to remove this however i feel as i was the one who said it probs wont work because of the travelling i feel she should take some responsibility and remove it. or should i just do it? maybe she didnt realise what i was saying to her on the phone.
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 okay so she posted pics of her graduation. Is she currently on her trip? What EXACTLY did you two discuss on the phone?
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) she isnt currently on the 6 month trip no. i asked her what she wanted. she said she hadnt had time to think. i gave it a few days. unfortunately her close relative became ill so when i spoke to her few days later she hadnt given it real thought again. so i just said i cant see it working. she will want to cut ties and have fun etc. she said well so will i whilst at uni and she might come back and i could be with someone.. basically her twisting it round on me i reminded her that i told her my feelings for her and got nothing in reply almost a thankyou. she never commented back. she said she knows it would be unfair to ask me to wait for her. and i said yeah i agree as you cant commit to what u will be doing when your back so... but we both trust each other fully. there was a lot of talk. and last night it ended by saying what are we going to do now before you go then. she said well it seems like there isnt anything to really say. i said i'll talk to u tomorrow. she said yeh if you want. i say why if u want? she said well cause it seems like weve said everything so i was like well what are we going to do before you go? stay together what or is that it? she said my phone is about to die so think about it tonight then speak tomorrow. thats basically it summed up should i wait for her whilst she is gone, should i try and stay with her? Edited July 12, 2011 by Dblock10
lonelynyc Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 6 months apart is no big deal if you love the person and the person loves you. I don't want to be harsh, but it sounds like she hasn't fallen as deeply for you as you have for her. If she is the one who suggested you take a break, it means SHE wants to explore her options while abroad, whether or not that's the case for you too. If you end on good terms, and show her that you want to put her happiness first, if she's worth being the woman you end up with she will recognize how much you love her. Don't wait for her, in the meantime, live your life, but when she comes back after having her fun abroad, there might be a future yet for you two.
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 BUT!!! Also keep in mind that taking a break = breaking up. If you decide to get back together after her return then anything you find out about during her trip you can't hold against her (and believe me..she won't let you!) you have to prepare yourself for that.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) see this is the thing. i said i think it isnt going to work for us. she never really had an opinion on it! she said she never had much time to think about it... she said things like she trusts me, she cant expect me to wait, she cant tell me what she is going to do when she is back, people can travel and stay together, she didnt sound that bothered when i said i could go visit her in aus and yeah i obviously like her much more than she does me or she is just keeping me at arms length so that she dosnt feel guilty or hurt if we dont stay together. i reallllly reallly want there to be a way to stay with her whilst she goes but it most likely wouldn't work out unless she was madly in love with me but that dosnt seem to be the case does it. so yeah i thought if i end things on good terms as apposed to clinging on and then for her to change her mind, at least there could potentially be something when she gets back. and yeah i couldn't hold anything against her if she did anything whilst travelling. basically my heart wants her, my head kinda tells me and as do my friends that its best to let her go. why waste my time when she dosnt seem that keen on me anyway. its like im an option to her and she isnt willing to or cant commit to me for when she returns. but now ive said " we kinda both no it isnt going to work, as ur be off on an adventure and i will be studying hard" i cant turn back on that and say i really want this to work. do you think we would be able to stay together... and now she might have taken that mind set on of what ive been saying anyway and she may now be certain that its in fact for the best. so what do i do. it hurts. i am in pain when i wake up feeling like **** that its over/going to be properly over soon. or in a way already is. i think thats why im hurting. Edited July 12, 2011 by Dblock10
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 yeah no doubt she will be having the time of her life! and im not there to share it with her... there will be pictures, there will be status updates etc. and yeah i think it will eat me up. but wont it hurt the same if not more so if i know we are not together whilst she is living the dream? i hope she would like to come back. but i really don't know if she will, no one has a crystal ball. travelling is an eye opener. it lets you see the world from a completely different perspective. she may if we stay together verbally and on fb, that she could resent me for holding her back or feeling like she is being held back, she may hate herself or feel guilty for allowing me to wait. another thing i thought about today was you know how she has said (when ever i have said your the one leaving) "yeah but i told you i was always going to go travelling" i can see her coming back from the travel and then making plans to go off and do what not and then saying "yeah but i told you i didnt know what i was going to be doing when i got back" it seems like i cannot win. again these are just thoughts. massively want to be with her and for us to work but thats just not going to happen is it?
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Can two people stay together while one is traveling? Absolutely, IF both parties agree to do so and are will to commit to it. Her saying that she doesn't expect you to wait for her is her telling you that she isn't going to commit to you. That if she has the opportunity to "hook up" oversea's she's going to sieze the moment. I strongly recommend getting closure on this and find out where you stand with her. If she's telling you that she doesn't know and "You knew I was going on this trip!" (hence, why she's kept you at arms lenght) Then you have to make the hard decisions because she doesn't want to. When she leaves I strongly, and STRONGLY recommend that you de-friend her on Facebook. Seeing her status updates and pics are going to eat at you. First you're going to get all depressed and saying that how can she do this to me when she knew how I felt about her. Then you'll get angry as hell and thinking, how can she be such a cold hearted person posting that pic KNOWING that I can see it.....you're just gonna go through a gambit of emotions that you can spare yourself from. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss! Then you have to be strong enough to ignore her texts, e-mails and phone calls... remember, she chose oversea's and seeing other people, not you. The only time you should respond is if AND ONLY IF she writes that she wants to work it out with you and wants an exclusive relationship with you. Anything else is nothing but breadcrumbs. Anytime she writes you or tries to call you; take a deep breath and don't respond. Come on here and write something here instead.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 yeah chi townd> she said she knows it isn't fair to make me wait. so is that what she meant then that she isnt going to commit to me? or does it mean she would like me to wait but understands its unfair? she also said she understands that i will be wanting to have fun at uni and that is also understandable. was she wanting me to say no i will wait, yeah ill have fun but fun like i have been having whilst with you at uni? how do i get closure on this then? should i wait for her to txt me now? i think that would be best, as if she dosnt bother then you know she isnt really worth it anyway? yeah when i bring up "your the one leaving me" she says i told you i was always going to go.. yeah seems like she hasnt made any decisions what so ever. only twisting it round to make out im at uni so it works both ways... I wont de friend her, however i will block her news feed and block pictures that she will be tagged in etc. your right ignorance is bliss indeed. i already felt my stomach do a cart wheel when i saw her new pics of grad day... let alone in photos in a bikini on a beach with who ever.... i do wonder now why she got into a relationship with me knowing she was going to be going, although she never thought it would be for 6 months nor did i at the time.. but still. maybe she wanted to stay together? she used to mention would i still talk or want to see her once shes back if she put on 10 stone etc jokingly. why do i have to go completely cold turkey with her? is this so i totally get over her? what if i havent met someone else or really truely moved on and am happy with where i am at? ill be wanting her back then kicking myself for letting her go. as i say we both said we trust one another etc but she never once said how she feels about it, like she wants to stay with me and make it work. i told her that i dont think it will work and all she would say is, well it seems like u have made your mind up so my opinion wont matter, it wont change your mind. thats when i would say, clearly i dont want you to go but you are, and also you dont know what you will be doing when you get back :S
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 yeah chi townd> she said she knows it isn't fair to make me wait. so is that what she meant then that she isnt going to commit to me? or does it mean she would like me to wait but understands its unfair? she also said she understands that i will be wanting to have fun at uni and that is also understandable. was she wanting me to say no i will wait, yeah ill have fun but fun like i have been having whilst with you at uni? how do i get closure on this then? should i wait for her to txt me now? i think that would be best, as if she dosnt bother then you know she isnt really worth it anyway? yeah when i bring up "your the one leaving me" she says i told you i was always going to go.. yeah seems like she hasnt made any decisions what so ever. only twisting it round to make out im at uni so it works both ways... I wont de friend her, however i will block her news feed and block pictures that she will be tagged in etc. your right ignorance is bliss indeed. i already felt my stomach do a cart wheel when i saw her new pics of grad day... let alone in photos in a bikini on a beach with who ever.... i do wonder now why she got into a relationship with me knowing she was going to be going, although she never thought it would be for 6 months nor did i at the time.. but still. maybe she wanted to stay together? she used to mention would i still talk or want to see her once shes back if she put on 10 stone etc jokingly. why do i have to go completely cold turkey with her? is this so i totally get over her? what if i havent met someone else or really truely moved on and am happy with where i am at? ill be wanting her back then kicking myself for letting her go. as i say we both said we trust one another etc but she never once said how she feels about it, like she wants to stay with me and make it work. i told her that i dont think it will work and all she would say is, well it seems like u have made your mind up so my opinion wont matter, it wont change your mind. thats when i would say, clearly i dont want you to go but you are, and also you dont know what you will be doing when you get back :S What if you haven't met anyone and you're truely not happy where you're at? I don't think you're happy about this situation at all or else you wouldn't be posting here. She's stringing you along. YOU have to ask her if she's going to remain exclusive to you while she's away. Straight forward, yes or no. If she tells you that she doesn't know then that's a no. Then you have your answer. Why did she start a relationship with you? Who knows...but, it's cruel to have you waiting on the sidelines while she parties it up oversea's hooking up with whoever. And when she comes back, she's giving you no indication that she's gonna stay! Is this fair to you? You really need to get this sorted out and get some concrete answers so you can either make a game plan or...move on.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) you are a very wise person. hugs to you ! thats right i really am not happy at all about the situation. its been getting me down and playing on my mind constantly since 4 weeks ago. so your basically saying i will become happier as i'm not even happy where i'm at now anyway. how can i ask her this now that i have said i don't think its going to work.. how do i go back and ask that now. what will she make of that!? what if she says, well will you remain exclusive to me?! and what if she says yes... then wat as her plans when she is back? yeah its harsh on me. even if she says she will remain exclusive with me will that last? she hasn't said she loves me, or does this not matter? and yeah then there is the issue about coming back. she hasn't and isn't giving me any reassurance about what she will be doing. sigh this is so hard. Edited July 12, 2011 by Dblock10
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Again, you have no concrete answers." May be's" and "I don't know's" doesn't give you the closure you need. You need to ask the questions you've been asking here and direct them to her. And you're not giving her answers either, "I don't THINK this can work." isn't a solid answer to her. You need to ask her if you and her are going to stay exclusive, if you guys are going to be a couple even though she's away and if she has feelings enough for you to STAY faithful during her time away. If she can't make those promises then you have your answer. If she tells you that "we'll see when I get back." isn't a good enough answer. If she decides that it's better that you two remain friends. Ummm...no. I'm sure you didn't get into a relationship with her and develop feeling for her and commit yourself to a relationship just to ultimately become, "just friends". She either gets 100% of you or she gets nothing. Her choice.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) when is the right time to clarify everything with her then? what if she has now taken on board everything i have been saying, that it wont work etc and who knows what the future holds but id like to stay in touch.. if i then go and start asking her direct questions in a sense to see if she really wants to give it a go i may not get the answer i want to hear, but either way i need to hear it right? or does that make me weak. im so emotionally exhausted. this is killing me. i wish she wasnt going. she hasnt even given me the slightest hope that we could work, no reassurance about anything thats going to happen. only i told you i was going to be going. geee thanks am i kidding myself here. i must be.. Edited July 12, 2011 by Dblock10
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 okay, well...that's just it. You have to be man enough to ask the hard questions. And do you know what? You may not like the answers. But you'll have them. You need to either have a game plan or cut ties completely! You have to be ready for that. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You shouldn't have to talked to her on the phone while she's gone and she has to get off the phone with you to get ready for a date. She has to see what life is gonna be like without you in it. She might be making a mistake, but it's a mistake she has to live with, not you. Point blank, she either gets 100% of you or she gets nothing. The hard part for you is, that if it does end, you have to have NO CONTACT whatsoever!
Author Dblock10 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 so your saying be the man. get the top and bottom of it. deal with it! game plan as in if we do stick or cut ties if not. i.e nc im confused what you mean about this "shouldn't have to talked to her on the phone while she's gone and she has to get off the phone with you to get ready for a date" ?? also im already preparing for it to end, ive already assessed logic. and as much as i dont want to end it with her, its probably most likely the reality of this situation. also we are currently Long distance, so you would have thought she would be txting me a hell of a lot more. although looking at it the other way she could be withdrawing herself emotionally to protect herself. or because she is preparing to leave me and thus withdrawing in order not to feel guilty about it.... so many angles this could be looked at .
Chi townD Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 im confused what you mean about this "shouldn't have to talked to her on the phone while she's gone and she has to get off the phone with you to get ready for a date" Possible scenario you may encounter if you choose to stay in contact with her and be a "friend"
Author Dblock10 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) yeah i get you now. well i miss her everyday when i wake up and i think about her all day and night. i really want her to txt me. i want her to be more worried about loosing me. she just isnt bothered or at least she isnt showing it :s, i know she cares about me or we wouldnt have lasted all this time to this point. do i tell her my feelings about this all? that i feel so worried, that i wish there was something we could do? do we have to break up when she travels? literally everyone says we do cause she will 100% change her mind about me when she is gone even if its what she wants now. a friend of mine said if we did stay together we would end up drifiting apart, and that that would be worse than ending it on good terms before she went. otherwise the opportunity to get back together once she returns would be lost for good. i can kinda see where they are coming from, as time zones, her thought process, money to contact etc, would be made very difficult. plus she will be so busy she probably wouldnt think about me much at all! and id be this guy who is txtin her, she may feel like im holding her back in one form or another, and for example when i txt her, id be the one waiting for the reply, wondering what she would say. id be worried whats going on, are we still ok etc etc. id be the needy bf back home Edited July 13, 2011 by Dblock10
Author Dblock10 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 ok so i spoke to her again tonight, i doubt she would have contacted me. in fact i know she wouldn't have. i basically said that i'm happy she is going travelling and she deserves it and i want her to have a great time. i said that iv'e accepted the situation now better and the other night when we spoke it was a bit manic and i wasn't in the right place in my head. i said it would be nice if when she gets back she wants to show me photos etc tell me the stories and she was like her: yeh could do me: yeah? wud u want to then, does that sound ok? her: yeah so yeah thats bout it really, even when i said, as much as i want us to work the time zone etc would just place to much pressure on us tbh she was like yeah. so i said, so... you have no opinion then, you havent really voiced an opinion in this her: yeah well i think the same really, what we have already said and the other day you kinda summed it up. me: so you dont have any strong opinions or feelings you want to voice, (me trying to dig to get her to say something like, so were not going to give it a go) her: not really i'm all good if ur all good :/ so yeah i guess i'm sad she dosnt really seem to give a ****, maybe this just confirmed it. either that or she has a really ****ty way of showing any feelings toward me. its like i just feel a bit empty now! :S erm
Author Dblock10 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 spoke to her again. sound like a broken record dont i! well basically she spoke more this time as i wanted it black or white and clearly said what do you want, forget what i said. i also said i didnt feel happy at all that she hasnt voiced her own thoughts ever, and it feels like she just dosnt care and its not fair on me at all. she said she does care just obviously it could sound different on the phone. and from what i have said already, she has honestly given it serious thought about it all and she feels that there would be too much pressure on both of us and it would be bad if things just didn't work out whilst we are so far apart etc, like what if she didn't txt me when i was expecting it or if we started arguing etc or drifted apart, if it ended that way it wouldn't be ideal and then there wouldn't be a chance for us to get back in the future as any chance could be ruined, where as if we took a break it would remove the pressure and she would like to see where things went when she gets back and obviously if i'm still single. i told her i don't want to loose her and that i would like to see how things were when she gets back. either way she didn't sound keen on staying together for the reasons mentioned, not because she dosnt trust me. And deep down i know myself it would be too hard from all the advice ive had from 9 different friends and 3 that have had first hand long distance relationships. i wouldnt want us to drift apart or feel that way and wonder were i stand all the time etc. so its best we both have a good time, both have fun, and then once shes back see whats what. i do know break, means break up. so yeah its more or less what she was saying. i guess at least i know thats what she feels is right. she asked is that what i want and i said i felt the same way tbh. but i dont want to loose her. so meeting when she is back would be good. i removed the relationship status off face book this morning as from our previous convo it felt like she just didnt care or have her own opinion. and i felt so bad in the morning i just removed her cause i thought that was it! i told her and she said she didnt realise, so i said well did you have anything to say about it, she just said "no theres nothing to really say" I would like to meet with her before she goes sometime as i think that would be nice. or would that tear me up, i guess she might not even want to but i guess i'll find out? i do hope that she does want to see how things go when she gets back but i understand nothing is guaranteed. and as much as i would LOVE to stay with her say we are a couple, carry on etc i do think i wouldn't be able to handle it and it would get me down and depress me. so getting on with life etc is probably the best thing tbh, and just stick with my mates, build up really great close friendships and see what happens. i hope things work out for me. i'm sure they will. its just hard or should i scrap all of this, meet her and then in person ask if she wanted to make it work. or is it pointless now that she has said this..
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