Author somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Yay, the Shack is back. I've been waiting to read the messages here. Have you been trying to go out with other girls during this time that you've known her? You should, even though there's no harm maintaining the friendship with her in the meantime. That is assuming you would still like to be friends if you knew the both of you could never be. I've known this girl for about a year and a half. And in that time period, I've been rejected by about ten girls that I was starting to get to know. I had a few first dates and one girl even let me have a second date. But in the end they were all rejections. What really kills me is that I told myself that this was the year that I was finally going to get a relationship. I really wanted to be dating somebody before I turned 30. I tried really hard to make it work. But I'll be 30 in a month and a half and I haven't accomplished anything. Except being in this situation with this girl. I've been thinking of this girl as my last real try. If I don't get her, all I see from now on is a lifetime of rejection, lonliness and sadness. I'm basically out of hope. How many of you would gladly go on living if you knew that you would be alone, as in, not have a relationship/significant other/partner for the rest of your life? In fact, somedude, what's really futile is to just not do anything (!!! wow) and allow life's challenges to sit there and crush you. Learning how to "treat" the negative feelings that come with a difficult life situation is called "coping". It's the only way to deal with life, which is unfair and covered in pathways to misery, in a healthy and positive way. What would you say to someone who lost a leg, hm? "There's no point in treating the negative feelings that come with losing a leg, as long as your leg is gone." Would you really say that to a close friend? "Well bro, sucks that your leg is gone, because you're never going to be happy as long as it is, so you shouldn't even bother trying." I think of it as putting a bandage over a gunshot wound. The injury is not going to heal until you take out the bullet first. I've spent a few years in therapy, and all it is, is a bandage. And this all precludes the obvious, most blatantly ironic point, which is that no, there is no reason a girl will want to be with you if you continue to think this way. The girl I'm spending time with should by now, know me better than every other girl I've spent time with. So I wonder if she's picking up any of my negative thoughts and feelings. If she's not, then it's pointless to say that no girl will want me because I'm depressed. I think it's because I'm not depressed at all when I'm with her. Quite the opposite actually. Honestly guys, I know I'm being a retarded idiot for continuing to pursue her. This time period has been one of great depression and self-hatred. I'm tired of crying over her. But the alternative seems to be complete and utter loneliness. I feel like I'm trying to fight against fate itself. I don't want to give up, but the thought is always in the back of my mind.
runner Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 you need a higher purpose in your life that makes you content with yourself, something that's truly personal, and doesn't rely on other people. this idea that you need to be in a relationship to make you happy, to make you feel complete, is a recipe for disaster. that's how people end up in extemely co-dependent relationships. and trust me, you're better off being single and occasionally lonely than being in that kind of a relationship.
Author somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 I think the biggest reason I'm having such a hard time moving on from her is because I believe she is my, "the one." Many of you have seen the picture of us together, and despite us still being in this awkward phase, there were countless comments of how we look natural together. Heck even a couple people said we looked like a married couple. Add that to the fact that we get along very well and have tons of common interests. There are so many things I can see us doing and places to go to together. Granted I've never been in a relationship but those things seem like the workings of one. I feel like I've found somebody I could be happy spending the rest of my life with. But she doesn't want to date me and the whole thing feels like a cruel trick. you need a higher purpose in your life that makes you content with yourself, something that's truly personal, and doesn't rely on other people. this idea that you need to be in a relationship to make you happy, to make you feel complete, is a recipe for disaster. that's how people end up in extemely co-dependent relationships. and trust me, you're better off being single and occasionally lonely than being in that kind of a relationship. A higher purpose that makes me content with myself? It would have to be something that is powerful enough to make me forget that I'm alone. The only ones that come to mind are spiritually related and I'm not about to become a monk. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the need to be in a relationship to be happy and feel complete; a natural human belief? If not, then why are any of us on this website?
Queen Zenobia Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I think the biggest reason I'm having such a hard time moving on from her is because I believe she is my, "the one." Many of you have seen the picture of us together, and despite us still being in this awkward phase, there were countless comments of how we look natural together. Heck even a couple people said we looked like a married couple. Add that to the fact that we get along very well and have tons of common interests. There are so many things I can see us doing and places to go to together. Granted I've never been in a relationship but those things seem like the workings of one. I feel like I've found somebody I could be happy spending the rest of my life with. But she doesn't want to date me and the whole thing feels like a cruel trick. A higher purpose that makes me content with myself? It would have to be something that is powerful enough to make me forget that I'm alone. The only ones that come to mind are spiritually related and I'm not about to become a monk. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the need to be in a relationship to be happy and feel complete; a natural human belief? If not, then why are any of us on this website? If I may ask, what do you spend your time doing? What kind of hobbies or interests do you have? And do you have many friends (genuine friends not just girls you hang out with as friends until you ask them out)? And lastly, how would you describe yourself (using descriptive adjectives, not just "I'm short", or "I'm nice")?
Author somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Most of my time is spent on my computer, playing video games or watching anime. Every couple of days I do about an hour long bike ride, or I'll go to the beach. I really enjoy Salsa and social dancing but it's not something I can do without a partner. There are a whole bunch of things I'd like to do but not by myself. I don't have any real friends. I got kind of close to and was starting to make friends with a couple of guys but they stopped getting back to me. I got the feeling that they just wanted to keep it to a school only thing. The closest thing I have to a friend is this girl; who I've already asked out and we still hang out in-spite of that. Before I start describing myself, what is your purpose?
Queen Zenobia Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Most of my time is spent on my computer, playing video games or watching anime. Every couple of days I do about an hour long bike ride, or I'll go to the beach. I really enjoy Salsa and social dancing but it's not something I can do without a partner. There are a whole bunch of things I'd like to do but not by myself. I don't have any real friends. I got kind of close to and was starting to make friends with a couple of guys but they stopped getting back to me. I got the feeling that they just wanted to keep it to a school only thing. The closest thing I have to a friend is this girl; who I've already asked out and we still hang out in-spite of that. Before I start describing myself, what is your purpose? I see. I honestly think you need to either a) find a way to be more social with your interests (i.e. involve other people) or b) find some social interests. You can't be afraid to do stuff on your own, because that's how you meet others. If you're not good with platonic relationships it's going to be very difficult to develop romantic ones. That doesn't mean you need to be a social butterfly, but having some friends definitely helps to keep people sane. I'm asking you to describe yourself, because women (and people in general) tend to like guys who know who they are and have this inner sense of identity that isn't reliant on other people. It's sort of tied to confidence, but not identical to it. Dust, and some of the others have suggested that you need to just "try". Trying is important but if you don't get some of this other stuff down first trying won't do much good.
Author somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 I've tried to cultivate social interests. I did one season of co-ed softball, and a season of flag-football. I didn't end up making any friends. I also did a couple of surfing classes for a while. I was also part of a social club on campus for a year and got to know a few people. One thing that I'm starting to realize, and this just may be with people in there 20's and early 30s', is that guys don't seem to want to make new friends. I've done a lot more reaching out to other guys then they have for me. It's like they are all content with their group of friends. I can't remember the last time I was invited to do something. So after a couple times of getting a guy to hang out, I just give up because it's not worth the effort. Though it is with girls. Of course that's because I want something from them, a relationship and sex. Also, everything I can get out of having guy friends, a female friend can also provide. A girlfriend is the ultimate package. I don't see how I should have problems developing romantic relationships based on how my friendships go. My problem with romantic stuff is that I don't know how to attract or correctly talk with girls in a way that appeals to them.
runner Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 A higher purpose that makes me content with myself? It would have to be something that is powerful enough to make me forget that I'm alone. The only ones that come to mind are spiritually related and I'm not about to become a monk. heh ...put it this way, i'm insanely curious about many things; one example is my passion for non-gmo foods and local farming, which is what drives me to seek other like-minded individuals, raise awareness, and spend time at local farms and farmer's markets. you have no idea how many new faces i meet pursuing this one single thing, and this is among many other things that i'm actively involved in. i literally have to schedule alone time for myself. watching anime and playing video games is pretty cool; i like to do those things myself every once in a while. but if that's all you do to spend your leisure time, which i reckon is at home by yourself, how do you expect to meet new people ? the least you can do is join some sort of anime club. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the need to be in a relationship to be happy and feel complete; a natural human belief? relationships, yes. but not necessarily in a romantic sense. i think we all need close relationships whether it's with family, friends or a spouse. what you're doing is focusing all of your energy and expectation into one person and one type of relationship- which is a recipe for disaster.
Author somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 No I really don't have a passion for anything. I think that's affected by the depression which limits my motivation and enjoyment for things. My goal for the past few years was just to be content and pass the time. There were a couple of things that could have been passions, surfing and dancing but each one had their issues which prevented from fulling enjoying them. I actually did join the anime and Japan clubs on campus I was very active in the Japan club for a year. But no friendships formed and I got rejected by a couple of girls. No, from what I've seen, romantic relationships are necessary. I'm not saying that with just a romantic relationship, everything will be OK. But they are the foundation. (At least those that are in healthy relationships) After hanging out with his buddies, every guy wants to go home to his girl.
bac Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I think the biggest reason I'm having such a hard time moving on from her is because I believe she is my, "the one." Many of you have seen the picture of us together, and despite us still being in this awkward phase, there were countless comments of how we look natural together. Heck even a couple people said we looked like a married couple. Add that to the fact that we get along very well and have tons of common interests. There are so many things I can see us doing and places to go to together. Granted I've never been in a relationship but those things seem like the workings of one. I feel like I've found somebody I could be happy spending the rest of my life with. But she doesn't want to date me and the whole thing feels like a cruel trick. I think you sound romantic finally. Congratulations! The classical romantic behavior is described well in old French and Italian books (Honore de Balzac, Shakespear, Russo and every other writer from 14-19 century). In the past, when a man kissed a decent woman it was always a romantic gesture. It was a common notion that a man would kiss a woman without feeling romantic only if the woman was a prostitute or smth close to that. If you could say your girl smth like you wrote "I believe she is my, "the one."......, IMO she would feel very romantic toward you. IMO, it is impossible for a woman to resist smth like that on a deeper emotional level. As for relationships, you are already in a serious relationship with her but it is not a romantic relationship yet.
Author somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Oh there are many romantic things I could tell her. One strong belief I have is that fate wants us to be together. I have tried to get over her on a couple of occasions and after some time apart she shows up in my life and I fall for her all over again. Seriously, I met her and quickly fell for her. She rejected me, we stopped talking and I got over her and dated somebody else for a little while. Six months later she late adds the class I'm in. Quickly we start talking again and I fall for her. Rejected and back to no contact. Then she shows up once more. Or more accurately I somehow became friends with her lesbian roommate (who approached me) and of course it's not long till she shows up and I fall for her again. She's turned me down already, but this time I'm hanging on. I don't have a clue why things are happening like this. The problem with romantic words, is that women only want to hear them if they're already attracted to the guy. Any other time it's just creepy.
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Sometimes they like to hear the words for an ego boost even if they're not attracted to the guy. Beware of those personalities. Those are soul-suckers. I do endorse what someone else mentioned prior about focusing on other aspects of life and other relationships and growing those avenues of fulfillment. You'll likely come to understand this better, as I have, after actually having relationships or being married. It's not the be-all, end-all panacea this pursuit of yours currently appears to embrace. In fact, I can look back and see that it was exploring the world and having fulfilling friendships which came to cause women to find me attractive. I recall my exW mentioning that early-on, when I was dating locally but getting ready to head back out to meet women elsewhere in the world. Hindsight is nearly always 20-20. Apply that to your dynamic and see what appears.
Teknoe Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I think the biggest reason I'm having such a hard time moving on from her is because I believe she is my, "the one." The human heart is fickle and deceitful. Emotions come and go. THE ONE is the one who loves you for who you are, warts and all, and is committed to you. And you the same for her. Thus, this girl is clearly NOT the one. Embrace that. It's actually a good thing, for 2 reasons 1. You just crossed off another person, getting you closer to the special lady waiting for you 2. You never want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who AT BEST is lukewarm about you
Author somedude81 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Sometimes they like to hear the words for an ego boost even if they're not attracted to the guy. Beware of those personalities. Those are soul-suckers. I do endorse what someone else mentioned prior about focusing on other aspects of life and other relationships and growing those avenues of fulfillment. You'll likely come to understand this better, as I have, after actually having relationships or being married. It's not the be-all, end-all panacea this pursuit of yours currently appears to embrace. In fact, I can look back and see that it was exploring the world and having fulfilling friendships which came to cause women to find me attractive. I recall my exW mentioning that early-on, when I was dating locally but getting ready to head back out to meet women elsewhere in the world. Hindsight is nearly always 20-20. Apply that to your dynamic and see what appears. And that's exactly what my problem is. People telling me that relationships aren't that important and so on, while I have zero experience. It's something I need to find out for myself. You are one of the few who seem to understand that. The human heart is fickle and deceitful. Emotions come and go. THE ONE is the one who loves you for who you are, warts and all, and is committed to you. And you the same for her. Thus, this girl is clearly NOT the one. Embrace that. It's actually a good thing, for 2 reasons 1. You just crossed off another person, getting you closer to the special lady waiting for you 2. You never want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who AT BEST is lukewarm about you I hardly expect a woman to love me right away. If I waited for a woman to show interest in me before I approached her, I might as well become a eunuch.
Teknoe Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I hardly expect a woman to love me right away. If I waited for a woman to show interest in me before I approached her, I might as well become a eunuch. Your issue is pretty obvious. You refuse and see and accept/embrace the clear-cut answers. Instead, you focus on degrading yourself and shooting yourself in the own foot. Many of us want to help you, but we can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves (you may say otherwise with words, but your [re]actions to many good advice we give you over and over tell it all) HERE'S THE TRUTH: THE ONE IS THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU, WARTS AND ALL, AND IS COMMITTED TO YOU. Likewise, you to her. Thus, if someone doesn't like you that way, THERE'S NO WAY AT ALL SHE IS THE ONE (so stop thinking of her as the one, because that's bull). For once, just accept this. Embrace it. Receive it. The truth sets you free. Don't respond with your negative self-attitude. Just say "YES THAT'S TRUE. Even though I wish she is the one, I know and accept that she is NOT."
Dust Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Your issue is pretty obvious. You refuse and see and accept/embrace the clear-cut answers. Instead, you focus on degrading yourself and shooting yourself in the own foot. Many of us want to help you, but we can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves (you may say otherwise with words, but your [re]actions to many good advice we give you over and over tell it all) HERE'S THE TRUTH: THE ONE IS THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU, WARTS AND ALL, AND IS COMMITTED TO YOU. Likewise, you to her. Thus, if someone doesn't like you that way, THERE'S NO WAY AT ALL SHE IS THE ONE (so stop thinking of her as the one, because that's bull). For once, just accept this. Embrace it. Receive it. The truth sets you free. Don't respond with your negative self-attitude. Just say "YES THAT'S TRUE. Even though I wish she is the one, I know and accept that she is NOT." Good advice. The thing is you have to go out and live a life and learn things for yourselves. Somedude81 already has every motivation to do and try things he hasn’t. Every motivation not to be so negative. Most posts seem to be positive and motivational in attempt. Really though I would say just staying in his room and hiding away from the world posting on here is hurting him more then helping. He’s just to in his head and stressing himself out. He needs to get out there and start doing new things. Get out of the loop he’s put himself in. He could change things at any moment and anything we say here doesn’t matter if he doesn’t choose to change himself. This girl may or may not be the one. Hind sight is 20/20 but for him to just think this girl is the one is about as accurate as me saying it and I’ve never met him or the girl. I myself have though plenty of girls were the one going back to middle school. I was wrong. I’m with a girl now who I hope is the one. The thing is if she dumped me or suddenly changed I wouldn’t hold onto that thought. He needs to get out there and make some choices and do some actions. He knows what he needs to do, and he will learn from his failures and success.
Author somedude81 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Just say "YES THAT'S TRUE. Even though I wish she is the one, I know and accept that she is NOT." Sorry, but I still believe that it's too soon to say that. Somedude81 already has every motivation to do and try things he hasn’t. OK, so what have I not tried? And what is this loop I'm in?
P&R Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 No I really don't have a passion for anything. I think that's affected by the depression which limits my motivation and enjoyment for things. My goal for the past few years was just to be content and pass the time. There were a couple of things that could have been passions, surfing and dancing but each one had their issues which prevented from fulling enjoying them. I actually did join the anime and Japan clubs on campus I was very active in the Japan club for a year. But no friendships formed and I got rejected by a couple of girls. No, from what I've seen, romantic relationships are necessary. I'm not saying that with just a romantic relationship, everything will be OK. But they are the foundation. (At least those that are in healthy relationships) After hanging out with his buddies, every guy wants to go home to his girl. Romantic relationships are not neccessary. If you want no proof look no further than your nearest monistary. Monks live their whole lives without romantic relationships. Romance is not a necessity. To be honest if you ended up in a relationship right now it would be a train wreck. I could already tell you would be co-dependent and needy. I have even heard you talk about suicide because you can't find a relationship. There is a bigger underlying issue here that will create an unhealthy, and unstable relationship. This will lead to heartbreak, and depression. You should be focusing on correcting that underlying issue. You should seek counseling, maybe even join a suicide prevention group.
P&R Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 heh ...put it this way, i'm insanely curious about many things; one example is my passion for non-gmo foods and local farming, which is what drives me to seek other like-minded individuals, raise awareness, and spend time at local farms and farmer's markets. you have no idea how many new faces i meet pursuing this one single thing, and this is among many other things that i'm actively involved in. i literally have to schedule alone time for myself. watching anime and playing video games is pretty cool; i like to do those things myself every once in a while. but if that's all you do to spend your leisure time, which i reckon is at home by yourself, how do you expect to meet new people ? the least you can do is join some sort of anime club. relationships, yes. but not necessarily in a romantic sense. i think we all need close relationships whether it's with family, friends or a spouse. what you're doing is focusing all of your energy and expectation into one person and one type of relationship- which is a recipe for disaster. Ha! Ironically I was studying international business and decided to take Japanese to go with my romance language. I met my now girlfriend in that class.
bac Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 One strong belief I have is that fate wants us to be together. I have tried to get over her on a couple of occasions and after some time apart she shows up in my life and I fall for her all over again. The problem with romantic words, is that women only want to hear them if they're already attracted to the guy. Any other time it's just creepy. It is creepy when it is false, irrational, excessive or she is not ready For example, there are many players who say the romantic things just to get laid as soon as possible. A girl hates his romantic stuff because she does not believe a word. A girl should be ready to hear the stuff. A guy might want to start with small doses. When she gets used to the idea that he likes her, he can increase the dose. It also should sound rational and in touch with reality and common sense.
Teknoe Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Really though I would say just staying in his room and hiding away from the world posting on here is hurting him more then helping Agreed. Not saying LS is a bad place, but it's kind of like alcohol. It can definitely be abused and become a detriment to one's own well being. With somedude, he's abusing it. It's not helping him since all he does is whine and never takes our constructive advice. Sorry, but I still believe that it's too soon to say that. OK, so what have I not tried? And what is this loop I'm in? I see you're hanging your hopes on a lost situation. She won't come around, and IF she does (big fat chance...), it will NOT be a healthy relationship. It just won't. What have you not tried? Let's see... -Therapy (you shot this idea down, you tried it in the past but we're saying TRY IT NOW AGAIN, and keep an open mind, this is your biggest problem you always say it won't help) -Making real life friendships (you need guy friends like me and Dust, only in real life. So that way they can help you along, and even give you a good kick in the butt when needed. Hey, this is what good friends do) -Try a Public Speaking class (PS increases one's confidence a lot) -Any other self-improvement tips we've given you (everything is ignored by you or you say it simply won't help) In the end your attitude is only harming you.
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