Anna86 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I have been single for the past few months. Just checking out the dating scene but not really wanting anything too serious. Before my ex I had quite poor luck with men. Since we broke up I think I have changed a little. I am more confident and secure in myself so it is easier to form a connection with guys. However, I am uncertain of their motives sometimes. I keep reading these stories here and from my friends that men are usually only after one thing. I guess I am quite flirty at first but I always make it clear that I don't and won't sleep around. Any guy I have ever gone on a date with as respected me and said that they will not pressure me into anything and they are happy to hang out. If I had a penny from every guy that told me that line I would be rich. If I press them further they will tell me they have had one night stands but that it didn't feel right. This is a contradiction in itself! Either I have stumbled across some moral men? Or I have dated some of the biggest liars going. Men or women can you shed any light on this? Should I believe it if I meet a nice guy I trust? Or are all men after one thing but disguise it well. I don't want to waste my time or some other guy's time by dating him and not ''putting'' out until I want to. How can I tell which guys are after one thing? Are some men really good at lying? I ask this as I am new to dating world. Before my ex I was too busy in Uni or planning on travels that I didn't want to waste time dating guys I wasn't instantly drawn. Now, I know I have to open up my mind and date different types of men so I can figure out what I want
iJester Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Don't be so flirty in the beginning, unless you are going to put out, and don't put out unless you're comfortable.
Author Anna86 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 If I meet a person, male or female I am interested in what they have to say so I listen to them. I know that if it is an attractive male that I am speaking to I can't help but smile more and flirt. This is just human nature and getting to know if we have a connection. This is also how the woman lets a man know she wants to see him again. Ps: I only do this to guys I want to see again. The general rule of thumb is three dates and then sex? I don't think its enough time!! If I like a guy, really like a guy I will want to wait more time. This is how I think it should be. I tell men this early on. They say they are cool with it. But how many really are?? I haven't met anyone since my ex that I want to be in a relationship with so any guy I have dated has fizzled out after a couple of dates. No guy has ever rejected me or stopped calling me because I didn't put out. This is what I find a contradiction!! I hear too many stories of men after one thing but yet 90percent of the guys I have dated have been respectful and decent. However, maybe after the 4th or 5th date with ZERO action apart from a kiss would they still be so eager??????..... Anyway, I guess the bottom line is that if any guy won't wait they aren't worth it. But I am curious has any guy ever used that line before? As in 'whenever you are ready, I don't like one night stands anyway' crap. Have any of you EVER meant it?
iJester Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I posted in a thread about this last week. My tactic when girls "like me, but want to wait", is to wait. I'm willing to wait up to a couple of months and still go on regular dates, and while I'm waiting for one girl, I'm chasing another or a couple. If a girl makes me wait two months though, I'm really just in it because I don't like to lose and I'll just bounce after I **** her a couple times. The girls I've dated longterm were pretty eager to get physical and it happened within the first few weeks, or after a long(years) friendship. One that really sticks out, that wasn't a friend is a very shy, conservative girl and not easy by any means.
Author Anna86 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Okay, I get the point ALL men want sex!!! I agree, I am not that naive!! However, I think that most well adjusted men like female company and are happy to hang out first before anything sexual. If you really like someone, would you be happy to respect their decision and be happy to wait for them? Sometimes when I am on a date the guy I am with might ask me back for coffee or to hang out at their place. I am always straight up before I go and most are cool with it. This is my opinion and I guess I wanted some feedback from men I don't know!!!
rafallus Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 If you really like someone, would you be happy to respect their decision and be happy to wait for them? I don't think "waiting" in that form even exists. The thing is, you speak so now, because you presumably aren't turned on, so certain things don't fly well. But if you found a man, who is making moves on you from the get go, and you feel more and more aroused, I'm not such a firm believer that you would say the same in that case.
Author Anna86 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 ....I am certain not every man feels that way!!! What is a relationship then? It is based on love, respect and honesty. Of course sex is very important in a healthy relationship! So, I think if a guy is willing to stick with me through the ups and downs of a healthy relationship then they can wait a month or so to prove it? And I won't make a guy wait forever!!! Its not for moral or religious reasons. Its more what I feel comfortable with. Maybe the 4th or 5th date is okay if I feel I want to be with him like I did with my ex.
Author Anna86 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Rafullus, you know what, I agree with you!! I can't say that that will never happen to me. I have no moral objections to it at all. It's just that I don't get turned on by men I don't fully know or trust. Maybe if I met some magical guy it would be a different story....
iJester Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I feel like, if you really like me, you won't want to wait. I feel like girls that do this are testing me, and it's insulting, so I spoil their stupid test by passing it, ****ing them, then coming up with a lame excuse or ignore them. Most men probably aren't like me, in that they won't deliberately mislead someone, but there are still plenty of guys that will lead you on and have no problem waiting around while they chase other girls. Girls like you are usually better in bed, because you're not just a drunk ****. Girls are always more sexually intense when there's an emotional connection because they're just more willing to please and you can just feel it, so a lot of people are willing to fake that connection. In my case, I don't even fake it; I just take them out and have a blast, but I know it's not going anywhere. All that said, you can find a good guy out there, just don't do anything you're not comfortable with and you should be okay.
fwang Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I have been there. And my conclusion is, I was in a wrong crowd at that time. Back then, I always hit downtown on weekends and met a lot of people in bars or clubs. They shared the same lines you described in your thread. They say they want something real but they just sleep around. There is one guy, we hanged out for about 1 month. I was introduced to all his co-workers, including his bosses and CEO, and friends because according to him,he wanted to know me better. 1 month later, we slept together and obviously, he didn't want to know me any more after that. Now I understand. All these BS is the excuse he used to get you on bed.
thatone Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 the answers to all of your questions are "yes". so the bottom line is there are different people with different motivations. you have to figure them out.
Nexus One Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Some answers in this thread really suck. OP seems to want to find a boyfriend that likes her for her. Telling her to shell out easy sex is giving her the wrong advice. Guys looking for easy sex don't tend to be quality boyfriend material. You'd weed out most p*ssy chasers by holding out for roughly 1 to 3 months. Let them get angry and frustrated within that time, because if they do then you know what's up. A guy that's genuinly into a woman will not get angry when he has to wait a month or even three months for sex, because in that case he'd quite probably have more reasons for staying with her than just sex. However if it takes longer than that period of time, then he will start wondering if there perhaps is something wrong. If it takes longer he might for example think she doesn't find him attractive enough to have sex with, so waiting too long wouldn't be good either if you really like the guy.
iJester Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I agree with Nexus, but for me that time frame is 1-4 weeks.
rafallus Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) There are however problems with "withhold sex to weed out players" fallacy: 1. You assume that the guy isn't dating/seeing anyone else. You can't rely on that - such player may be perfectly fine with not having sex with you, because after a date with you he calls his FWB or other girl he's dating and has some crazy night. To make things "worse", until you two aren't exclusive, that isn't even cheating. 2. Just because you didn't have sex and he still wants to see you, doesn't mean he likes you for who you are. In fact he may see you as some sort of challenge, just to entertain his ego ("how long will it take me to break her?" type - truly nasty thinking). Such charades aren't probably very common (I recall only one guy I know, that may be thought of as such), but it's still hardly "I like you for who you are". You probably need to use some intuition/cold reading to figure that out. As you meet more and more people, you will probably spot some patterns anyway. Also, I bet that if such "quality boyfriend material" was offered sex by an attractive girl he hardly knows, he wouldn't refuse it. Edited July 11, 2011 by rafallus
fwang Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 There are however problems with "withhold sex to weed out players" fallacy: 1. You assume that the guy isn't dating/seeing anyone else. You can't rely on that - such player may be perfectly fine with not having sex with you, because after a date with you he calls his FWB or other girl he's dating and has some crazy night. To make things "worse", until you two aren't exclusive, that isn't even cheating. 2. Just because you didn't have sex and he still wants to see you, doesn't mean he likes you for who you are. In fact he may see you as some sort of challenge, just to entertain his ego ("how long will it take me to break her?" type - truly nasty thinking). Such charades aren't probably very common (I recall only one guy I know, that may be thought of as such), but it's still hardly "I like you for who you are". You probably need to use some intuition/cold reading to figure that out. As you meet more and more people, you will probably spot some patterns anyway. Also, I bet that if such "quality boyfriend material" was offered sex by an attractive girl he hardly knows, he wouldn't refuse it. Agree with your points. Dating is hard.
ruffster Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Ana86, I don't think all guys are after only one thong: sex. Question for you... What if you knew that a guy honestly had feelings for; that he liked you in a girlfriend type way, and he put the feelings part above sex and simply said, "we can wait for sex, no big deal, I like you for you." Would you still view him as lieing?
chuckles11 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I don't think that there is a way to game the system OP. The only way to figure out whether these guys are serious about waiting until you are ready or only after sex is to date them and not have sex until you are ready. If they disappear, then you have your answer. If the guys you have been dating have been saying that they are willing to wait, I don't see what the problem is. If your question is whether they're happy to wait, the answer is probably no. Obviously, most of them would rather be having sex than not having sex.
delilah123 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 There are however problems with "withhold sex to weed out players" fallacy: 1. You assume that the guy isn't dating/seeing anyone else. You can't rely on that - such player may be perfectly fine with not having sex with you, because after a date with you he calls his FWB or other girl he's dating and has some crazy night. To make things "worse", until you two aren't exclusive, that isn't even cheating. 2. Just because you didn't have sex and he still wants to see you, doesn't mean he likes you for who you are. In fact he may see you as some sort of challenge, just to entertain his ego ("how long will it take me to break her?" type - truly nasty thinking). Such charades aren't probably very common (I recall only one guy I know, that may be thought of as such), but it's still hardly "I like you for who you are". You probably need to use some intuition/cold reading to figure that out. As you meet more and more people, you will probably spot some patterns anyway. Also, I bet that if such "quality boyfriend material" was offered sex by an attractive girl he hardly knows, he wouldn't refuse it. yeh my last boyfriend was v loyal etc, but he had only had one night stands before me. I mean.. he was still human! He needed sex and he wasn't in a relationship. Although he did have a FWB before we started dating and when I asked about her after our first one or two dates he said "god no, i stopped seeing her before our first date." so back to the boyfriend material
fwang Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 yeh my last boyfriend was v loyal etc, but he had only had one night stands before me. I mean.. he was still human! He needed sex and he wasn't in a relationship. Although he did have a FWB before we started dating and when I asked about her after our first one or two dates he said "god no, i stopped seeing her before our first date." so back to the boyfriend material Sometimes, it's all about timing and compatibility. One of my friends told me that before he met his current girlfriend, he never had a serious relationship. He flirted with them, made out with them and then disappear only becuase he was not fully attracted by those girls.
Nexus One Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 There are however problems with "withhold sex to weed out players" fallacy: 1. You assume that the guy isn't dating/seeing anyone else. You can't rely on that - such player may be perfectly fine with not having sex with you, because after a date with you he calls his FWB or other girl he's dating and has some crazy night. To make things "worse", until you two aren't exclusive, that isn't even cheating. 2. Just because you didn't have sex and he still wants to see you, doesn't mean he likes you for who you are. In fact he may see you as some sort of challenge, just to entertain his ego ("how long will it take me to break her?" type - truly nasty thinking). Such charades aren't probably very common (I recall only one guy I know, that may be thought of as such), but it's still hardly "I like you for who you are". You probably need to use some intuition/cold reading to figure that out. Also, I bet that if such "quality boyfriend material" was offered sex by an attractive girl he hardly knows, he wouldn't refuse it. You have some good points. Regarding point 1 though, players I know tend to be very time efficient, because they're impatient and they're impatient because they're addicted to p*ssy. They gravitate towards the easiest available p*ssy, so if one girl is only 5% harder than another, then they just walk away mid-sentence to go for the easier option. Getting drinks thrown at them, getting cursed at, they don't care. However, those are a "particular" type of player. Perhaps there are more patient players, who knows. Perhaps like you said there are guys who manage their options and work them over time, i.e. screwing another girl when the one he's dating isn't putting out yet.
musemaj11 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Dating is expensive for me as a guy. So I want a return for my investment as quickly and ad as often as possible.
Jonny85 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Anna, I've never used this, but I typed stuck in a rut, get up and walk, into google and came across a post of yours about your relationship. I just wondered how things are now, because you seem to have been through the exact same situation as me. was with a great girl for 2 and half years, and for some reason or another, I decided it wasn't for me, I didn't feel she was bringing out the best in me, and we broke up, and now for the past 3 months, I am up and down like a yo yo. I even went away on holiday recenlty to clear my head and could not be happy even in florida which is my happy place :-). I miss having a sleeping partner ever night, i miss having someone to talk to. I'm in scotland, family is in Ireland and even the people I went to uni with have moved away, so now i am lost. I don't know how to make myself happy again, and I dont know what to do with my life. I dont necessarily think that getting back with her, if it were an option would be good, but i just have a fear that I won't find anyone that compares to her, I can't see myseld being happy with someone. recently decided to go looking for girls again, and have had a few one night stands....which is not like me, and to be honest the sex although its good seems meaningless, and the next day i'm even more depressed about things. I don't even know if this is what this forum is for but you just had a similar situation and i just wanted to hear from someone who is working through it.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I asked myself the same question about what they want! Good to know I'm not alone. When the Ugly Truth came out I watched it and loved it but I've always wondered is that what guys want girls to be?
thatone Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) I have been single for the past few months. Just checking out the dating scene but not really wanting anything too serious. Before my ex I had quite poor luck with men. Since we broke up I think I have changed a little. I am more confident and secure in myself so it is easier to form a connection with guys. However, I am uncertain of their motives sometimes. I keep reading these stories here and from my friends that men are usually only after one thing. I guess I am quite flirty at first but I always make it clear that I don't and won't sleep around. Any guy I have ever gone on a date with as respected me and said that they will not pressure me into anything and they are happy to hang out. If I had a penny from every guy that told me that line I would be rich. If I press them further they will tell me they have had one night stands but that it didn't feel right. This is a contradiction in itself! Either I have stumbled across some moral men? Or I have dated some of the biggest liars going. Men or women can you shed any light on this? Should I believe it if I meet a nice guy I trust? Or are all men after one thing but disguise it well. I don't want to waste my time or some other guy's time by dating him and not ''putting'' out until I want to. How can I tell which guys are after one thing? Are some men really good at lying? I ask this as I am new to dating world. Before my ex I was too busy in Uni or planning on travels that I didn't want to waste time dating guys I wasn't instantly drawn. Now, I know I have to open up my mind and date different types of men so I can figure out what I want you want an honest answer to all of your questions? "yes" honestly, people are different. there's a person that matches every one of your descriptions because there are different people. of course if a man approaches you and asks you out he is sexually attracted to you, ALL of them are. don't think too much about it. some men are content to wait and don't want to have sex too early themselves, others put no emotional bearing on sex at all and would be content to have happy ending first dates forever. but whichever they are, they are ALL sexually attracted to you. would you want to be with a man who is not sexually attracted to you? of course not. so first thing is get rid of your preconceived notions, because as stated above ALL of them are sexually attracted to you, and you can't expect them to turn that on and off to appease what your notion of sexuality is, because men and women view sex differently in most cases. now, you can demand that they behave themselves, that i won't disagree with. if you make it clear that you're not the type to jump into bed with a man after a date or two they can and should respect that, but you know what? the burden of timing has been passed to you when you made those rules. so you have to take the initiative at that point and establish clear boundaries that they can read, and make it obvious that you're ready when you're ready, you can't expect them to read your mind. so for example, if you invite a man to your house after a date, don't be surprised when his hands wander more than usual as he kisses you, because you invited him to your house, so he's going to try to get sex. in short, you are no different in your situation than men are. men have to learn to listen to women, observe their hints and suggestions, and act accordingly. you have to learn to do the same with men. you do so by setting the boundaries you are willing to operate within, observing the boundaries they operate within, evaluating their words and actions, and making rational decisions (yes rational ones, not stereotypical ones, or my girlfriend said, or my mom said, or oprah and dr phil said, RATIONAL ones that you make by yourself). it's a two way street. just as men have to learn these things to be successful with women, you have to learn those things about men to be successful with men. as for what men want... stable, sane, rational men don't want anything different from what most women want. they want a confident, attractive, interesting woman. the problem lies in the fact that women do not have any serious drawbacks to a lack of confidence, at least not as much as men do. women will be approached by men, not the other way around, so women can get by without it and still find dates, but when they lack confidence they find themselves either too nervous and indecisive around the man in question (which get a stereotypical man label of 'crazy') or too scared of rejection to say no to anything the man in question wants, which will leave him bored and looking for greener pastures. Edited August 5, 2011 by thatone
patagonia Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I think flirty women are sexy, to me it shows confidence. Lot's of different things show confidence. However, no, I am not out for one night stands.
Recommended Posts