KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Hi guys, I'm new to the forum and I'm hoping that you can give me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been happily dating and in love for almost a year. Recently I went to the gynecologist and a week later was told that I had irregular pap smear. This has never happened to me before. For any guys reading this, that basically means that my cervix has precancerous cells on there, caused from the HPV virus. This is an STD (albeit not the worst one to have) and I have no doubt that I contracted this from my boyfriend. The night I found out, I went to boyfriend's apartment and told him about the gyno. I also, gently, told him that chances are he gave this to me (since there was no one else I was sleeping with and I get an annual pap smear/HPV test). He was very supportive, loving, caring, apologetic, etc. For the record, I was careful not to make him feel bad at all, I just wanted him to know that I was dealing with this. Guys with HPV often don't know that they are carriers of the STD. There's no test for it (that I know of). And I know and trust that my boyfriend wouldn't knowingly ever give this to me. Long story short, after dealing with this, I realized that my boyfriend and I never had specific talks about our sexual past. like...the how-many-people-have-you-slept-with numbers game. I know some stuff. Like, he's had a few girlfriends, and how long they were together. I know he's been single in the city for a while and had his fun. Single guy in NYC - they have no problem having sex whenever they want. But when we first started dating, he made it clear that he doesn't want to know about my sexual past, so up until now, I haven't really pressed about his. He doesn't understand why I would want to know about his single days/sexual past saying it won't help anything, it's not important to what we have now, and it's more important to talk about the present and the future. For the record, the few times I have asked him questions, he has been forthright and open - which makes me think it's more him not wanting to know about my past (which isn't that exciting anyway). I understand what he means, to a certain extent. But, now that I've contracted an STD from him I know I was foolish for not pressing the subject earlier? But my question to the forum is, how much of a partner's history do you need to know in order to be satisfied and content with the present and future? Sometimes I just want to know more about who he was, how he dated, who he dated, etc. Is that wrong of me to be so curious? Should I let it go? Is it enough to know that he's a) got a clean bill of health and b) treating me well? Thanks for the help!
TigerCub Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 But my question to the forum is, how much of a partner's history do you need to know in order to be satisfied and content with the present and future? Sometimes I just want to know more about who he was, how he dated, who he dated, etc. Is that wrong of me to be so curious? Should I let it go? Is it enough to know that he's a) got a clean bill of health and b) treating me well? Thanks for the help! It is true, both of you should have been tested BEFORE having unprotected sex. After the act, it really doesn't matter who he slept with. If it mattered, it should have been before. As for me, I don't want to know numbers and I don't want to know, who, where,when, how many @ a time, etc. I just want to know that they are clean - that's all that matters to me. I wouldn't press to find out more about his past, if I were you, because it has happened to other people before where they ask about the past, then find out about threesomes and orgies, and whatever and then all of a sudden get jealous and all hung up about their SO's past - that's not fair. So I would say leave well enough alone, he should still get tested for other stuff tho - start off on a blank sheet together now.
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 If your guy was honest he would of told you from the start. he is hiding something. He sais why should you know, since it's too late....how convenient for HIM... You made sure not to make HIM feel bad? I bet he knew he had many partners and was to lazy to go for a STD test. or was afraid to. Now you are paying for it. I wonder what else he choosing not to tell you about his past.... Thanks, I appreciate the reply. The thing is, from what I've been able to research on the internet and by asking doctor friends I don't think that men can actually get tested for HPV. He told me he's been tested last year for everything else. I do believe him. Just sucks that he didn't know he was a carrier.
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 It is true, both of you should have been tested BEFORE having unprotected sex. After the act, it really doesn't matter who he slept with. If it mattered, it should have been before. As for me, I don't want to know numbers and I don't want to know, who, where,when, how many @ a time, etc. I just want to know that they are clean - that's all that matters to me. I wouldn't press to find out more about his past, if I were you, because it has happened to other people before where they ask about the past, then find out about threesomes and orgies, and whatever and then all of a sudden get jealous and all hung up about their SO's past - that's not fair. So I would say leave well enough alone, he should still get tested for other stuff tho - start off on a blank sheet together now. thanks for the reply, yes, i know what you mean about wanting to find out more about a boyfriend's past and how curiosity killed the cat. If I dig too much and force a conversation with him I think I'll a) upset him and b) put a wedge between us. Before I ask any questions, I need to ask myself if I really want to know the answer? He has made it clear that I can always ask him anything...but in the same sentence he'll ask me why I really want to know certain things. I don't think he's hiding, I just think he's protecting us. Who knows, maybe he's had this happen in other relationships and too much honesty or conversations about the past actually hurt the present? From the few conversations we have had about our pasts, I can gather that he had a good time when he was single...could be 3somes, lots of hook ups, who knows. I'm not judging. It's just in the first year there's sometimes this need/desire to know as much as you can about the person you're with before you move forward and lately I'd had that urge. I think in time, if we stay together through the years, we will inevitably find out more about each other. For now, you're right, I need to be content in knowing he's clean, so am I, and in time we'll learn more about our past.
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 He will cheat on you, i say dump him and his STDs and find a clean man who did not had 3somes for years and swinging with she-males before him finding you.... I won't dump him over this. Look it up, guys can get tested for STDs and still not know about the HPV virus. Sucks. But it's truth. Time will tell if he's a good guy...I still think he is.
TuffCookieX Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Some of these responses are ridiculous! Men can't get tested for HPV... 80% of them will have had it at some point in their lives. More than 50% of girls ages 18-25 will have had it, hence why they no longer do pap smears for females under 21 because they pretty much all come back positive. As long as you're young and have a strong immune system, you will be fine. I got the gardasil shots, used protection in most cases, and still got HPV. It seems like a big deal at first but after discussing with my friends, they all have it/have had it too. My OBGYN has absolutely no worries about it, I just have to keep going every 6 months as opposed to every year. He won't even do a colposcopy because he knows it's useless. As for your boyfriend, as long as he got tested and was proven clean for all other STDs, you're golden. Don't dump a great person for something so miniscule. Edit to add: will knowing his past really change the way you feel about him? Who cares - you should worry about the here and now, as long as he treats you well.
lemonlegs Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Some of these responses are ridiculous! Men can't get tested for HPV... 80% of them will have had it at some point in their lives. More than 50% of girls ages 18-25 will have had it, hence why they no longer do pap smears for females under 21 because they pretty much all come back positive. As long as you're young and have a strong immune system, you will be fine. I got the gardasil shots, used protection in most cases, and still got HPV. It seems like a big deal at first but after discussing with my friends, they all have it/have had it too. My OBGYN has absolutely no worries about it, I just have to keep going every 6 months as opposed to every year. He won't even do a colposcopy because he knows it's useless. As for your boyfriend, as long as he got tested and was proven clean for all other STDs, you're golden. Don't dump a great person for something so miniscule. Edit to add: will knowing his past really change the way you feel about him? Who cares - you should worry about the here and now, as long as he treats you well. I'm sorry but WTF are you talking about? You know you can't just "have HPV at some point"? It's like herpes.... it's for life. And it's closely linked to cervical cancer. Not gonna lie, ANY STD isn't really anything to brush off... especially because you seem to think that it's essentially harmless. Yes, some strains are resolvable on their own terms, but when you're medically diagnosed as having HPV, it's not longer not a big deal. Sure, a lot of people have it but that doesn't mean it's nothing to worry about. Maybe I just have a different outlook... Sorry OP. I'm not trying to be rude, but realistically, it IS a big deal that your boyfriend "unknowingly" gave you an STD. Kinda sucks now that for the rest of your life, any partner you will have will have to be informed before ever being intimate with them. Edited July 11, 2011 by lemonlegs
crazylove Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 @lemonlegs, maybe you should go and read up about it, what tuffcookiex said is true. Around 80% of adults have HPV, so pretty much, if you've slept with anyone, you have it . . fact. Men can't test for it at the moment, so can't tell if they have it. Women tend to find out when they have a dodgy smear test. KatNYC, i'm just wondering, were you a virgin when you met your boyfriend? Otherwise you're never going to know for sure where you got hpv from. Even just through skin it is thought it can be caught, doesn't even have to be penetrative sex (although i'm sure it is more likely to develop this way).
Dust Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I won't dump him over this. Look it up, guys can get tested for STDs and still not know about the HPV virus. Sucks. But it's truth. Time will tell if he's a good guy...I still think he is. It was just bad luck that you got your pap smear when you did. If it hadn’t come back abnormal you yourself would have never known. I’ve heard crazy statistics that say you should just assume you have some form of genital HPV if you’ve been sexually active. As a guy I’m not going out to get some special test that may or may not exist to find out if I have HPV so I can stigmatize myself to some girl who probably has HPV and doesn’t think she does. If you guys break up I guarantee he will not be going around saying “my last gf had an abnormal pap smear which means she probably has HPV and she says that I probably gave it to her.” I guarantee he won’t. If I were you I wouldn't bring it up either.
lemonlegs Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) @lemonlegs, maybe you should go and read up about it, what tuffcookiex said is true. Around 80% of adults have HPV, so pretty much, if you've slept with anyone, you have it . . fact. Men can't test for it at the moment, so can't tell if they have it. Women tend to find out when they have a dodgy smear test. KatNYC, i'm just wondering, were you a virgin when you met your boyfriend? Otherwise you're never going to know for sure where you got hpv from. Even just through skin it is thought it can be caught, doesn't even have to be penetrative sex (although i'm sure it is more likely to develop this way). Where do you people live? I'm 19 and have slept with 5 people. Yeah, I've had a "dodgy smear" but it was just abnormal cells and my next pap was absolutely fine. All of my girlfriends have had more than one partner for the most part as well and none of them have it, as far as I know. I did read up on it and it said that some strains don't cause problems/can go away by themselves, but when I think of HPV, I think of the strains that CAN and DO cause problems.... Edited July 11, 2011 by lemonlegs
Bionic Me Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I'm sorry but WTF are you talking about? You know you can't just "have HPV at some point"? It's like herpes.... it's for life. And it's closely linked to cervical cancer. Not gonna lie, ANY STD isn't really anything to brush off... especially because you seem to think that it's essentially harmless. Yes, some strains are resolvable on their own terms, but when you're medically diagnosed as having HPV, it's not longer not a big deal. Sure, a lot of people have it but that doesn't mean it's nothing to worry about. Maybe I just have a different outlook... Sorry OP. I'm not trying to be rude, but realistically, it IS a big deal that your boyfriend "unknowingly" gave you an STD. Kinda sucks now that for the rest of your life, any partner you will have will have to be informed before ever being intimate with them. Sorry to chime in but WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? Yes, you can just have HPV at any point and NO it's not like Herpes. YOu may have been positive for HPV (Which there are more than 100 different types), gotten a proper procedure to remove, zap or freeze the infected area of your cervix and have negative paps for years to come. The virus could come back in you're re-infected but it's not forever. In most women, it goes away in 2 yrs. Btw, an abnormal pap doesn't always mean that you have HPV. A pap looks for cell changes that can cause cervical cancer. The HPV test looks for the virus itself. Were you told that you have HPV or were you told that you have an abnormal pap? BTW- there is no way to know if your partner gave you HPV. I guess just your own judgment. The virus can be in your system for years and you not know it. There is no HPV test for males!
thatone Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 But my question to the forum is, how much of a partner's history do you need to know in order to be satisfied and content with the present and future? Sometimes I just want to know more about who he was, how he dated, who he dated, etc. Is that wrong of me to be so curious? Should I let it go? Is it enough to know that he's a) got a clean bill of health and b) treating me well? Thanks for the help! nothing you could have done would have resulted in a different outcome. as stated, there's not a reliable test. it's just as likely he didn't know he had it. the person he got it from probably didn't know they had it, and it could've been years ago.
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 @lemonlegs, maybe you should go and read up about it, what tuffcookiex said is true. Around 80% of adults have HPV, so pretty much, if you've slept with anyone, you have it . . fact. Men can't test for it at the moment, so can't tell if they have it. Women tend to find out when they have a dodgy smear test. KatNYC, i'm just wondering, were you a virgin when you met your boyfriend? Otherwise you're never going to know for sure where you got hpv from. Even just through skin it is thought it can be caught, doesn't even have to be penetrative sex (although i'm sure it is more likely to develop this way). Hey Crazylove. No, not a virgin. But before you say I can't be sure where I contracted it, let me just say that last year I had a pap smear AND HPV test and was normal. Didn't sleep w/ anyone after that til my current boyfriend. This year, when I got the pap smear and HPV test, it was abnormal. My gyno told me I have HPV and have to go get a colcoscopy. I was told by her that even if the HPV wasn't "active" and was lying dormant (or whatever you call it) it would STILL show up in a HPV test and/or pap smear would be abnormal. So, chances are that my BF gave to me. Am I wrong here? Maybe there's a small chance that I contracted elsewhere but I don't think so? To be fair to my boyfriend, I really truly don't believe he would knowingly give me an STD. Maybe...(and I don't know, so no one freak out) he just assumed I already had it since HPV is SO common and he was tested for everything else. TuffCookie is 100% right about those stats, btw. And it's not like Herpes, you don't have it for the rest of your life, and chances are (like over 80-90%) of all HPV goes away (your body fights it) after 2 years. I'm def not going to break up with him over this. I love him, he's a good man. Is it a pain in the ass? Yes. Scary? A little. But is it like AIDS or another STD? No. And most importantly, he says he didn't know he had it, and I believe him. If he were sketchy or an ass in ANY other part of our relationship I'd have my doubts. But he's a good person. I'm mad at myself for not having the sexual history talk earlier. And now, it seems pointless to want to know too many details about his sexual past. I know his # now. What else do I need to know? That he's slept w/ slooties? bartenders? Had threesomes? One nighters? Not sure how that would bring us closer or help the relationship?
thatone Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 it won't, if you're getting along as it is why rock the boat? there's no point in beating yourself up over it. as you found out, and as others have stated, there's no way for him to have known that he had it, and it's so common that there's nothing to really be worried about. so why worry?
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 it won't, if you're getting along as it is why rock the boat? there's no point in beating yourself up over it. as you found out, and as others have stated, there's no way for him to have known that he had it, and it's so common that there's nothing to really be worried about. so why worry? I appreciate that. I'd like to follow that approach since everyone (forum and my friends) have basically said that one way or another. My logical side is saying you're 100% right and to move on. My emotional side will get there too. We've got a good thing going, and I don't want to have this roadblock get in the way of it by asking questions I don't really want answered or by doubting him. This has been one of our first "issues", if you'll call it that. Maybe that's why I'm making a bigger deal out of it than probably needed. But, I'm really glad I asked you guys about it...made me feel better. Thanks!
Kamille Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 "That he's slept w/ slooties? bartenders? Had threesomes? One nighters? Not sure how that would bring us closer or help the relationship?" - You want a relationship with a male slut and you think you will be his LAST GIRL????? AHAHAHAHAHAH! Women.... Having an off-day Jizzara? You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder to be honest. To Kat, like others, my understand of HPV/pap smears is that it's possible for women to carry the disease and still have a positive test. That is, we'll test negative until we form precancerous cells. So, as others have said, there is a possibility your boyfriend isn't the one who gave you the disease. Now, to be on-topic: I'm of two minds. You got HPV, caught it in time, and now you know you're both as clean as can be. What would discussing the past change? At the same time, I'm concerned that you feel bringing up the topic might "drive a wedge" between the two of you. Why? If you feel you would benefit from finding out about your bf's past, why would he resent you for asking? I guess what I'm saying is this: ideally, you would be able to bring this up and he would understand why you want to hear it. Hopefully, too, you won't hold his past against him (and it doesn't sound like you would).
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 "That he's slept w/ slooties? bartenders? Had threesomes? One nighters? Not sure how that would bring us closer or help the relationship?" - You want a relationship with a male slut and you think you will be his LAST GIRL????? AHAHAHAHAHAH! Women.... dude, relax. I'm not saying he's a male slut. I'm not saying he slept with all those women, i'm just saying that i don't need to know specifics about his past. I'd like the cliffnotes, not the novel. No guy needs to tell a girl his favorite position with an ex girlfriend and do I really want to know if he did have threesomes and loved it? And for the record I never said that slooties/bartenders/threesomes/one nighters are bad. Whether you're a guy or a girl, do what you want when you're single. Have fun. But be safe. And when you're ready to commit, then commit with good intentions and your head and heart.
TuffCookieX Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Firstly, I would like to thank Bionic Me and crazylove for your defenses. Lemonlegs - please go read up on your facts before attacking someone. "Closely linked to cervical cancer?" Excuse me, but about 5% actually leads to cervical cancer... not sure how "closely" linked that is. When you get HPV yourself, along with 80% of the rest of us, you will be kicking yourself. Here, I'll do the research for you: http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/human-papillomavirus.cfm Read up! KatNYC - there is no way your boyfriend could have known about having HPV so please don't judge him poorly. Like I said before, his past is his past, worry about the present.
TuffCookieX Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 And for the record I never said that slooties/bartenders/threesomes/one nighters are bad. Whether you're a guy or a girl, do what you want when you're single. Have fun. But be safe. And when you're ready to commit, then commit with good intentions and your head and heart. Amen, sister. Singles can do what they want as long as they stay safe.
TuffCookieX Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Yes, let us forget all the killers and rapists who done things in a past (extreme ex.) it is now that matters......how magical... Why are you so mean? Do you not want others to be happy? They must join you in your misery? People have their share of fun, then settle down. Doubtful this kid is an ex-convict, you are VERY quick and wrongful to judge.
t0ri Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Btw, an abnormal pap doesn't always mean that you have HPV. A pap looks for cell changes that can cause cervical cancer. The HPV test looks for the virus itself. Were you told that you have HPV or were you told that you have an abnormal pap? This. I had an abnormal pap result recently and the doctor suggested I get further testing, so they tested my specimen for the HPV virus specifically and it came back negative. My doctor told me other reasons for an abnormal pap were inflammation, premature cervix, and something else non-harmful I can't remember. Discussing the past won't change anything now. It's not surprising (even if he slept with ONE person), and not his fault that he unknowingly had HPV as there's no test for men. BUT, as it's been said, HPV is extremely common and some strains will be rid of by your body. Just keep up the annual paps and doctor's instructions and let it go.
mortensorchid Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 For HPV facts, read here: http://www.cdc.gov/STD/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm As for your situation, it happens. You sound like you're alright with the situation, and hopefully he will be as well. It was be foolish, if not downright neive of you, to assume that we have all had a past. Hopefully you will get through this.
TuffCookieX Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I am not "mean" I am realistic..... Sounds like YOU just got diagnosed with AIDS and you're taking your anger out here. There is no "BUTS" because there ISN'T any HIV. Leave it alone. And Kat, I want to add: if you weren't a virgin before, you could have very well contracted HPV from someone else and it didn't show up in tests until now. That's usually how it works.
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 At the same time, I'm concerned that you feel bringing up the topic might "drive a wedge" between the two of you. Why? If you feel you would benefit from finding out about your bf's past, why would he resent you for asking? I guess what I'm saying is this: ideally, you would be able to bring this up and he would understand why you want to hear it. Hopefully, too, you won't hold his past against him (and it doesn't sound like you would). Thanks for all your insight today. Really appreciated. I need to think about this. Ask myself what I need to know about his sexual past, why I want to know, how it would benefit us, and will I be accepting of any answers? Once I can answer those questions, we can have a conversation and I have no doubt that he'll be responsive and it won't drive a wedge. But I think he just wants to make sure that we're having this conversation for the right reasons...
Author KatNYC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 And Kat, I want to add: if you weren't a virgin before, you could have very well contracted HPV from someone else and it didn't show up in tests until now. That's usually how it works. TuffCookie, thanks for all your insight today. You rock. I didn't know this? I asked my doc and she said that once you contract it and it's in your bod, it will show up on a HPV test. Who knows. I never accused my man, just said "chances are" because I didn't want to make him feel too bad because I know he probably didn't know he had it. He was never defensive, just supportive, and at the end of the day I think this experience made us closer. Believe me all...I'm a New Yorker...we're definitely not naive. I'm cautiously optimistic that my man is a keeper, that's all
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