whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Thank you all again for the advice. I am confused as to what to do- still sleeping on it. We last spoke on Sunday when he had begged me not to tell his wife as it would hurt his child. If I were the wife, I would want to know- absolutely. BUT. Until I am CERTAIN that my motives are clean- (I do feel inside that I would like to "hurt him" like his lies hurt me) I can't make a move. Why tell her just to cause him hurt? Why NOT tell her and cause her hurt in the future? Still struggling. Still praying. I drafted the email, but have not sent it. Living in fear of the "send" button because I know I can't take it back. And part of me does care for him- the man I KNEW, not the man he IS. Still just struggling. Part of me wants to hurt him. Trying to reconcile the person I am with the person I want to be. What a bitch. I sure wish I had a "back" button. I agree with Turbo..Just because you'd want to know, doesn't mean she would want to know. She's got two young children.. Question is, can YOU live with yourself if you tell and all hell breaks lose? Yes, he is the one who is a total scumbag cheater and he deserves to face the consquences..But, is it up to you to decide his fate? His consquence? Can you live with the fallout, and also dealing with talking to his wife? This isn't as simple as firing off an email and washing your hands from this, having nothing to do with it again.. She WILL want to talk to you either by phone or talk to you in person. It isn't your life, it's hers and his, and their two little ones.. Be 100000000000000000000000000% sure before you hit send. As you said, there's no going back once you hit that send button.. You really may regret taking this to the next level by doing this. You have NO idea what is going on in their life, their daily dynamic.. One thing you should tell him is NOW is the time for him to get his shi.t together and stop cheating on his wife, fix the marriage and be there for his wife and kids. IF you decide not to send that email, you tell him that he is soooooo friggen lucky you chose not to.. And that he should take this opportunity to get help for himself too so he won't cheat again. My advice though is, don't tell. You have a conscious and I truly believe if you tell her, you'll regret it much more than NOT telling her.
reboot Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I wish someone would have told me so I could have avoided all the longs months of gaslighting and wondering if I was indeed crazy....
fooled once Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Crazy, When you first initially started this thread, I wondered about your intentions and all that. Reading your update, on the draft email and your honest, heartfelt thoughts, I realized that you are a pretty damn good lady and I love, LOVE how you have really sat and thought of this. I am so happy to see you looking inside YOURSELF and not acting hastily or with malice. Be PROUD of the woman you are. Yes, he is a jerkface a-hole, but you are not. Yes, you could have easily have said "hey, f*ck it, I am going to do what I want to do; the heart wants what the heart wants" But you didn't You didn't minimize your feelings, your emotions or your actions. You stood tall and OWNED it. For that, kuddo's to you!! There aren't many women who would have taken the path you eventually chose, to kick the lying piece of sh*t to the curb and not disrespect yourself. You are awesome! I love the idea of waiting a week to see where you are at. You can't press the "go back" button. You can do what you are doing, which is owning your part and seeing through the lies and baloney. Awesome! Now, no more talking to him. No more listening to his wimpering and whining. What a coward; what a weak pathetic man. Yuck, good riddance. While I do agree the wife should know what a piece of crap she is married to, remember that you have ended things. You aren't playing stupid and pretending that there wasn't an affair nor was there inappropriate behavior, mainly on his part. I just don't know if you should be the one to send the note. I am really torn on this. BUT, congrats to you for respecting yourself and knowing you deserve way more than he could ever give you or than he could ever be.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 This is a bit of a ethical dilemma in many ways cg... There is the possibility that she is the "live in blissful ignorance" (the truth can be too much sometimes) type. But she may also be the "brutal honesty" (not everybody wants to live a lie) type. I wouldn't advocate that you make any assumptions or rationalisations either way because you just don't know. This is one of those things where it would be really helpful to actually know the BW's personality. But I will say this: The BW never asked for your protection from the truth anymore than she asked you for the truth itself...so you can't make the assumption that you are protecting her from anything. That is for her to decide, not you. From a pragmatic viewpoint, it would be easier for you to simply dump them and get on with your life. You have no obligation to either of them. But then again, maybe life isn't just about your well-being. If you do intend on confessing, I recommend that you continue with the..."stalking" for a bit longer. You want to have as much information as possible before jumping down the rabbit hole. Whether she wants to know, is up to her. Whether you want to tell, is up to you. That's about it...
Author crazygood Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Well, I have thought and thought about it, prayed and prayed. Basically, I have come to the conclusion that it is not my place to decide what his wife does and does not know. Would I like to know? Certainly. But if I say with all honesty that I got out when I did because I did not want to interfere in another human's marriage, then I must simply get out and not interfere. The force that rules life (for me it is god- for others it will be different, but still powerful) will make that decision. Meanwhile, I am in good company, living a free life full of mistakes and wonderful people that see me through them. Happy thoughts to all of you- forgive each other, please forgive me, and let's get on with some HAPPY LIVING. So. Anyone got a cute SINGLE brother or cousin that would like to have coffee? LOL
MissBee Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Well, I have thought and thought about it, prayed and prayed. Basically, I have come to the conclusion that it is not my place to decide what his wife does and does not know. Would I like to know? Certainly. But if I say with all honesty that I got out when I did because I did not want to interfere in another human's marriage, then I must simply get out and not interfere. The force that rules life (for me it is god- for others it will be different, but still powerful) will make that decision. Meanwhile, I am in good company, living a free life full of mistakes and wonderful people that see me through them. Happy thoughts to all of you- forgive each other, please forgive me, and let's get on with some HAPPY LIVING. So. Anyone got a cute SINGLE brother or cousin that would like to have coffee? LOL I was hoping you'd come to that decision... I agree! She should know but you don't need to be the one further prolonging your involvement with them and his mess by telling her. If you don't tell her...trust, she will eventually find out. I LOOOOVE this and I love your spirit Happy thoughts to all of you- forgive each other, please forgive me, and let's get on with some HAPPY LIVING
TurboGirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 YAY Crazygood, glad you are going to put it aside and move on. :bunny:
neglected Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) Glad you're letting it go. Telling would not help his marriage, it would have left his kids with divorced parents. Edited July 16, 2011 by neglected
Cabin Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 You did the right thing. It isn't your place to tell. Is he wrong? Sure. It's on him. You are not part of the equation anymore. Whatever happens in their life now is up to them.
SecretFlower Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Hi Crazy, As a former OW (granted in a much longer time frame) I would say not to tell her. Over the years I definitely considered it out of spite and when she finally found out no one was happy. Not the wife, not the husband, not the ow, and definitely not the kid(s). Yeah, he's an ass, but maybe she already knows that.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Which is much better than living in a home with 2 parents that is broken. What is he schooling his children by being a cheater. The wife deserves some happiness too. Here's a question for you Kris (in the unlikely chance that you will read this again): Why even bother with this? You know that crazy has already made her choice. Me? I think that she should tell. When I was the BS, I would have loved for the OM to give me a heads up. See, I don't particularly enjoy living in ignorance. And when I found out I was the OM, the only thing stopping me from spilling the beans to the BH was my unwillingness to accept blowback onto me or MW (I can't pretend that I was being noble towards the BH by keeping quiet). Considering that he contacted me a year later, I doubt that he was a fan of being left in the dark. But what I think doesn't matter much. Odds are, BW will remain relatively ignorant for now. Sucks to be her.
KathyM Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 The wife deserves to know the truth. Otherwise, the husband will just continue to cheat with somebody else, and the wife will be sacrificing her life and hapiness in darkness and deceit with a jerk who doesn't deserve her. Just send her an anonymous letter. She would want to know.
keepsmilin74 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 CG's decision makes sense for her... I'd want to know if I was the bw but this is about CG's own peace. Not getting further involved in this cheater's home dramas seems like a good move. It's really not CG's problem anymore... and that's not in a selfish way, just prudent, IMHO.
Woman In Blue Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm pretty shocked by all the bad advice given in this thread. And I'm amazed at all the assumptions made about the BW - that she doesn't want to know what he's doing, or that she'll find out down the road so let someone ELSE be the one to tell her. Or that CG would be the one to 'ruin' this guy's family. Unreal. So what you're doing CG, in essence, is keeping his secret FOR him. That's exactly what you're doing. Do you think you were the first one to be swindled by this guy by being fooled into thinking he was single? Doubtful. And ALL the swindled women before you were probably ALSO given the bad advice to not to tell the wife. Just think CG, if someone had actually had the SPINE to tell his wife a year or two (or 5) ago, maybe things would have been different and you wouldn't have been scammed by him and left feeling angry and used. Have you ever thought of that? If someone had told his wife, way back when, maybe they could have fixed what was wrong or she could have dumped him so her sexual health wouldn't constantly be compromised by this con artist. This isn't ABOUT you anymore. It's about doing the RIGHT thing as a compassionate human being, and telling someone something that they NEED to know. But you go ahead and keep his dirty little secret for him - it's almost like you're protecting him. And considering how wonderfully he treated YOU, I find it amazing you're willing to do that for him - but that's exactly what you're doing. Do the right thing.
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Her decision does not shock me. I see her points even though I don't agree with her choice.
shayla Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 If this man is a serial cheater, then no matter what his wife is told, he will lie his way through it and she will believe him. Then the two of them together will bond over "the crazy psycho stalker" that is lying about having an affair with her saint of a husband. Cheaters are fantastic liars and have a tendency to marry desperate women that will believe anything to keep the man.
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 If this man is a serial cheater, then no matter what his wife is told, he will lie his way through it and she will believe him. Then the two of them together will bond over "the crazy psycho stalker" that is lying about having an affair with her saint of a husband. Cheaters are fantastic liars and have a tendency to marry desperate women that will believe anything to keep the man. This isn't true for all the wives of serials. Mr. Messy was a serial cheater. No one had the balls/backbone/integrity to tell me. When I knew, I took action and their was NOOOOO bonding over the crazy psycho stalker. And he is as far sainthood as I am at being a six foot tall white boy with man tits.
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