Should I tell his wife??

[crazygood]

Hi, I'm new here. I have been lurking for about two weeks because, well, obviously I belong here. What a mess I've been in. Ok- history. I'll try to make it short.

 

Met a guy through work. He was a client. He came into my work pretty regularly, maybe once a month for about a year. I had always found him attractive- he was sweet, and funny, and although you could look at him objectively and say he's not that attractive, there was mad chemistry there for me and I found him very attractive. I make a move and he accepts. Anyway, all the usual things happen and we are going at it hot and heavy for a month and a half before I find out (he sent a pic- my girlfriend spied the ring I had not seen). To be honest, none of the behavior he exhibited was setting off "married man" red flags. So, I call him, confront him, and all the usual lines they give out commence. No love, no sex, staying for the kids, (they each have 1 from prev but none together) mistake to marry her, loves me, wishes he could turn back time, oh f**k. Right? So I stick around for 2 weeks longer, trying to find my ass, and finally I find it and call it off last night. I'm done, my feelings of possible love starting to grow are now dead, and I'm mad as a hatter. Pissed. And I think his wife (together for 4 years) should know. Should I send her an email and let her know what was going on? Or what? I am not sure what my responsibility is. I am sure she won't leave him, I don't want that for them and I sure don't want him. I am thinking maybe this will allow them to break this thing open and deal with problems and get their marriage on steady ground again. Not real sure what to do- I'm angry with him, but not feeling vengeful. Just sorry for his poor wife. And really, I would want to know if it was me. Honestly.

[SidLyon]

Hi, I'm new here. I have been lurking for about two weeks because, well, obviously I belong here. What a mess I've been in. Ok- history. I'll try to make it short.

 

Met a guy through work. He was a client. He came into my work pretty regularly, maybe once a month for about a year. I had always found him attractive- he was sweet, and funny, and although you could look at him objectively and say he's not that attractive, there was mad chemistry there for me and I found him very attractive. I make a move and he accepts. Anyway, all the usual things happen and we are going at it hot and heavy for a month and a half before I find out (he sent a pic- my girlfriend spied the ring I had not seen). To be honest, none of the behavior he exhibited was setting off "married man" red flags. So, I call him, confront him, and all the usual lines they give out commence. No love, no sex, staying for the kids, (they each have 1 from prev but none together) mistake to marry her, loves me, wishes he could turn back time, oh f**k. Right? So I stick around for 2 weeks longer, trying to find my ass, and finally I find it and call it off last night. I'm done, my feelings of possible love starting to grow are now dead, and I'm mad as a hatter. Pissed. And I think his wife (together for 4 years) should know. Should I send her an email and let her know what was going on? Or what? I am not sure what my responsibility is. I am sure she won't leave him, I don't want that for them and I sure don't want him. I am thinking maybe this will allow them to break this thing open and deal with problems and get their marriage on steady ground again. Not real sure what to do- I'm angry with him, but not feeling vengeful. Just sorry for his poor wife. And really, I would want to know if it was me. Honestly.

 

I'm a BW and yes I think you should tell his wife irrespective of your motives or whether or not you are feeling vengeful. I wish somebody had told me...

[KathyM]

Hi, I'm new here. I have been lurking for about two weeks because, well, obviously I belong here. What a mess I've been in. Ok- history. I'll try to make it short.

 

Met a guy through work. He was a client. He came into my work pretty regularly, maybe once a month for about a year. I had always found him attractive- he was sweet, and funny, and although you could look at him objectively and say he's not that attractive, there was mad chemistry there for me and I found him very attractive. I make a move and he accepts. Anyway, all the usual things happen and we are going at it hot and heavy for a month and a half before I find out (he sent a pic- my girlfriend spied the ring I had not seen). To be honest, none of the behavior he exhibited was setting off "married man" red flags. So, I call him, confront him, and all the usual lines they give out commence. No love, no sex, staying for the kids, (they each have 1 from prev but none together) mistake to marry her, loves me, wishes he could turn back time, oh f**k. Right? So I stick around for 2 weeks longer, trying to find my ass, and finally I find it and call it off last night. I'm done, my feelings of possible love starting to grow are now dead, and I'm mad as a hatter. Pissed. And I think his wife (together for 4 years) should know. Should I send her an email and let her know what was going on? Or what? I am not sure what my responsibility is. I am sure she won't leave him, I don't want that for them and I sure don't want him. I am thinking maybe this will allow them to break this thing open and deal with problems and get their marriage on steady ground again. Not real sure what to do- I'm angry with him, but not feeling vengeful. Just sorry for his poor wife. And really, I would want to know if it was me. Honestly.

I would want to know also, if I was the wife. Nothing worse than living a lie and being played for a fool. She deserves to know the truth so she can make her plans (whether to leave the marriage or get counseling to try to save it), but without that knowledge, the man will continue on to bag another victim. It's not fair to the wife to go on believing that everything is fine when it is so terribly wrong. She deserves to know the truth. You may be the only way to get her that information, if her husband is good at covering his tracks. You would be doing her a favor by telling her. I would also like to commend you for having the moral character to break it off with this loser, and for valuing yourself enough not to be used by this POS. Good for you.

Edited July 11, 2011 by KathyM

[phillyfan]

I would want to know also, if I was the wife. Nothing worse than living a lie and being played for a fool. She deserves to know the truth so she can make her plans (whether to leave the marriage or get counseling to try to save it), but without that knowledge, the man will continue on to bag another victim. It's not fair to the wife to go on believing that everything is fine when it is so terribly wrong. She deserves to know the truth. You may be the only way to get her that information, if her husband is good at covering his tracks. You would be doing her a favor by telling her. I would also like to commend you for having the moral character to break it off with this loser, and for valuing yourself enough not to be used by this POS. Good for you.

 

Dude good 4 u, why not email her n direct her 2 this thread? She can see what u were thinkin in tryin 2 tell her n shed also get advice here. I think u sound like a cool girl n u did the rite thing , and yea, the wife is the important person now she deserves d truth.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi Crazy, just interested as to why she deserves to know NOW and not a month ago?

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, you'd known for 2 weeks, thought you had said longer. What did you want to happen in those 2 weeks, Crazy?

[TigerCub]

Hey Crazy,

 

Normally if someone is telling the wife as game play - I would say no

if the OW carried on an affair for a LONG time then things break off and she wants to suddenly look out and feel bad for the "poor wife", I'd say no.

 

But...it doesn't sound like you're doing any of that. I think you come off as genuinely wanting to tell the wife because if you were in her position you know that you'd rather know what's going on.

 

I agree with that outlook too. If I was ever cheated on, I'd certainly want to know.

 

I say tell her. Just have proof of something, or else the douche is just gonna gaslight her and lie some more.

 

Good for you for getting out a lot quicker than most.

 

Good luck

[bentnotbroken]

It sounds like you aren't running around with a paper bag over your head. I say tell her. If she believes great. If she doesn't then you have just made sure that he will leave you alone pretty damn quickly.

[Spark1111]

Absolutely! This guy is going around portraying himself as available until found out and then it's awwww shucks, you caught me, I'm unhappy, want to continue anyway?

 

Think you are the first? Doubt you'll be the last either.

 

I would tell her if for no other reason than she has the RIGHT to NOT be exposed to STDs.

 

Get yourself tested too!

[26pointblue]

You sound like a cool chica . . . good for you for kicking him to the curb so early on. I wish I had been as smart as you. Instead I held onto the ride & got myself into a huge mess & a lot more pain!

 

Yes, I agree you should tell her. She deserves to know. Your actions haven't been blameless but it sounds like you're owning up to them, learning from your past mistakes & ready to move on.

 

Ideally I think the news should come from him . . . but he's obviously not a very honest or decent guy, so, it's unlikely that he'll tell her. She may not believe you but at least you have given her the truth & later she might stop & re-examine. Good luck & best wishes.

[TurboGirl]

Crazygood...

Glad you "opted out" to save yourself.

 

Tell the wife, huh? I don't think it is your place to do that. So you want to ruin his life, his kids lives and her life...? (which may already be ruined, but it is not up to you to play GOD) You had a fling, found out he was a lying dog and dumped him. End of story. Move on. His life and his wife is not your business.

 

You had a fling with this guy, hardly a "long term A" like many of us have had. Sure, you could tell his wife and your xMM would tell her that you are a crazy stalker chick that he met at work! She could come after YOU so keep that in mind if you want to stir the pot.

[SoleMate]

I think a good case can be made for telling, given the particular situation of you having terminated the affair and thus not being primarily motivated by the desire to hurt or manipulate, but rather the desire to inform.

 

Just keep it strictly factual, and remember that at most you should provide facts ("He told me he was single and we had sex about 20 times throughout April and May"), not force conclusions ("He is a hardcore cheater and you should leave him"). Also be aware that gratitude is unlikely, and it is probably that the xMM will tell the W that you are a stalker psychowhore who has been relentlessly trying to invade his chastity, and fabricate many anecdotes to support that conclusion. So keep the interaction short - ONE call or letter, only. DON'T get wrapped up in trying to debate the facts and inferences, or for that matter even proving your facts beyond the original communication.

[MissBee]

I'm of two minds about it...but predominantly, I don't think you should tell her. I don't think you would be wrong for telling her, but you have to brace yourself for the possible outcome and for you possibly being inadvertently dragged into this situation even more.

 

You could make a clean break from him and believe that all that's in the dark eventually comes to light, and that if this is his usual, she'll eventually find out.

 

 

OR

 

You could be the bearer of the news which has several potential outcomes. Some of which are: 1) You could end up in a back and forth with her (and she may wrongfully be upset at you) and also be on the receiving end of his anger, which undoubtedly is stressful 2) She thanks you, that's that and you never hear from them again and they deal with that drama alone.

 

Sooo depending on what you feel like dealing with you can make your choice.

[KathyM]

The difference in this situation is that the OP did not know he was married, and broke it off when she found out that he was. I think the wife would be grateful that she had the nerve to call and tell her. She just has to make it clear to the wife that she would never date a married man, and she is only giving her this information because she thought the wife had a right to know. The wife is not going to be mad at this unwilling and unknowing victim. And as others in this thread have said, the MM is subjecting his wife to possible STDs. She has a right to know. She's not going to get that information from him. He's a liar and a cheater.

[jj33]

I usually take the position that its not the OWs place to tell the W because its usually done out of spite or in the hopes she will kick him out and she will have her man.

 

That is not your case. You got out within a short time of finding out. Tell her. She deserves to know what she is dealing with. If there are problems in the marriage and he is dealing with them by cheating instead of confronting them, they can work on them. If he is cheating for his own reasons, she deserves that information too.

 

If your H was going around pretending to be a single guy would you want to know?

[Heart On]

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't tell her.

 

Flip a coin and deal with the consequences.

[Emme]

Move on....

[fooled once]

Hey Crazy,

 

Normally if someone is telling the wife as game play - I would say no

if the OW carried on an affair for a LONG time then things break off and she wants to suddenly look out and feel bad for the "poor wife", I'd say no.

 

But...it doesn't sound like you're doing any of that. I think you come off as genuinely wanting to tell the wife because if you were in her position you know that you'd rather know what's going on.

 

I agree with that outlook too. If I was ever cheated on, I'd certainly want to know.

 

I say tell her. Just have proof of something, or else the douche is just gonna gaslight her and lie some more.

 

Good for you for getting out a lot quicker than most.

 

Good luck

 

I agree with Tiger.

[crazygood]

Thanks so much for all of the advice. I will be totally honest, as soon as I found out I went ahead and googled and searched and basically just found every little bit of info I could about both of them. I will also be honest by saying I felt for a few days that drag towards "helping him" deal with his "bad wife and bad marriage". She never paid attention, never loved him, no sex, blah blah blah. I felt so sorry for him! What a great guy I thought he was. EVEN AFTER I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING. I thought, MAN. What a sorry b****she must be to be doing this to this poor man, and him so loving and sweet and wonderful! Oh my lands. This experience has forever changed my views on the "other woman", lol. I thought they were just so WRONG and worthless. But, I am telling you folks- I came within a hair's breadth of staying in that poor excuse of a relationship. (And yes, I know "relationship" is not quite the right word- as his "relationship" is with his wife, but I don't know what else to call it. Sorry, wives! Don't mean any disrespect.) I really, really wanted to love him and take him home and just make it all better for him. But, I am an intellectual at heart, and at night, (alone, lol, while he was with his wife and their kids) I would come on here and lurk around, hoping to find answers to what I felt my dilemma was. There was a woman named Spark who posted something about how "the BS is a kind, decent, nice human being, and most OW don't see us like that because the MM has told her so many lies." Once I read that, I went and looked at her facebook picture (yep, I stalked 'em both good, lol) and what I saw had changed. Instead of seeing a cold b**** with a stingy smile and icy personality, I saw a woman who was smiling sweetly at the camera- with her loving arms around both her daughter and her step-daughter. A beautiful woman, with lovely children, and pretty eyes. It hurt my heart to the core. I wanted to go to her directly and give her a hug, and cry my eyes out and just apologize. It was an awful, awful feeling. And then I started to get ANGRY at him.

 

So. I wrote the letter. And re-read it tonight. Any you know what? There were some really nasty, but subtle, digs in there- at her, and at him. Just nastiness, covered up in sugar icing. My selfish, ugly, angry motives just glared at me from that letter. Yes- it was a letter of information. But if that were truly 100%- why the nasty digs? Why tell her that:

 

"He was angry with me, told me that you were only married “on paper”, that since your affair with his boss two years ago your marriage was dead and he was only there for the children. He wanted to continue to see me and sleep with me, clearly oblivious to the fact that I'm better than that- I am not interested in any relationship in which a man cannot respect me and treat me as I deserve to be treated." Uh huh. Very selfless.

 

 

 

Why say:

 

 

 

"Yes, if he had been single I would have ardently pursued him (however, now that I know him and his ways, better you than me on that one)." Now that is just plain sh*TTy and we all know it.

 

 

 

Crude. Mean. Nasty. This is what this very, very short time period of knowing he was married did to me.

 

 

 

Someone on here said "Why? You trying to ruin his and his kids lives, his wife's life, etc." or something like that. Well, yes. Maybe. No. I don't freaking know. But, until I DO KNOW, maybe it's better that I just keep my own counsel, for a little while, until I calm down and know wtf I am doing and WHY I am doing it. Because I don't want to be a selfish, rude, careless human being toying with the feelings of others. Because then I am just like him. And I don't want to be that way.

 

 

 

Should she know? Yes. She should. As I would want to. BUT. Should I tell her with ugly motives? No. I should re-evaluate and sleep on it for a week. So that my heart and soul are clean when, and if, I tell her.

 

 

 

You guys and ladies on here are all awesome. I have learned that being the OW is no picnic, but very easy to be led into. I have learned that the BS is not a monster- not usually, anyway. And I have learned I have somewhere to talk and to learn, where no one is trying to hurt me, and I can be honest and get some real honest opinions. Thanks so much. You have made my night much better.

[MissBee]

EVEN AFTER I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING. I thought, MAN. What a sorry b****she must be to be doing this to this poor man, and him so loving and sweet and wonderful! Oh my lands. This experience has forever changed my views on the "other woman", lol. I thought they were just so WRONG and worthless. But, I am telling you folks- I came within a hair's breadth of staying in that poor excuse of a relationship. (And yes, I know "relationship" is not quite the right word- as his "relationship" is with his wife, but I don't know what else to call it. Sorry, wives! Don't mean any disrespect.) I really, really wanted to love him and take him home and just make it all better for him. But, I am an intellectual at heart, and at night, (alone, lol, while he was with his wife and their kids) I would come on here and lurk around, hoping to find answers to what I felt my dilemma was. There was a woman named Spark who posted something about how "the BS is a kind, decent, nice human being, and most OW don't see us like that because the MM has told her so many lies." Once I read that, I went and looked at her facebook picture (yep, I stalked 'em both good, lol) and what I saw had changed. Instead of seeing a cold b**** with a stingy smile and icy personality, I saw a woman who was smiling sweetly at the camera- with her loving arms around both her daughter and her step-daughter. A beautiful woman, with lovely children, and pretty eyes. It hurt my heart to the core. I wanted to go to her directly and give her a hug, and cry my eyes out and just apologize. It was an awful, awful feeling. And then I started to get ANGRY at him.

 

Your entire post was awesome but this aspect was one of the most touching posts I've read....in which your honesty and introspection is transparent.

 

I think it was an incredible example of how things look and seem depending on the "lens" you're using.

 

I can see that you are an intellectual but also your self mastery is pretty decent...I liked that you went back and read your email and saw it for what it was pretty quickly. Fortunately for you, you have that presence of mind about yourself to be objective about your own actions...which is not always easy.

 

(((hugs))) You'll be quite fine Crazy. You dodged a bullet, consider yourself lucky and leave these people to their own drama...I think eventually the wife will find him out.

[whichwayisup]

As much as you feel his wife should know, I would say tell her if there were no kids involved, but there is a daughter and a step daughter, a blended family.. I know he's the scumbag cheater, you probably aren't his first OW and won't be the last either.. I'm not sure if I were in your shoes if I could tell and be the bad guy bearing bad news, seeing pictures of a mom and daughters.. The thing is, you don't know their life, what goes on behind closed doors, their family, inlaws, maybe there's a health issue with the parents, or one of the kids has a disability.. Do you want to open that door? I certainly wouldn't, even more so since you don't have a lot invested in the guy.. She will bust him on her own one day if he continues to cheat.

 

Obviously he's told you lies, who knows if she even cheated with his boss! He could have made that up to suck you in even more and feel sorry for him.

 

Just be sure this is what you want to do before telling..Once you tell, there's no going back.

[whichwayisup]

One more thing, if he bothers you and contacts you, then you tell him "If you try to reach me through calls, email or in person I WILL tell your wife." That ought to make him disappear from your life asap. Or, if somehow she finds out, and figures out who you are, then tell her and answer her questions..

[KathyM]

Thanks so much for all of the advice. I will be totally honest, as soon as I found out I went ahead and googled and searched and basically just found every little bit of info I could about both of them. I will also be honest by saying I felt for a few days that drag towards "helping him" deal with his "bad wife and bad marriage". She never paid attention, never loved him, no sex, blah blah blah. I felt so sorry for him! What a great guy I thought he was. EVEN AFTER I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING. I thought, MAN. What a sorry b****she must be to be doing this to this poor man, and him so loving and sweet and wonderful! Oh my lands. This experience has forever changed my views on the "other woman", lol. I thought they were just so WRONG and worthless. But, I am telling you folks- I came within a hair's breadth of staying in that poor excuse of a relationship. (And yes, I know "relationship" is not quite the right word- as his "relationship" is with his wife, but I don't know what else to call it. Sorry, wives! Don't mean any disrespect.) I really, really wanted to love him and take him home and just make it all better for him. But, I am an intellectual at heart, and at night, (alone, lol, while he was with his wife and their kids) I would come on here and lurk around, hoping to find answers to what I felt my dilemma was. There was a woman named Spark who posted something about how "the BS is a kind, decent, nice human being, and most OW don't see us like that because the MM has told her so many lies." Once I read that, I went and looked at her facebook picture (yep, I stalked 'em both good, lol) and what I saw had changed. Instead of seeing a cold b**** with a stingy smile and icy personality, I saw a woman who was smiling sweetly at the camera- with her loving arms around both her daughter and her step-daughter. A beautiful woman, with lovely children, and pretty eyes. It hurt my heart to the core. I wanted to go to her directly and give her a hug, and cry my eyes out and just apologize. It was an awful, awful feeling. And then I started to get ANGRY at him.

 

So. I wrote the letter. And re-read it tonight. Any you know what? There were some really nasty, but subtle, digs in there- at her, and at him. Just nastiness, covered up in sugar icing. My selfish, ugly, angry motives just glared at me from that letter. Yes- it was a letter of information. But if that were truly 100%- why the nasty digs? Why tell her that:

 

"He was angry with me, told me that you were only married “on paper”, that since your affair with his boss two years ago your marriage was dead and he was only there for the children. He wanted to continue to see me and sleep with me, clearly oblivious to the fact that I'm better than that- I am not interested in any relationship in which a man cannot respect me and treat me as I deserve to be treated." Uh huh. Very selfless.

 

 

 

Why say:

 

 

 

"Yes, if he had been single I would have ardently pursued him (however, now that I know him and his ways, better you than me on that one)." Now that is just plain sh*TTy and we all know it.

 

 

 

Crude. Mean. Nasty. This is what this very, very short time period of knowing he was married did to me.

 

 

 

Someone on here said "Why? You trying to ruin his and his kids lives, his wife's life, etc." or something like that. Well, yes. Maybe. No. I don't freaking know. But, until I DO KNOW, maybe it's better that I just keep my own counsel, for a little while, until I calm down and know wtf I am doing and WHY I am doing it. Because I don't want to be a selfish, rude, careless human being toying with the feelings of others. Because then I am just like him. And I don't want to be that way.

 

 

 

Should she know? Yes. She should. As I would want to. BUT. Should I tell her with ugly motives? No. I should re-evaluate and sleep on it for a week. So that my heart and soul are clean when, and if, I tell her.

 

 

 

You guys and ladies on here are all awesome. I have learned that being the OW is no picnic, but very easy to be led into. I have learned that the BS is not a monster- not usually, anyway. And I have learned I have somewhere to talk and to learn, where no one is trying to hurt me, and I can be honest and get some real honest opinions. Thanks so much. You have made my night much better.

Seriously think about sending the wife a letter informing her of the shenanigans of her dear hubby. If you don't, she might never find out, and he will continue to do damage to the marriage with further affairs, and risk her life and health with all the diseases he could bring home. The consensus has been on this board that the wife would want to know. You are the only one with that information besides the MM. If she has to live her life in darkness and give her life to someone so crude, then that would be a travesty. By her knowing the truth now, she has the opportunity to improve her situation. She can either leave and find happiness with someone she can trust who would be a good husband to her, or she can get marriage counseling and bring her marriage back to what it needs to be. You are holding her destiny in your hands, my dear. This is your chance to do something good and give her an opportunity for a life that she deserves. If the MM is allowed to continue, her life and marriage will be a sham, and she will be spending her precious life with a liar and a cheater who will continue to hurt the marriage and make a fool of her. Do the right thing and tell her. You would be doing her a favor. Just keep it a simple, informative and apologetic letter. Nothing nasty or overly hurtful. You've done nothing wrong, since you didn't know he was married.

[crazygood]

Thank you all again for the advice. I am confused as to what to do- still sleeping on it. We last spoke on Sunday when he had begged me not to tell his wife as it would hurt his child. If I were the wife, I would want to know- absolutely. BUT. Until I am CERTAIN that my motives are clean- (I do feel inside that I would like to "hurt him" like his lies hurt me) I can't make a move. Why tell her just to cause him hurt? Why NOT tell her and cause her hurt in the future? Still struggling. Still praying. I drafted the email, but have not sent it. Living in fear of the "send" button because I know I can't take it back. And part of me does care for him- the man I KNEW, not the man he IS. Still just struggling. Part of me wants to hurt him. Trying to reconcile the person I am with the person I want to be. What a bitch. I sure wish I had a "back" button.

[TurboGirl]

Crazy,

once you send the email there is no going back. She might not want to know - I know that you say you would want to know -- however, many women do not want to know and prefer to live with head in sand. You were a short term thing for this guy (yeah yeah, there are many who say the BS deserves to know! I disagree for numerous reasons in this instance based on personal experience).. There is a chance that he will clean up his act and not do this again (maybe not) But you are out of it, it is his problem with his Wife, and up to him to tell her.

 

She might not believe you. She might believe you and kick the guy out, and yeah the child would be hurt. She might believe you and flip out and come after you in ways that are unimaginable and make your life a living hell. Especially if hubby tells her he met you though work, that could be even worse for you. Please let it go, and move on. God will have judgment on this guy one day when it is time.

Edited July 13, 2011 by TurboGirl