RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 By now I'm sure most of you here are fully aware of my break up situation and of how much I blame myself for causing my ex bf to leave me (despite trying to tell myself differently a million times) but just in case you're not familiar, I discussed the circumstances surrounding my break up here. Anyway, now it has been well over 6 months since my break up and yet I'm still tortured by my own regrets every single day. No matter how many people try to tell me I was right to do what I did, that I couldn't have kept my insecurities secret, or that my ex bf used our argument as an excuse to break up with me, I just can't seem to get myself to believe it. And I'm really at my wits end with panic attacks, anxiety, heartbreak, regrets, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, emptiness, sleeplessness and depression. I've read- 'Its Called A Break Up Because Its Broken' - Greg Behrendt, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt And I'm in the process of reading - 'Getting Past Your Break Up' = Susan Elliott 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart' - Paul McKenna, Hugh Willbourn 'Break Your Addiction To A Person' - Howard M. Halpern And once I've finished all these, and I'm feeling a little better, I'll try to post a short review of each of them, in a thread where others can also chime in with there views, if it hasn't already been done. But for the moment I'm still in despair mode it seems. I thought I was doing a little better, but the more reality attacks my so far incredibly resilient delusional shield of denial, and the more what is to me a terrifying vision of reality sets in, the worse I feel. Because I've been wrapping myself up in the comforting feel of denial for far too long and trying to shield myself from the full extent of my feelings of grief and loss. And even though I have cried what many would deem an excessive amount of tears already, and been literally physically crippled with despair and depression, I fear this depression will only become deeper once my ever weakening shield of denial fully collapses. And I know most of you must be completely fed up of reading my posts and threads by now, as I know you've heard it all before a million times from me. And I know you don't believe me, but honestly, I really am sick of it myself too and I'm just desperate for these feelings to end. I've been writing a lot, drawing, playing games, doing the gentle exercise that my physical health will allow etc and distractions such as watching TV, browsing the internet and reading were helping to keep my mind off it more I think, possibly until I made a number of stupid mistakes trying to reach out to my ex again. And I have been a fool to keep contact with him, but I felt sure in my delusional world of denial, that sooner or later he would forgive me, come to his senses and want me back in his life (and a disturbingly big part of me STILL believes this despite all evidence that he's gone for good). But, of course, he hasn't wanted me back. Even though we have talked quite a few times now and things between us almost seemed to go back to normal for awhile, it was all an illusion. And I've been fooling myself for a very long time now. At this point, I guess I should put some bunnies in here, just to try and stay optomistic and remind myself that I WILL get through this! :bunny::bunny::bunny: There we go, 6 bunnies, one for every month me and my ex have been apart. But even a million bunnies would struggle to mask my pain. My senseless pain. My inner shame. As I still have flashbacks to my break up frequently and just can't seem to shake the fact that I caused it all to happen no matter what others say or what I say to myself. It seems to be ingrained or carved into my brain, written into my psyche. And the evidence seems to show clearly that I am to blame. That I am guilty and that I have been the one to ruin my life. Evidence (however flimsy it may appear to the outside world) that I have been unable to discredit in my own mind. Believe me I don't want this to feel this way. And I am determined that eventually (even if it takes several years) I will conquer this heartache, I will get better, I will become stronger. But I realize I may be nearing my last days at Love Shack, if I keep up this continuing defeatist attitude I seem to have developed, so I just want to thank each and everyone of you reading this that I am incredibly grateful for all your help and advice, even if at times it seems I've failed to heed your words, I promise you I have tried, and I am still trying to fight back, even if a lot of the time the opposite seems true. And the fact that I'm still here posting here and have come to consider a great many of you here my friends, is testament to how vital this site has been in supporting me through this hard time in my life. Thanks all.
RodG Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Best of luck to you, Ruined. I hope you turn that Ruined life around. Chin up, you'll be okay girl. I feel your pain, as I'm going through the some of the same pains and thoughts. Regret is one of the worst ones for me. Just have to fight every day...no matter what. I'm almost at two bunnies. One more week and it's: :bunny: months.
Author RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Best of luck to you, Ruined. I hope you turn that Ruined life around. Chin up, you'll be okay girl. I feel your pain, as I'm going through the some of the same pains and thoughts. Regret is one of the worst ones for me. Just have to fight every day...no matter what. I'm almost at two bunnies. One more week and it's: :bunny: months. Thanks RodG. Regrets are a terrible thing to live with, but I guess we all have to live with some Keep fighting!
wilsonx Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Getting past your breakup is an excellent book. It helped me tremendously letting go. I am a month into my breakup and now see my ex for what a piece of crap she truly is. The relationship inventory in there helped me see it. When I called my friends and asked them what they thought her positive qualities were... all of them said 1)She was pretty 2)(crickets chirping in the background) That was it and I was like ****
Mack05 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Ruined you have posted 47, yes 47 threads on more or less the same thing since the start of June. You seem to just go from one forum to another (Break up, Coping, Second chnaces) posting more or less the exact same stuff (see above). You are aware of this, but you are suffering from clinical depression. I know about depression as I suffered from it myself. I was exactly like you are Ruined. I found it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I felt my life was worthless and going nowhere. Battling depression for 6 months was the toughest experience of my life. I beat it and so can you. Once you know about depression you can see the warning signs and prevent it from happening in the future (as long as you are honest with yourself) You need to focus on two things 1) Your Health 2) Therapy. One of the best ways to beat depression is exercise. You can't exercise until you have your health sorted. It's a catch 22 situation. Your depression is greatly effecting your physical health, and your physical health is too poor to beat the depression. You have to, have to get your health sorted if you are going to fully beat depression. Are your health problems temporary or permanent? Secondly you need to find a quality Therapist. There are different types and levels of depression. A professional will be able to diagnose you and help you with idea's and suggestions to beat depression..They will also give you techniques on stopping obsessing about your ex. This endless obsession about your ex and your guilt, is effecting your health more then you realise. I am glad Ruined you are reading the books and doing more hobbies. These are small steps but they are crucial small steps in a long journey to recovery. Small steps is the only way to beat this. The next steps are getting your health sorted and Therapy. Before you know it Ruined you will be back to full health and your ex will be a distant memory. If he was right for you he would have helped you beat your insecurities, not used them as an excuse not to be with you..In future you will realise this.. We are all behind you Ruined...
Mack05 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 The relationship inventory in there helped me see it. When I called my friends and asked them what they thought her positive qualities were... all of them said 1)She was pretty 2)(crickets chirping in the background) That was it and I was like **** :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:. Thanks Wilson that made me laugh out loud
Author RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) I'm glad you guys are still behind me even after all my craziness. Means a lot But I have to confess I've been so stupid lately. I told my ex bf how much I still love him again last week and he replied "you're a good person, miss you, will talk soon". I mean I know he doesn't feel the same way anymore so why I have to put myself through this torture I don't know I guess maybe because I don't know, or at least I'm not convinced that its over for good. If I was convinced it was over for good, maybe I could lay it all to rest that much more easily. Instead of raking back up the past every 5 minutes. I'm such an idiot. Such a masochist. I'm only making things worse for myself I know. I just love him so much and I'm so desperate to fix all the things I did wrong that I'll do almost anything to try and get him to recognize how much I still care, in hopes that he'll give me another chance. But its all a lie. I know it is. Well.. I almost know it is. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. If he wanted to be with me, be would be with me. I wish I could just heed those words and stop twisting the knife deeper and deeper into my heart. Its so ridiculous Edited July 11, 2011 by RuinedLife
Mack05 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Ruined you are suffering from depression, which means even though you may think you are thinking clearly, you are not. I remember my mother/sister telling me 2 years ago that I should see a Therapist, as they felt I wasn't the guy they knew. They felt I was suffering from depression. I was in self denial and put on an act and convinced them and the outside world that I was fine. It took a very toxic relationship to actually make me realise the extent of my problems. The simple fact ruined, is as long as you stay in this state of depression you will continue this self destructive behaviour, until one day it gets so bad you could conceivably have a nervous breakdown. This is why it is SOOO important you find a good Therapist. She will give you idea's and assignments that will make you stop the self destructive behaviour over time. Once this behaviour has stopped, then you can focus on your health. Ruined forget about money, your health is your wealth. Get your health back and then you can start rebuilding your self esteem and drag yourself out of this depressive state. If you don't do anything then there will be another 447 similar posts and another 6 months of suffering, except it will be worse as your health will deteriorate even more..The more you obsess and beat yourself up the worse your physical and mental health will become. The lower and lower your self esteem will get.
Author RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Ruined you are suffering from depression, which means even though you may think you are thinking clearly, you are not. I remember my mother/sister telling me 2 years ago that I should see a Therapist, as they felt I wasn't the guy they knew. They felt I was suffering from depression. I was in self denial and put on an act and convinced them and the outside world that I was fine. It took a very toxic relationship to actually make me realise the extent of my problems. The simple fact ruined, is as long as you stay in this state of depression you will continue this self destructive behaviour, until one day it gets so bad you could conceivably have a nervous breakdown. This is why it is SOOO important you find a good Therapist. She will give you idea's and assignments that will make you stop the self destructive behaviour over time. Once this behaviour has stopped, then you can focus on your health. Ruined forget about money, your health is your wealth. Get your health back and then you can start rebuilding your self esteem and drag yourself out of this depressive state. If you don't do anything then there will be another 447 similar posts and another 6 months of suffering, except it will be worse as your health will deteriorate even more..The more you obsess and beat yourself up the worse your physical and mental health will become. The lower and lower your self esteem will get. Yes you're right I need better therapy. My current therapist is leaving but I am seeing a new guy in couple of weeks, so hopefully he'll be better. I know I am depressed but I'm still struggling to believe that I didn't cause my break up or that I am a worth while person who someone else will love. I just feel like my ex bf must think so poorly of me now and that thought taints everything and haunts me every day. I am keeping a journal of my thoughts now so hopefully that will help me get some perspective. But so far all my thoughts just remind me of how I messed up and ruined my relationship and that my life will probably be empty and meaningless now. And that is a very difficult mindset to break it seems. I know I need to use more positive affirmations and try to convince myself that I was not solely responsible for my break up and that I am a lovable person. But at the moment, the affirmations are struggling to get through it seems, as logic tells me that either I messed up in a big way and ruined my relationship or I was not good enough for my ex bf and became unlovable in his eyes.
geegirl Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Girl, you must stop being so hard on yourself. Stop calling yourself names. You did what you did. We've all done what you're doing in some form or fashion. It's not stupidity. There's a word for it, actually two words. Denial and hope. You're putting yourself through this torture because you won't give up hope. You're just hoping that if you say you love him many many times enough, he'll have a change of heart. You're hoping that if you remind him often enough, his heart will soften and the old feelings will come back. He can't say the words RL, because he does not feel the same way or at least the intensity that you feel. Stop stripping yourself of every ounce of pride and dignity that you have. It's almost as if you are begging to be loved. Stop. Please. It's not attractive and you're just pushing him away even further. Does it even cross your mind that whenever you say it, it may be causing him awkwardness and discomfort because 1) he feels bad he can't reciprocate 2) he feels pushed into a corner 3) he feels embarassed for you 4) he doesn't want to hear it. It's almost as if you're trying to force it out of him and it doesn't even matter if he means it. You may just cause him to not want to talk to you anymore at some point because he can't deal with it. If you tell a person that you love them, and they don't respond back, their silence is your answer. Stop telling them you love them hoping to evoke a response that you want. You keep saying "I know" in every sentence but you keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again. "I know...but." "I know...but." It's just words from you. Where is the action? Instead of indulging your habits, why don't you sit back and think and rationalize before you set out to do what you already know is bad for you. Or at least print these posts out and the next time you want to tell him you love him, read your posts and rationalize that you're going to just be spinning wheels as YOU KNOW he won't give you the response you want. Stop reacting the moment you feel weak. You give in to those feelings without thinking. Don't react to every thought or impulse. When you want to tell him you love him, stop, ask yourself, the last time I said I love you, I got nothing back. Why do it again? What am I getting back, nothing. If he loved me, I wouldn't have to say the words. He would willingly want to say them to me...think. Talk to yourself. Rationalize. Use your brain. Let it overide your heart. I wish, I know...denial. You don't almost know, you know. Do you think that your clingy and needy behavior is attractive to this man? It's not attractive for a woman to throw herself at a man thinking it would entice him more. You are pushing him away. If these are the behaviors that you displayed while you were with him and regret and are trying to fix, you're reminding him that what he was trying to get away from in the first place, is still alive and well. You're showing him that you're still that same person that, as you say made all the mistakes that drove him away. If he loved you, he would reciprocate your words. If he wanted to be with you, he would be by your side as we speak.
Mack05 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Ruined you clearly love this man. When you are in a big hole it's hard to get yourself out of it. You look at the bigger picture and you think very negatively like you are now. It's very hard to come up with the motivation to get yourself better. Correct me if I am wrong but your ex seems like a good guy. Why not use him as motivation to get yourself better. I think he would meet you down the line. Could you imagine in 3-6 months showing your ex the opposite of the insecure person, he saw at the end of your relationship?. Just find something that gives you the motivation to start the climb. Listen Ruined, he has probably moved on, but at least his last memory of you is someone who get her life back on track when she was backed into a corner. When you beat this, you will realise 1) You were not respondsible for the break up of the relationship. That takes two people. 2) You will realise that you are lovable because you will love yourself.
Author RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Girl, you must stop being so hard on yourself. Stop calling yourself names. You did what you did. We've all done what you're doing in some form or fashion. It's not stupidity. There's a word for it, actually two words. Denial and hope. You're putting yourself through this torture because you won't give up hope. You're just hoping that if you say you love him many many times enough, he'll have a change of heart. You're hoping that if you remind him often enough, his heart will soften and the old feelings will come back. He can't say the words RL, because he does not feel the same way or at least the intensity that you feel. Stop stripping yourself of every ounce of pride and dignity that you have. It's almost as if you are begging to be loved. Stop. Please. It's not attractive and you're just pushing him away even further. Does it even cross your mind that whenever you say it, it may be causing him awkwardness and discomfort because 1) he feels bad he can't reciprocate 2) he feels pushed into a corner 3) he feels embarassed for you 4) he doesn't want to hear it. It's almost as if you're trying to force it out of him and it doesn't even matter if he means it. You may just cause him to not want to talk to you anymore at some point because he can't deal with it. If you tell a person that you love them, and they don't respond back, their silence is your answer. Stop telling them you love them hoping to evoke a response that you want. You keep saying "I know" in every sentence but you keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again. "I know...but." "I know...but." It's just words from you. Where is the action? Instead of indulging your habits, why don't you sit back and think and rationalize before you set out to do what you already know is bad for you. Or at least print these posts out and the next time you want to tell him you love him, read your posts and rationalize that you're going to just be spinning wheels as YOU KNOW he won't give you the response you want. Stop reacting the moment you feel weak. You give in to those feelings without thinking. Don't react to every thought or impulse. When you want to tell him you love him, stop, ask yourself, the last time I said I love you, I got nothing back. Why do it again? What am I getting back, nothing. If he loved me, I wouldn't have to say the words. He would willingly want to say them to me...think. Talk to yourself. Rationalize. Use your brain. Let it overide your heart. I wish, I know...denial. You don't almost know, you know. Do you think that your clingy and needy behavior is attractive to this man? It's not attractive for a woman to throw herself at a man thinking it would entice him more. You are pushing him away. If these are the behaviors that you displayed while you were with him and regret and are trying to fix, you're reminding him that what he was trying to get away from in the first place, is still alive and well. You're showing him that you're still that same person that, as you say made all the mistakes that drove him away. If he loved you, he would reciprocate your words. If he wanted to be with you, he would be by your side as we speak. I know you're right geegirl. I really need to let him go, because I know if you really love someone then you want them to be happy no matter what, even if its without you. I just need to accept that he's happier without me now and need to resist all these urges I get to try and fix the relationship by telling him I still care. Because you're right its just pushing him further away, making him think even less of me. And I must stop. However, these false hopes I have are very difficult for me to squelch. The visualization alterations suggesting in 'I Can Mend A Broken Heart' help to fade away old memories. So that is quite a helpful technique, you think about a good memory of you and your ex and you fade the colors to shades of grey, reduce the size of the memory and push it away from you into the distance in your mind. And with practice and repetition this can help reduce the intensity of your memories. He also goes over the tapping technique for reducing anxiety levels so that you can calm yourself down and distract yourself so that you don't act on impulses you have to contact your ex. All these things with practice and time will help hopefully. But you are so right geegirl. I am showing my clingy behaviours yet again and I need to stop. I guess I just feel so lost and alone sometimes and so desperate to restore things to the way they were. But you're right, its only pushing him further away. Ruined you clearly love this man. When you are in a big hole it's hard to get yourself out of it. You look at the bigger picture and you think very negatively like you are now. It's very hard to come up with the motivation to get yourself better. Correct me if I am wrong but your ex seems like a good guy. Why not use him as motivation to get yourself better. I think he would meet you down the line. Could you imagine in 3-6 months showing your ex the opposite of the insecure person, he saw at the end of your relationship?. Just find something that gives you the motivation to start the climb. Listen Ruined, he has probably moved on, but at least his last memory of you is someone who get her life back on track when she was backed into a corner. When you beat this, you will realise 1) You were not respondsible for the break up of the relationship. That takes two people. 2) You will realise that you are lovable because you will love yourself. Yes I need to work on myself a lot and I have a long way to go yet. But at least I have you guys to help me out. I really don't know how you put up with me, but I'm so glad you do.
stray Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Ruined...I can't help but wonder if this infatuation is due to...having excessive time on your hands. If you're use to, well, doing almost nothing all day, every day, then you and any other seemingly sane person will start to become obsessed with things that no longer exist. The only way you're truly, completely going to get past this - is if you start being productive. Even if it's one, little thing at a time. Like taking an online class. Or doing volunteer work. If you never change your life, you will never change your mind. And any reason why "you cant" be productive is an excuse. There are quadriplegic people in this world who have educated themselves and become productive members of society. Nothing is gonna be handed to you on a plate. We all have to work for freedom, whether it's financial, emotional, physical. You're no exception.
broken-and-lost Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Hi ruined I was in a similar position to you to girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my depression and insecurities she tried to support me but it made her desperately unhappy and she thought my moods were directed at her and i accused her of many stupid things due to insecurities the whole thing is a very sad story i was riddled with guilt over everything i blamed myself for everything still have days were i feel guilty but like most people say on here you need to forgive yourself and remember it's not all your fault if they really love you they would support you through thick and thin. Depression is a really bad illness and if your partner knew you suffered with it then what you should have got was support, not used against you to exit!! been 8 months for me out of a 3 year relationship i've found hypnotherapy really helped you can download cd's from the internet you might want to try them.
CaliBabe Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. One thing I try to remind myself is atleast when I meet my next potential mate I can go through the process of being giddy to see them, and having those butterflies in my stomach again. Remember that when you get through this ordeal you will be invincible! These experiences will show you what you are made of and what strength you have inside. Continue to be strong and remember that saying. "You'll never know how strong you have to be until being strong is the only choice you have."
Author RuinedLife Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Ruined...I can't help but wonder if this infatuation is due to...having excessive time on your hands. If you're use to, well, doing almost nothing all day, every day, then you and any other seemingly sane person will start to become obsessed with things that no longer exist. The only way you're truly, completely going to get past this - is if you start being productive. Even if it's one, little thing at a time. Like taking an online class. Or doing volunteer work. If you never change your life, you will never change your mind. And any reason why "you cant" be productive is an excuse. There are quadriplegic people in this world who have educated themselves and become productive members of society. Nothing is gonna be handed to you on a plate. We all have to work for freedom, whether it's financial, emotional, physical. You're no exception. Yes, very true. I always find video to be very inspiring! Hi ruined I was in a similar position to you to girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my depression and insecurities she tried to support me but it made her desperately unhappy and she thought my moods were directed at her and i accused her of many stupid things due to insecurities the whole thing is a very sad story i was riddled with guilt over everything i blamed myself for everything still have days were i feel guilty but like most people say on here you need to forgive yourself and remember it's not all your fault if they really love you they would support you through thick and thin. Depression is a really bad illness and if your partner knew you suffered with it then what you should have got was support, not used against you to exit!! been 8 months for me out of a 3 year relationship i've found hypnotherapy really helped you can download cd's from the internet you might want to try them. Well the 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart' book comes with a hypnosis CD and I play that on repeat every night while I drift off to sleep. I guess its similar? I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. One thing I try to remind myself is atleast when I meet my next potential mate I can go through the process of being giddy to see them, and having those butterflies in my stomach again. Remember that when you get through this ordeal you will be invincible! These experiences will show you what you are made of and what strength you have inside. Continue to be strong and remember that saying. "You'll never know how strong you have to be until being strong is the only choice you have." Yeah very true. I just hope I have got enough strength to get through this and come out the other side as a better person, as at the moment I'm seriously struggling. Still hanging onto my ex's every word in hopes that its a sign that he still loves me, and still living in a delusional fantasy world where my relationship is fixable. I really need to snap out of it and start facing reality and feeling all the pain and grief again. Because although I've been feeling it, I've not been able to withstand the full force of it and thats why I always retreat back into the safe comforting feel of denial.
ShatteredDreams Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Thank you for that video. It made me feel a lot better today You're handling your situation a lot better than I handled mine. My ex, and people in my college see me as nothing more than a psycho that no girl would ever want to come near because of my 4 suicide attempts. I am in month 5 of the break up and I am still hurt badly hurt. I had been working out a lot, took a long road trip with a family, but my ex still somehow manages to crawl up in the back of my mind. I am seeing a psychologist. But I went off the anti-depressants because for the few weeks I was on, I changed medicines but all of them had the same effect on me. They made me much more suicidal. She left me for my close friend after we had a huge and nasty argument. I said a lot of mean and hurtful things to her. I never had so much anger come out. And so I blamed myself entirely. And I feel I deserved it. I should have controlled my temper. NC had been really hard but I kept it....I had no choice. Her and her new boyfriend (my ex-best friend) had threatened to call the cops on me. She hates me, and finds me disgusting. I am trying my best to just forgive and move on, and I have a great support network of friends and family. I have way to much time on my hands and not enough ways to occupy them. For the past 2 summers I spent all day and night with her. We worked together, and after that spent all nights at the beach together.
Author RuinedLife Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) Thank you for that video. It made me feel a lot better today You're handling your situation a lot better than I handled mine. My ex, and people in my college see me as nothing more than a psycho that no girl would ever want to come near because of my 4 suicide attempts. I am in month 5 of the break up and I am still hurt badly hurt. I had been working out a lot, took a long road trip with a family, but my ex still somehow manages to crawl up in the back of my mind. I am seeing a psychologist. But I went off the anti-depressants because for the few weeks I was on, I changed medicines but all of them had the same effect on me. They made me much more suicidal. She left me for my close friend after we had a huge and nasty argument. I said a lot of mean and hurtful things to her. I never had so much anger come out. And so I blamed myself entirely. And I feel I deserved it. I should have controlled my temper. NC had been really hard but I kept it....I had no choice. Her and her new boyfriend (my ex-best friend) had threatened to call the cops on me. She hates me, and finds me disgusting. I am trying my best to just forgive and move on, and I have a great support network of friends and family. I have way to much time on my hands and not enough ways to occupy them. For the past 2 summers I spent all day and night with her. We worked together, and after that spent all nights at the beach together. Sorry to hear you've been so depressed ShatteredDreams. But glad you are getting the help you need and have family to help you through it. I'm lucky to have close family to help me too. I've got to be honest though, I'm really not handling my break up well in any real shape or form. Like you I've struggled with suicidal thoughts, although luckily I haven't acted on any and I've always been fortunate enough to have family nearby who I can talk to about anything and crisis lines to ring. Many people try and tell me that either I was right to do what I did that caused my break up, that it couldn't have been avoided due to my high levels of anxiety at the time or that me and my ex would have split up sooner or later anyway. But the problem is no matter how many people tell me I'm not to blame, or at least not entirely to blame, no matter how much I tell myself that everyone makes mistakes and that I did what I felt I needed to at the time, I just can't accept that and forgive myself. I can say the words to myself but they just seem hollow and empty. And I grab onto any tiny scrap of evidence I can find that supports my warped view of the world where it seems there is some slim chance that my ex bf still loves me and might give me another chance, and cling on to these scraps for dear life! So scared I am to face reality, that I use false hopes as a shield to protect me from the consequences of my past actions. I would give almost anything to take back what I said to my ex. Because as much as I try to believe otherwise, it seems to me that if I had never shown him how bad my anxiety was and I had never said the things I did then we would still be together now I have frequent nightmares and flashbacks about the break up and frequently wake up in a panic or break down into despair when I realize the damage Ive done to myself and the hurt I must have caused my ex bf whom I love so dearly and whom has very likely long since moved on. Edited July 12, 2011 by RuinedLife
Author RuinedLife Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Sorry guys, know I'm double posting, but I'm having a really bad morning. Just keep having all these flashbacks to my break up and really deep regrets about what I did to cause the split. I know there is nothing anyone can do to help much, so this is just another rant I suppose Will put some bunnies in here to try and cheer myself up a bit.. :bunny::bunny::bunny:
Mack05 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Ruined.... Here is HomeBrew's latest post. Print it out. Read it first thing in the morning, last thing at night and anytime inbetween you feel weak.. -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287040/
Author RuinedLife Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Keep having panic attacks, flashbacks to my break up and horrible moments of complete dread when I realize what I've done, how I pushed my ex away from me. I know I need to forgive myself, but I just can't do it, not in practice. And I can't stop thinking about my ex either, even though all the books I read make it clear I need to fade out the memories of me and my ex and get a new perspective I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm going to lose support here because I keep restating the same things, but I only do it because I'm so desperate for some relief from this immense heartache and coming here typing about it and reading others stories and comments makes me feel not quite so alone. I just wish my ex still loved me half as much as I loved him. Because right now it feels like I will never stop loving him and I'll be haunted with my regrets forever. I really hope I get some better therapy and a healthier outlook soon because otherwise I fear I'll be having another mental breakdown. And I really don't want to do that again.
Author RuinedLife Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Oh I hate this.. Just had such vivid dreams about my ex yet again (I do nearly every night) and woke up in a panic. I just want it all to end. I'm starting to wonder how much more of this I can take before I really snap.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Keep having panic attacks, flashbacks to my break up and horrible moments of complete dread when I realize what I've done, how I pushed my ex away from me. I know I need to forgive myself, but I just can't do it, not in practice. And I can't stop thinking about my ex either, even though all the books I read make it clear I need to fade out the memories of me and my ex and get a new perspective I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm going to lose support here because I keep restating the same things, but I only do it because I'm so desperate for some relief from this immense heartache and coming here typing about it and reading others stories and comments makes me feel not quite so alone. I just wish my ex still loved me half as much as I loved him. Because right now it feels like I will never stop loving him and I'll be haunted with my regrets forever. I really hope I get some better therapy and a healthier outlook soon because otherwise I fear I'll be having another mental breakdown. And I really don't want to do that again. I used to have all the same problems (Panic Attacks, Depression, Anxiety, Sleeplessness). Most of this has been happening for the past 15 years. I'm finally on a medication that helps me deal with these issues. I don't know if you're seeing a psychiatrist or counselor, but If you are I would suggest you talking to them about getting on some sort of medication or perhaps switching your medication or the upping the dose if it isn't effective. Perhaps you may need some sort of benzodiazepine like alprazolam (xanax), Clonazepam (Klonopin), Lorazepam, Diazepam (Valium) and so on to control your anxiety and panic attacks. They will also help you sleep. Otherwise you can try a sleeping medication such as Ambien, etc. Many Anti-depressants tend to not work very well on their own, but the better ones out there now are Venlafaxine (Effexor) and Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq) which are Serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), rather than your typical anti-depressants which are Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Prozac, Zoloft, etc and rarely do much of anything if they do anything at all. There's also norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitors (NDRIs) such as Wellbutrin and so on. Sometimes when you combine certain types of ADs with others (Such as SNRIs with NDRIs), you may get much better results. If you're more into herbal remedies, you can try a Valerian Root or Phenibut as a benzo replacement and/or St John's Wart as a anti-depressant replacement. I've gone through depression and anxiety issues for quite a while myself and I've definintely done quite a bit of research as you can tell Talk to your doctor if you're having major problems. Get a second opinion if your doctor won't change your meds. Many times one doctor gets hung up on certain drugs and won't prescribe others. It's sad but it happens. That's when you need to go elsewhere, because they're probably getting paid by the drug companies to prescribe certain meds over others. WHy do you think they write on notepads using pens with drugs names printed on them. Not to mention all the drug posters everywhere, haha.
Author RuinedLife Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Well I'm on diazepam, pregabalin and trazodone. Diazepam for anxiety attacts, pregabalin for general anxiety and trazodone as an anti-depressant and to help me sleep. And they do help a little I think, but you're right maybe I need higher doses or slightly different meds to help me through this. My doctor tends to think I just need to work through my emotions myself now though I think. I don't know whats wrong with me, but I know that there aren't any pills you can take to erase heartache completely. I'm just struggling a lot now, as the realization of this break up and the fact that my ex doesn't seem to want me in his life anymore really hits me. There aren't the words to describe how much that hurts when he was my best friend, my only real friend, the only guy I've ever really connected with. And also knowing that I caused the break up with my insecurity and pushed him away from me. Its all just so painful. And distractions and things help for awhile, but the pain always comes back and hits hard, especially when I realize another day or another week has gone by and he hasn't contacted me, even though he keeps telling me that he wants to talk to me.
Mack05 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ruined, you may never acknowledge my posts or me again after the harshness of this reply, but if that is the case then so be it. I am going to tell me you a little bit of my story. I hope it makes some sense to you... Up until I was 30 I had a great life (I am 36 now). Travelled all over the world. I am well educated with a good career. Great family and friends. I never gave my parents a moments worry. I knew how to enjoy myself, but always within the law. In a group, I am the guy cracking the jokes. The guy people came to for advice. The person people in my family turned too. After 30, I got myself into a mess (I have posted my story numerous times so need to repeat it). Instead of facing trouble for the first time in my life, I pretended it wasn't there. Basically I buried it. Avoided dealing with my emotions and feelings. I ended up getting into more and more trouble. I should have gotten an oscar for my acting, because I was one person to the outside world and a very different person on my own. Eventually cracks began to appear and the people closest to me sensed something was wrong. I kept reassuring them that I was fine. It took some erractic behaviour in a toxic relationship to finally confront my problems. Bare with me, I am going somewhere with this. Losing my relationship and going to Therapy made me realise just how pathetic I had been for the last few years. I would even use the word 'loser', a coward. I hated the guy I saw in the mirror. Self esteem, whatever was left evaporated when my ex left me the way she did. Therapy was great, but without the support of my family I would not be where I am today. I leant on them and they were there for me. It was very hard for my mother especially. Where was the son that was strong in character, with good morals and principals gone? The guy that knew how to live and enjoy life. I confessed the mistakes, I made with my ex (and the mistakes I made before her) and the shock/disappointment on her face, when she realised I had broken a promise to her...That alone will make sure, I never make those mistakes again.. I rang my mother everyday for about 2 months. Saying the same stuff over and over again. The same stories, the same guilt, the same putting myself down. She was patient and listened. She would advise me, try pick me up. I was pathetic, like you are now. Making the same excuses for myself. I would tell her I will get up and go to the gym in the morning and when the morning came I would be too tired, even though I had 9 hours sleep!!This routine went on for 2 months until one day I could sense the frustration in my mothers voice. I told her to let me have it. My mother who never curses said.."When are you going to start fu*&** helping yourself!How much longer are you going to tell the same stories!?Make the same fc*&** excuses!!!!". She rang later and apologised crying. She was on holiday with my father and it was mothers day. I told her..."Mam that was exactly what I needed to hear".....Forget about me, my mother is a great mother and I was letting her down, causing her all kinds of stress. In my own selfishness, I had forgotten how much all this had effected her and the rest of my family The following morning was a Monday. I had my usual 9 hours sleep. I was exhausted on the bed as the alarm for the gym went off. This morning was different though. I told myself.."GET THE FC%! UP Mack"..I went. The gym work was not good but I was there. I went that evening and I have been going ever since, mostly twice a day. During this time anytime my came into my ex head, I focused on myself. I made a concious decision that the obsessing was over. Instead, I kept focusing on ways to improve myself. I went back over previous mistakes, I made in my life. A very uncomfortable but necessary process. I came to terms with it and forgave myself eventually. I stopped viewing myself as pathetic and as a loser and I will NEVER use those words to describe myself again. So what are the points I am trying to make with the above story??. My own mother, who is the closest thing to a saint on this earth got frustrated with me saying the same things over and over again, so who do you think people that spend time giving you advice feel? I'm sorry Ruined I REALLY want to help you. I want to help you so much, I will a promise to you in front of the whole forum. If you really and I mean really want to beat this, I will fly wherever you live, meet up, spend 3-4 days with you and try come up with a plan to help you get your health/life back. To bring you out on a meetup.com and make new friends for you. I'm sure I can think of 3 or 4 more things to try bring you out of this slump. What I won't do anymore, is reply with the same things over and over to the EXACT same posts you keep posting. It pointless. You say posting here helps you, but you are kidding yourself. Posting here is just an excuse to delay getting yourself out of this hole.. If you don't want to help yourself, do you not want to help yourself for the sake of your family? There is a great quote from the movie the Shawshank Redemption and it is sooooo true. "Get busy living or get busy dieing". Your breathing, but you are not living. It is a complete and utter waste of life and we only get one shot at it. I know because, I wasted 4 years of mine. Never again. If you continue on this path, you will end up in a mental health hospital. I am not even exaggerating. I hope and I will pray for you tonight that you prove me wrong, but sadly all I expect to see are more of the same posts, you going further and further into the abyss and there will eventually come a time where not even you can help yourself...Please Please Please prove me wrong Ruined... Edited July 13, 2011 by Mack05
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