jchips Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Help! My guy & I were living together for a year and a half & were engaged. We're compatible in every way & it was the best relationship either of us ever had. I love this man like I have never loved anybody in my life. Then I found out he'd been lying to me about his porn use for months. He has a serious porn addiction & was even been lying to his sponsor & his SAA 12-step groups. I freaked out more about the lying than the porn, tho' the porn part hurt a lot too because he had been getting a little distant in the bedroom lately. The day after I found out & we had talked about it, I freaked about the lying & broke off the engagement & told him he had to move out. We were both devastated. It took him a month to find a place and during that time I started to have doubts about my decision. I thought that if we got into couple's counseling and individual therapy, plus SAA & CoSAA for me, we could work it out. When I brought up my doubts and thoughts about getting back on track, his answer was he wanted out. Period. End of conversation. He's been gone a month & a half. About once a week I get an email from him with a question about an old bill or something pretty lame that he could easily answer himself. I mean, some of his emails were long, long detailed things! For about a week in there we were emailing back & forth every day about what we were doing & left a few phone messages with each other. He was even overnighting software to me to help me out with tech problems. But then, all of a sudden the communication just went dead. It seemed like he really missed me and every now & then he'd say something that makes me think he's realizing what a mistake it was to break-up. But neither one of us will come out & say it because neither one wants to get hurt again. Maybe he just can't give up the porn even tho' it cost him his first marriage & now this relationship. And all these emails about everything EXCEPT our relationship is very confusing. Guys, does it sound like he's missing me & rethinking things or am I just imagining it? Do you think there's any chance to get back together? If there's any chance, what can I do to help make it happen? Please, help!!!
wilsonx Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 When you end a relationship, it really hurts us. I mean it really hurts us. We have no clue wtf is going on. You can't be like a month later, lets get back together because the damage is done and it's really hard for us to get back to the emotional state of mind that you women need us to be in. I never recovered from when my ex broke up with me the first time, 3 weeks later, she wanted to get back and I was not the same person as before the breakup. Not at all. I can tell you right now from the games my ex is playing that she knows she made a mistake. Everytime she drops me a breadcrumb I shake it off and laugh now. There's no way any guy that she knows or dates can compare to the gentleman I was to her before she broke up with me the first time. This is why communication is so important in a relationship. You might be better off with out him as he has a porn addiction (I watch porn) not so much anymore but I did, and he lies about it.
Author jchips Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Thank you, wilsonx for your response. I really appreciate you pointing out how much breaking up hurts to everyone, yes, even guys. It's so obviously true, and yet I think a lot of women, just like me, miss this because sometimes our men project a very different persona. I think in general, the men in my life often act as thought they are so strong, resilient, and not as emotional, that I assume that they don't hurt the way I do. And that is a misconception that is so injurious to everyone involved. My ex had what he called a "hero" need. He wanted to be my hero. And he loved to save the day, it really made him feel powerful, competent, and needed. So it's a little confusing when the guy who wants to be strong and powerful also has a gentle, tender heart, which he is reticent to show. But of course he has a heart that can be hurt, he's a human being first, not a super hero. When you say you were not the same person at all after your break up, what changed for you? Was it that you didn't trust any more? Do you feel as though you can heal from this or that it will make you wiser next time? Do you think you can ever forgive your ex for mistakes she made or were they too hurtful to even go there? As far as my ex's porn problem, it's like the difference between a social drinker and a raging alcoholic. I won't go into a lot of details but suffice it to say, he loves me & finds me outrageously attractive and hot, but he has little sexual energy left for me because he spends it all on porn. He doesn't want to do this to me, to us, but he can't stop. I've seen him struggle with this and he truly cannot stop. It's a genuine addiction. I get it. It's the lying about it that hurts me more than I can tell you. I'm not his enemy. I'm on his side! I'm not his Mom. I'm his lover and his best friend and I dig him so much that I'm willing to deal with the addiction and my part in it at CoSAA and still spend the rest of my life with him. But what communication can there be when one party is just making up all kinds of crazy lies to cover up where they've been and what they're up to and why they haven't wanted to have sex a few weeks? God, it just destroys the trust. I begin to wonder where the lies stop. What else is he BSing me about? It just puts everything into a very suspicious light. Being lied to hurts, too. It's damaging, too. I'm not trying to put it all on him because I certainly reacted harshly and hastily. But it usually takes two to make it work and two for it to come unglued. And I gotta tell you, calling up everybody who was invited to the wedding, including my parents, calling the caterer, florist, photographer, etc, etc and saying the wedding was off hurt so much. I know it's just my ego, but it was like telling everyone that he didn't love me after all. I know that's not the truth, but it felt that way. But his addiction is only a part of who he is. He's intelligent, kind, caring, giving, interesting, fun-loving, gorgeous (at least to me he is), sensitive, usually an awesome communicator, always discovering new things to explore and get into. He's just a wonderful man. I gave up on the whole man because of one part. But if there isn't trust, if there isn't honesty, I don't see how it can work. Still, I'm trying to read the tea leaves to find out where he's at. Thanks again, wilsonx.
Author jchips Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Thank you, wilsonx for your response. I really appreciate you pointing out how much breaking up hurts to everyone, yes, even guys. It's so obviously true, and yet I think a lot of women, just like me, miss this because sometimes our men project a very different persona. I think in general, the men in my life often act as thought they are so strong, resilient, and not as emotional, that I assume that they don't hurt the way I do. And that is a misconception that is so injurious to everyone involved. My ex had what he called a "hero" need. He wanted to be my hero. And he loved to save the day, it really made him feel powerful, competent, and needed. So it's a little confusing when the guy who wants to be strong and powerful also has a gentle, tender heart, which he is reticent to show. But of course he has a heart that can be hurt, he's a human being first, not a super hero. When you say you were not the same person at all after your break up, what changed for you? Was it that you didn't trust any more? Do you feel as though you can heal from this or that it will make you wiser next time? Do you think you can ever forgive your ex for mistakes she made or were they too hurtful to even go there? As far as my ex's porn problem, it's like the difference between a social drinker and a raging alcoholic. I won't go into a lot of details but suffice it to say, he loves me & finds me outrageously attractive and hot, but he has little sexual energy left for me because he spends it all on porn. He doesn't want to do this to me, to us, but he can't stop. I've seen him struggle with this and he truly cannot stop. It's a genuine addiction. I get it. It's the lying about it that hurts me more than I can tell you. I'm not his enemy. I'm on his side! I'm not his Mom. I'm his lover and his best friend and I dig him so much that I'm willing to deal with the addiction and my part in it at CoSAA and still spend the rest of my life with him. But what communication can there be when one party is just making up all kinds of crazy lies to cover up where they've been and what they're up to and why they haven't wanted to have sex a few weeks? God, it just destroys the trust. I begin to wonder where the lies stop. What else is he BSing me about? It just puts everything into a very suspicious light. Being lied to hurts, too. It's damaging, too. I'm not trying to put it all on him because I certainly reacted harshly and hastily. But it usually takes two to make it work and two for it to come unglued. And I gotta tell you, calling up everybody who was invited to the wedding, including my parents, calling the caterer, florist, photographer, etc, etc and saying the wedding was off hurt so much. I know it's just my ego, but it was like telling everyone that he didn't love me after all. I know that's not the truth, but it felt that way. But his addiction is only a part of who he is. He's intelligent, kind, caring, giving, interesting, fun-loving, gorgeous (at least to me he is), sensitive, usually an awesome communicator, always discovering new things to explore and get into. He's just a wonderful man. I gave up on the whole man because of one part. But if there isn't trust, if there isn't honesty, I don't see how it can work. Still, I'm trying to read the tea leaves to find out where he's at. Thanks again, wilsonx.
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