debtman Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Sorry for the long post...just need to vent... Last week, after our kids had left with my stbx’s family for a week with their cousins in another state, I went over to drop off some stuff at my stbx’s house and she came out and told me that she was concerned about the “cleanliness” of my house and it was only because she was concerned for the kids safety and they had “mentioned” the clutter in the house. I know they would never mention anything unless she specifically asked them and she’s been over to the house several times to see, first-hand, what’s going on and there are CERTAINLY no safety issues. Now, I had moved back into the house in mid-March and the house was trashed when W moved out. Completely trashed. Piles of toys, dirt, trash, etc. everywhere where she had just packed stuff up as fast as she could with OM and left to her new rental home. I spent the next 2 months moving my stuff in, packing her stuff up and leaving it on the porch for her to come get and cleaning and organizing. She left 90% of the kids toys, but took their dressers and clothes, except for a few outfits she left. I’m going through things when I have time, but, between work, freelance work (to keep up with child support), time with the kids, coaching kids sports and actually having my own life, time is fairly short and, having an immaculate house isn’t my primary concern. After I moved back in, I admit, I have plastic bins of my stuff in my living room, but there are certainly NO health issues or fire hazards and I was completely angered that she would even consider that I would EVER do anything to put our kids in danger. I assured her that there was no danger to the kids and I was completely focused on their safety. Something she had NEVER questioned when we were married. She had also told me that she was concerned about me putting up the little 4’ pool that we’ve had up for the past 2 summers because she wasn’t sure I was always going to be out there with the kids. Also something she had NEVER questioned when we were married. I was furious with her, but didn’t react. I was noticeably upset, but told her I was as focused on the kids as she was and I left as OM was pulling in. She called about 15 minutes later and apologized, said she had crossed the line and had no right to address that with me. I told her she had the right to ask me about anything if she felt the kids were in danger, but I will take offense if she thinks that they aren’t my primary concern. I wanted to mention the fact that I wasn’t the one who had broken up our family or messed up our kids “normal” life. I wasn’t the one cheating. I wasn’t the one who was being selfish and jumped into another relationship within WEEKS of telling my spouse of 7 years that everything was over. Friday night, I flew down to see her family for a day and to fly back with the kids today. We had a GREAT time. The kids were marvelous on the flight and we had NO problems at all and two people actually complimented me on what great kids they were and how well they travelled. Her family kept trying to convince me to move down to where they are (as has my stbx) but there’s no way I’m going down there, I’ve got too many friends, amazing neighbors, a good (not great) job & family up here and I’m not moving just because she hasn’t made any friend up here in the past 10 years and, somehow, OM isn’t worth staying in the area for…not to mention the fact that we’re in an amazing school district and our kids LOVE the area, their friends, their school, etc. So, I go to drop off the kids and she comes out (because OM is at her house and I won’t go in while he’s there) and, after the kids go inside, she tells me that she wasn’t trying to be mean to me and would NEVER try to do anything to make me mad and was only concerned with the kids and I need to think about that any time she tells me something instead of getting upset about it. Now, she’s got a mean streak a mile long and her sisters have told me about it since the day I met them and she’s ALWAYS doing things just to push my buttons and control my life…at least, she used to. I was angry and pulled out of her driveway with a hasty “good-bye.” Then, I get a call (a voice mail because I don’t answer her calls anymore) later telling me that she thinks that maybe we need to go to counseling so that we can get along better with each other because it’s “affecting the kids” to see us getting upset with each other. She wasn’t willing to entertain the idea of counseling for the sake of our marriage, but wants me to go to counseling so the kids don’t have to see us getting upset with each other when she questions my concern for their safety…after I flew down to stay with HER family and fly back, alone, with the kids because she “didn’t have time to” but she had time to hang out with OM the ENTIRE time the kids were gone… She gets me so frustrated because she is SO blind to her hypocrisy. She told me that she wants me to consider moving down to where her family is because she has “no one” up her and has no friends. I have incredible friends and family up here who have gone SO FAR above and beyond in every way during this incredibly difficult time and she thinks I will leave that because she has a hard time making friends?!?!?! And, apparently, OM isn’t worth staying for, but he’s worth breaking up our family for?!?! I’m so furious and, I’ve been pretty good at dealing with this pretty level-headed for the sake of the kids…and I will continue to do so, but I need to vent because she’s REALLY trying to push my buttons and, some of the time, she’s succeeding… So, I’m not even sure how to address her counseling request…unbelievable. But, I’ll see her tomorrow night at my daughter’s soccer game (which I’m coaching) and will have to say something about it because I know she will ask. So many things I would LIKE to say, but I will, most likely, just tell her that we should just address our concerns about the kids and talk about ONLY things that relate to the kids…that’s what I would like to do, but, she keeps inviting me over for dinner or lunch because “the kids would like it” and I just keep telling her it will only confuse them, PLUS I would really never have anything to do with her cheating, lying, self-righteous, hypocritical self ever again…but, we have kids, so I’ll have to see/talk with her every day for the next 12-14 years for their sake…and they are worth it… She and her family want me to think about moving to another state where the kids don’t know anyone (except her family) just because she hasn’t made any friends here in 10 years (not my fault, I have made LOTS of friends and continue to) and they haven’t even considered the fact that, if I did move down there, I would spend time hanging around with them, and the kids AND HER!!! Which is the LAST thing I want to do. At least up here, the kids come over to my house (which they grew up in) and know all the neighbors (and love them) and see my family every week (who they love) and their cousins (who they love) and, when I don’t have the kids, I have an incredible group of friends and family in the area that I can be with.. I wasn’t the one that decided our family wasn’t worth working on. I wasn’t the one who decided that I would be happier with someone else. I have never questioned my wife’s concern for our kids, even after she took them away from me, brought in a new guy within weeks (who is STILL married with his own family that he left) and confused them completely and screwed up their lives. I know she loves our kids, even if she is acting completely selfish… Anyway, just need to focus and center myself again… Unbelievable… Really!?!?
robf1971 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 she’s REALLY trying to push my buttons and, some of the time, she’s succeeding… So, I’m not even sure how to address her counseling request…unbelievable. But, I’ll see her tomorrow night at my daughter’s soccer Just ignore it... As you say it's just to push your buttons and possibly to seek more external validation for what she's done to make her feel less guilty for what she did to you.
Author debtman Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 You're right Rob, although, she's not going to let me ignore it. She called this morning and left a nasty message asking me to stop ignoring her calls and to stop treating her so badly. She then said "how would you feel if I treated you the way you treated me, or if my family was treating me the way your family is treating me?" I wanted to call her right back or email her and say "How do you think you would feel if I had dumped our marriage and family and immediately taken up with another woman and brought her right into the kids lives? How do you think your family would have treated me after that? How do you think YOU would have treated me? I'm no longer reporting to you anymore...remember? YOU LEFT OUR RELATIONSHIP and dumped the marriage..." But, I didn't. I replied saying I was slammed at work with a big deadline (true) and we could discuss counseling. I have to remember to be VERY calm and, above all, not let her see when she pushes my buttons, even though she knows what they are...I have to remind myself that I no longer have any responsibility towards her besides our kids and that she no longer has ANY control over me, including over my emotional reactions...
Author debtman Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 So, she just sent me this HUGE email that must have taken her a good hour to write. It was all about how rude it is that I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls, how she's been trying so hard since "we" broke up to get along with me, how I'll never be happy as long as she's with someone else, how she didn't replace me with OM, how she never deceived me about her relationship with him, how she should have ended the marriage sooner, how I didn't do my fair share of housework, how she was always second to everything else in my life, how hard she worked to lose weight and be attractive for me, how she didn't think I ever really liked her much, how it's not fair that she has to keep living here just because my family & friends are here, how she has to find out from other people that I'm looking at other jobs and am dating, how I'm not a responsible parent, how I wasn't open to reconciliation, etc....BUT how she really still loves me and always will... I SO want to reply to her email to set her straight on SO many things that she has completely re-written, but I know I should just let it go. She finished off by saying that she doesn't want to TALK about counseling, she wants to GO to counseling...jeez, sort of like I did when she started dating OM and told me the M was over... SOOO frustrating, when I shouldn't let her be frustrating me anymore... It will be good to see her at soccer tonight when we will both be focused on the kids and won't really have a chance to address any of this. She tells me one day how she NEVER wants to be mean or angry and then she sends this huge mean and angry email... insanity...
Owl Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 This is simple. Send her a short, concise reply letting her know that she is your STBXW. Not your friend, and not your wife. There's no need for counseling, because the ONLY interaction the two of you will have in the future will be entirely around ensuring that your kids are well taken care of...and absolutely nothing more, whatsoever. And let her know that there's nothing at all left to discuss, except taking care of your children. Polite, simple, short, and blunt.
Author debtman Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Good advice Owl. I know she will come back saying that she doesn't feel she can even talk to me about the kids without me getting mad because I got upset the other day when she told me that she was concerned about the "clutter" at my house she said it was because she was concerned for the kids safety and health. Even though she called me 15 minutes later apologizing and telling me she had "crossed the line" by addressing that with me. I suppose you're right, I should just send a short reply and let it go at that. She's not worth the time or effort to worry about anymore. It will really make her upset that I'm "ignoring" all her points, but, I think it will get the BEST point across...that we're NOT "married" anymore and are only responsible to each other as far as the kids are concerned... Just SOO tempting to set her straight...
reboot Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Owl is right. Someday, maybe soon, you're going to have a life again with someone else. You do NOT want this woman in the middle of that life. Make sure you're taking care of your kids, and that's all you need to worry about as far as she is concerned. She'll make you miserable for a long time to come if you let her.
jaymz Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Your STBXW sounds a lot like mine in many ways so I am NOT looking forward to these confrontations - they will be coming up soon as she is out of the house tomorrow and in with scumbag. I think you are doing really well and an inspiration for many on this board and lurkers. Doing NC is very hard, especially when you want to explain how much this is their fault, they are selfish, immature, cruel, etc. Truth is they are like that because that is who they are, we just never saw it before. When i first broke up I tried to explain things to my STBXW and she just told me that i treat her like a child where scumbag doesnt, at that point the penny dropped and the good advice I've been getting on this thread, mine and many others is that NC is essential tool. Its hard bro. I know how hard it is. But keep up the good work.
Author debtman Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Cripes man this woman is a COMPLETE NUTBAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have a tonne more patience than I do, because I know I'd tell her to SHOVE it. Then again I have anger management issues.... Thanks, WN. If it weren't for the kids and my interest in maintaining a civil relationship with her for their sake, I would have done this MONTHS ago. why are you going to see her family? I am sure you got along well with them and all, but really they are nothing to you now. I do get along with her family and they told me how much they missed me and how "odd" OM is, but, I only went down there because they were up last week and they drove our kids back down to spend some time with their cousins. They had asked my stbx if she would be willing to fly down and fly back with the kids, but she said she was too busy (which I doubt since she spent the weekend with OM), so, I offered to go down because I knew it would be less stressful for the kids to fly with me because she just doesn't travel very well. If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have gone down, of course, her family paid for everything. Her family used the opportunity to really push for me to consider moving down there, but, it was too hot for the kids to play outside the whole time we were there, I don't have any job, housing, friends, etc. down there and, why would I move down there so she can be close to her family which would result in me spending more time hanging out with her?!? Just because she hasn't made any friends or established any ties here in the past 10 years isn't my problem...and, what about OM? Isn't he worth sticking around for? Guess not...unless he's willing to move away from his W and kids...
Chi townD Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 So, she just sent me this HUGE email that must have taken her a good hour to write. It was all about how rude it is that I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls, how she's been trying so hard since "we" broke up to get along with me, how I'll never be happy as long as she's with someone else, how she didn't replace me with OM, how she never deceived me about her relationship with him, how she should have ended the marriage sooner, how I didn't do my fair share of housework, how she was always second to everything else in my life, how hard she worked to lose weight and be attractive for me, how she didn't think I ever really liked her much, how it's not fair that she has to keep living here just because my family & friends are here, how she has to find out from other people that I'm looking at other jobs and am dating, how I'm not a responsible parent, how I wasn't open to reconciliation, etc....BUT how she really still loves me and always will... I SO want to reply to her email to set her straight on SO many things that she has completely re-written, but I know I should just let it go. She finished off by saying that she doesn't want to TALK about counseling, she wants to GO to counseling...jeez, sort of like I did when she started dating OM and told me the M was over... SOOO frustrating, when I shouldn't let her be frustrating me anymore... It will be good to see her at soccer tonight when we will both be focused on the kids and won't really have a chance to address any of this. She tells me one day how she NEVER wants to be mean or angry and then she sends this huge mean and angry email... insanity... How you ignore her calls and YOU'RE the rude one? Tell her to pack sand! How the OM isn't your replacement? Okay then get a court order barring him to be around your kids until the divorce is finalized as this is a very confusing time for them. How she worked hard to lose the weight to be attractive to YOU? Yeah, I can't see where YOU are reaping the benefits there... She has to find out from other people that you are looking for another job and possibly dating? And how is this any of her business? She left you for the douche rocket... And how YOU'LL never be happy as long as SHE's with someone else? She's really flattering herself huh? Limit your contact as much as possible dude, you're doing the right thing.
updown Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 believe me when i say that you trying to set her straight will do nothing but fuel the fire and the fight. you will not be able to set her straight. her reality is the ONLY one she will see as truth. that's it. all i can say is i'm sorry. this part of the journey royally sucks! it's not easy at all. be the better person. take the high road. regarding the move. base it more on your kids than anything else. if you want to maintain that close relationship with them ( which it really does sound like they need with you) consider it! you don't have to see her. you don't have to be friends with her. but, if her moving meant your relationship with your kids would suffer, think about it....... from ONLY that perspective. don't waste time and energy trying to figure out HER rationalizations of ANYTHING!!! you never will. you simply cannot rationalize IRRATIONAL people!!! you can't! hugs! you're in my thoughts!
Yasuandio Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Look closely at the dynamics at work here, Debtman, it is very interesting. The first is something she so, so DESIRES, that is like, SO NOT gonna happen (you don't have to rationalize it a half dozen times). The kids are not being uprooted. Not gonna happen. She knows, and she hates it. So, how can she even up the score? One way is to make you look like a bad Guy to the kids and the world at large (i.e., "Can you believe the man will not even sit down and have a meal with his own family?" Dude, that makes you sound terrible!). Next, the very best way to mess you up is to make you look bad to a Governmental Agency or a Court, where you could be anonomously reported. I know that sounds a bit extreme, but so does "putting your children in danger." If I were you, I would take any tip like that extremely seriously. Hire an organizer and a cleaning person to come make a system of order ASAP. Just eat beans and effing do it. She is also setting you up with the counciling thing. I haven't figured out the reason why yet, but I do have a strategy: I would express the identical concern for family counciling, but on an alternate topic. For instance, the sessions might focus on the children's coping mechanisms with the atypical, and likely temporary relationship they will encounter with this man with whom she's committed adultry. Also, how might these unusual curcumstances effect the future relationships of the children, not to mention the moral compass aspect of this hog's mess. Is it normal to substitute Daddy with a different man? Why? What about that man's kids? Is it OK for Mommys to have sleepovers with other Daddys? I think she's right. There is a lot of material that could be covered in therapy with the kids, but little has any to do with you. If you are not technically divorced yet, I'd watch your back. I think she is making some Fredian threats (Same principle as the "slip" - except, she's so angry at your're responses, or lack there of, she doesn't even realize how bad she's showing her hand. Yanked your chain, didn't it?). It doesnt matter what you wrote in mediation. Stuff changes (like your messy house that tramatized one of the children from her point of view). Wakey, wakey. You rejected her. She's not a happy camper. Edited July 12, 2011 by Yasuandio
2.50 a gallon Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 debtman Ex's go nuts once they figure out that you have moved on in life, especially so, when they realize that you are seeing other women. You might be in for a long haul. Mine kept it up for almost 4 years. Yasuandio might be on to something with the family counciling. While she is pointing her fingers at you, from what I have read, she by far is the worse violater by bringing the OM into your children's lives so quickly, no doubt it is causing them much emotional distress Please consider finding away to force her to not bring the OM into their presence, I do know that in many areas of the country, the courts can so order her Hopefullly you are documenting all of this, and if you don't have a Voice Activated Recorder get one so that you can back up what you document. She is after something, cover your a$$
Author debtman Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Yas & 2.50, I think you're right. I think the only reason she wants to go to counseling is so that she can talk with me about moving. She sent another email yesterday saying that I'm obviously not concerned with the kids well being if I'm not willing to go to counseling with her. I saw her last night at the soccer game and she was completely annoyed and staring daggers at me the whole time. I just focused on the kids, smiled a lot and enjoyed the time with them. I sent a short email this morning saying that I'm open to anything that will improve our communication for the kids sake and am willing to go to counseling, although, I can't afford to pay for it right now. We still haven't signed the separation agreement that we worked out in mediation for financial reasons, but, as soon as I can make some extra $, I'm going to push for that. I spoke with my lawyer and he said I NEED to get that signed and submitted. He also assured me that she can't move the kids without my permission unless she can prove serious financial improvement because of the move, which she can't since her business is all done online. 2.50, I could get a legal order to keep OM away from the kids, but that would cause serious animosity, which I want to avoid. Plus, the kids seem to like him and he is nice to them, so I'm alright with that...for now. I cancelled my plans for this weekend and I don't have the kids, so I'm going to focus on getting the house completely organized and unpacked, which I need to do anyway. She has sent LOTS of nasty emails, all of which I'm printing out, along with keeping electronically, so I have lots of documentation as far as that goes and I'm keeping a journal of dates/times I have the kids, things we do, things I do to help her out, etc. If she did force the move, and somehow legally was able to get the courts to allow it, I would certainly move to be close to the kids. They are my primary concern and I will do anything to be near them. But, since I have a job, a house, family (who help BOTH of us by watching the kids at least one day a week) and a ton of friends, as well as the kids having lots of friends, family and a GREAT school district, I can't imagine the courts would agree to her moving just so she can be close to her mom and sister. Thanks for the advice and the warnings...
worldgonewrong Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 As always, debtman, reading your threads is a calming reminder of how to do this stuff RIGHT when you're going through a blizzard of insanity. thank you.
Yasuandio Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Don't ever complain about not being able to afford something. It sounds lame, and plays into her court (or Court). Don't write crap like that either. Few words as possible. Let her spill her guts all over the place. That last long email you descibed to us she totally cut her throat. (I mean, really, Find a new lay cause you didn't help out on housework, right.). Obviously, she picks up half the tab. Just assume that. At check out write out a check for half, and leave her standing there like an idiot. Rely on the theripst advice on where the focus of councilling should center (duh).
Author debtman Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 wgw & WN, thanks. It's ALWAYS more tempting to react and reply, but, I know that will only make things more difficult. I only learned that from living with her for 8 years and knowing that she will NEVER admit she's wrong during an argument/rant and the only way to deal with it is to let her get some perspective and give her some time. She enjoys the fight and I can tell it only upsets her more when I don't give her that. Good advice Yas. I only say it to remind her that she's taking me for every dime of child support that she can, even though she knows our 4 and 6-year old don't cost nearly that much to raise. But, I always remind myself that if she weren't around, I'd be paying someone else to take care of them while I work and it would probably cost me more and they certainly benefit from being with her instead being in day care. Anyway, she called last night and said that she had spent some time talking with her mother who "opened her eyes" to some of the stuff that was going on in my life (the stuff I had strategically told her family about while I was down there last weekend) and then she spent 10 minutes apologizing for treating me the way she did, for being so angry and mean and for over-reacting. She thanked me for going down there over the weekend when I obviously had lots of other things I needed to be doing and for "all the other stuff" that I do. Unbelievable... I just thanked her for the apology and told her that we just need to stay focused on the kids and on doing what is best for them and remember that they are the top priority for both of us... We'll see how long the good will lasts this time. Hopefully long enough for me to be able to afford to get the agreement signed and submitted.
Forever Learning Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I would recommend contact only via emails and text and keeping it very short and only about the kids. Considering the loose cannon emotional nature of your STBXwife, I think the kids would benefit from counseling, so they have an outlet for their feelings and guidance and care from a professoinal in the midst of this upheaval. good luck.
Author debtman Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Well, since the "apology," things have been very "friendly" and nice. It would put me right back on eggshells if we were still living together and if I really cared or not. The only reason I care is because I want her to be happy being here so she doesn't try to fight me to move out of state. Had my daughter's soccer game last night and my dad came down to watch and sat with my stbx, my son and my daughter (when she wasn't playing). I was coaching, but it was nice to look over and see my dad and stbx talking. He's always really liked her (although he does know that she's crazy and can't believe she left me) and hopefully she will see that my family hasn't "completely abandoned" her like she keeps telling me. I spent ALL weekend cleaning, organizing, unpacking and getting everything in order in the house. It's fabulous. I finally feel "moved in" and things are where I want them...and she can't complain to me anymore about the house being a mess. I packed up many more boxes of her stuff (including all of our photo albums...which we will "share" custody of, but she wants them for now) and am taking that to her today. I'm also dropping off some pickles and jam that I canned over the weekend as a nice gesture. She called me on Friday to tell me that we got a $500 tax refund and what should we do with it. I said we should split it evenly and she agreed. When I stopped over to get the kids she asked me if I could keep it to help alleviate some of her "guilt" that she feels every month when I give her the child support check and she knows that I'm struggling to keep up financially right now because I'm committed to staying on my debt plan (debt free in 10 more months after 3 years of busting my a$$ and being $40k in debt). I thanked her, but said it wasn't fair, but I would think about it. I called my mom on the way home and she said "KEEP IT!" so I did. If it EVER comes up, I will write her a check on the spot for $250 without a word because that's exactly the sort of thing she would do and I've been good about keeping things even, but the cash would really help me keep up with some bills right now...so... Anyway, she had a bunch of area friends over to her house this weekend, the kids had a great time and OM got to meet a few more of my/our friends. Have the kids overnight 3 nights this week, she's got them this weekend (I'll be at a bachelor party one day and kayaking the other day) and next week, I'm taking them for 5 days to Cape Cod with my family which is going to be fantastic. Life is good...
Tech_E Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 You still amaze me debtman, I am in awe. I HAVE to meet you some day to buy you a beer. You are one hell of a father and you'll be repaid many times over for how you are handling yourself. 1
Author debtman Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Tech_E Thanks, I appreciate that... Just trying to stay focused on what really matters...sometimes it's hard to remember that, but I keep my kids pictures all over the place to help with that. And I'll always take anyone up on the beer.
Yasuandio Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) take that tax money and start a college fund at the BANK for the kids. Don't pocket any of it. If she asks for it back withdraw it from that fund. It's a set up. I know, maybe you think I'm over-reacting. Let me put it in context for you: Past Claim: The condition of Debtman's home is putting the children is danger. Possible Future Claim (give or take): Debtman pocketed the entire tax refund and didn't give his family one red cent. He is a very selfish man. The kids need this and that. Maybe he is probably overspending again. This is exactly the type of conduct that destoyed the trust in our marriage. Mr. Debtman, at the very least, might have directed half the funds towards his children's needs (see what a bumb you could look like? See how easy this can be twisted? Even if you give the money back six months from now, she could still make a similar claim and then say she begged u for the money cause the kids needed something). Lesson: Don't eff around with government checks. Edited July 19, 2011 by Yasuandio
Author debtman Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Good point and good advice Yas, thanks. Had a "fire" come up at work yesterday and had to work late, so I called to ask if she could keep the kids since it was supposed to be my night with them and she was fine with that and very nice about it. She sent me an email shortly before I left work asking when I could take the kids so she could make up the 8 hours of work time she missed. Not that she would have worked for 8 hours after I was supposed to pick up the kids at 4pm, but I wrote her back and told her what my weekend plans were and when I was available to take the kids. I told her I might go kayaking with a friend on Sunday, but, if not, I could watch the kids that day. I got home, went over and had a martini with my neighbors and, when I went back home an hour later, there were 2 angry messages on my cell and an angry email about me putting my "play plans" as a higher priority than her deadlines and how could I do that after she helped me out, etc. So, I called her back and explained that I did not mean that, was glad to help out with the kids however I needed to so that she could meet her deadlines. She apologized over and over, told me she mis-interpreted the email and then she went on to tell me about how she'll never be able to forgive herself for breaking up our family, how she almost broke down the other day when our son asked her if she missed me, etc. I just told her that she doesn't need to feel guilty about the decisions she made because she had her reasons at the time and we can't live in the past. I explained that "it is what it is" and we will all be fine as long as we can stay focused on what's best for the kids...
updown Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 i saw a sign today for sale, it was " it is what it is." and that is just so true. people ask me all the time HOW i do what i do, and HOW i handle all of this with such grace and a forgiving heart. and my response is, " it is what it is." i can either choose to complain, b*tch and moan. or i can let it go and get on with my life as best as i possibly can. since i do not like complaining, nor do i deal with complainers well, i choose the latter. i'd rather suck it, put on my big girl panties and make the best of things than complain about them. so, yeah, in my world " it is what it is!!" just keep moving forward. you are the bigger person, doing the better job at dealing and adjusting. keep that up!!! :-)
ver13 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have been following your tread for a minute now and I have to say that you are truly one of the Guru"s of perspective. I have been with my W for 20+yrs and not to long ago she decided that she needed to do her own thing an I let her. The only thing that truly mattered at all was my kids an I put them first. In the end she made a decided to work on what we have instead of what she thought she wanted and it worked out for the best. I did the samething that you have done and I saw the light just as your EX will have to see for herself. Time waits for no one and life goes on whether you want it to or not. All that matters in the end is the relationships that you have that are important to you and how you interact with the people in them. We all have free will to choose, but at the end of the day we have to deal with the effects of our choices alone.
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