never a dull moment.

[shinethru]

I'm not sure why I'm even posting. I'm not seeking answers. I already know how someone would reply. Maybe I just need to vent.

 

I'm having an emotional affair with my boss. He is married, and has been for a couple of decades. They have several kids. I always said I wouldn't do this, but here I am.. completely doing it. I think I'm justifying it because we haven't had physical contact exceeding a simple hug. I don't know how long that will last though.

 

So, here's the story. You know that overwhelming animalistic attraction that can sometimes be felt automatically upon meeting someone? That happened in a monumental way, and I have recently found out that the feeling was mutual. We began texting as friends, but soon the texts took a flirtatious turn. I was very clear that I was strictly about a physical relationship. Never once did I mention any emotional feelings. I wanted a casual thing. It took an unexpected turn, and he started expressing his overwhelming feelings towards me. I tried to surpress the emotional feelings, but now they are completely out in the open. We said we were going to keep it strictly friendly. He doesn't want to betray his wife and kids. Unfortunately, we're not being very successful. I have no clue what I am doing. All I know is that I've never had this strong of a pull toward soemone, and he's made me realize that I am bored with my current boyfriend. This is quite an awful predicament, but he's not leaving the company and neither am I. On an added note, he is 15 years older than I am. I've never been married or had kids. I completely accept that this will probably never materialize, but it doesn't stop me from wishing.

 

Am I completely masochistic?

[whichwayisup]

Yes you are. Atleast you know right now he has no plans on leaving his wife and family.

 

Either accept your role as the OW and enjoy it while it lasts and when it does end, deal with it and don't go blaming him. Accept and own your choices..you seem to know what's what here and know that the potiential of getting your heart broken is going to happen down the road at some point in time.

 

Only thing I can say is, while you're with this MM you could miss a wonderful opportunity to meet a single guy whom you could fall for and start your own family.. You might regret choosing this path, look back and wish that you never allowed yourself to have an affair with a MM. Imagine 2-5 years from now, still spending holidays, birthdays, other celebrations alone without him and he's living life with his wife and kids. Imagine having an accident and him not be at your side...Or him being in the hospital and you can't be there for him, by his side, can't visit him...I know that's morbid to think about it, but it could happen. Is stolen moments with worth it at the end of day? You go to bed alone. He is with his wife in their bed.

 

Just think about your choices a bit, take some time to reflect.

[shinethru]

Awesome reply! I think I needed to hear that. I had not thought of the little things like that. Thank you!

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

Your boyfriend.. Time to end it with him, reguardless of what happens with the MM. He needs to grieve and move on so he can find love with someone else.. To hang onto him, keep him as a safety net, or whatever other reason why you're still with him, isn't fair to him at all. Especially since you say you're bored with your bf.

 

I hope others reply and give you some more to think about.

[fooled once]

Yes you are. Atleast you know right now he has no plans on leaving his wife and family.

 

Either accept your role as the OW and enjoy it while it lasts and when it does end, deal with it and don't go blaming him. Accept and own your choices..you seem to know what's what here and know that the potiential of getting your heart broken is going to happen down the road at some point in time.

 

Only thing I can say is, while you're with this MM you could miss a wonderful opportunity to meet a single guy whom you could fall for and start your own family.. You might regret choosing this path, look back and wish that you never allowed yourself to have an affair with a MM. Imagine 2-5 years from now, still spending holidays, birthdays, other celebrations alone without him and he's living life with his wife and kids. Imagine having an accident and him not be at your side...Or him being in the hospital and you can't be there for him, by his side, can't visit him...I know that's morbid to think about it, but it could happen. Is stolen moments with worth it at the end of day? You go to bed alone. He is with his wife in their bed.

 

Just think about your choices a bit, take some time to reflect.

 

I agree with WWIU. Either embrace being the side secret; embrace not spending holidays with him, weekends with him, special days with him and know that your relationship is just a game to him or tell him to pound sand and report him to HR.

 

People at work WILL find out what is going on and you may have issues at work. People love to gossip and when his boss finds out; one of you will be dismissed, if not both of you. He can easily explain you away - the young girl who works for him has a crazy crush and I try to be kind to her, but she just won't stop.

 

You won't share special occassions with him. How do you feel when his wife calls the office of stops by? Do you have any sort of remorse for your behavior? Are you content with an email/text relationship? Why do you think so little of yourself that you will accept the terms of the affair? Why do you respect yourself so little that you don't want more? I am sure the attention he gives you is an ego boost, but really? Life is out there - waiting for you. Go grab it. Stop the inappropriate communication and focus on yourself. By continuing the affair, you short change yourself. You won't be having any kids in this affair, you will be alone outside of work and you will not be his 'main' focus. Why do that to yourself? Why make him a priority when you are only an option?

 

And why do you think it is appropriate to have a physical relationship with your married boss?

[phillyfan]

I'm not sure why I'm even posting. I'm not seeking answers. I already know how someone would reply. Maybe I just need to vent.

 

I'm having an emotional affair with my boss. He is married, and has been for a couple of decades. They have several kids. I always said I wouldn't do this, but here I am.. completely doing it. I think I'm justifying it because we haven't had physical contact exceeding a simple hug. I don't know how long that will last though.

 

So, here's the story. You know that overwhelming animalistic attraction that can sometimes be felt automatically upon meeting someone? That happened in a monumental way, and I have recently found out that the feeling was mutual. We began texting as friends, but soon the texts took a flirtatious turn. I was very clear that I was strictly about a physical relationship. Never once did I mention any emotional feelings. I wanted a casual thing. It took an unexpected turn, and he started expressing his overwhelming feelings towards me. I tried to surpress the emotional feelings, but now they are completely out in the open. We said we were going to keep it strictly friendly. He doesn't want to betray his wife and kids. Unfortunately, we're not being very successful. I have no clue what I am doing. All I know is that I've never had this strong of a pull toward soemone, and he's made me realize that I am bored with my current boyfriend. This is quite an awful predicament, but he's not leaving the company and neither am I. On an added note, he is 15 years older than I am. I've never been married or had kids. I completely accept that this will probably never materialize, but it doesn't stop me from wishing.

 

Am I completely masochistic?

 

Dude hes hangin in there til u sleep wit him, then hes gona pull back. It aint the first time eitha, if he is gona take such a big risk flirtin with a girl from work he must be used 2 coverin his tracks. U r settin urself up with a life of crap if u let this go further.

[26pointblue]

Wow be careful, my xMM was this exact same way. I had that overwhelming physical attraction/desire for him . . . he felt the same, we kissed, then he sat me down & said we have to stop because he's not leaving his family for me etc. I was rather offended - I mean, it was a kiss & I hadn't asked him, nor did I want him to, leave his family for me! [i was much younger than him, like you, & I have no kids etc.]

 

I told him that & agreed we should stop [mostly because I was incensed that he assumed I was some stalker chick] but that same day he kissed me again! It got hot & heavy from there & he was always the one who pressed things emotionally. He would tell me he was so into me but didn't want to hurt his family . . . yeah, when someone is showering you with attention & sweet words etc. you start to have feelings for them, so, I did & he seemed especially happy to hear me share them.

 

Eventually it got to where he said he did want to be with me & leave his family etc. . . . but he never did, in fact he was saying very different things to his wife all along & acting like two totally different people.

 

I think men who are particularly good at deception & manipulation do this. I'm not sure why . . . but I have some ideas. It eases their guilt/ lets them off the hook/ sets you up for low expectations if they tell you from the beginning they don't want to leave their families. Then they can get away with anything & tell themselves, & later you, 'well, I told you from the start I wasn't going to leave my family.'

 

Also, they have huge egos [& correspondingly low self-esteem] & they want you to want them, love them, be all ga ga over them, so they get you to do this by doing it to you first. It's all built on a fantasy/mirage. Also, I think that at least my xMM & maybe most MMs who do this, do have a part of them that wants to leave their families & start over -- an escapist side, that likes to indulge in the fantasy with OW & imagine what life could be like if they just upgraded to a new model/ new start . . . they see us as more fun & their wives as nagging . . . & so a big part of them does think about leaving/ fantacize about it even if in reality they never act on it. So they just lead us down a garden path & leave us there alone when reality hits. As someone else said, in the meantime we are wasting our very precious time being with them, falling for their sweettalk. Don't do it!! RUN AWAY. You may need a new job if you're not strong enough. If you are, tell him to knock it off, & if he doesn't, it's sexual harrassment. In fact this could get very ugly because the moment it ends you will be out looking for work in this economy, & he will be facing a retaliation sexual harrassment charge! So just stop this mess & think with your brain, not other less rational parts of you. That is totally my advice . . . good thing you came here, at least you can't say you weren't warned . . .

[MissBee]

Yup!

 

From what you've said, you've not made the leap into an affair. You certainly sound like a smart woman who had her shyte together.

 

What exactly do you wish for from a man who is 15 years your senior, married, with kids? Do you really want all that drama? Ca you not find the same things from a single, unattached man? Probably. If you proceed, it may be fun and exciting for a minute, but you may be singing the blues a few months, years from now..

 

What is the draw?

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

Once I heard animalistic attraction...I thought....no....there is probably not anything substantial here. It may be a hot and heavy response to your boredom that fizzles out rather soon or ends in disaster.

 

You've already said you don't think anything will materialize and I think your feelings are most likely spot on.

 

Decide whether or not you see a future with your bf, if not, move on. Work place affairs are fundamentally a bad idea IMO and it's very hard to manage that especially when it goes awry and you have to be professional and then also manage your emotions. It's already gone too far but I suggest you put an end to it now before things get weirder. I don't think the situation is worth your job and peace of mind for whatever pleasures you seem to be getting. He's not leaving his wife and kids, he's 15 years older, you both don't plan to leave your jobs....there is not much there to risk your peace of mind for. Cut it off...it will be hard but most likely you'll be thankful you did than to just succumb to instant gratification and end up worst off.

[KathyM]

I'm not sure why I'm even posting. I'm not seeking answers. I already know how someone would reply. Maybe I just need to vent.

 

I'm having an emotional affair with my boss. He is married, and has been for a couple of decades. They have several kids. I always said I wouldn't do this, but here I am.. completely doing it. I think I'm justifying it because we haven't had physical contact exceeding a simple hug. I don't know how long that will last though.

 

So, here's the story. You know that overwhelming animalistic attraction that can sometimes be felt automatically upon meeting someone? That happened in a monumental way, and I have recently found out that the feeling was mutual. We began texting as friends, but soon the texts took a flirtatious turn. I was very clear that I was strictly about a physical relationship. Never once did I mention any emotional feelings. I wanted a casual thing. It took an unexpected turn, and he started expressing his overwhelming feelings towards me. I tried to surpress the emotional feelings, but now they are completely out in the open. We said we were going to keep it strictly friendly. He doesn't want to betray his wife and kids. Unfortunately, we're not being very successful. I have no clue what I am doing. All I know is that I've never had this strong of a pull toward soemone, and he's made me realize that I am bored with my current boyfriend. This is quite an awful predicament, but he's not leaving the company and neither am I. On an added note, he is 15 years older than I am. I've never been married or had kids. I completely accept that this will probably never materialize, but it doesn't stop me from wishing.

 

Am I completely masochistic?

Don't go down that road. You'll regret it if you do. The guy is TAKEN. Hands off. Why waste your time with someone who is not available? Life is too short for that. If you're not satisfied with your current boyfriend, then dump him and find someone who is exciting and fun and available. Why settle for scraps?

[OldOnTheInside]

Agree with WWIU.

 

Either focus on repairing your relationship with your bf...or tell him that it's over.

 

Whether or not you are comfortable with playing mistress to your boss is another thing entirely. One thing though: mixing business with pleasure is usually a recipe for disaster. Especially married pleasure.

 

You know that overwhelming animalistic attraction that can sometimes be felt automatically upon meeting someone?

You're referring to that temporary one right?

 

Am I completely masochistic?

Hopefully not...

[so-wrong]

This is very much like my situation & I am now suffering the consequences. The age gap is very similar & my MM was also senior to me, though not in a work situation. He did the same emotional bonding & indeed this was much more important than the sex to him (though obviously he very much enjoyed that side also). It has taken me a long time but I now realise that these men want/need a boost to their egos & find it with a younger woman who adore him. Problem for me is that my feelings for him are still really intense (only ended a few days ago) & my marriage is in tatters. You will experience massive drama, intensity & love addiction but so much pain & hurt in addition.

 

Please heed the advice on here & avoid this toxic situation.

[shinethru]

Wow be careful, my xMM was this exact same way. I had that overwhelming physical attraction/desire for him . . . he felt the same, we kissed, then he sat me down & said we have to stop because he's not leaving his family for me etc. I was rather offended - I mean, it was a kiss & I hadn't asked him, nor did I want him to, leave his family for me! [i was much younger than him, like you, & I have no kids etc.]

 

I told him that & agreed we should stop [mostly because I was incensed that he assumed I was some stalker chick] but that same day he kissed me again! It got hot & heavy from there & he was always the one who pressed things emotionally. He would tell me he was so into me but didn't want to hurt his family . . . yeah, when someone is showering you with attention & sweet words etc. you start to have feelings for them, so, I did & he seemed especially happy to hear me share them.

 

Eventually it got to where he said he did want to be with me & leave his family etc. . . . but he never did, in fact he was saying very different things to his wife all along & acting like two totally different people.

 

I think men who are particularly good at deception & manipulation do this. I'm not sure why . . . but I have some ideas. It eases their guilt/ lets them off the hook/ sets you up for low expectations if they tell you from the beginning they don't want to leave their families. Then they can get away with anything & tell themselves, & later you, 'well, I told you from the start I wasn't going to leave my family.'

 

Also, they have huge egos [& correspondingly low self-esteem] & they want you to want them, love them, be all ga ga over them, so they get you to do this by doing it to you first. It's all built on a fantasy/mirage. Also, I think that at least my xMM & maybe most MMs who do this, do have a part of them that wants to leave their families & start over -- an escapist side, that likes to indulge in the fantasy with OW & imagine what life could be like if they just upgraded to a new model/ new start . . . they see us as more fun & their wives as nagging . . . & so a big part of them does think about leaving/ fantacize about it even if in reality they never act on it. So they just lead us down a garden path & leave us there alone when reality hits. As someone else said, in the meantime we are wasting our very precious time being with them, falling for their sweettalk. Don't do it!! RUN AWAY. You may need a new job if you're not strong enough. If you are, tell him to knock it off, & if he doesn't, it's sexual harrassment. In fact this could get very ugly because the moment it ends you will be out looking for work in this economy, & he will be facing a retaliation sexual harrassment charge! So just stop this mess & think with your brain, not other less rational parts of you. That is totally my advice . . . good thing you came here, at least you can't say you weren't warned . . .

 

awesome insight. we need to be friends. haha. you seem to give great advice.

[shinethru]

Thank you to everyone who posted on my situation. I have been away from work for over a week, so hopefully when I return I can start with a fresh slate. I'm going to do my best to push him away.