dirkgently Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Hi, brand new here and hoping for some help/advice/commiseration. The short story: for the last couple of years my wife and I have just been going through the motions, its been 14 years after all. About a year ago my wife and a mutual friend slowly began spending more time together and talking on the phone. by december others were pointing it out, mostly jokingly. For a few weeks in January and February they had an full affair. When i confronted her and asked her to stop her first reply was "I can't promise that". The affair stopped, we went to counselling, took a break from that while she decided what she wanted. I came within a day of telling her it was over when she decided she wanted to be with me, but she still wants him as a friend. The last couple of months have been the best and worst. In some ways we have been closer than ever and getting along and more intimate than we have in many years. However, I am still bothered by the fact she still talks to him. sometimes everyday, sometimes only once a week, but still regularly. I explained how hurt I was by this, her response was that a major reason for what happened was that she was lonely, she doesn't have many friends and does not want to lose one. (all the while saying that I was more important to her than he is - what I was feeling). I have tried to be understanding of her feelings and have not brought it up again, but I still feel hurt and still feel like she has made their friendship more important than our marriage or me. since we are actually getting along well and having some fun she does not want to go back to counselling (why fix it if it isn't broken - her words). in a way she is right, we are working on all the issues that lead up to the affair and are doing well with that, but have not touched all the issues that came up after (like it took her 2 months to decide she wanted to be with me - still hurts also) any body have any advise? any body gone through something similar? dirk
jnj express Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Stop letting her walk all over you----as part of any r---THERE HAS TO BE NC---WITH HER LOVER----you are allowing her to do as she pleases---- I think you need to read, all of the threads on all of the websites, and books, in all the libraries, about A's----you will find in all of them---the cheater does not stop cheating, until faced with very harsh consequences If you do not care enuff about yourself, and your esteem, and your family, to stop this farce of a mge., then you really should not complain Your wife is to go completely NC----and if she will not, she needs to be told she is facing D. D. not later, but now---she decides now----her mge., or her lover!!!!----that is where you are at like it or not---you HAVE to stop being mr. nice-guy, stop any lovey-dovey, and do not allow her to dictate to you, your future
freestyle Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 First off, OP ---slightly off-topic , but salutations to a fellow Douglas Adams fan----(that's gotta be where your username came from, right?) On-topic---your W if delusional if she expects you to be okay with her maintaining contact with the OM. There is NO going back to being "just friends" after an affair has happened. You can't unring that bell, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. There's nothing wrong with having friends outside of a marriage--but there are some boundaries you just don't cross. Ever. It's like asking you to relax with a venemous snake in the room. You can't. you will be watching its every move, even if it's just sitting there not moving at all---You know it's something toxic and harmful---so you will be afraid to take your eyes off it, even for a moment..... You can't progress with healing when you are being forced into that state of hyper-vigilance.Hyper-vigilance sucks up all of your energy, and leaves you drained. Eventually you'll start to resent the person who brought the snake into your room. How could you not? And after days, weeks ,months of not being able to relax---you're going to get closer and closer to the end of your rope as the resentment builds. Maybe if you explain it to your W, using the snake analogy, she'll understand. She's likely to blameshift, however, as her actions indicate to me that she's still pretty deep in the fog. She might even try to turn the tables by saying something like, "Well, if you can't trust me......" (notice how that statement makes YOU out to be the one with the problem??) You can respond by flat-out telling her. "No, I don't trust you now. You have to regain my trust, because you blew my trust." The onus is on her----don't allow her to make you out to be the "bad guy" She's the one who didn't play by the rules........ Ask her to write him a letter of no contact, and allow you to read it, and witness it being sent. Then----maybe---your marriage can be saved. best wishes.
PhoenixRise Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Dirk If your wife is still in contact with the OM then marriage counseling would just waste your money. For as long as your wife is in contact with the OM then everything you are doing to fix the marriage/heal your relationship is just wasted energy. She is happy right now. Why wouldn't she be. She has you loving her and being willing to wait patiently for her to decide she wants to be with you. And she has her OM probably also proclaiming his love and stroking her ego. She doesn't want to go to counseling because she is getting everything she wants and she is happy with the way things are going. Just to reiterate, your marriage HAS NOT improved and your wife has NOT committed to rebuilding your marriage if she is still in contact with OM. She is happy you are not. How long are you willing to put up with having your wife's affair partner in your life?
Bryanp Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Are you serious? Your wife is playing you for a big fool. If the roles were reversed and your told your wife that I want to remain friends and talk to my lover every day because she is my friend and I am lonely; do you honestly think she would accept this? Your wife is playing you for a fool and if you continue to accept this disrespect and humiliation then she is correct. By the way you both need to be tested for STD's. In addition, if her lover boy is married or has a girlfriend then you must expose this affair to them. Don't you see that currently there are still 3 people in your marriage: You, Your wife and Her lover. How can you not see this? She continues to totally disrespect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way, apparently there has been no consequences to her actions since she continues to stay in contact with her lover and you accept this. What is wrong with this picture?
robf1971 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 She is happy right now. Why wouldn't she be. She has you loving her and being willing to wait patiently for her to decide she wants to be with you. And she has her OM probably also proclaiming his love and stroking her ego. She doesn't want to go to counseling because she is getting everything she wants and she is happy with the way things are going. Just to reiterate, your marriage HAS NOT improved and your wife has NOT committed to rebuilding your marriage if she is still in contact with OM. She is happy you are not. How long are you willing to put up with having your wife's affair partner in your life? This times 10 million... You have simply become option number 2 for her. Correction, you are allowing her to make you option number 2. The status quo will never change unless you remove yourself as an option. DUMP YOUR WIFE...
reboot Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Just to chime in with the others, any continued contact with the AP is an absolute deal breaker.
bentnotbroken Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Dirk, do you realize you are having an affair with a woman who has a boyfriend? That's the path you are on. You aren't in a relationship with your wife, you are in a relationship with your wife and her boyfriend(no she shouldn't have one she is married). How does that sound to you? If you don't like the sound of it, change the dynamics. You hold the cards and you can take control of your life.
Author dirkgently Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 first to freestyle - absolute Douglas Adams fan, have read and re-read everything and am always fighting the temptation to replace words with words from Liff (meaning or or deeper meaning of). I want to thank everyone for their answers, they were what I expected and nothing I had not thought myself. I understand where everyone is coming from. Here is the problem: I think going in that direction would cause an immediate end to my marriage. I'm not religious and do not follow any sort of "sanctity of marriage" thinking, but I do not want my marriage to end. Isn't it possible the soft hand approach and a lot of hard work may actually save my marriage?
bentnotbroken Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 first to freestyle - absolute Douglas Adams fan, have read and re-read everything and am always fighting the temptation to replace words with words from Liff (meaning or or deeper meaning of). I want to thank everyone for their answers, they were what I expected and nothing I had not thought myself. I understand where everyone is coming from. Here is the problem: I think going in that direction would cause an immediate end to my marriage. I'm not religious and do not follow any sort of "sanctity of marriage" thinking, but I do not want my marriage to end. Isn't it possible the soft hand approach and a lot of hard work may actually save my marriage? One person can't save a marriage. If there are issues for either partner and the other can't or won't recognize that....there is no fixing, just prolonging. But you have to decide what you are willing to live with. A lot of married people are happy in open relationships. You are an informed BS. You know what she is doing...next move is yours. Just protect your health.
reboot Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I do not want my marriage to end. Your marriage is already over. Your choices are, a) get out of it b) start your marriage over c) continue being a cuckold. Choice b requires the OM to go away.
RobD70 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Here is the problem: I think going in that direction would cause an immediate end to my marriage. I'm not religious and do not follow any sort of "sanctity of marriage" thinking, but I do not want my marriage to end. Sometimes the best way to save a marriage is try to end it. You being accommodating to her is enabling her affair. The ONLY way she will give up the AP and actually make an effort to fix herself and the marriage is if she feels like she will lose you forever. Isn't it possible the soft hand approach and a lot of hard work may actually save my marriage? Nope.
Bryanp Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 You are in big time denial. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. Why do you feel that you deserve to be humiliated, disrespected and have your health at risk for STD's in such a way. One more time: if you do not respect yourself then who will?
2long Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 The soft hand approach will end in one of 2 ways. 1) her affair escalates again (it's not over, not even dormant at the moment.) and either you or she "officially" ends the marriage by leaving or filing for divorce (I agree with the others who have said that your marriage ended when she started her affair). 2) you will have detached 2 protect yourself from further hurt, so successfully that you won't want 2 be part of this triangle anymore, and you'll leave and/or file for DV. Why live with that kind of uncertainty and distrust for years? For the rest of your life? -ol' 2long
Washburn Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 yeah you gotta go to her and tell her that its over if 1)she doesnt stop contacting the other dude and 2) if you two dont go back to counseling (sounds like you two should). She might try to make you think you are crazy or unreasonable for such demands but you gotta be a man and put your foot down here. Dont get irate over it, be sensible and civil while standing firm. If ur lose your cool shell just think u are being unreasonable. If it was me it woulda beeen splitsville already but if you wanna make this work...
stewie007 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 You should consult with an attorney, in fact consult with as many as you can so she can't and let her think everything is fine until you serve her with the papers. Check with your attorney to see what you can get away with legally as far as changing the locks, restraining orders, etc. Once she sees what a cruel SOB you can be there may be some hope for your reconciliation in your marriage but it has to come with you in the driver's seat. The problem here is that she doesn't respect you, not even a little.
linwood Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Here is the problem: I think going in that direction would cause an immediate end to my marriage. I'm not religious and do not follow any sort of "sanctity of marriage" thinking, but I do not want my marriage to end. My friend, you don`t have a marriage you won`t have a marriage until your wife regains an iota of respect for you. This won`t happen if you continue to be a doormat Isn't it possible the soft hand approach and a lot of hard work may actually save my marriage? I`ve never seen it happen. The best results I`ve ever seen ALWAYS result from a hard line of refusing to be disrespected by your spouse. If it ends your relationship you haven`t really lost much anyway.
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