sparkygirl91 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Well, here I am, can't believe it, still feeling like I did when I was 17 and lost the "love of my life". Does it ever change? I'm here to say it does not. Lost love is lost love, no matter the age, and hurts just as much at my age (58) as it did in my teens. My story started out as a bit of a "fairy tale" and since I believe in love ever after, it's even harder for me to accept that it's completely over. This is my story: The man I am still pained over is from high school. We admired one another from afar during high school and while we had a brief "fling" after, years passed, both got married, both lived our lives. He briefly popped in during the last 80's but we continued on our separate ways. Flash forward to June 2010. I joined our high school alumni association and when I became disinterested, I canceled. I was on the site, however, long enough for my long lost high school "crush" to find me and sent an e-mail. It was on from that point forward. I thought, what are the odds that you meet up with your high school crush after 40 years. He told me I was his "dream girl" back then, something I never wanted to be, told some our old friends to which one said, "well you finally got your dream girl". Yikes! Time went by, we got along, spent lots of time together, went on a cruise, met all his family (although I had met a few back in high school) - it was great. He loved me for who I was which, at times is pretty insecure, crazy, high maintenance. Had trust issues in the beginning but after several attempts on my part to sabotage the relationship out of fear, he still hung around. During the course, I broke it off with him quite a few times, never really able to pinpoint the problem for me. We got back together, things would go along, and then I'd break it off with him again. I'd always find some excuse to make contact (I admit it was manipulation) and we'd find ourselves back together again. Never in my life had this happened - break up, make up, break up, make up, and so on. And never had a man been willing to work with me regarding my issues which caused the break-ups. It is now over a month since our last break-up and N/C has been made by either one of us. I found yet another excuse recently, however, to make contact - he still had some stuff here and asked if he wanted it back to let me know. No response at all. It's sick, I know, but now I'm wondering why he's not responding, not even in a friendly way (and he wanted to be friends??) Our (supposed) year anniversary passed - no contact; my birthday passed - no contact; 4th of July - no contact. It's almost as if he's now deliberately ignoring me cause, to quote him, I 'tore his heart apart' all the other times we broke up. Being the age I am, and still feeling like that teenager makes me crazy; makes me wonder what is wrong with me.........really! I've been so depressed and a day hasn't passed that I don't think of him, no matter how hard I try. I cannot explain it. There are many signs that we're not right for one another but on the flip side, we ARE right for each other in other ways. I keep checking e-mail to see if he's responded, wondering if he's not responding cause he still loves me, wondering if he's not cause he's over it. I don't know. All I know is that I'm sitting at my computer on a Sunday afternoon writing all this down for folks to read. I've got to laugh now, although most of the time I cry. I've even jotted down that "pros & cons" list everyone suggests - doesn't help. I guess I just have to be sad until I'm no longer sad.
Exit Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Not to be rude but maybe this all feels the same as being a teenager because the dynamic of this relationship was pretty immature. Breaking up and making up is bound to get the results you're seeing now, the guy is fed up, and may very well have told you the truth when he said his heart was torn to pieces by all of this, and now he makes the choice not to respond. Put yourself in his shoes, he finally, after all this time, gets his dream girl, and he gets dumped and led in circles repeatedly? Hearing you yourself identify some of this behavior as manipulation and game playing is a sign that you know something is wrong. I would want to spend the time to figure out what was causing me to act that way before ever trying to convince this guy to come back. What were the causes behind breaking up each time? Has any of that stuff changed? Or will you just end up dumping him again for the same reasons? There is no "well we're wrong for each other, but we're right for each other". Either you two are good together or not. And it this point, it looks like it doesn't work. Breaking up with someone is not a way to teach them a lesson or change their behavior, when you secretly know that you're not really wanting to leave them. It's a very immature way to go about letting someone know that you are upset or unhappy. When something is wrong, you sit down and talk about it with the person that you love, dumping someone is not a tool for fixing problems. The guy isn't saying anything to you so you might as well just let it be. Take the time to figure out yourself, and give him the space. If you try to get him back so soon, he'll know it's just the same pattern repeating itself again. Make this time different. Give it time and space to cool off. Will that bring him back? Maybe, maybe not. But honestly, there would be no point in getting back together today or tomorrow or this week.
geegirl Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Why would you even think that this man would want to contact after what he's been through? You can't be surprised that he's now ignoring you. Did you think that you'd be able to hang the break up card over him forever and that he would always be available at your beck and call? That type of behavior deteriorates a person's self esteem. Plus he's probably so done because he's lost all sense of emotional security in you and in the R. You should not contact him. Let him grieve and heal. He deserves it. We want to find a partner or relationship that can give us the emotional security and stability that everyone deserves. Seeing that you identify what is wrong with you and why you behave the way you do, maybe this is the push you need to get some counseling or maybe use this time to really dig deep and find introspection. Otherwise you're just going to repeat your behaviors again, whether with this man or in your next relationship.
Author sparkygirl91 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks to anyone who provides input. It will all be digested. Thanks again.
dream2nite Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Well, here I am, can't believe it, still feeling like I did when I was 17 and lost the "love of my life". Does it ever change? I'm here to say it does not. Lost love is lost love, no matter the age, and hurts just as much at my age (58) as it did in my teens. My story started out as a bit of a "fairy tale" and since I believe in love ever after, it's even harder for me to accept that it's completely over. This is my story: The man I am still pained over is from high school. We admired one another from afar during high school and while we had a brief "fling" after, years passed, both got married, both lived our lives. He briefly popped in during the last 80's but we continued on our separate ways. Flash forward to June 2010. I joined our high school alumni association and when I became disinterested, I canceled. I was on the site, however, long enough for my long lost high school "crush" to find me and sent an e-mail. It was on from that point forward. I thought, what are the odds that you meet up with your high school crush after 40 years. He told me I was his "dream girl" back then, something I never wanted to be, told some our old friends to which one said, "well you finally got your dream girl". Yikes! Time went by, we got along, spent lots of time together, went on a cruise, met all his family (although I had met a few back in high school) - it was great. He loved me for who I was which, at times is pretty insecure, crazy, high maintenance. Had trust issues in the beginning but after several attempts on my part to sabotage the relationship out of fear, he still hung around. During the course, I broke it off with him quite a few times, never really able to pinpoint the problem for me. We got back together, things would go along, and then I'd break it off with him again. I'd always find some excuse to make contact (I admit it was manipulation) and we'd find ourselves back together again. Never in my life had this happened - break up, make up, break up, make up, and so on. And never had a man been willing to work with me regarding my issues which caused the break-ups. It is now over a month since our last break-up and N/C has been made by either one of us. I found yet another excuse recently, however, to make contact - he still had some stuff here and asked if he wanted it back to let me know. No response at all. It's sick, I know, but now I'm wondering why he's not responding, not even in a friendly way (and he wanted to be friends??) Our (supposed) year anniversary passed - no contact; my birthday passed - no contact; 4th of July - no contact. It's almost as if he's now deliberately ignoring me cause, to quote him, I 'tore his heart apart' all the other times we broke up. Being the age I am, and still feeling like that teenager makes me crazy; makes me wonder what is wrong with me.........really! I've been so depressed and a day hasn't passed that I don't think of him, no matter how hard I try. I cannot explain it. There are many signs that we're not right for one another but on the flip side, we ARE right for each other in other ways. I keep checking e-mail to see if he's responded, wondering if he's not responding cause he still loves me, wondering if he's not cause he's over it. I don't know. All I know is that I'm sitting at my computer on a Sunday afternoon writing all this down for folks to read. I've got to laugh now, although most of the time I cry. I've even jotted down that "pros & cons" list everyone suggests - doesn't help. I guess I just have to be sad until I'm no longer sad. OMG, this sounds so much like the situation I have created for myself and certainly not being a teenager anymore, that's for sure. I did the same exact thing, only there was another someone in my picture that actually married to end the madness and now wondering if I did the right thing? I'm feeling very lost without the one I know I truly loved with all my heart, only I really messed things up for myself this time. I keep looking for his messages (none) his phone calls (none) so I'm trying very hard to look deep into me and find out why I did the things I did because I think I've just lost the 'LOVE OF MY LIFE" for stupidity. Go figure???
Author sparkygirl91 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) I think I need to clarify a bit. Looking at myself is not a problem - I'm very good at it and can take responsibility for my part in every situation in my life. In this sitution, most definitely, I know what I'm doing, thinking, and feeling is absolutely wrong and self-destructive. There are two sides to every story though - a little about my side is he turned out to be a con, taking me for nearly $7000K, I paid for everything, and I mean everything, I stood by him when his mother died and paid for the out-state trip for her funeral, paid for his meds when he became ill, to name a few. In short, I did a lot for him, and willingly. Most people would call me stupid for giving up so much; that's who I am though - you need help, I give it. And, I think he saw an easy mark in me and I fell right in. We did have good times too but...............WHAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND is, even after knowing all this, WHY am I still wanting to connect? I know I could get sucked back in very, very easily and that wouldn't be good for either one of us. Yes, I understand clearly something is lacking in me - and it's embarrassing to say at this point in my life (just goes to show that early traumas affect us in one way or another forever) - but what the hell is my problem? Believe me, he's not grieving or mourning any loss, he's not looking at himself to figure out the role(s) he played in our demise, he's moving on & living in a reality all his own. Why can't I? I guess my point is a person can have a hold on you so strong, right or wrong, that it's almost impossible to break away, or at least not for a very long time. Every time I broke it off, I knew what the reason(s) were and knew it was best - I got sucked back every time cause he knew just which strings to pull. And that is my dilemma. He's got some kind of hold on me that I can't seem to break free from OR I choose NOT to break free from (yet) and I don't know what it is. Believe it or not though, this forum is helping - must of have been a reason I just feel upon it today - cause it is helping tremendously to get feedback from those who support me, or even those who may think I'm the evil one here. Either way, it gives me (more) pause to think. Just what these forums are for, right? To help others help us help ourselves. Edited July 11, 2011 by sparkygirl91
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