Hinder Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 So, short story! I'm a 30yr woman, married for almost 12 years, we have 4 children, separated from my husband last year. We still live together for financial & parenting reasons. We are best friends but I'm not in love with him, I'm in love with someone else, someone who is emotionally unavailable. Someone who won't leave his wife, even though he says he loves me. My ex wants to get back together. He knows I'm not in love with him but he still wants me. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy. But that's so unfair & I've told him I can't do that to him. Part of me says I should stop being selfish & hoping I'll find my dream guy & agree to get back with my ex, especially for the sake of my kids while they are so young. We would have a great life together. So do people & is it ok for people to stay in a marriage when they know they will never truly be happy? Does that make sense?
wilsonx Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Absolutely not. I do not think its fair to you. If you are not in love with him you are not in love with him. I fell out of love with my ex last year but somehow fell back in love with her because she was trying so hard. Our biggest problem was we could never get the love timings correct. She did cheat on me a couple times I realized now that Im out of her love spell but I don't think its fair for you. At the same time you need to move on from the guy thats feeding you the i love you but wont leave my wife bull****. He's just stringing you along. People jump marriages all the time if they truly love you
Exit Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 If you want to be fair to your husband, try to make a "middle of the road" decision here. Should you live your life with someone you don't love? No. But I would think it's unfair to try to make an unbiased decision about your ex when you already have feelings for someone else. I know it's hard to control that, but I really feel you should try to eliminate the 3rd party (hell he is unavailable anyway) and make your decision with a clear mind. Would leaving your ex for good sound as enticing if you were just picturing living as a single woman? Or does it just sound fun and exciting because you already have your eye on someone else? Don't make a decision based on already thinking you care about someone else. It sounds like you still care for your ex as a person, so much so that you would even consider trying to spend your life with him. But then that's too much of a compromise on your part. Meet somewhere in the middle: don't commit to spending your life with him, but don't make a decision to leave him while your judgment is clouded by your attraction to someone else. Don't care about him enough to spend your life there if you are unhappy, but care about him enough to make this decision with your full attention on him and not some married guy. That's just my 2 cents. If I were in your shoes, I would want to know that my decision was made for the right reasons. I would focus my attention on myself and my ex and include nothing else in the decision making process. And if I still found myself wanting to leave, then I would know. Perhaps you should also do some research into what leads people to be attracted to unavailable people, because it is certainly not a healthy thing.
SelfControl Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Listen, you need to suck it up and stay with your current husband. The first and foremost important thing here is for the kids to grow up with their mother and father, together. Think of their future. You need to be very careful in the decisions you make now, it will affect them later. I say that if you agree that the kids are the most important thing (after all isn't their happiness more important than yours?), and your husband is willing to try make things work, you need to stick it out with him, at least until the kids are out of the house. Also, you need to cut all communication with the married man. He is married and you are married, therefore, both of you are off limits. Again, think about what kind of message you are teaching your kids. You only think you're in love with the married man because he is a challenge right now and you can't have him. You need to teach your current husband how to be a challenge so he keeps your interest while you stay married. This will make sticking it out easier. You say in your post that you and your husband are separated, yet you call him your ex. Are you divorced? Please explain. Edited July 11, 2011 by SelfControl
Author Hinder Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Thanks everyone for your responses! Listen, you need to suck it up and stay with your current husband. The first and foremost important thing here is for the kids to grow up with their mother and father, together. Think of their future. You need to be very careful in the decisions you make now, it will affect them later. I say that if you agree that the kids are the most important thing (after all isn't their happiness more important than yours?), and your husband is willing to try make things work, you need to stick it out with him, at least until the kids are out of the house. Also, you need to cut all communication with the married man. He is married and you are married, therefore, both of you are off limits. Again, think about what kind of message you are teaching your kids. You only think you're in love with the married man because he is a challenge right now and you can't have him. You need to teach your current husband how to be a challenge so he keeps your interest while you stay married. This will make sticking it out easier. You say in your post that you and your husband are separated, yet you call him your ex. Are you divorced? Please explain. Sorry I should have explained! We are separated, but still legally married. We still live in the same house, but separately. He has his life and I have mine. We mainly decided to live this way because we have 4 young children. We want to both be available to them 24/7 and if one of us moved out that wouldn't be possible. We have a wonderful friendship, he's my best friend and I guess we are a little dependent on each other but I'm just not in love with him anymore! I fell in love with this other man after I was separated from my husband. There was no affair from my side. My ex knew about him when we first started seeing each other. I am no longer in contact with the MM, I cut contact. He still tries to contact me regularly but I just ignore him. It's incredibly hard though. Edited July 11, 2011 by Hinder
SelfControl Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 That's good that you're not in contact with the married man. You are doing the right thing. Now, if you are serious about staying with your still legally current husband you need to get him treat you right, so that until the kids are out of the house you two will be loving in front of them. And by treat you right, I don't mean shower you with I love yous, gifts, flowers, etc. I mean the other, more manly, way to treat you right. The say no to you every once in a while, take you out to dinner or a date (yes, a date) once a month, take you on a trip once every three months and don't talk about negatives and mush and have a light and fun time when you are together kind of way. Hopefully he is willing to do all this. If he is, then I think you have a good shot to have your kids grow up in a loving household. And, who knows, maybe you start looking at him like you used to.
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