I think I'm going to walk away...

[SnowandStars]

...but I want to make sure I'm not overreacting, because I'm not used to any of this since I haven't had a 'boyfriend' in four years.

 

I met a guy online and we started dating a little over three months ago. In the beginning it was very casual, but over time I started to develop feelings. About a month ago I expressed this to him and he assured me that he didn't consider this relationship to be completely casual and there was a possibility that it could become serious. I was okay with this because it was only two months in anyway.

 

However, more weeks passed and as my feelings grew, I felt like his were still stagnant.

 

A couple of weeks ago I brought the subject up again and he told me he considered me his girlfriend. He said I was the only girl his friends have ever met, etc... and that he really likes and cares for me. We spend a decent amount of his free time together and I feel like we've grown closer but I think I am more into him than he is into me. For example, he rarely ever calls/texts just to see how I'm doing. If he calls me, it is to invite me over or out to do something. Therefore, if we cannot see each other for 5 or so days, that is 5 or so days I will not hear from him. In the beginning, that was no big deal, but as my feelings have grown, so has my desire to hear from him more often. Because he doesn't seem to desire the same, I feel like his feelings just have not grown at the same pace.

 

So is three months too early to expect something a little more? He is in his early 30's so it isn't like I'm talking about a 19 year old who hasn't had much dating experience here. Part of me feels like breaking up with him would be overreacting, but I don't think I could go more months falling for him while wondering if he feels the same. Another part of me feels like I should just fall back for a while and let him miss me. If I do decide to walk away, how should I go about it? I'm just confused.

[vsmini]

I'm guessing you will get a lot of differing opinions about this since it's a situation that would be handled differently by almost everyone. I will say that in my past experience I did the same anxious waiting game that you are doing....and it never got better - I waited for a year and a half to see if his feelings would catch up with mine and all that I got was excuses and lots of frustration.

 

You gotta talk to him and let him know how you feel. If you are anything like I used to be - you'll be afraid as coming off as needy - don't worry about that because technically you are in need of something. And it's not irrational to want what you're asking for. A million guys and girls will tell you to "just calm down" but if you aren't happy in the relationship you have you have to either:

 

A. Communicate and give it another shot

B. Walk away

 

So I say - talk to him - figure out what you want from a relationship - if it's important to you that the guy you're with calls you to see how you're doing every once in awhile (valid) then you gotta find someone who will do that.....You also have to find out what he wants from a relationship and see if both of you are prepared to give each other what it is you want.

Edited July 10, 2011 by vsmini

[SnowandStars]

I'm guessing you will get a lot of differing opinions about this since it's a situation that would be handled differently by almost everyone. I will say that in my past experience I did the same anxious waiting game that you are doing....and it never got better - I waited for a year and a half to see if his feelings would catch up with mine and all that I got was excuses and lots of frustration.

 

You gotta talk to him and let him know how you feel. If you are anything like I used to be - you'll be afraid as coming off as needy - don't worry about that because technically you are in need of something. And it's not irrational to want what you're asking for. A million guys and girls will tell you to "just calm down" but if you aren't happy in the relationship you have you have to either:

 

A. Communicate and give it another shot

B. Walk away

 

So I say - talk to him - figure out what you want from a relationship....what he wants from a relationship and see if both of you are prepared to give each other what it is you want.

 

Great advice and you really nailed it, especially the bolded. I am afraid to bring it up again for exactly that reason. It is hard for me to walk away from a relationship where the only issue is that his feelings are lagging behind. Otherwise, he is pretty great. I'm just tired of waiting and not knowing. I'm just not into long-term, casual relationships.

[vsmini]

Great advice and you really nailed it, especially the bolded. I am afraid to bring it up again for exactly that reason. It is hard for me to walk away from a relationship where the only issue is that his feelings are lagging behind. Otherwise, he is pretty great. I'm just tired of waiting and not knowing. I'm just not into long-term, casual relationships.

 

And you shouldn't be if that's not what you want. I tip-toed through the tulips with a few guys because I was afraid of my needs scaring them off. But then I took a long hard look at my needs and realized that what I wanted wasn't illogical, silly self-serving things but actual needs.

Not to sound all Tony Robbins or anything but when I figured out what I wanted and I started to make that clear to myself and also made it clear to the guys I started dating - I started actually getting what I wanted. I wasn't being a game player or pussyfooting around. I defined what I wanted, I expressed what I wanted and now I'm in a relationship with a guy that gives it to me.

[Tasha49]

I am in almost the exact situation. The problem is... here we are almost a year and a half later. No actual commitment to a relationship. Most everything is great and I feel amazing when I am around him but... over time you will start to get really hurt while waiting for him to get his **** together.

 

Since it is not anything official or exclusive, I assure you that you will be wondering where he is and who he is with. If not, hats off to you. Because with no mutually agreed-upon commitment... insecurities are rather very much bound to come out. I hope this guy you're seeing isn't like "mine." Because the guy I am with has slept with other people (secretively so he thought). And technically it is not cheating since there is no title. And that is NOT okay.

 

You are completely rational in wanting to hear from him more. You are entitled to that and don't think it is being too needy. I think it is very disrespectful if you're investing your own time into him and not being able to have him invest the same.

 

I think there is something wrong with me when I have been unhappy with where things stand with him and I. He keeps making excuses as to why he is not ready for a serious title. We are exactly like a couple but he just won't man up and grow some balls to make me happy. As long as he is happy... why change the circumstance of the situation? Yeah... no. Not okay. I have been hoping and wishing every morning when I wake up, that this will be the day, the day he is finally ready. I have been hoping on that for a very long time now. The only reason I am still hanging on is because my feelings have gone through the roof for him in all of this. I think about giving up and want to curl into a ball and cry. It is not healthy. He doesn't want anyone who knows him to know about "us." So I can't show any affection around anyone but ourselves.

 

I really hope your situation will not end up like mine. But from what I see mine is going nowhere and part of me felt it from the start but love makes you ignore the rational. Reality becomes clouded and you make up your own silly reality you think will unfold.

 

If you are not happy and he is not spending enough time on you then I really hope you're smarter than me and get out while you can. Like you said, my guy is amazing and we have such a great, perfect time when we're together--but at what point is it going to be okay for them to be happy and not us?

[Tasha49]

It sounds rather difficult but sometimes walking away when things are going rather well... it is more likely for them to miss you. The "You never know what you have til it's gone" line is no joke. I think maybe you should try this. Just tell him you want more and you're really not happy with where your relationship is going.

 

I walked away twice. He came chasing after me not long after beggig me to be patient because he misses me and loves me. But I plan to walk away for good without getting sucked back in because of his begging and the whole "Two more weeks, just give me two more weeks," crap. He has said that for quite a while now.

 

I would wait a few more weeks to a month and see if things pick up. If they do not get more serious and to the point where you're happy... I would suggest walking away. Because once you're too far in, you're going to drown.

 

If he is serious about you, he will chase you. Good luck!!

[Star Gazer]

You haven't shared your need for more communication between dates. I'd do that first, and see how well he responds, before considering pulling the plug. He's not a mind reader, and very well may be just as concerned about coming across "the wrong way."

[SnowandStars]

And you shouldn't be if that's not what you want. I tip-toed through the tulips with a few guys because I was afraid of my needs scaring them off. But then I took a long hard look at my needs and realized that what I wanted wasn't illogical, silly self-serving things but actual needs.

Not to sound all Tony Robbins or anything but when I figured out what I wanted and I started to make that clear to myself and also made it clear to the guys I started dating - I started actually getting what I wanted. I wasn't being a game player or pussyfooting around. I defined what I wanted, I expressed what I wanted and now I'm in a relationship with a guy that gives it to me.

 

More great advice! I wish I knew how to meet guys. I think part of me is sticking it out because he's probably the best catch I'll get here. He is so intelligent and educated (Ph.D student). I'm very attracted to that. This is very hard to find where I live. I guess if I'm considering walking away, it won't hurt to initiate "the talk." If it scares him away, so what? It is not like I'm getting everything I want out of it anyway.

[SnowandStars]

I am in almost the exact situation. The problem is... here we are almost a year and a half later. No actual commitment to a relationship. Most everything is great and I feel amazing when I am around him but... over time you will start to get really hurt while waiting for him to get his **** together.

 

Since it is not anything official or exclusive, I assure you that you will be wondering where he is and who he is with. If not, hats off to you. Because with no mutually agreed-upon commitment... insecurities are rather very much bound to come out. I hope this guy you're seeing isn't like "mine." Because the guy I am with has slept with other people (secretively so he thought). And technically it is not cheating since there is no title. And that is NOT okay.

 

You are completely rational in wanting to hear from him more. You are entitled to that and don't think it is being too needy. I think it is very disrespectful if you're investing your own time into him and not being able to have him invest the same.

 

I think there is something wrong with me when I have been unhappy with where things stand with him and I. He keeps making excuses as to why he is not ready for a serious title. We are exactly like a couple but he just won't man up and grow some balls to make me happy. As long as he is happy... why change the circumstance of the situation? Yeah... no. Not okay. I have been hoping and wishing every morning when I wake up, that this will be the day, the day he is finally ready. I have been hoping on that for a very long time now. The only reason I am still hanging on is because my feelings have gone through the roof for him in all of this. I think about giving up and want to curl into a ball and cry. It is not healthy. He doesn't want anyone who knows him to know about "us." So I can't show any affection around anyone but ourselves.

 

I really hope your situation will not end up like mine. But from what I see mine is going nowhere and part of me felt it from the start but love makes you ignore the rational. Reality becomes clouded and you make up your own silly reality you think will unfold.

 

If you are not happy and he is not spending enough time on you then I really hope you're smarter than me and get out while you can. Like you said, my guy is amazing and we have such a great, perfect time when we're together--but at what point is it going to be okay for them to be happy and not us?

 

The bolded is exactly how I feel at times. I'm afraid that it will turn into a situation where I keep giving it another month and it is just not happening. I know some people like to take things slowly, but from what I've observed with the engaged and married men I know personally, they knew fairly early that "the one" was "the one" and from that point on it was about getting to know more about her. There are people who will say three months is just not enough time, but I'm not asking for love, I'm asking for progression. I'm sure there exists a girl out there that he would fall for fairly quickly but it just isn't me. I've gone forever doubting my gut feeling only for it to be proven right each time. My gut it telling me that he isn't into me the way I'm into him. I hope you can find the strength to walk away as well.

[SnowandStars]

It sounds rather difficult but sometimes walking away when things are going rather well... it is more likely for them to miss you. The "You never know what you have til it's gone" line is no joke. I think maybe you should try this. Just tell him you want more and you're really not happy with where your relationship is going.

 

I walked away twice. He came chasing after me not long after beggig me to be patient because he misses me and loves me. But I plan to walk away for good without getting sucked back in because of his begging and the whole "Two more weeks, just give me two more weeks," crap. He has said that for quite a while now.

 

I would wait a few more weeks to a month and see if things pick up. If they do not get more serious and to the point where you're happy... I would suggest walking away. Because once you're too far in, you're going to drown.

 

If he is serious about you, he will chase you. Good luck!!

 

This is why I go back and forth between walking away and just falling back for a while and letting him chase. At least with the latter, I will not feel like I took a drastic measure prematurely.

[SnowandStars]

You haven't shared your need for more communication between dates. I'd do that first, and see how well he responds, before considering pulling the plug. He's not a mind reader, and very well may be just as concerned about coming across "the wrong way."

 

You know, it's not just the lack of communication between dates, it's a certain vibe I get. As for the communication, I don't want to feel like he's only contacting me because he feels obligated. The desire to communicate more with someone you like is natural as feelings grow. In the beginning, we only talked to set up dates. As my feelings grew, I would text/call him more, and he'd text back immediately and whatever, but he would rarely initiate. I feel like he's just lukewarm about me.

[KathyM]

...but I want to make sure I'm not overreacting, because I'm not used to any of this since I haven't had a 'boyfriend' in four years.

 

I met a guy online and we started dating a little over three months ago. In the beginning it was very casual, but over time I started to develop feelings. About a month ago I expressed this to him and he assured me that he didn't consider this relationship to be completely casual and there was a possibility that it could become serious. I was okay with this because it was only two months in anyway.

 

However, more weeks passed and as my feelings grew, I felt like his were still stagnant.

 

A couple of weeks ago I brought the subject up again and he told me he considered me his girlfriend. He said I was the only girl his friends have ever met, etc... and that he really likes and cares for me. We spend a decent amount of his free time together and I feel like we've grown closer but I think I am more into him than he is into me. For example, he rarely ever calls/texts just to see how I'm doing. If he calls me, it is to invite me over or out to do something. Therefore, if we cannot see each other for 5 or so days, that is 5 or so days I will not hear from him. In the beginning, that was no big deal, but as my feelings have grown, so has my desire to hear from him more often. Because he doesn't seem to desire the same, I feel like his feelings just have not grown at the same pace.

 

So is three months too early to expect something a little more? He is in his early 30's so it isn't like I'm talking about a 19 year old who hasn't had much dating experience here. Part of me feels like breaking up with him would be overreacting, but I don't think I could go more months falling for him while wondering if he feels the same. Another part of me feels like I should just fall back for a while and let him miss me. If I do decide to walk away, how should I go about it? I'm just confused.

Some men are just not that communicative. Some are just more independent and don't feel it is necessary to keep in continuous touch with someone. My husband was the same way when we were dating. Made me wonder if he was seeing someone else at the same time, but now I know it's just his normal independent nature. Some men, on the other hand, keep in constant contact, some even go to the extreme with continuous texts, phone calls, Emails, etc. Sounds like you have someone who likes you, but is more of an independent type. I would suggest telling him that you would really like to talk to him more often because you miss him when you don't hear from him for long stretches. And also start calling him at times and initiating the conversation yourself.

[SnowandStars]

Some men are just not that communicative. Some are just more independent and don't feel it is necessary to keep in continuous touch with someone. My husband was the same way when we were dating. Made me wonder if he was seeing someone else at the same time, but now I know it's just his normal independent nature. Some men, on the other hand, keep in constant contact, some even go to the extreme with continuous texts, phone calls, Emails, etc. Sounds like you have someone who likes you, but is more of an independent type. I would suggest telling him that you would really like to talk to him more often because you miss him when you don't hear from him for long stretches. And also start calling him at times and initiating the conversation yourself.

 

I am always initiating calls and texts. It's not just about the lack of communication between times when we see one another. It is a gut feeling. I cannot place my finger on it but I'm just not feeling it from him. I'm falling for him and he's in the same place. I certainly do not expect daily contact, but at this point, if you cannot see me for the next four days, it would be nice to get a call or text asking how I am, what I did that day, etc... I really like him and it almost feels like torture having no contact until we see each other again. Sigh.

[Eddie Edirol]

You haven't shared your need for more communication between dates. I'd do that first, and see how well he responds, before considering pulling the plug. He's not a mind reader, and very well may be just as concerned about coming across "the wrong way."

 

This is true.

 

You also have to consider that he might not a "text for the hell of it" type of guy. Not everyone wants to check how youre doing when they know youre fine. he could be like me, where as long as the relationships fine, I dont need to do extra texting. I hate it. So you could ask for it, but if he doesnt truly like doing it, nothing will change for the long run.

 

If this is something you think you cant live without, then you should break it off. And incidentally, if he doesnt need to hear from you for five days in a row, better run before you get more attached. That aint right.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If you do decide to end it, do it properly. Please don't let him talk you back into giving it another go.

 

If you think there is a small chance that you are misreading things, then talk to him about it first. Then break up based on how you feel after an open conversation.

[Tasha49]

It sucks when you're so attracted to someone physically and emotionally that you can't even take your own happiness into consideration, huh? I hate it. Now that I've stepped too far in I can't even imagine stepping back. Part of the reason I can't walk away with any sort of ease is also because of all the time and patience I feel like I have invested. I hate thinking I put forth so much just to give it all up in the end.

 

You should really try and find a way to talk to him about your feelings, otherwise you will be another casualty to the guessing game which is never fun. You don't need to list off a bunch of your thoughts at once, but just the main ones. The most important ones that matter most.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would back off a little and see what happens, that way, if his interest is only lukewarm he would fall away, otherwise he would pull closer. Might take a couple weeks, guys seem to take a little longer connecting it. It isn't a "game" you are just measuring a response.

[KathyM]

I am always initiating calls and texts. It's not just about the lack of communication between times when we see one another. It is a gut feeling. I cannot place my finger on it but I'm just not feeling it from him. I'm falling for him and he's in the same place. I certainly do not expect daily contact, but at this point, if you cannot see me for the next four days, it would be nice to get a call or text asking how I am, what I did that day, etc... I really like him and it almost feels like torture having no contact until we see each other again. Sigh.

Some men are just not as intense as others. Doesn't mean it can't work out. If he is telling you he really likes you, and continues to ask you out, then I wouldn't be too concerned about not hearing from him for a few days. But it wouldn't hurt to tell him straight up "You should call me during the week and let me know how you're doing. I miss you when I don't hear from you for awhile". Some men are clueless and need to be trained how to be more attentive to their partner. I had to train my husband of many years to call me during the day and when he is heading home. Some men are just more independent than others and don't want to come across as too dependent. They need to be told what the expectations are.

[dreamingoftigers]

It sucks when you're so attracted to someone physically and emotionally that you can't even take your own happiness into consideration, huh? I hate it. Now that I've stepped too far in I can't even imagine stepping back. Part of the reason I can't walk away with any sort of ease is also because of all the time and patience I feel like I have invested. I hate thinking I put forth so much just to give it all up in the end.

 

You should really try and find a way to talk to him about your feelings, otherwise you will be another casualty to the guessing game which is never fun. You don't need to list off a bunch of your thoughts at once, but just the main ones. The most important ones that matter most.

 

No, it isn't a waste, you just aren't going to learn what you thought you would: you are going to learn not to invest so much time in someone who is not treating you as a priority. Or you won't learn it this time around and you will go through the experience again until you do.

 

Try to shorten the time of this lesson lest you invest 3 years into a sinking prospect instead of 1.5.

 

You cannot bail out the Titanic with a sand box bucket and your rubber ducky.

 

For you, a book: Taming Your Outer Child.

 

Read and enjoy, I say this with love.

[SnowandStars]

Some men are just not as intense as others. Doesn't mean it can't work out. If he is telling you he really likes you, and continues to ask you out, then I wouldn't be too concerned about not hearing from him for a few days. But it wouldn't hurt to tell him straight up "You should call me during the week and let me know how you're doing. I miss you when I don't hear from you for awhile". Some men are clueless and need to be trained how to be more attentive to their partner. I had to train my husband of many years to call me during the day and when he is heading home. Some men are just more independent than others and don't want to come across as too dependent. They need to be told what the expectations are.

 

I definitely see what you're saying. If I saw him regularly it probably wouldn't be this huge deal. This uncertainty is probably building inside of me because I believe we've only seen each other once in the last 3 1/2 weeks. For one of those weeks he was out of the country so we communicated very little by email (basically confirming when I should pick him up from the airport). The day he returned we spent most of that day together and then it's been another week without seeing him and he hasn't initiated any conversation. Understandably he's busy with school stuff and I'm fine with not being able to see him as much during those circumstances but the lack of communication outside of that sucks. Our schedules do not always match up so we're not talking about a few days between our time spent together, it's usually a minimum of 5-7 days. It's not just the communication that makes me feel this way though. If he liked me more, I think he'd reach out more.