Am I in denial?

[Ivana]

WARNING: THIS IS LONG, BUT PLEASE READ IF YOU HAVE THE TIME. I REALLY NEED THE HELP.

 

I posted this in another thread, but this thread seems a lot more appropriate.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for one year and two months. He was my first real boyfriend (I had another boyfriend before him for like, 3 weeks?) and I lost my virginity to him. In the beginning of our relationship, actually the first six months, were completely perfect. We fell in love. Our date was February 14th, 2010. Valentine's day. I fell in love with the bad boy and believe that I changed him for the better when we dated. We never fought. After that, we argued but it wasn't anything serious. Around mid December I found out I was pregnant. I noticed his behavior was changing and he was starting to be more disrespectful toward me, and my hormones were beyond horrible. No one could be around me, and I guess I reacted even worse when I saw how he was pulling away and changing to the old person he was again. That whole year, from April-December of 2010, there were plenty of girls that wanted him. He rejected them all, that I saw and knew of and I trusted him. However there was this one particular girl I kept my eye on. I knew she wanted him, and she never gave up. She didn't press herself on him too much until she saw we were having problems. I don't know this 100% but I believe she made him feel good when we were fighting horribly. Around April of this year, he dumped me. He said I was too insecure. I was heartbroken and cried for days. A few days later, I heard rumors he gave that girl a hickey. It was confirmed when I saw her, she admitted it to me and showed me but swore she didn't like him that way anymore because of how he dumped me. By that point, they already had sex and she lied to my face. Long story short, I found out they had sex the same day he dumped me (or they were already seeing each other before hand. I don't know. I refuse to admit he cheated, maybe that's why he dumped me so abruptly so he could be with her?) So now things are pretty bad. I'm 8 months pregnant and he's been a DICK since April. I always had to call him, he lost all respect for me and became a monster, never once asked about how his son was doing. His friends/girlfriends were always more important.

 

What I'm trying to say is I swear to God I was in love. There's no "I think" there's no illusion. I know he loved me and I loved him. Things have gotten pretty bad though, about two weeks ago he put death threats on me and told me he would take my son away from me, raise him, and have someone else be called mommy. He said he wishes his current girlfriend (the one that I suspected of luring him all along) was the mother of his baby instead of me, I'm an "insignificant piece of ****." He also stated "For your information, we had sex the same day, not 3 days later" because originally I had thought they had sex a few days later. That really hurt. But, by saying those things it's like he was intentionally trying to hurt me, intentionally trying to make me hate him. There's so much more information. But I'm torn between adoption and keeping the baby, I'd have to go to a shelter if I do keep him. I called the cops on him for the death threats and kidnapping threats and I saw him at the police station today, he's being charged with that crime (he's 16, I'm 18, so I don't know if they just let him go or actually make him go to a judge and request a bail). Everything is done on my part, he has to face criminal charges. My whole point is he broke up with me so coldly. I knew our relationship was failing but he never attempted to fix it, he just went with her right away and I feel so used. It's been three months, no matter what I do, no matter how I deny it, I can't let go. There's nights like tonight I can't stop crying. An order of protection is probably being put in my name against him since he's crazy. Around November he stopped his medication so that might explain his behavior. I can't let go, a part of me still feels he loves me. Our love was so pure, so. . . amazing. I can't tell you how many special moments we had and it's like he forgot about everything and replaced his love for me with this girl. I don't understand how he stopped caring about the mother of his child, so quickly! He still did not give me a full reason of what I did for him to hate me so much. He just said "our relationship failed because of secrets and built-up emotion." Secrets on his part, not mine. I told him everything and more. Built up emotion that could have been handled if he wanted it to. I can't let go, I still have hope for us and it sickens me because I'm probably in denial but can't tell the difference. There's days I hate him, but it doesn't last long. I can't hate him. My question is, do you think he might still love me and is in denial, or truly hates me? My second question is, is it possible after things like this for love to rekindle itself or "fall in love" with a person all over again? His girlfriends texted me last week on his phone saying to hop off his dick. The funny thing is I never once asked for him back throughout this whole break-up and another girl is claiming to be his girlfriend ffrom his phone. . .it's so confusing, I thought he was just with this girl.

 

Please help me. I have so many unanswered questions. Why did he leave me? How did he stop loving me? What can I do to make things work? Am I in denial? How can you tell the difference between being in denial or what's felt in your heart? I love my son so much. My dreams are shattered. I just want him to be at peace, to be a father to our son and respect me. I'm not even imagining a relationship because I think we're completely damaged and I don't even think he wants me, he hates me. Yes he's 16 but. . . that's not why I dated him. He changed. I don't know who this man is anymore. Was this who he was the whole time? Was it a lie? I highly doubt it but his actions are making me perceive these things.

My brother saw him today and saw a blank look on his face at the police precinct. They locked eyes. He said although he saw a blank face, he felt that he was scared. He sensed fear. Who knows, though. Please help me with your responses, I'm sorry this is so long. I'm 18, pregnant, scared, alone and heartbroken.

[Silivren]

Hey, Ivana. I just want to say that I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I know what it's like to be betrayed by the father of your child and be so conflicted. You are not yourself right now. You have pregnancy horomones raging through you and you cannot make a rational decision at this time.

 

First thing I would like to tell you is that you didn't do anything wrong. You say you changed the bad boy. Well I'm sorry to say - but you didnt'. He was always the bad boy and he was just putting on his best behavior for you. If he really loved you, he never would have treated you that way.. You never lost his love - he truly never loved you to begin with and he was a very good actor.

 

Now you have some big decisions to make. You have not just your life but the life of another to consider. I can't tell you what would be your best move. If you should give your child up for adoption or not is a choice you have to face on you own. However, if you do decide to keep this child - you must understand that he has to be your #1 priority NO MATTER WHAT. It will be your responsibility to protect and care for him and that should take precedence over everything. Only keep him if you know you are fully capable of being a mother first. This is a big decision. You are 18 and this is a lifelong commitment.

 

I strongly suggest you seek some counselling. You really need to sort out your head. Your ex has been messing with it quite a bit. You should go No Contact for a while and let the situation cool down. This is a very hard thing to do - especially with a child in the mix. If you do wind up keeping the baby, remember this is his daddy for life. You have to find a way to co-exist with each other peacefully for the best interests of the child. For some people, this is an impossibility. I guess that's all up to you guys. How mature the two of you can be.

 

I hope you can come to some resolution but I strongly urge you to seek help. You have some very big decisions that could cause you a lifetime of regret if you dont' make the right decision for you and your child

[Ivana]

Hey, Ivana. I just want to say that I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I know what it's like to be betrayed by the father of your child and be so conflicted. You are not yourself right now. You have pregnancy horomones raging through you and you cannot make a rational decision at this time.

 

First thing I would like to tell you is that you didn't do anything wrong. You say you changed the bad boy. Well I'm sorry to say - but you didnt'. He was always the bad boy and he was just putting on his best behavior for you. If he really loved you, he never would have treated you that way.. You never lost his love - he truly never loved you to begin with and he was a very good actor.

 

Now you have some big decisions to make. You have not just your life but the life of another to consider. I can't tell you what would be your best move. If you should give your child up for adoption or not is a choice you have to face on you own. However, if you do decide to keep this child - you must understand that he has to be your #1 priority NO MATTER WHAT. It will be your responsibility to protect and care for him and that should take precedence over everything. Only keep him if you know you are fully capable of being a mother first. This is a big decision. You are 18 and this is a lifelong commitment.

 

I strongly suggest you seek some counselling. You really need to sort out your head. Your ex has been messing with it quite a bit. You should go No Contact for a while and let the situation cool down. This is a very hard thing to do - especially with a child in the mix. If you do wind up keeping the baby, remember this is his daddy for life. You have to find a way to co-exist with each other peacefully for the best interests of the child. For some people, this is an impossibility. I guess that's all up to you guys. How mature the two of you can be.

 

I hope you can come to some resolution but I strongly urge you to seek help. You have some very big decisions that could cause you a lifetime of regret if you dont' make the right decision for you and your child

 

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. Maybe I'm in denial, probably am, but a part of me believes he did love me. I just think things became too much and I believe he really tried to hide who he truly was to fix his life - but bad, is just what he is. He used to do drugs. He had a horrible childhood and got abused, he told me all of this. He trusted me and even cried a few times telling me so. How does someone who doesn't love you cry over the phone when they say it? It's hard to accept. In my mind, I tell myself maybe he's being this mean because he wants him to hate me? He loves me enough to know he's an ass-hole, and makes me hate him? I don't know. But apparently his girlfriends think I want him when I never once asked for him back. None of this makes sense. I'm going to therapy pretty soon but somehow I don't think it will help. All of my questions will still be unanswered and he's the only one who can answer them!

 

As far as the baby, I know myself all too well. I'm going with an adoption agency but I'm pretty sure when he's born, I won't be able to let him go. I've always managed to figure things out alone my whole life. I'm trusting God to lead me to make the right choices.

 

The girl he's with is beyond trashy. I'm not even sure he knows how trashy she is. My friend who lives an hour or two away said he knows her and one of his friends caught Clamidia from her a while back. . . heh, I wonder if he knows this. She also told me the night she lied to me that "She would get with me over my ex any day" and "it sucked I wasn't bi-sexual." See how did go from an innocent girl like me, to such trash? Yeah, makes no sense.

 

I love my son. He's what's keeping me going. Do you think that although yes he's a major ass-hole and he's young, that he can change in the future? Not for me, not even for himself, but for his son? Let's hope so.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Ivana

[Mack05]

Ivana,

 

Wow I really feel for you. Firstly maybe can you tell me about your housing situation. Do you live at home with your family?

 

You have some big life changing decisions and none of them revolve around this guy. Being a parent is a MASSIVE respondsibility. This guy is a million miles away from being emotionally mature enough to a good father. You have a massive emotional attachment to this boy (he is a long way from being a man) because he was your first love, you lost your virginity to this guy. When we fall in love at the start with our first loves, the feelings are probably the most intense you will experience in your whole life. Everything seems so perfect but sadly/eventually life gets in the way. When you found out your were pregnant it was then he started to push you away. He showed you his true colours. Ivana this guy is not a nice guy I'm afraid. The way he has treated you is beyond appalling. I would be amazed if he can provide the love and support a child needs. He is 16 so there is a financial problem there as well.

 

This relationship is over and its very important you accept this. You have far bigger things to worry about. Are you going to keep your baby. This is literally a life changing decision. Your 18 and so young. Being a single mother is SOOOOOOO hard. You have no idea how hard it is going to be. If you give up your child there will not be a day that goes that you will not think about your son.

 

Your ex is a waste of space. The only things you should be concerned about is can the guy or his family provide financial assistance and how much does he want to be in your son's life. From what I am reading above he doesn't want anything to do with your baby. He is a very immature 16 year old. He might change as he grows, but he will have missed out on so much of your son growing up. In the future if he suddenly wants to be a part of his boy's life you may be very resentful towards him as you will have done all the hard work without him.

 

Ivana you have alot to think about and this boy isn't one of them...

Edited July 10, 2011 by Mack05

[Ivana]

Ivana,

 

Wow I really feel for you. Firstly maybe can you tell me about your housing situation. Do you live at home with your family?

 

You have some big life changing decisions and none of them revolve around this guy. Being a parent is a MASSIVE respondsibility. This guy is a million miles away from being emotionally mature enough to a good father. You have a massive emotional attachment to this boy (he is a long way from being a man) because he was your first love, you lost your virginity to this guy. When we fall in love at the start with our first loves, the feelings are probably the most intense you will experience in your whole life. Everything seems so perfect but sadly/eventually life gets in the way. When you found out your were pregnant it was then he started to push you away. He showed you his true colours. Ivana this guy is not a nice guy I'm afraid. The way he has treated you is beyond appalling. I would be amazed if he can provide the love and support a child needs. He is 16 so there is a financial problem there as well.

 

This relationship is over and its very important you accept this. You have far bigger things to worry about. Are you going to keep your baby. This is literally a life changing decision. Your 18 and so young. Being a single mother is SOOOOOOO hard. You have no idea how hard it is going to be. If you give up your child there will not be a day that goes that you will not think about your son. Your ex is a waste of space. The only things you should be concerned about is can the guy or his family provide financial assistance and how much does he want to be in your son's life. From what I am reading above he doesn't want anything to do with your baby. He is a very immature 16 year old. He might change as he grows, but he will have missed out on so much of your son growing up. In the future if he suddenly wants to be a part of his boy's life you may be very resentful towards him as you will have done all the hard work without him.

 

Ivana you have alot to think about and this boy isn't one of them...

 

Hi,

 

I know giving up my son would haunt me for the rest of my life, but it would offer him better. However, sometimes I feel no one would love him more than me. Either way my situation stinks. I'll either raise him as a single mother, which is hard, or die giving him away. I'm torn, but I kinda know myself, when the time comes to sign I probably won't be able to. I love my son so much already, beyond what I ever loved him. I can only imagine when he's born and I'm holding him in my arms.

 

As far as my ex, he is 16. I didn't date him for acting his age, though. He was a mature young man who taught me so much about life and then suddenly changed. He doesn't care about me. In fact, I'm pretty sure he hates me. WHY? I don't know and that's what's killing me!

 

I live with my mom but I need to move out before the baby is born and he's due in 7 weeks, full term in 4 weeks. Even if I gave him up, I'd need to find housing with my state and a lot of people told me it would be easier and I'd get more financial help with a baby. However, the thought of raising him in a shelter scares me because that is how my ex grew up most of his life, and look at him now. HOWEVER, I don't think he was offered compassionate love. I'm going to love this child beyond words, so maybe if we aren't in the best of places, the love will surround the both of us. My mom grew up in poverty but didn't care because her parents loved her so much!

 

I don't know. It's hard. With this pending order of protection, it makes me happy because I can't contact him even if I wanted to. I have no urge though, I'm just hurt.

 

Another question I have (I don't know if anyone has the answer to this, BUT) because there's an order of protection on him against me, where does that leave his rights/legal rights for his son if he wanted to be a part of his life?

[Mack05]

Hi,

 

As far as my ex, he is 16. I didn't date him for acting his age, though. He was a mature young man who taught me so much about life and then suddenly changed.

 

I live with my mom but I need to move out before the baby is born and he's due in 7 weeks, full term in 4 weeks.

 

Ivana trust me, this guy is NOT mature and has very little life experience. No 16 year on the planet, can have extensive life experience..Why do you have to move out of your Mom's?. If you keep your son you will need all the help you can get. Especially in the first few months..I am surprised your mom is ok with you moving out. She needs to be more supportive to you here..

[Ivana]

Ivana trust me, this guy is NOT mature and has very little life experience. No 16 year on the planet, can have extensive life experience..Why do you have to move out of your Mom's?. If you keep your son you will need all the help you can get. Especially in the first few months..I am surprised your mom is ok with you moving out. She needs to be more supportive to you here..

 

My mom is selfish and was never a good mother. She doesn't want me here, and that's pretty much the end of it. My family sucks. I have no one. Obviously, my ex is immature and so are the rest of my friends. I'm stuck on my own. Maybe now you guys understand why I'm taking this harder than usual /: I didn't mention a lot of details because I'm not the type to feel sorry for myself. I just want answers and want to know how to move forward!

[Mack05]

Unbelievable about your mother. It made my blood boil just reading that. There is a lot I could say about your mother, but I better not.

 

Is there a counsellor you can talk to Ivana?. There is so much going on in your life and your only 18. I truly admire and respect your courage. I wish I could help you more then just typing on LS..

[Ivana]

Unbelievable about your mother. It made my blood boil just reading that. There is a lot I could say about your mother, but I better not.

 

Is there a counsellor you can talk to Ivana?. There is so much going on in your life and your only 18. I truly admire and respect your courage. I wish I could help you more then just typing on LS..

 

Mack,

 

I didn't even tell you 5% of what I've been through. If that made you boil, you'll probably want to go on a killing spree if I typed everything out. New York State offers counseling but no housing right now due to budget cuts. I'd have to be officially homeless and live in a shelter, and wait a few years to even be considered. It's rough. I'm in a very bad situation. I don't know what to do, but keeping my son sounds more rational, seeing I'm still in the same situation with/without him. I want to keep him. I don't know. I pray every night that things work out. I pray that God makes me make the right decision as far as my son. But, more than that, (although he's not worth to pray for), I pray for my ex because I loved him and a part of me will always love him, no matter what. I pray that if he really is this narcissistic ass-hole (which, again, I don't believe he was with me until recently) that he can change. I'm extremely religious about believing in God and I've seen people change. . . I pray for him every night. I want him to change, to realize, to be a father if he has that opportunity and hopefully this order of protection for 1-2 years (whatever it is) gives him plenty of time to think about things.

 

He can either better himself and realize his guilt and mistakes and fix them, or blame it all on me and hate me. I think he's chosing to hate me and put the blame all on me right now. We'll see as time goes on if this changes. It's hard for me to accept some people are just worthless, especially someone you loved. Thanks for your reply, Mack.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Ivana

[Silivren]

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. Maybe I'm in denial, probably am, but a part of me believes he did love me. I just think things became too much and I believe he really tried to hide who he truly was to fix his life - but bad, is just what he is. He used to do drugs. He had a horrible childhood and got abused, he told me all of this. He trusted me and even cried a few times telling me so. How does someone who doesn't love you cry over the phone when they say it? It's hard to accept. In my mind, I tell myself maybe he's being this mean because he wants him to hate me? He loves me enough to know he's an ass-hole, and makes me hate him? I don't know. But apparently his girlfriends think I want him when I never once asked for him back. None of this makes sense. I'm going to therapy pretty soon but somehow I don't think it will help. All of my questions will still be unanswered and he's the only one who can answer them!

 

As far as the baby, I know myself all too well. I'm going with an adoption agency but I'm pretty sure when he's born, I won't be able to let him go. I've always managed to figure things out alone my whole life. I'm trusting God to lead me to make the right choices.

 

The girl he's with is beyond trashy. I'm not even sure he knows how trashy she is. My friend who lives an hour or two away said he knows her and one of his friends caught Clamidia from her a while back. . . heh, I wonder if he knows this. She also told me the night she lied to me that "She would get with me over my ex any day" and "it sucked I wasn't bi-sexual." See how did go from an innocent girl like me, to such trash? Yeah, makes no sense.

 

I love my son. He's what's keeping me going. Do you think that although yes he's a major ass-hole and he's young, that he can change in the future? Not for me, not even for himself, but for his son? Let's hope so.

 

Lots of people are abused. But there are two kinds of people who suffer abuse - those who use it as an excuse for their behavior, and those who use it as a reason to not be like their parents. It sounds like he's good at manipulating people and spinning his stories sincerely. Seems like he sucks people into his little dramas. I know you want to believe he loved you, but sometimes people are just really good actors.

 

You are going to hurt and be conflicted for a while. Some days you will miss him and others you will be glad he's gone. As time goes by the days you miss him will be less and less and you will be stronger without him.

 

I'm hoping therapy can work for you. Have you looked into an open adoption? 2 friends of mine had to give their boys up for adoption. They had an open adoption - what that meant was they got to stay in their child's lives instead of a closed adoption where your child is adopted to people and you have no contact until he's 18. Both my friends get regular updates, pictures and still have visits with their boys from time to time. Maybe it'll make it a little easier. It's a tough decision to make but if you truly believe you can't care for him properly it's only fair to him to give him a good family.

 

I can tell you that people can change for their children. But they have to want to and it can't be forced. It took two years of patience on my part before my daughter's father truly became a part of her life. But it was so hard. He didn't want kids and when I became pregnant he treated me like garbage because he was too afraid to end it. When my girl was born he already had another and it took me a long time to get over it. We are friends now and she has a great relationship with her dad. And he kicks himself for letting me go. But he can't take back the horrible things that he did to me. And I can never forget them.

 

Good luck