Babygail Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, I am new on this site and really need help. I have been married for seven years now,with two children ages 5 and 4. My husband is a wonderful family guy. Despite of all his effort to make me happy, i am the most miserable woman on earth. I have everything that could make a woman happy, but i am not. I ve been seeing another guy for five months and i feel totally different when i am with him than when i am with my husband. With my husband i always feel cold and no desire for sex, i hate when he kisses me, i dont want him to get close to me, and I always have to force myself to be nice to him or sometimes fake organism when we are having sex. I feel horrible about that. But, with this guy, it is totally different. I dont have to force myself for anything, everything comes naturally. I love him deeply.My husband had a vasectomy and recently i was pregnant by the new guy but had to have an abortion in order to continue my so called normal life.I am depressed and had two suicide attempts. I ve been seeing a therapist and i am not suicidal anymore. My husband know about everything that is going on and i told him about my feelings. I am troubled and he still wants me to stay in the marriage even though i explained to him how unhappy I am and that I prefer to have a divorce instead of having to continue to live in lies. All he cares about is his feelings, as long as he is happy and give me everything, i should be happy. He does not want to understand that i cant borrow, buy, or force happiness. THis is something that should come naturally. He does not want to let me go and now i really feel trapped. I am praying God everyday to take me so i can get over this. I dont know what to do. I dont feel like staying in this marriage and i want my husband to get over his obsession with me. Every time we argue he wants to have sex right after to settle everything. I find it ridiculous. I feel trapped, I hate my life. I am still breathing because of my children. I dont know what to do, I just want to be free and happy. And also, I want my husband to realize that he can be happy without me. Edited July 10, 2011 by Babygail
kino411 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Why did you marry your husband in the first place? How old were you? Are you a different person now? Is he a different person now? Did you seek out this new guy, or did he seek you out? Did you lose interest in your husband before ever even finding this guy? If so, you may have been open to a relationship with just about anyone who showed interest, and this guy was just the most desirable, and available, one that wasn't your boring/cold husband. There are many women out there that don't get sexually satisfied by most men they meet. What you need to decide for yourself is whether if you want your current husband to become someone that you sexually desire, someone that you lust for (like this new man), or if he isn't a good person to be with in the first place (he is abusive--emotionally/physically/etc.). When you say your husband knows about everything, do you mean he knows about the other man, how long it's been going on, and about the baby and the abortion? And he still desires to be with you? Is it that he is really trying to work things out? Or is he more possessive than that and treating you more as an object than as a person? An object that someone else has stolen and he must "possess" again?
Alice8122 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I'm going through a similar situation.you can read my thread..having an affair is like a drug to me. I know if I cut off any contact with OM , the pain will last a month or two maybe a year but i don't. I can't focus on mending my marriage because I keep thinking about OM and possible life with him. I made a list of things I like about my H and OM and things I hate about them just to start sorting my feelings and putting practicality in picture.
Author Babygail Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 First of all I thank you for reading my "mess". I really appreciate it. I was 26 when I married my husband, was in the US on vacation. I was about to go back to my country when i met him online and he asked me to marry him cause he liked me. I did not want at first and wanted to stop the wedding and everything. But then again i was hoping that over the years my feelings for him would get stronger bcuz at that time it was not strong at all. I dont even know what i was thinking. the only thing is that all my friends were saying that it is so hard to find a guy like him (economically stable, single, no child, with a successfull realty business). I was good to him at some point. But I always feel empty from the start. No matter what I do or no matter what he does we just cant connect to each other. At least I cant connect to him. Itried and tried and tried. The more I tried the more angry and sad I become. I dont even know why. After the abortion, I feel more devastated than never before. Cause i really wanted to have that child. But since my husband told me to have the abortion and we would be back to normal i did it but regret it deeply. And this make me angrier because now he wants to reverse his vasectomy to replace the child that i just lost. I dont hide nothing to him about the other guy. they have spoken to each other on numerous occasion. My concern right now is, My husband does not want me to leave since I make him happy but what about me. It is always about what makes him feel good. He calls me every name on the book but still wants me to stay as his wife. He is really possessive but does not let it show. I dont want to stay in a relationship where i am not happy. I spent days lonely at home, when he is out on business. He always said that i should be happy that he is looking for bread to put oon the familys table. It is true, he is very responsible but he does not want to realize that after seven years we have no intimacy whatsoever. Now that i find this guy, I feel like a new person cause i thought that i could not love anyone and that there was a problem with me. But it is not true. i am capable of loving. I dont know what to do anymore
robf1971 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 fake organism . Lol, pretty good description of what you are.
kino411 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 That is a depressing situation you find yourself in. I find it very unusual that your husband is on fairly good terms with the man you have been sleeping with. You married into a loveless marriage. You now realize this mistake. Unfortunately you can't make yourself love someone. It happens or it doesn't. Even if you grow to appreciate the person, or view them as your best friend, you may still not be attracted to them. Because of the way you entered into this marriage, it seems like you will continue to cheat (with someone else even if the current guy leaves) or continue to be unsatisfied. It's up to you about what you do. It was up to you to marry your husband when you knew it was wrong. It was up to you to cheat on your husband when you knew it was wrong. Yet which wrong brought you happiness? I would say that if you choose to leave your husband, still be careful about this new guy. Just because he is NOT your husband, doesn't mean he is the best person for you. Life is too short to live it unhappy and with regrets. However, you also need to be willing to work through the hard times. Try outside professional help if you can. If it were the situation that your husband and you were just hitting a rough spot, if the romance had just left, and someone else was filling that void, I would say to try to bring that spice back in your life. But in your case it sounds like it wasn't there in the first place. I've known people that have made that work anyway, it was an arranged marriage. They found love for each other. I've also known people that seemed like the most amazing couple, but have grown apart after a decade of marriage. Look at your options, and try to make the best choice for what it is that you want. Just like in a career, try to imagine yourself in 5 years. Imagine yourself with your husband. Imagine yourself divorced from him. Extend it to 10 years, now 20. If you'd rather be dead than be in some of those situations, I think you already know your choice. Suicide is NOT a viable option. Better to totally reset your life and try something new than to just end it.
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