11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hi All, This girl I met at a restaurant (where I am a regular) and I were supposed to have a date (drink at a nearby restaurant/bar) last Friday. Just 35 mins before the appointed time, she texts me and says that her car overheated and that she wanted a raincheck. I had a feeling that she was BS'ing but I still texted her back ten minutes later saying "No problem. Just call me when you would like to go out". She called me immediately and said that she felt terrible and how her car failed on her at the last minute. I got her to agree to let me know her plans for the next day. She suggested that I go meet her and her friends the next day. I said I would prefer just the two of us meet for a drink at a restaurant nearby. We flirted on over the phone for a few mins and then ended the call. Something bothered me and I texted her a few minutes later asking how far from the meeting spot she lived. She said she did not live far, the car really overheated, but also that she chickened out at the last minute since she had not been asked out like that before." I tried calling her immediately, she did not answer. I sent her a text saying "I only asked you out because you seemed like a cool person. If you really wanna go out, I will let you pick the place and time. That's the best I can do to put you at ease". I never heard back. My question: I only tried calling her and sent her the last text because she seemed to be genuinely nervous/shy about going out with me. I thought if she was really interested, she wouldn't mind a few extra texts/calls from me. Even then, was I trying too hard? What should I have done right? Advice please?
rafallus Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Probably that thrill about you she had when seeing you last time in person has faded away and now she wasn't entirely sure if she wants to see you. You need to attempt to reignite her when interacting through the phone, if early on.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I see. But do you think I came off as desperate? I saw her today and neither of us said a word to each other except when I had to pay for my food. I don't think I will ask her out again because this girl who is her friend said she has a crazy mindset and that there is this boyfriend who she is on and off with. I just need to know if anything that I did might have ruined just the first date.
Star Gazer Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I see. But do you think I came off as desperate? No, I don't think you did. But what you did do was make it clear that you put your desires ahead of hers (meeting her alone vs. with friends).
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 You are probably right. But I saw her the night before the date and she seemed fine. She called me later that night and that's when we decided on a time for the date. She was even quoting a joke I made a few days before. It all seemed fine until the last minute.
grkBoy Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I don't agree with Jazzari, and I think men need to set limits when women become immature and childish. No offense, I don't care what world we live in or what happened in this woman's past. If she had done this to me, and then wanted me to hang out with her and her friends the next day, I'd stop talking to her. She's clearly showing she's a flake and I'm wasting my time. I don't expect a girl to jump into a RL with me after a date, but if she's going to be that scared to meet a guy alone, then she shouldn't be dating at all or even attempting to. Just stay hiding in your clique of friends and then wonder later in life why you're still single and everyone else has married off. I think 11ni22 reached out enough. Now it's her turn. If she never talks to him again and thus cowers away, he needs to move on. Guys need to stop wasting time on insecure flaky women who need to be dragged kicking and screaming out of their baggage in order to try to find love. If you're scared to meet someone alone, then don't date...period. Don't waste a man or woman's time if you can't act like an adult and show up when you're supposed to. Even if her car actually broke down, she should then be talking about another day and set it in stone, or ask him to pick her up. This whole thing IMHO was her chickening out and nothing more. Learn from my past mistakes. Don't waste your time on flakes, and don't "work very hard" to get someone to go out with you. If they need heavy convincing/coaxing, then let them grow old alone.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 She was nervous about meeting you alone. You should have agreed to meet with her and her friends. If that went well, then she would probably agree to a date with just the two of you. no, he should have simply ignored her at that point, grkboy is right. you don't start out the first date letting her lie to you without consequences. else you'll be back in 2 or 3 months complaining about how she's lying to you about something else.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Thanks, grkBoy. It just sucks that I live in a very small town and there are not many women that I find attractive. This girl is the only one I came across in a few weeks. But, dating will always be a numbers game, I guess.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I see. But do you think I came off as desperate? I saw her today and neither of us said a word to each other except when I had to pay for my food. I don't think I will ask her out again because this girl who is her friend said she has a crazy mindset and that there is this boyfriend who she is on and off with. I just need to know if anything that I did might have ruined just the first date. Yes your behaviour screams desperation (no offence, but that's how it comes across). Her car did not overheat; you know that was just a BS excuse. Neither is she "nervous" about meeting you. She is just a flake. Don't waste your time thinking why she flaked out. There cold be a million different reasons. The bottom line is that if she was really interested in meeting you, she would have met you. I don't suggest you bother with this girl anymore; she's a waste of time.
somedude81 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 It's never a good idea for a man to meet up with a woman and her friends for a first date. Essentially he has to fight them for her attention. 11ni22 you did the right thing there. I think you did make an error by continuing to contact her and essentially calling her out. You would have been better off by not sending that text because when she had to defend herself, that was basically the last straw for her.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Let me slightly amend my statement. If he wanted this girl badly enough, he should have agreed to meet with her and her friends. Pushing her just makes her even more insecure. If he isn't willing to deal with her insecurities, then by all means blow her off. no really, you're wrong, no amount of rephrasing is gonna change the fact that she's lying to him before their first date. lying is lying, and people in the habit of doing so will do so again. just because you think women have managed to get their flaky insecure notions accepted by having men look past them, does not change the fact that she is still lying to him before their first date. there is no real decision to make on his part, why would he want a flaky insecure woman? there's no reason to pretend that her actions are acceptable, they're not.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 yeah, it was established when she said her car overheated. his response should've been "tell me where you are i'll come help you fix the car". if her response to that was anything but "yes here's the address" he knows she's LYING. flaking = lying. it's a red flag that tells you she's a liar, and it's not ok.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I don't agree with Jazzari, and I think men need to set limits when women become immature and childish. No offense, I don't care what world we live in or what happened in this woman's past. If she had done this to me, and then wanted me to hang out with her and her friends the next day, I'd stop talking to her. She's clearly showing she's a flake and I'm wasting my time. I don't expect a girl to jump into a RL with me after a date, but if she's going to be that scared to meet a guy alone, then she shouldn't be dating at all or even attempting to. Just stay hiding in your clique of friends and then wonder later in life why you're still single and everyone else has married off. I think 11ni22 reached out enough. Now it's her turn. If she never talks to him again and thus cowers away, he needs to move on. Guys need to stop wasting time on insecure flaky women who need to be dragged kicking and screaming out of their baggage in order to try to find love. If you're scared to meet someone alone, then don't date...period. Don't waste a man or woman's time if you can't act like an adult and show up when you're supposed to. Even if her car actually broke down, she should then be talking about another day and set it in stone, or ask him to pick her up. This whole thing IMHO was her chickening out and nothing more. Learn from my past mistakes. Don't waste your time on flakes, and don't "work very hard" to get someone to go out with you. If they need heavy convincing/coaxing, then let them grow old alone. yeah, it was established when she said her car overheated. his response should've been "tell me where you are i'll come help you fix the car". if her response to that was anything but "yes here's the address" he knows she's LYING. flaking = lying. it's a red flag that tells you she's a liar, and it's not ok. To answer your question. I do think she was lying. I heard from her friend that she was debating whether she should go out with me (I think her friend said she should). I was just wondering if I never had the date in the first place (which is fine with me because I didn't do anything wrong), or if I had it and then lost it by overreaching..
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 She was nervous about meeting you alone. You should have agreed to meet with her and her friends. If that went well, then she would probably agree to a date with just the two of you. Do you think it's okay for me ask her out again telling her that I understand she was being nervous? Or is it just not worth it at this point?
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 there are lots of mentally deranged women out there just like her. write them off, find another one, you did nothing wrong. do NOT ask her out again. this isn't complicated man, you treat these things just like you treat everything else. if you met a male friend who told you one day he was a millionaire and the next day showed up asking to borrow money from you, would you keep him as a friend? the answer is no. he's a liar, and looking to take advantage of you. flaky women are no different. treat them the same way.
dispatch3d Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 the chick is insecure. Just needs some reassurance. Case closed. haha solid response by thatone.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Do you think it's okay for me ask her out again telling her that I understand she was being nervous? Or is it just not worth it at this point? You really are desperate to meet that broad, aren't you?
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 You really are desperate to meet that broad, aren't you? Haha. Honestly, I kinda am. I guess I am just tired of being single. At the same time, her own friend says she is weird and that I should stay away. So, I think pursuing her would only hurt me more.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 there are lots of mentally deranged women out there just like her. write them off, find another one, you did nothing wrong. do NOT ask her out again. this isn't complicated man, you treat these things just like you treat everything else. if you met a male friend who told you one day he was a millionaire and the next day showed up asking to borrow money from you, would you keep him as a friend? the answer is no. he's a liar, and looking to take advantage of you. flaky women are no different. treat them the same way. That is one good analogy!
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Haha. Honestly, I kinda am. I guess I am just tired of being single. At the same time, her own friend says she is weird and that I should stay away. So, I think pursuing her would only hurt me more. you didn't have to tell us that, we knew that already. they're all the same. think of it this way. if you let her take advantage of you before the first date, that gives her the green light to do the same thing over and over again whenever she wants, you really wanna go into such a situation willingly? you think she wouldn't keep being dishonest if you suggest to her that it's ok right off the bat? be a man, don't put up with that crap from women.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Haha. Honestly, I kinda am. I guess I am just tired of being single. At the same time, her own friend says she is weird and that I should stay away. So, I think pursuing her would only hurt me more. Guys like you are the reason women get away with sh*tty behaviour. I understand that it may be tough to meet eligible single women if you live in a small American town, but you've got to have at least a modicum of self-respect.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Guys like you are the reason women get away with sh*tty behaviour. I understand that it may be tough to meet eligible single women if you live in a small American town, but you've got to have at least a modicum of self-respect. agreed, and if you want to see what life is like a few years down the road if you let such women get away with treating you like that, look at this poor guy's thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t286844/
Author 11ni22 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Guys like you are the reason women get away with sh*tty behaviour. I understand that it may be tough to meet eligible single women if you live in a small American town, but you've got to have at least a modicum of self-respect. It really stings when you word it like that. But, I see the truth in it.
grkBoy Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Let me slightly amend my statement. If he wanted this girl badly enough, he should have agreed to meet with her and her friends. Pushing her just makes her even more insecure. I hear you. I guess I've wasted so much time in my life with flaky/wishy-washy girls that I'd sooner drop her before jumping though hoops. If he isn't willing to deal with her insecurities, then by all means blow her off. Agreed. I just think no one is worth that much trouble. Even if my GF had tried that I would have moved on. I more or less just took a stand in my life after getting FZed and/or burned too many times that I would rather "launch" someone than jump through hoops for them. IMHO, "meeting up with the friends first" is how a guy quickly ends up friendzoned and then later complaining why other guys got right into one-on-one dating while said guy had to meet the friends first. I always tell the guys who constantly get FZed and/or rejected to look at the guys who don't seem to have that problem. It isn't about "treating a woman badly" as many assume, but simply standing your ground on things like this. Women in general love strength. Men with backbones. The moment I showed my backbone and stopped trying to pander to insecurities is when things changed for me with women. Do you think it's okay for me ask her out again telling her that I understand she was being nervous? Or is it just not worth it at this point? I honestly think you did enough. If this girl really wants to see you then she'll make it a point to be in contact with you and AT LEAST give you opportunities to see her again. So say she calls you today or tomorrow, chit-chat, apologies for her car, etc...things seem good and you two still flirt and such. Ask her out again. Take a chance, but don't hold any expectations. If she tries to make it a "hang out with me and my friends" thing, then just politely decline and tell her you're looking to date first. Stand your ground. If she hands you excuses, then politely end the phone call and stop talking to her. If she accepts and does it again, then 100% stop talking to her. Even when she calls to suddenly cancel, be a little mad and show her you're not happy about this. In all honesty, I used to be like you and I'd give way too many chances to women who play these games. Now I am quick to launch if I get the games.
Recommended Posts