Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Say you have been with someone for a few months. How do you know you truly love him/her vs just loving the feeling of being a part of a couple?
Feelin Frisky Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Under those circumstances I would say it's just a matter of being so happy that not much else matters. I however have only experienced the feeling that many people think of as being in love when the person is still un-won and I'm consumed by the want where I stop eating and start morphing into a love sick puppy. I wish I could experience the feeling of falling in love AFTER "having" someone. I felt very strongly for my longest term lover but there was something in the way of it being total ga-ga-ness. Probably her moodiness and willingness to trash our happiness over minutia temporarily here and there.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I think it's hard to tease out "fuzzy butterflies" from real love for the first several months. I ask myself questions like: DO I feel safe? Do we have mutual respect for each other? Are we best friends? Does he light my fire? Then I think about it in relation to my same sex friends, which I also love (and we tell each other too! We are an affectionate bunch of friends.) Do I feel the same towards him that I do my other friends that I love (with sexual chemistry thrown on top of it.)
Star Gazer Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Didn't you break up with your BF on July 5th? If you have to ask then you are not in love. Totally agree. I ask myself questions like: DO I feel safe? Do we have mutual respect for each other? Are we best friends? Does he light my fire? This, yes. I know I'm in love when I feel absolutely safe with him. There's no fear. I know he has the power to hurt me, but trust that he never will. I highly admire and respect him. I'm ravenous towards him. And most of all, he's truly my best friend... he's who I want to share every piece of news as the days pass, both little and small, who I share my dreams and my fears with and plan with him to make them come true.
rafallus Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hey ES, how's relationship with that bf of yours? Still together? Having any doubts? I think that question has some background story to it.
Chocolat Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I think it has to do with where the locus of love rests. Being in love with someone else is about that person. You can identify specific traits about him that you love. You are also able to put him first (which is not damaging in true love, because he is doing the same for you). You are concerned about his feelings. Being in love with love, or loving being in a relationship is more about self. You love how the other person makes you feel. You are less concerned with his feelings than with your own. Your own needs come first, and you are most concerned with how you feel.
Star Gazer Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hey ES, how's relationship with that bf of yours? Still together? Having any doubts? I think that question has some background story to it. On July 5th she posted that he had violated her boundaries again and she'd chosen to end the relationship.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I did end it and he talked me into getting back together again. Yes, if I was 100% sure about ending things - he wouldn't be able to talk me back into it. And yes I realize how unhealthy all of this sounds. As for being in love, some days I feel it, other days I have doubts. FF - the intensity of being completely ga-ga over someone was only ever there when I couldn't have that person. Never in a normal relationship situation.
denise_xo Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I think, in the long term, it's much less about 'love' (as in butterflies) and much more about compatibility. Like FF said, the infatuation phase is usually connected with the 'wanting' and will not last forever. When that fades, I think compatibility combined with feelings of appreciation, trust and connectedness (on various levels) is more what it's all about, rather than 'love' as such. Personally, I'm only certain of long term potential after all the butterflies are gone.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 ... FF - the intensity of being completely ga-ga over someone was only ever there when I couldn't have that person. Never in a normal relationship situation. You too, huh.
Star Gazer Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 From your avatar, I take it you went on the boys' ski trip?
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 FF - the intensity of being completely ga-ga over someone was only ever there when I couldn't have that person. Never in a normal relationship situation. I'm a little skeptical of sustained ga-ga feelings. I want something safe and comfortable with moments of ga-ga rather than all ga-ga, all the time. That sounds like too much intensity for me.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I'm a little skeptical of sustained ga-ga feelings. I want something safe and comfortable with moments of ga-ga rather than all ga-ga, all the time. That sounds like too much intensity for me. Same here. Definitely need moments of ga-ga, but not a consistent state of it.
utterer of lies Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 From your avatar, I take it you went on the boys' ski trip? He said maybe it would better if she didn't join them, after all. Some of his friends might object to a woman joining their all-boys skiing trip. She punished his behavior by threatening to break up again. He caved in and she joined them. Problem solved. - Maybe not, but that's what came to my mind when I read this thread.
HappyPanda Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 In terms of love, Im a tough sell (it took me almost 10 months to tell my current boyfriend I love him... even though I knew I did) So, it took a little while for me to be open to letting these feelings consume me, but now that they have, Ill describe them as this: There are definite times of goo goo ga ga'ness, but theres mostly this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment that he provides me. We've been dating for about 15 months. We dont live together. We probably spend about 3-4 nights together, and I MISS him, when he's not here. He makes me feel happy and safe. He makes me laugh, and he thinks Im hilarious I can tell him anything and he'll listen and not judge. Even the mundane tasks of running errands, or cooking dinner, or watching a movie, are better with him. And as cheesy as it sounds, he really is my best friend.
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