There is never a different outcome.

[AlisaMarie]

So Friday my ex and I had a plan to work things out and we talked for 2 hours only for him to come to terms and say "I can't do it." I believe he was just wanting to see if I'd fall for the games and I did.

 

The next day I said my head was clear and I just wanted something very important of mine that he had. He said no prob. He also owes me money... but we will call that a wash.

 

Next thing you know... he shows up at my work (ballsy). I walked past him - stuck my hand out, and retrieved my items and said thank you as I passed. He left and text me what a terrible person I was because I didn't say a word.

 

Then I told him I said thanks... and he disgusts me so I couldn't look at him. After that the text battle begun how I didn't love him right and if I wasn't such a bad person it would have worked. Let's just put it this way- every thing he said to me, were things by right, I should have been saying to him. I explained I'll take it if it's helping the burden of his guilt alleviate. I swear to all my LS friends- I was an angel to he and his son. My heart sat on the shelf as I sacrificed my time, money, love... with no expectations of reward. I did it out of love. How could he be so cruel to me? Why? He's with someone else. Is it just his way of justifying being with her? Or is she that much incredibly better than me? I feel like my heart has a hole in it.

 

I want to change my number- or block- or something, but.... I am NOT going to lie, I don't want him out of my life. But I don't know why.

[dream2nite]

So Friday my ex and I had a plan to work things out and we talked for 2 hours only for him to come to terms and say "I can't do it." I believe he was just wanting to see if I'd fall for the games and I did.

 

The next day I said my head was clear and I just wanted something very important of mine that he had. He said no prob. He also owes me money... but we will call that a wash.

 

Next thing you know... he shows up at my work (ballsy). I walked past him - stuck my hand out, and retrieved my items and said thank you as I passed. He left and text me what a terrible person I was because I didn't say a word.

 

Then I told him I said thanks... and he disgusts me so I couldn't look at him. After that the text battle begun how I didn't love him right and if I wasn't such a bad person it would have worked. Let's just put it this way- every thing he said to me, were things by right, I should have been saying to him. I explained I'll take it if it's helping the burden of his guilt alleviate. I swear to all my LS friends- I was an angel to he and his son. My heart sat on the shelf as I sacrificed my time, money, love... with no expectations of reward. I did it out of love. How could he be so cruel to me? Why? He's with someone else. Is it just his way of justifying being with her? Or is she that much incredibly better than me? I feel like my heart has a hole in it.

 

I want to change my number- or block- or something, but.... I am NOT going to lie, I don't want him out of my life. But I don't know why.

 

I know it hurts, doesn't it? My stomach has been turnin since I lost the love of my life to my own insecurities. Sleep, pray and smile is what I keep tellin myself.

[geegirl]

This is why it's best to always step away after knowing that things are not going to work out. Emotions are at it's peak and as you keep engaging, the situation can get ugly because you start to say things to hurt each other, get defensive, etc. We want them to admit wrongdoing thinking that it will somehow alleviate the pain. It won't. It's futile. Disengage.

 

If you are upset that you sacrificed your time, money and love, with no expectations, then you should not let that eat you up. I did a lot for my ex. I helped him build and design his home from scratch, sweat and tears. Was I upset when other women were enjoying it with him. Of course. I was upset that I sacrificed. Now that it's all died down, I realize I can't place that on him. I did it because I wanted to do it. I wanted him to have a beautiful home. But deep down inside, I also did it because I wanted him to see how wonderful I was and to make him love me even more and realize what a catch I was and stay with me. I'm sure we all have hidden motives when we do the things we do.

 

But aside from that, just as you wanted him and his son to have the best. It was my choice to do it and I should have done it without expecting anything from it, especially a promise for a lifelong commitment. You made a choice to sacrifice for him and his son, because you wanted to do it. I understand it's painful that you gave yourself and you got nothing back in return, but it's a choice that you made when you chose to do the things you wanted to do in the R. You can't throw that back. I realize now that the next time I get into another R, I will be very careful in giving all of myself too fast too soon. I never want to turn around and say, "But, but I did all this for you..."

 

No one can make you do it but at least, if he contacts you, please ignore. You're still very emotionally attached and no matter how badly he treats you, you still want him, you hope, you romanticize, you deny, etc. We all go through this. But if you can ignore his contact versus reacting, you will be able to detach. Blocking and changing your number seems drastic, so if you can't do that, ignore his contact please. The outcome will never be different.

[AlisaMarie]

This is why it's best to always step away after knowing that things are not going to work out. Emotions are at it's peak and as you keep engaging, the situation can get ugly because you start to say things to hurt each other, get defensive, etc. We want them to admit wrongdoing thinking that it will somehow alleviate the pain. It won't. It's futile. Disengage.

 

If you are upset that you sacrificed your time, money and love, with no expectations, then you should not let that eat you up. I did a lot for my ex. I helped him build and design his home from scratch, sweat and tears. Was I upset when other women were enjoying it with him. Of course. I was upset that I sacrificed. Now that it's all died down, I realize I can't place that on him. I did it because I wanted to do it. I wanted him to have a beautiful home. But deep down inside, I also did it because I wanted him to see how wonderful I was and to make him love me even more and realize what a catch I was and stay with me. I'm sure we all have hidden motives when we do the things we do.

 

But aside from that, just as you wanted him and his son to have the best. It was my choice to do it and I should have done it without expecting anything from it, especially a promise for a lifelong commitment. You made a choice to sacrifice for him and his son, because you wanted to do it. I understand it's painful that you gave yourself and you got nothing back in return, but it's a choice that you made when you chose to do the things you wanted to do in the R. You can't throw that back. I realize now that the next time I get into another R, I will be very careful in giving all of myself too fast too soon. I never want to turn around and say, "But, but I did all this for you..."

 

No one can make you do it but at least, if he contacts you, please ignore. You're still very emotionally attached and no matter how badly he treats you, you still want him, you hope, you romanticize, you deny, etc. We all go through this. But if you can ignore his contact versus reacting, you will be able to detach. Blocking and changing your number seems drastic, so if you can't do that, ignore his contact please. The outcome will never be different.

Geegirl, It's like as long as I feel something... whether it's pain or whatever... he's still with me. And when I was strong for ten days I was getting over it. I even told my best friend that he strikes when I feel him fading and am ok with it. He threw 100000000 balls in my court by saying all those things. Yes... I did all that stuff for him and his baby then he has the NERVE to tell me that she's good with him. OH EFF YOU. I just want to forget.

[AlisaMarie]

I know it hurts, doesn't it? My stomach has been turnin since I lost the love of my life to my own insecurities. Sleep, pray and smile is what I keep tellin myself.

I am sorry you are hurting too. I am trying. Sleep is my enemy and smiling seems to hurt. They say fake it till ya make it... ahhh...

[geegirl]

Geegirl, It's like as long as I feel something... whether it's pain or whatever... he's still with me. And when I was strong for ten days I was getting over it. I even told my best friend that he strikes when I feel him fading and am ok with it. He threw 100000000 balls in my court by saying all those things. Yes... I did all that stuff for him and his baby then he has the NERVE to tell me that she's good with him. OH EFF YOU. I just want to forget.

 

I totally understand. They are with us because every emotion we are feeling, is associated with the break up and with the ex, and while fresh in it, you are constantly connected and simmering in it. But those feelings fade, the fire will fade, he will fade, the attachment will fade. This is normal to feel. But you have to disengage for this to happen. Otherwise you keep that simmer going on.

 

I am sure he is grateful for all you did for his son and him. I am sure he can't forget that. But sometimes people don't think about things when they open their mouth. And especially in a heated situation and each are out to draw blood, you fling whatever you can to hurt and to defend. I think the only reason he said that was to make you feel bad for making him feel bad. It's not right but please don't let his words get to you this way.

[Mack05]

First of all Geegirl great advice as always. If I was American, I would have proposed all ready :-).

 

Alisa, I can feel your pain I can. You have put your heart and soul into this relationship and this guys kid and he has repaid that by hurting you in the cruelest of ways. How you are feeling at present, is what most people would feel in your situation. What I am about to suggest is a very hard thing to do. I know you are angry and that is ok. The problem is while you obsess about the relationship like you are doing at the moment, there is a danger this anger can consume you down the road.

 

You have a beautiful daughter. You have an opportunity to show her the correct way of dealing with the situation, of someone you love hurting you. You need to find away to forgive this man. Not straight away, but your healing should be built towards that. We all want to be great role models for our kids. Here is a great opportunity for you to show your daughter how forgiving someone who has hurt you (as much as your ex has) is the correct and best way to live your life..

 

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.

[geegirl]

Gosh Mack, you're going to let a little bit of distance get in the way of that?! I would have said "Yes!" by the way!

[AlisaMarie]

First of all Geegirl great advice as always. If I was American, I would have proposed all ready :-).

 

Alisa, I can feel your pain I can. You have put your heart and soul into this relationship and this guys kid and he has repaid that by hurting you in the cruelest of ways. How you are feeling at present, is what most people would feel in your situation. What I am about to suggest is a very hard thing to do. I know you are angry and that is ok. The problem is while you obsess about the relationship like you are doing at the moment, there is a danger this anger can consume you down the road.

 

You have a beautiful daughter. You have an opportunity to show her the correct way of dealing with the situation, of someone you love hurting you. You need to find away to forgive this man. Not straight away, but your healing should be built towards that. We all want to be great role models for our kids. Here is a great opportunity for you to show your daughter how forgiving someone who has hurt you (as much as your ex has) is the correct and best way to live your life..

 

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.

Hi Mack! Thank you. Unforgivably to myself, I have still been feeding his ego by chatting and dumping feelings. It is not one sided though. It's just a game to him. From what I am gathering- he and the thing he's with now are quite the item. She's crazy over him, but she will become crazy because of him soon enough. I am washing my hands and I am practicing forgiving just so I can love myself again.

BTW... Geegirl is AMAZING and she needs to be a relationship councilor if she isn't already. <3 You are both amazing insights to my life and for that... I thank you.