jackrabbit Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 So, I'm looking for any perspectives on this problem... My ex and I separated 1 year ago. The primary reasons for the separation were her laziness and anger (which turned out to be depression) and my inability to deal with being iced out for three long years (which led to an "emotional affair" on my part). After her anger subsided, which took a long time, we were finally able to have calm and reasonable discussions again. She had sought help for her depression and I had realized the full error of my ways. It seemed like we might patch things up, which is good because we have kids together. Then she began sleeping with one of her guy friends. It broke my heart for many reasons. She was not careful at all with this guy and thought she might have been pregnant. She reached out to me for help and I stood by her through all kinds of pregnancy and STD tests (he had been sleeping with several other women at the time). That led us to being closer and for about six weeks, things were going well. Then the guy friend (who hadn't returned any of her calls) texted to apologize. Her attitude toward me changed immediately. Since that point, she has been slowly pulling away from me. She is angry and annoyed with me often and when I stay over, we aren't affectionate. I do all kinds of chores around the house, most of which she ignores. We've been trying to patch things up for 4 months now and at this point, she refuses to want to say we're even in a relationship together, though I stay over most nights and we do kiss/hug and used to have sex until about a month ago. So now we're at a strange place. She texts this guy all the time and whenever I ask about what they discuss, she becomes angry. I tell her I want to trust her, but her defensiveness is a red flag. Two weeks ago, she gave me 500 dollars out of the blue, as a gift for "all the things that I've done for her lately". That was also a red flag. She's lost interest in me physically and she talks about this guy often. Yesterday, I asked her directly if she'd let me see what she had been texting to him. She gave me her phone willingly and I started to look through it. She's talking to this guy about wanting to run away, about not being sure that she and I can work it out, and about the new place that he moved into. She told me that she was incredibly insulted that I'd even want to look and not trust her, but here's my question: was I right to be suspicious? how can I trust someone who sends up so many red flags? is there any chance she hasn't already cheated on me? any perspective on this is helpful. I really want to work this out and have a family but I'm worried it isn't going to happen...
wilsonx Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Look, you now see Red Flags! When you see a red flag that means end a relationship where it is at and walk away. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS AND ALWAYS. This protects you from being hurt like you are right now. You are dead on right about everything, this was not a second chance you were a FWB and the second her ex reappeared in the picture look what happens. She wants to be back with him. You really need to find someone that treats you better then this. You need to really break up with her with yourself and heal from both relationships. Then you need to move on. Thats just the way it is. The cheating on you doesn't matter because you were never dating her in her eyes. She paid you for helping out around the house. See that red flag?
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