Ivana Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 WARNING: THIS IS LONG, BUT PLEASE READ IF YOU HAVE THE TIME. I REALLY NEED THE HELP. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for one year and two months. He was my first real boyfriend (I had another boyfriend before him for like, 3 weeks?) and I lost my virginity to him. In the beginning of our relationship, actually the first six months, were completely perfect. We fell in love. Our date was February 14th, 2010. Valentine's day. I fell in love with the bad boy and believe that I changed him for the better when we dated. We never fought. After that, we argued but it wasn't anything serious. Around mid December I found out I was pregnant. I noticed his behavior was changing and he was starting to be more disrespectful toward me, and my hormones were beyond horrible. No one could be around me, and I guess I reacted even worse when I saw how he was pulling away and changing to the old person he was again. That whole year, from April-December of 2010, there were plenty of girls that wanted him. He rejected them all, that I saw and knew of and I trusted him. However there was this one particular girl I kept my eye on. I knew she wanted him, and she never gave up. She didn't press herself on him too much until she saw we were having problems. I don't know this 100% but I believe she made him feel good when we were fighting horribly. Around April of this year, he dumped me. He said I was too insecure. I was heartbroken and cried for days. A few days later, I heard rumors he gave that girl a hickey. It was confirmed when I saw her, she admitted it to me and showed me but swore she didn't like him that way anymore because of how he dumped me. By that point, they already had sex and she lied to my face. Long story short, I found out they had sex the same day he dumped me (or they were already seeing each other before hand. I don't know. I refuse to admit he cheated, maybe that's why he dumped me so abruptly so he could be with her?) So now things are pretty bad. I'm 8 months pregnant and he's been a DICK since April. I always had to call him, he lost all respect for me and became a monster, never once asked about how his son was doing. His friends/girlfriends were always more important. What I'm trying to say is I swear to God I was in love. There's no "I think" there's no illusion. I know he loved me and I loved him. Things have gotten pretty bad though, about two weeks ago he put death threats on me and told me he would take my son away from me, raise him, and have someone else be called mommy. He said he wishes his current girlfriend (the one that I suspected of luring him all along) was the mother of his baby instead of me, I'm an "insignificant piece of ****." He also stated "For your information, we had sex the same day, not 3 days later" because originally I had thought they had sex a few days later. That really hurt. But, by saying those things it's like he was intentionally trying to hurt me, intentionally trying to make me hate him. There's so much more information. But I'm torn between adoption and keeping the baby, I'd have to go to a shelter if I do keep him. I called the cops on him for the death threats and kidnapping threats and I saw him at the police station today, he's being charged with that crime (he's 16, I'm 18, so I don't know if they just let him go or actually make him go to a judge and request a bail). Everything is done on my part, he has to face criminal charges. My whole point is he broke up with me so coldly. I knew our relationship was failing but he never attempted to fix it, he just went with her right away and I feel so used. It's been three months, no matter what I do, no matter how I deny it, I can't let go. There's nights like tonight I can't stop crying. An order of protection is probably being put in my name against him since he's crazy. Around November he stopped his medication so that might explain his behavior. I can't let go, a part of me still feels he loves me. Our love was so pure, so. . . amazing. I can't tell you how many special moments we had and it's like he forgot about everything and replaced his love for me with this girl. I don't understand how he stopped caring about the mother of his child, so quickly! He still did not give me a full reason of what I did for him to hate me so much. He just said "our relationship failed because of secrets and built-up emotion." Secrets on his part, not mine. I told him everything and more. Built up emotion that could have been handled if he wanted it to. I can't let go, I still have hope for us and it sickens me because I'm probably in denial but can't tell the difference. There's days I hate him, but it doesn't last long. I can't hate him. My question is, do you think he might still love me and is in denial, or truly hates me? My second question is, is it possible after things like this for love to rekindle itself or "fall in love" with a person all over again? His girlfriends texted me last week on his phone saying to hop off his dick. The funny thing is I never once asked for him back throughout this whole break-up and another girl is claiming to be his girlfriend ffrom his phone. . .it's so confusing, I thought he was just with this girl. Please help me. I have so many unanswered questions. Why did he leave me? How did he stop loving me? What can I do to make things work? Am I in denial? How can you tell the difference between being in denial or what's felt in your heart? I love my son so much. My dreams are shattered. I just want him to be at peace, to be a father to our son and respect me. I'm not even imagining a relationship because I think we're completely damaged and I don't even think he wants me, he hates me. Yes he's 16 but. . . that's not why I dated him. He changed. I don't know who this man is anymore. Was this who he was the whole time? Was it a lie? I highly doubt it but his actions are making me perceive these things. My brother saw him today and saw a blank look on his face at the police precinct. They locked eyes. He said although he saw a blank face, he felt that he was scared. He sensed fear. Who knows, though. Please help me with your responses, I'm sorry this is so long. I'm 18, pregnant, scared, alone and heartbroken.
Lucky_One Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yes, you are in denial. This guy has no interest in being your BF. I hope that your family is being a good support to you. You are legally an adult, and you are going to be a mother in a month. You need to pull up your big girl panties and take charge of your life and start making efforts to make sure that you have financial means to raise a child. You can blame this "change" on your BF because he went off his meds (what sort of meds does a 15 year old need to be on, anyway), but it sounds like he changed when you got pregnant. Not many 16 year old boys want to be fathers at that age. They want to be without baggage and strings. He played, now he is caught with a lifelong commitment, and there is a very good chance that he will be crappy father, as he is still a child himself. Start working on good, strong, male role models in your own life, so that your son has a chance to see how a good man behaves. (This does NOT mean having a string of random BFs in and out of your house, btw.) Good luck.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 WARNING: THIS IS LONG, BUT PLEASE READ IF YOU HAVE THE TIME. I REALLY NEED THE HELP. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for one year and two months. He was my first real boyfriend (I had another boyfriend before him for like, 3 weeks?) and I lost my virginity to him. In the beginning of our relationship, actually the first six months, were completely perfect. We fell in love. Our date was February 14th, 2010. Valentine's day. I fell in love with the bad boy and believe that I changed him for the better when we dated. pretty much stopped reading there except skimming to see if you got pregnant or not, and it appears you did. so you now have 18 more years of penance to do for these bad choices.
daphne Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yes, you are deeply in denial. He didn't change. He was always a piece of crap, and for a few minutes he was nice to you. Who he is right now is the real him. I'm sorry that he's been so deliberately cruel. He's trying to push you away, possibly because you are getting in the way of his fun lifestyle with the baby. Plus, he has lost all respect for you, since he knows he can treat you like crap and you will still want him back. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and shake this guy. I know you're young and this is your first love. But I've been there myself, and I learned that codependence with a first love is not the real deal. The real deal is something much calmer, and caring. A lot less drama. And NO other girlfriends. You need to focus on yourself and what to do with this child now. Make decisions that are based on your long term best interests. Not his. Do not factor him into any equation. He really doesn't want the child, and is NOT caretaker material anyway. Grieve, get through this and learn to love yourself more than someone who would treat you like this. There are no shortcuts in love. People are either good to you/for you or they're not. You can't change that. But you can change how you let shi**y people bounce you around by establishing boundaries and expecting the best, NO EXCEPTIONS.
Author Ivana Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 pretty much stopped reading there except skimming to see if you got pregnant or not, and it appears you did. so you now have 18 more years of penance to do for these bad choices. You shouldn't reply if you only read 4 sentences. That's insulting. I got pregnant, I know my consequences of THAT situation and that's really not even the question I was asking.
Author Ivana Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Yes, you are deeply in denial. He didn't change. He was always a piece of crap, and for a few minutes he was nice to you. Who he is right now is the real him. I'm sorry that he's been so deliberately cruel. He's trying to push you away, possibly because you are getting in the way of his fun lifestyle with the baby. Plus, he has lost all respect for you, since he knows he can treat you like crap and you will still want him back. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and shake this guy. I know you're young and this is your first love. But I've been there myself, and I learned that codependence with a first love is not the real deal. The real deal is something much calmer, and caring. A lot less drama. And NO other girlfriends. You need to focus on yourself and what to do with this child now. Make decisions that are based on your long term best interests. Not his. Do not factor him into any equation. He really doesn't want the child, and is NOT caretaker material anyway. Grieve, get through this and learn to love yourself more than someone who would treat you like this. There are no shortcuts in love. People are either good to you/for you or they're not. You can't change that. But you can change how you let shi**y people bounce you around by establishing boundaries and expecting the best, NO EXCEPTIONS. I believe you 100% actually, but the thing is, there's one thing I disagree on. I am in denial, but. . . I'm always the type of girl to help people. I believe this is really who he is but I also believe he changed temporarily when he was with me. His grades were amazing, he went to school everyday, took his meds, went to therapy, I mean, everyone was shocked at how well he was doing. But then he suddenly changed and I do believe this is just who he is. Denial takes over when we can't accept. I just want to accept this and move on, but it seems so much harder than that. Thanks for the reply.
Author Ivana Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Yes, you are in denial. This guy has no interest in being your BF. I hope that your family is being a good support to you. You are legally an adult, and you are going to be a mother in a month. You need to pull up your big girl panties and take charge of your life and start making efforts to make sure that you have financial means to raise a child. You can blame this "change" on your BF because he went off his meds (what sort of meds does a 15 year old need to be on, anyway), but it sounds like he changed when you got pregnant. Not many 16 year old boys want to be fathers at that age. They want to be without baggage and strings. He played, now he is caught with a lifelong commitment, and there is a very good chance that he will be crappy father, as he is still a child himself. Start working on good, strong, male role models in your own life, so that your son has a chance to see how a good man behaves. (This does NOT mean having a string of random BFs in and out of your house, btw.) Good luck. I forgot to add I didn't date him for being 16. I swear there were times he acted like he was 30. Like I said in my reply to someone else, he was doing amazing not only with me, but with his life while we were together. Once I got pregnant he snapped and this may be just who he is. Maybe I should "snap" out of denial. Not as easy.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 You shouldn't reply if you only read 4 sentences. That's insulting. I got pregnant, I know my consequences of THAT situation and that's really not even the question I was asking. these situations are all the same, that's the lesson to learn from it and there's really nothing else to say. whatever bad things might happen, will probably happen. people are who they are. so there's really no choice in these situations, when you meet people with mental issues, you turn you back and walk away. you can't save the world.
vsmini Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I believe you 100% actually, but the thing is, there's one thing I disagree on. I am in denial, but. . . I'm always the type of girl to help people. I believe this is really who he is but I also believe he changed temporarily when he was with me. His grades were amazing, he went to school everyday, took his meds, went to therapy, I mean, everyone was shocked at how well he was doing. But then he suddenly changed and I do believe this is just who he is. Denial takes over when we can't accept. I just want to accept this and move on, but it seems so much harder than that. Thanks for the reply. The truth of the matter is - people have different parts to them and people have to own ALL of these different parts. If he's a good guy for 6 months - that's him if he's a bad guy for the rest of the time - that's him as well. Simple as that. I dated a POS man for about a year and a half and half the time was "perfect" and "magic" so I just said to myself 'ok, well that's the real him and when he's being a vindictive, verbally abusive psycho...that just means he's not being his real self so I can ignore it.' Hell no. He's giving you death threats honey. You don't need to worry about the little details of why he left or why he changed. He's sending you messages that he wants you dead. That's pretty much all you need to know. I really don't think there is anything more to talk about in this case.
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