londonbloke Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 So, long story short, my gf of 4 years broke up with me a month ago. We spoke a bit over the following two weeks (usual freaking out, pleading, all that good stuff) and then early last week we met up because she had said a couple of days prior that she missed me. Things didn't go too well but seemed relatively amicable (I've always agreed to the breakup of that relationship, I just know there is another way around things), we had our 'final kiss' and I tried one last time to gently tell her that I felt there was another option inbetween breaking up and staying together. We've always been good friends so I tried to leave things on a good note. Since then we've been NC, neither of us initiated it, I just took it upon myself to take her number off my phone to help me with the healing process and take a little pressure off myself knowing that I could call/text her whenever I felt down. Day one of NC was hard but manageable, day 2 was fine, day 3 started off great but then in the evening got really horrible and Day 4 (today) feels like I've been hit by a truck. I guess it's mainly the unfinished business of it all that I'm struggling to come to terms with. We lived together for 3 years, had recently been talking about the future and had slowly over time made our home a little nest egg to live in together with love. We both had issues from prior relationships but whereas I sorted mine out by being with her, she seemed to always fight against my help in favour of sorting things out in her own head (never truly happened). The hard thing for me now is still knowing that I can help her...The past few weeks on my own have given me the time and freedom to sort out some of my issues but I'm worried she won't do the same, regardless of reconciliation (although that may be a wonderful thing given the right circumstances). Before me she seemed to jump from relationship to relationship, not really giving herself any time inbetween to reflect and grow within herself. It just seems such a huge shame that she feels she has to do this now, throwing away ME! I am a very nice, happy, funny, friendly guy with many talents and I have always been there for her as much or as little as she needed. If she needed a break for a while, I gave her it. If she needed me to be there, I was. Anyways, NC is really hard. It's hard to not think that time apart might make her miss me enough to try something else again. It'd have to be very different but I know we could make it work if she ever wakes up and sees what a great thing we were moving towards. I know the point of NC is to let yourself heal and in part I have been doing that (working out, new clothes, new glasses, etc.) but I can't seem to shake the feeling that later on down the line she will realize that she's made a mistake so I can't seem to truly put an end to anything. She still lives in the flat that we shared together for the next 3 weeks even though I've gracefully moved out so I think that will always be hanging over my head for the next 3 weeks NC (if I make it that long!)...I will HAVE to see her to sort out the flat and it's really hard to not think that at that time when we see each other, either she'll have realized her mistake or flat-out be in exactly the same place. Seems to be a losing battle either way for me The idea of her being with another guy in that time is pretty soul-destroying but I'm slowly coming round to the idea that a rebound will happen. She says that she doesn't want to break up with me because of another guy or wanting to see other people, she just says that she needs some space to find herself and that she doesn't think that we want the same life choices (we do but she doesn't realize it!)....classic GIGS right? I'll cut this off short now so that maybe some people will read it all the way through for me. I guess there is no easy fix and I'm actually a pretty rational guy so I do see both sides of the story, I'm just having a hard time with this whole NC thing. The past relationship has gone for a reason and I agree with her choice, but as much healing and forwarding my own life as I do I can't shake the feeling that we are right for each other but she just hasn't realized it yet. We both had our flaws but I've worked on mine, if she works on hers then things can be perfect. Any advice?
fauxleather Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hi londonbloke, my story is nowhere as terrible as yours, but I'm pretty sure we are experiencing the same feelings of NC withdrawal syndromes. My ex has pretty much already rebounded into another guy just 1 month from breakup. It sucks that here we are thinking so much about NCing and all hoping that they will "miss" us but somehow they just lead on life as usual. My advice to you would be to recognize that whenever you want to break NC, you are actually feeding yourself even greater sorrow cause you know nothing good will come out of breaking NC, so don't do it. I've been slapped in the face twice by rejections by breaking NC and making contact, and I'm actually afraid of doing it another time. So now, I just NC naturally because I don't want to experience that rejection again. Of course, to break FULLY from NC like not checking her online social media profiles is freaking impossible as of now and I'm still trying to achieve that.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I feel as if I'm reading my own post. You and I have very similar stories. I just want to say that the first couple of weeks are hard, but it seems to get better by the 3rd week. You'll still miss her, but you're not going to be a total wreck anymore. You'll just have bad days here and there. It does get better and I can guarantee that. Just focus on staying NC, moving on and healing. You will be okay. I'm on one month NC here. It still sucks, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was the first couple of weeks. You'll pull through my friend. I'm 100% NC. I don't even look at her FB. I removed her from my friends and hid all the news feeds that belonged to any mutual friends of ours. I didn't want there to be any chance of me seeing anything she has posted, period. I've been considering disabling my facebook altogether for a good few months and leaving the social networking world for a good while. I believe that it's nothing but a mere waste of time anyways and when it comes to breakups, it can be pure evil.
amethyste Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 It's only day 4, you're not doing that bad. Like fauxleather said, don't break NC because nothing good will come out of this. I suppose you already know that NC is all about you & your healing; it's not a magic trick to make your ex miss you & come back to you. You say she has some problems; well, she will solve them if she truly wants it. She broke it up with you, so that's like saying "Thanks, but I can deal with my problems alone, I don't need/ want your help." I bet she knows that she can count on you, but she doesn't wanna do that, so you should stop thinking that you must help her. Try to accept the idea that she's probably gone forever, instead of fantasizing that she'll come back (fantasizing will only hurt you more). Today starts my 3rd week of NC, and what I can tell you is to be prepared for all kind of feelings - sometimes you'll be sad, sometimes you'll be angry, sometimes you'll accept things as they are & so on. Your mood will vary from one day to another.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 It's only day 4, you're not doing that bad. Like fauxleather said, don't break NC because nothing good will come out of this. I suppose you already know that NC is all about you & your healing; it's not a magic trick to make your ex miss you & come back to you. You say she has some problems; well, she will solve them if she truly wants it. She broke it up with you, so that's like saying "Thanks, but I can deal with my problems alone, I don't need/ want your help." I bet she knows that she can count on you, but she doesn't wanna do that, so you should stop thinking that you must help her. Try to accept the idea that she's probably gone forever, instead of fantasizing that she'll come back (fantasizing will only hurt you more). Today starts my 3rd week of NC, and what I can tell you is to be prepared for all kind of feelings - sometimes you'll be sad, sometimes you'll be angry, sometimes you'll accept things as they are & so on. Your mood will vary from one day to another. Agreed. I'm going through the exact same process and I've gone through all the above-mentioned emotions.
amethyste Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I'm 100% NC. I don't even look at her FB. I removed her from my friends and hid all the news feeds that belonged to any mutual friends of ours. I didn't want there to be any chance of me seeing anything she has posted, period. I've been considering disabling my facebook altogether for a good few months and leaving the social networking world for a good while. I believe that it's nothing but a mere waste of time anyways and when it comes to breakups, it can be pure evil. Bingo! I believe that nowadays it can be so tempting to check how's your ex doing, because of the countless possibilities to do that. But this will only set you back. I have deactivated my Fb account and I'm glad I did it. God, I can't even believe how many horror stories I hear about the evilness of Fb
amethyste Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Agreed. I'm going through the exact same process and I've gone through all the above-mentioned emotions. Hah, we talk in the same time!
Author londonbloke Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Thanks for your help all. This website is all that's keeping me going at the moment. I guess the main things that are hanging over my head are: 1) What is the protocol for us sorting the flat? I will try to stick to NC until then but I'm going to have to see her to give keys/tidy the flat/etc. How am I supposed to do that and stick to all the positivity that NC will bring? 2) I don't want her back unless things are really different. I've come to terms with the breakup, seen everything that was wrong with our past relationship and have had enough space to see things for what they really are, and STILL I think that there is a resolution to all this that she may not have seen. Do I try again to explain things clearly after some time has passed and she has had some space or do I just go against every fibre of my being and tell myself ''okay, no worries, move on'' and throw away what could be something amazing because she's not willing to change herself for the better? 3) I'm only 28 but ALL of my friends are in relationships/marriages/have kids...who do I turn to? I literally have no single friends that live in this country that I can go talk to(/drink with!). Because of her jealously within the relationship I severed some ties with a few friends who have now moved on, got fiancees, moved away, etc. and it feels wrong to just call them up out of the blue needing them. How are you supposed to go out and have a good time when over the past four years you have been replacing all-night drinking sessions with dinner parties and quiet nights in with your lady? It seems like over the past four years, no matter what ups and downs we were having, there was always a sense of bettering the relationship, sorting out the house and moving forwards.
Author londonbloke Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 ...and yes, Facebook is EVIL. She left shortly after we split but she still has a Twitter account that I'm trying really hard to not go read. It's a double-edged sword though as I want to know she's okay. Plus, if I see her with another bloke then that's it for me (for a while at least) which may give me some closure.
amethyste Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 1. Can you give some more details about this? Why do you have to give her the keys? Do you have to do all these face to face? 2. Most probably things won't change. You can't "force" her to change (even if it's for the better), if she doesn't want to change. Allow her to discover herself alone. Of course, on the other side she might be lying about everything. Maybe she knows what she's doing and she's happy this way. I don't think you should make plans like that (about contacting her after a while and blah blah). 3. I have absolutely no one to turn to either, so I'm not sure I can help you. Do you have any hobbies?
TheHurtProcess Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Bingo! I believe that nowadays it can be so tempting to check how's your ex doing, because of the countless possibilities to do that. But this will only set you back. I have deactivated my Fb account and I'm glad I did it. God, I can't even believe how many horror stories I hear about the evilness of Fb I might just have to do that for a bit. Thanks for the encouragement.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Thanks for your help all. This website is all that's keeping me going at the moment. I guess the main things that are hanging over my head are: 1) What is the protocol for us sorting the flat? I will try to stick to NC until then but I'm going to have to see her to give keys/tidy the flat/etc. How am I supposed to do that and stick to all the positivity that NC will bring? 2) I don't want her back unless things are really different. I've come to terms with the breakup, seen everything that was wrong with our past relationship and have had enough space to see things for what they really are, and STILL I think that there is a resolution to all this that she may not have seen. Do I try again to explain things clearly after some time has passed and she has had some space or do I just go against every fibre of my being and tell myself ''okay, no worries, move on'' and throw away what could be something amazing because she's not willing to change herself for the better? 3) I'm only 28 but ALL of my friends are in relationships/marriages/have kids...who do I turn to? I literally have no single friends that live in this country that I can go talk to(/drink with!). Because of her jealously within the relationship I severed some ties with a few friends who have now moved on, got fiancees, moved away, etc. and it feels wrong to just call them up out of the blue needing them. How are you supposed to go out and have a good time when over the past four years you have been replacing all-night drinking sessions with dinner parties and quiet nights in with your lady? It seems like over the past four years, no matter what ups and downs we were having, there was always a sense of bettering the relationship, sorting out the house and moving forwards. If you can... See if you can have a friend of yours, hers or a mutual friend deal with the issues for you. Especially since you're trying to stick to NC. Don't break it. Try to find any way around having to actually contact her period.
fauxleather Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 You can mute her on twitter. I know it's pretty lame, but it helps if you don't see her tweets flooding your timeline. Then again you can just unfollow her as well.
Author londonbloke Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 1. Can you give some more details about this? Why do you have to give her the keys? Do you have to do all these face to face? 2. Most probably things won't change. You can't "force" her to change (even if it's for the better), if she doesn't want to change. Allow her to discover herself alone. Of course, on the other side she might be lying about everything. Maybe she knows what she's doing and she's happy this way. I don't think you should make plans like that (about contacting her after a while and blah blah). 3. I have absolutely no one to turn to either, so I'm not sure I can help you. Do you have any hobbies? 1) I guess just don't have it in myself to be so mean as to let her tidy the flat up by herself, it's huge! Sure she could get her Mum in to help her out but I kinda feel like I need to try and be mature about it all and realise that my name is on the lease too y'know? I've pretty much moved out all my stuff but there are still some things that will turn up when she moves out I'm sure. 2) The thing is that I don't want her to change, I love her little insecurities and issues, I find them endearing and I guess I love her no matter what. The main issue for me at the moment is that I don't think that she sees there is anything wrong whereas I can see from an outside perspective and know what she's not dealing with/keeping in her subconscious. I guess she could be lying to me and coming across as broken is an easier way to do it but she has never struck me as that kinda girl y'know? We were friends for a while before so I think she'd honour that at least. 3) The thing is that I have lots of friends, they just don't seem to be able to put themselves in my shoes as they're all settling down and having the time of their lives doing so....something I thought was in my future with this girl. I know I can go find someone else more deserving of my awesomeness, I know that I have a great head on my shoulders, am talented, funny and special...I guess I'm just having a hard time thinking that she might not be seeing all of that because of her own issues.
Author londonbloke Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 You can mute her on twitter. I know it's pretty lame, but it helps if you don't see her tweets flooding your timeline. Then again you can just unfollow her as well. Yeah I did that at the beginning. She still follows me but I haven't posted anything over the past few days to adhere to NC. The main issue is that I know her password...I'm yet to login as her but the fact that I could is killing me. If it was a couple of weeks back I'd have just emailed her asking her to change it but now I'm in NC!
fauxleather Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Don't do anything you will regret. Just mute her. Trust me. My ex muted me on twitter (kinda childish if you ask me, but I guess that just shows she's REALLY bothered) cause I was tweeting openly. Now I just tweet to my friends as per normal, if she stalks my account she can still see my normal life and all. So, just tweet to your friends as per you usually do and don't do anything out of the ordinary.
sleepykitten Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hi Londonbloke-i am a londongirl so dont feel so alone, we're all in this together. All my friends are in relationships, having kids, getting married too, and i live by myself and sometimes feel so lonely too. I am one week nc, we saw each other a few times after the break but it was all too hard. I know what you mean about that 3 week deadline looming, if you can do any of it without seeing her then i would advise that...but I know from experience it will be tough because its also an excuse to see her. Maybe just take one day at a time for now dont focus on 3 week time. And whatever you do dont look at her fb account, whatever you see will make you feel like utter sht emails to her friends mentioning you, absence of any mention, anything, dont do it.
Author londonbloke Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 So I broke NC on day 5. I had to go to our old house to grab some things...she still lives there for a couple of weeks so I dropped her an email to see if it'd be alright. I was in and out within 2 minutes and left actually feeling pretty good, I guess I also just wanted to make sure she was okay as well...I'm nice like that Since then I guess we've kinda moved to LC...we still have the house to sort out so have had a couple of emails to sort out final bills and stuff. The past couple of days have been pretty rough but speaking to her with a new mindset (having done a lot of soul-searching for myself) has been quite good and positive. Until today... We spoke on the phone and she got upset about her finances and there was nothing I could do to help while remaining headstrong for myself so I just had to stick to my guns and do what was best for me. Really, really hard. I really want LC to work, at least until she's moved out, but DAAAAYYYUM is it hard! I feel like I'm constantly having to say "dude, she's just being nice, chill yourself out" after every nice thing she says..... I guess I'm posting this for anyone that is in NC and keeps on thinking about calling their ex....Don't do it! I think no matter what your breakup was like/about, NC is definitely a good way to go about things (as much as it SUCKS)....My ex was my friend for a long time before we got together and we still get on really well (go figure why the relationship isn't allowed anymore!), but even if you think you can handle talking, chances are you probably won't be able to. I'm yet to feel like I've been taken back to stage one as many people have posted on here but it definitely puts a spanner in your own personal progress. Just stay NC, concentrate on you and be done with it. An aside: Funny how whenever I post on here I always come away thinking "yeah, but that's not what I WANT to do is it?"...Damn relationships, ugh!
thinkinglots Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Dont give in. Im on day number 3 I can't eat, sleep all is bad but if I can be strong so can you!!! I have my sights set on the weekend and im just thinging ahead.
English-Rose Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This is probably a bit of a cliche but it'll get harder before it gets easier with regards to no contact. I'm 7 days into it now and feeling really ok, about half way through the week I felt an overwhelming sadness that it was really truly over and that I've made it clear I want no more dialogue as it wasn't helping me get over things - not that I said it that way of course. Try and think of the bigger picture. If you break NC you'll probably feel worse in the long run and wish you'd had more will power. Weaning off a broken relationship is no different to weaning of smoking, it's an addiction and it's not healthy. I've read lots of pyschobabble about putting this relationship to rest, getting over it and moving forward and if you do manage to rekindle things with your ex, make it a fresh start without all the emotional baggage you would carry into it were you to reunite right at this moment. Be strong! It gets easier, honestly!
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