Really worried about my friend, what can I do?

[Lilmisus]

I met my friend a few years ago, first at school (she's a former teacher's daughter), then we really got to know each other at the job I was at for a few years. Earlier this year, she quit that job, and when I told her I was looking for a new one, she hooked me up at my new job - with her. Since, she has easily become one of my greatest friends.

 

During the years that we've known each other, I've seen her go from one bad relationship..to an even worse one. My friend is the sweetest person you will ever meet, but the guys she dates are just losers. She had a baby with her recent ex (now one year old), at only 18 years old, and though he was with her and things were well at the beginning..things quickly went from bad to worse as his father treated her like crap, and he in turn did too. She officially left him for good over a month ago.

 

Her ex is very childish and he's not ready to be a father yet, even though he's been one for over a year now. He wants to live his life and not have the responsibilities, but my friend wants him in their daughter's life. It hurts my friend like crazy, to have him treat her like sh*t, and think only of himself when she puts their daughter as her number one priority, and wants him to do the same.

 

But..some things have happened to make her even more hurt over him.

 

-She recently found out that he has joined multiple adult dating websites (one she found out he joined before their daughter was born, apparently), and actually has his e-mails from the websites sent to her phone (his e-mail was set up that way while they were together), so she sees everything he does on there, and is disgusted by it (but he doesn't know).

-Last night, he took off on a random road trip with his buddies to New York, and she found out over Facebook. This was after canceling watching their daughter on Monday like he agreed to do every Monday (recently). When talking about it over texts last night, he cussed her out (like he frequently does) as she tried to get him to stay, since he wasn't sure how long he'd be gone for.

-Today, she found out he met someone the other day, and took her home a couple nights later to spend the night. He told a mutual friend who told her.

 

All of these factors and others have absolutely torn her apart. Though she is trying to move on from him, she's now terrified of dating again, and finds it hard to trust guys after he hurt her so badly. She has seven guys trying to date her (one she went out with the other day), but doesn't want to give any of them the time of day..because of how badly she's hurt still. She is one of the strongest girls I've ever met, but I've never seen her as hurt as she is now. She hasn't worked these past couple days (keeps giving her shifts away), and she has said that she feels like she wants to die. I told her that he just needs to get this out of his system and grow up a bit, and that he just needs time to get his priorities straight, but that doesn't help. I don't know what else to tell her, or to do for her (hoping to spend time with her tomorrow before I go into work..she asked me to call out today so I could comfort her..but by the time she asked, it was too late to do anything ).

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Lilmisus]

Oh, and I'm not the only one who is completely worried about her, everyone that we know is. People keep asking me to talk to her or to go over to her place, but it's hard when I don't know what to say or what to do besides telling her "he's an idiot..." and everything else I've told her (which is a lot..but doesn't seem to help).

 

Tonight, she wasn't responding to anyone's texts and a friend of ours was completely freaked out and asked me to call her, just to find out that her phone was messed up. I'm pretty sure one friend thinks she's willing to hurt herself right now, and because of that, he keeps getting freaked out each time she says she's not okay. So..that's how bad it is: people thinking that she should be on suicide watch just for not responding to messages.

 

I just really really wish I knew what to say or what to do right now. I wish I could help her get through her heartache - but even more, I wish I could help her ex become the man and dad he needs to be..but that's something I don't think I'm capable of doing.

[KathyM]

I met my friend a few years ago, first at school (she's a former teacher's daughter), then we really got to know each other at the job I was at for a few years. Earlier this year, she quit that job, and when I told her I was looking for a new one, she hooked me up at my new job - with her. Since, she has easily become one of my greatest friends.

 

During the years that we've known each other, I've seen her go from one bad relationship..to an even worse one. My friend is the sweetest person you will ever meet, but the guys she dates are just losers. She had a baby with her recent ex (now one year old), at only 18 years old, and though he was with her and things were well at the beginning..things quickly went from bad to worse as his father treated her like crap, and he in turn did too. She officially left him for good over a month ago.

 

Her ex is very childish and he's not ready to be a father yet, even though he's been one for over a year now. He wants to live his life and not have the responsibilities, but my friend wants him in their daughter's life. It hurts my friend like crazy, to have him treat her like sh*t, and think only of himself when she puts their daughter as her number one priority, and wants him to do the same.

 

But..some things have happened to make her even more hurt over him.

 

-She recently found out that he has joined multiple adult dating websites (one she found out he joined before their daughter was born, apparently), and actually has his e-mails from the websites sent to her phone (his e-mail was set up that way while they were together), so she sees everything he does on there, and is disgusted by it (but he doesn't know).

-Last night, he took off on a random road trip with his buddies to New York, and she found out over Facebook. This was after canceling watching their daughter on Monday like he agreed to do every Monday (recently). When talking about it over texts last night, he cussed her out (like he frequently does) as she tried to get him to stay, since he wasn't sure how long he'd be gone for.

-Today, she found out he met someone the other day, and took her home a couple nights later to spend the night. He told a mutual friend who told her.

 

All of these factors and others have absolutely torn her apart. Though she is trying to move on from him, she's now terrified of dating again, and finds it hard to trust guys after he hurt her so badly. She has seven guys trying to date her (one she went out with the other day), but doesn't want to give any of them the time of day..because of how badly she's hurt still. She is one of the strongest girls I've ever met, but I've never seen her as hurt as she is now. She hasn't worked these past couple days (keeps giving her shifts away), and she has said that she feels like she wants to die. I told her that he just needs to get this out of his system and grow up a bit, and that he just needs time to get his priorities straight, but that doesn't help. I don't know what else to tell her, or to do for her (hoping to spend time with her tomorrow before I go into work..she asked me to call out today so I could comfort her..but by the time she asked, it was too late to do anything ).

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Tell her she needs to take a break from men and concentrate on her child and raising that child. She doesn't need the frustration and uncertainty of dating right now. The bio dad is not ready to be a father. Not mature enough. The sooner she stops trying to make him into a mature father, the less frustrated she'll be. Maybe someday, he'll grow up and realize what his priorities should be, and he'll come back to her, but for now, she's setting her hopes and expectations on a guy that isn't ready for that. She can't force him to be something that he's not.