novaconsultant1 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Apologies in advance for the lengthy post. I am a single dad with a 2-yr old daughter. My ex ended our 10-yr marriage after she fell in love with someone. For several months, I tried to convince her to stay in the marriage. I did not disclose our problems to family or friends since I did not want any prejudice held against her, should she decide to stay. I work closely with an office colleague, L. While we got along well, our association was strictly professional. I had been depressed for a while and desperately needed to speak with someone. I confided in L and sought her perspective. She has been married for 3 years. We became close friends and she disclosed her share of marital issues. We gradually fell in love. We are compatible and connect at many levels. I can sense she is very happy when we are together. She feels a strong emotional bond with me that is lacking in her marriage. She sometimes cries after we make love because she never feels the connection with her husband. L cannot relate with her husband in many ways. He is a nice guy as far as family and friends are concerned. However to his wife, he is selfish and uncaring about her desires and aspirations. He wants to start a family immediately, even if it means putting a stop to her nascent career. He is lazy and does not help around the house. He is not supportive of her. L has no confidence in him. She feels her life may become unbearably hard if she has kids with this person. I encouraged her to try and fix things with her husband before calling it quits. She has been trying to get him to change. Sometimes he listens and sometimes he remains the same. I can see her mindset change accordingly. L says she wants to be with me. However, she is scared to walk out of her marriage. She is very worried about the impact to her reputation and to her family, friends, and co-workers. Her parents will be devastated if she leaves her husband for another man. She says she will do it if we plan everything carefully but she sounds skeptical. I know she has had exploratory conversations with her mom and sister. She showed me her sisters email response which was on the lines of "Don't do it. Every marriage has its share of woes, etc". She was scared off by the initial family reaction and did not initiate further conversation on the topic. The dilemma I am having is, does she really love me and is she seriously considering walking out of her marriage? Or is she mainly interested in getting her unfulfilled desires satisfied before starting a family with her husband? Our relationship started when I was emotionally vulnerable. My priority is my daughter, and I do not want to get hurt again. Thank you for reading.
Heart On Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Walk away now,and tell her that when she is divorced and the ink is dried you will consider re-starting this on a legitimate playing field. Until then,no contact with her.NONE! If she loves you,her actions will match her words. Until then,she is simply using you to fill the void and there is no way she can work on her marriage while she is seeing you and having sex with you.No WAY! It takes alot to have the courage of your convictions. Some people have it,some don't. I left my M for a MM and he stayed with his wife. At least she doesn't have that issue to worry about. You are waiting with your arms open for her, I assume, if she does take that leap of faith? It's possible to overcome the judgement of others if the situation is bad enough to risk change for. But sometimes,we jump from the frying pan into the fire and that burns deeper. If you are sincere about encouraging her to work on her marriage then you can't see her,have sex with her or even talk to her anymore. Tell her that she can NOT change anyone,she can only change her reaction to them.She either loves him AS HE IS,or walks away knowing she can NOT change him. Good luck imposing NC and giving up the void she fills in your life.
chalkfarm Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 My priority is my daughter, and I do not want to get hurt again. Thank you for reading. You will. People will get angry that I have made such a definitive statement so - it is most likely that you will get creamed.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Apologies in advance for the lengthy post. I am a single dad with a 2-yr old daughter. My ex ended our 10-yr marriage after she fell in love with someone. For several months, I tried to convince her to stay in the marriage. I did not disclose our problems to family or friends since I did not want any prejudice held against her, should she decide to stay. I work closely with an office colleague, L. While we got along well, our association was strictly professional. I had been depressed for a while and desperately needed to speak with someone. I confided in L and sought her perspective. She has been married for 3 years. We became close friends and she disclosed her share of marital issues. We gradually fell in love. We are compatible and connect at many levels. I can sense she is very happy when we are together. She feels a strong emotional bond with me that is lacking in her marriage. She sometimes cries after we make love because she never feels the connection with her husband. L cannot relate with her husband in many ways. He is a nice guy as far as family and friends are concerned. However to his wife, he is selfish and uncaring about her desires and aspirations. He wants to start a family immediately, even if it means putting a stop to her nascent career. He is lazy and does not help around the house. He is not supportive of her. L has no confidence in him. She feels her life may become unbearably hard if she has kids with this person. I encouraged her to try and fix things with her husband before calling it quits. She has been trying to get him to change. Sometimes he listens and sometimes he remains the same. I can see her mindset change accordingly. L says she wants to be with me. However, she is scared to walk out of her marriage. She is very worried about the impact to her reputation and to her family, friends, and co-workers. Her parents will be devastated if she leaves her husband for another man. She says she will do it if we plan everything carefully but she sounds skeptical. I know she has had exploratory conversations with her mom and sister. She showed me her sisters email response which was on the lines of "Don't do it. Every marriage has its share of woes, etc". She was scared off by the initial family reaction and did not initiate further conversation on the topic. The dilemma I am having is, does she really love me and is she seriously considering walking out of her marriage? Or is she mainly interested in getting her unfulfilled desires satisfied before starting a family with her husband? Our relationship started when I was emotionally vulnerable. My priority is my daughter, and I do not want to get hurt again. Thank you for reading. So what you are really asking is she just like your wife? Is she is so in love that she will betray her vows, hurt her husband and have him begging for her to stay after he keeps it quiet to protect her from family opinions....just like your wife? You are asking if his pain(like yours) means she loves you enough to put him and his family in that situation? I don't know.....could be.
Emme Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 The question you should be asking yourself is if you truly love her. As you've said this affair began because you were emotionally vulnerable. How do you know that your emotions are not intensified due to the catastrophe of your marriage ending. You have fallen for a woman who gave you the attention you needed. From your post it seems you didn't give yourself some healing time. Give yourself the space to make decisions about the new single life you'll be living. You have to do that. End the relationship. Know that you took the time to discover the NEW you. The SINGLE you. You have to date and see what is out there. Don't use her as a security blanket because you might get hurt again in this love jungle. Think of it that way. You have had no room to grow. Give yourself that time and space. Not only for you but for your daughter. Whatever woman you will bring into her life make sure that woman isn't just a "rebound". The best advice I can tell you is explain the situation the way I have to this woman you claim to love and ask her if she wouldn't want to find her true self first before attempting another love interest. Being alone sometimes is a good thing. Gives you time to clear your head.
Woggle Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 So after all the pain you went through with your ex you go and help another woman do the same thing to her husband? If you end up with her it won't be long before you will be selfish and uncaring once the novelty of an affair is gone. Look at marriages where a woman cheats and pretty much every betrayed man is considered selfish and uncaring. Why would you do this to another man who is in the same situation that you were? It seems you are picking the same kind of woman again.
Heart On Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 (edited) So what you are really asking is she just like your wife? Is she is so in love that she will betray her vows, hurt her husband and have him begging for her to stay after he keeps it quiet to protect her from family opinions....just like your wife? You are asking if his pain(like yours) means she loves you enough to put him and his family in that situation? I don't know.....could be. Hey....Put down that snide 2x4. Someone's gonna get hurt Brokennotbent. Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner. This statement is incorrect. The problem is that OM/OW are involved with un-committed partners. The question you should be asking yourself is if you truly love her. As you've said this affair began because you were emotionally vulnerable. How do you know that your emotions are not intensified due to the catastrophe of your marriage ending. You have fallen for a woman who gave you the attention you needed. From your post it seems you didn't give yourself some healing time. Give yourself the space to make decisions about the new single life you'll be living. You have to do that. End the relationship. Know that you took the time to discover the NEW you. The SINGLE you. You have to date and see what is out there. Don't use her as a security blanket because you might get hurt again in this love jungle. Think of it that way. You have had no room to grow. Give yourself that time and space. Not only for you but for your daughter. Whatever woman you will bring into her life make sure that woman isn't just a "rebound". The best advice I can tell you is explain the situation the way I have to this woman you claim to love and ask her if she wouldn't want to find her true self first before attempting another love interest. Being alone sometimes is a good thing. Gives you time to clear your head. Great advice! Your daughters life is at risk already being that you are having sex with a woman whose husband may find out,and may just take her betrayals of him out on YOU! Step back. Edited July 10, 2011 by Heart On
Cabin Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 She isn't leaving her husband, sounds like she has told you as much. Let's call it what it is. She is having an affair with you. Of course she tells you her husband is selfish and uncaring. That's the MO of the cheating spouse. You certainly didn't expect her tell you that he's a wonderful, caring selfless, hot man, did you? She has to say these things to justify (in her mind )having a sexual/emotional relationship with you. We don't know that she isn't leaving her husband. I am leaving my H to be with my AP. It does happen. And the second point, about cheating partners saying negative things about their "betrayed" spouse... time and time again I see it stated on this forum that BSs are only "painted" negatively by the WS and the implication is that BSs everywhere are these wonderful, caring, giving, lovely, gorgeous people. If BSs were SO wonderful and their Ms were SO strong, no one would step out on them. She is obviously unhappy in her marriage or she wouldn't be in the A.
Cabin Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 So after all the pain you went through with your ex you go and help another woman do the same thing to her husband? If you end up with her it won't be long before you will be selfish and uncaring once the novelty of an affair is gone. It IS possible that after going through his Ws infidelity, he understands that love and relationships are not as simple as some would like to believe... he may be more open to REALITY. And it is illogical to imply that because her H might actually be selfish and uncaring, that he'll be dubbed the same down the road.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hey....Put down that snide 2x4. Someone's gonna get hurt Brokennotbent. . Thank You. I have a new name to add to my resume.:lmao::lmao:
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 It IS possible that after going through his Ws infidelity, he understands that love and relationships are not as simple as some would like to believe... he may be more open to REALITY. And it is illogical to imply that because her H might actually be selfish and uncaring, that he'll be dubbed the same down the road. Or just plain ole cowardly or selfish or living in a fantasy...it's all a possibility.
Cabin Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Just divorce, be free to start over and fack with wild abandon. Oh I do love this! It made me laugh wholeheartedly!!
Woggle Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 If BSs were SO wonderful and their Ms were SO strong, no one would step out on them. She is obviously unhappy in her marriage or she wouldn't be in the A. Because we all know that cheating spouses have such wonderful taste. A friend of mine had his fiance leave him for a convicted rapist and a coworker had his fiance cheat on with a twice convicted batterer. If you want to reverse the genders my wife's ex fiance left her for a woman that cheats on him left and right. She is unhappy but it might be because some people are incapable of being in a healthy relationship.
Author novaconsultant1 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 My advice; if you truly love her, let her be. Require her to fix her marriage or do the work to get out. She obviously loved this man once (may still) and owes him 100% of her time, attention, affection, emotion; and 100% honesty. All in or all out. Thank you for your insight, wisernow. I do love her. She has many qualities that appeal to me. She was very supportive during a bad phase of my life. I feel like she genuinely loves me. I can see that in her eyes. She is usually very reserved and impassive, to the point that many people think she is arrogant and avoid her. However, when we are together, she is very affectionate and expressive. That said, I have stopped myself from falling blindly in love. I cannot love her with all my heart until I am sure she loves me. I guess the only way to find out is to stop seeing her until she walks out?
Author novaconsultant1 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Tell her that she can NOT change anyone,she can only change her reaction to them.She either loves him AS HE IS,or walks away knowing she can NOT change him. That is spot on. Loved the way you put that across. Thank you.
Author novaconsultant1 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 The question you should be asking yourself is if you truly love her. As you've said this affair began because you were emotionally vulnerable. How do you know that your emotions are not intensified due to the catastrophe of your marriage ending. You have fallen for a woman who gave you the attention you needed. From your post it seems you didn't give yourself some healing time. Give yourself the space to make decisions about the new single life you'll be living. You have to do that. End the relationship. Know that you took the time to discover the NEW you. The SINGLE you. You have to date and see what is out there. Don't use her as a security blanket because you might get hurt again in this love jungle. Think of it that way. You have had no room to grow. Give yourself that time and space. Not only for you but for your daughter. Whatever woman you will bring into her life make sure that woman isn't just a "rebound". The best advice I can tell you is explain the situation the way I have to this woman you claim to love and ask her if she wouldn't want to find her true self first before attempting another love interest. Being alone sometimes is a good thing. Gives you time to clear your head. I love her but because of her marital status I am trying to guard myself. I will be sad and depressed if we don't end up together, but my life won't go to pieces. I have tried to analyze my feelings to see if she is simply a rebound. However, she really has most of the good qualities that I would want to see in my significant other. She is intelligent, hard-working, attractive, funny, etc. I feel like I didn't just fall for the first woman I met. You may be correct that I am probably holding on to her as a security blanket of sorts. After all, I haven't dated in 12 years. So that is a scary prospect. Maybe I am just scared of being lonely.
Author novaconsultant1 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 She is obviously unhappy in her marriage or she wouldn't be in the A. Cabin, thank you. You are correct. She is definitely unhappy in her marriage. I have no doubts there. But, how do I determine if she is unhappy enough to walk out? If she is not going to walk out, then I want to put an end to this right away.
anne1707 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 If BSs were SO wonderful and their Ms were SO strong, no one would step out on them. She is obviously unhappy in her marriage or she wouldn't be in the A. I don't see why there is the need for an attack on BSs As for your comment that the marriage must be unhappy if she is having an affair, this is purely an assumption and may very well be wrong. I was definitely not unhappy in my marriage yet I had an affair. Don't build up false hope based on an assumption.
Heart On Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Cabin, thank you. You are correct. She is definitely unhappy in her marriage. I have no doubts there. Personally,there was no way in hell I would have ever risked my entire life,heart,mind and body on anyone,let alone a MM,if I was happy in my marriage.I waited for 14 years for my xH to "change" and I finally realized, he wouldn't,and I had to find the courage to change my reaction to him. But, how do I determine if she is unhappy enough to walk out? Ask her.If she is wavering and continues to go "home",know that even though some people are miserable in thier marriages,they don't always have the courage to leave.All you can really go by is her actions,not her words.Talk is cheap,no? How long as this affair been going on? And how long do you intend on waiting? It really doesn't matter what SHE is going to do if you can't handle being her "go to man" without any hope of a future together. You could always risk giving her an ultimatum and meaning it. It's him or me,but I won't be your lover anymore until you are divorced. Maybe you could ask your xW what it took to finally end your marriage for some insight. If she is not going to walk out, then I want to put an end to this right away But can you put an end to it is the question. Easier said than done.Hope dies hard in these situations but only if your reaction is to ignore the reality of it all. She already knows she is unhappy enough to cheat on him, why withhold living an authentic life,even if it comes with major consequences? My motto was WHY LIE? And I fear the KNOWN more than the UNKNOWN. Thankfully my xMM's motto was LIE and DENY because he was not man enough for me as it turned out. Seems to me,for a percentage of people who engage in EMR's,there are alot more who's intend is not to leave thier marriage,but to fill a void and that's it. It's ALL about hidden agenda's and misinformation that keeps us hoping against hope sometimes.And she will keep you hidden on the sidelines as long as you allow her to. If you think you were vulnerable when you two met,just wait until a year or two go by and she goes home and leaves you for emotional dead! It hurts like HELL to invest in someone who says they love you,but doesn't follow thru with what they start!!!!!!!!
TurboGirl Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Nova, If you continue on here you will get hurt. REALLY HURT. You were vulnerable... you confided, she confided... you "comforted" each other. Yippee, the start of an affair. Honestly you both sound pretty confused here to me. I think you know that you are going to get slammed... honestly I don't think she will leave. She's been asking people what to do in her family and they say "don't" so... IMHO if she is asking people she is not sure about what she really wants in her heart. She wants someone to tell her what to do. I'm sure the sex was great when she married her husband. And he's probably a nice guy... but she won't tell you that. Your daughter needs to be your primary focus here. You are so lucky to have her. Suggest a halt to this A... for your personal life and for your professional life. Never good to mix. Keep in mind that she is cheating on her H with you, and probably not being completely honest with you about the state of her marriage. Suggesting telling her you need to take a step back because she is Married... and you need to protect yourself. Then see what happens.
Memphis Raines Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Personally,there was no way in hell I would have ever risked my entire life,heart,mind and body on anyone,let alone a MM the masseuse you had an affair with was a married man, was he not?
CrashnBurn2142 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Dude, I am speaking from 5 years of experience, She will not leave. She keeps you around because you give her what her husband is lacking. In my experience for 5+years I was told over and over.. how horrible her pain-pill addicted husband was.. how mentally abusive he was.. and how she just couldn't imagine life without me. I was her soul mate she said.. 3 times she told me she was going to leave him... 1st time she left him a note.. and went to her cousin's house to stay.. only to return to him at 3am because she said he found out about US and was going to hurt someone. So she ended it.. only to pick it up 2 weeks later.. saying she couldn't live without me.. 3 more months went by and she told him she was leaving to be with me.. he even gave her permission to leave. But seeing him so upset.. she told me she couldn't.. and that she still loved him. so.. skip ahead a few more months.. she then said for sure this time.. she is leaving... they lost the house to for-closure.. she has only 2 weeks left .. she packed up her stuff.. was waiting for me.. then up and went back to him.. a 3rd time..saying she just can't do it.. now she's had her brother call and tel me never to contact her again.. and the police have called asking me never to harrass them.. which honestly.. since this happened.. I haven't even tried to contact her in anyway.. the only good I can take from this.. was I was prepared for it... I kinna knew this was going to happen.. and NEVER I mean NEVER again will I talk to a married or taken female. It was stupid and wrong from the start.. horrible situation for all involved. So.. save yourself some pain.. and run while you can.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 If BSs were SO wonderful and their Ms were SO strong, no one would step out on them. She is obviously unhappy in her marriage or she wouldn't be in the A. Oh, but you see...life isn't so black and white. For every WS that gets into an affair due to issues with their BS, there is a WS that gets into an affair because of their own personal problems.
Recommended Posts