spiderowl Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Don't really get this and wonder if you can advise. This younger guy (20 years younger) started writing to me via a dating site. He sounded nice and sent me photos, despite the fact that I said 'you're too young'. He lives about a five-hour drive away. I thought he was too young and don't want to get involved with anyone who isn't likely to consider anything long term. I also didn't really know him: we'd only exchanged a few messages. He wants to come to visit me and have a drink together. He says he's attracted and wants a chance. I'm not naive and I know some guys will go for older women because they are only interested in a bit of fun, but the guy has been polite, decent and respectful. The only flaw is he's been so keen! He seems bright enough and looks OK. I'm sure he could meet women his own age and nearer. I cannot see why he wants to meet me. Would a guy really be so determined to travel that distance to meet someone just on the offchance they might have sex? (I'm not interested in sex with a stranger I've just met, by the way.) I did say, well maybe we could meet if you happen to be up this way, but he couldn't even claim that he happened to be passing by and insists that he'd only be coming to see me. I feel I will have to say no, I can't handle that, not such a long journey just for me. What if we don't get on? What if we do but he still seems too young? So I don't understand what is going on in his head. What would motivate a guy to travel all that way to meet one person who has been putting them off? Is there any chance he's genuine and just wants a chance to meet? Is he weird? He does seem a bit intense and focused but he hasn't been creepy or anything. Something just feels a bit different to the usual young guys who are trying it on with an older woman.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 The only flaw is he's been so keen! He seems bright enough and looks OK. I'm sure he could meet women his own age and nearer. I cannot see why he wants to meet me. What makes you think he's interested in meeting women his own age? This guy quite likely has a sexual fantasy of having sex with his mother (or at least a woman who reminds him of his mother). This is a widespread (if somewhat disturbing) phenomenon in America these days...perhaps it's the same in the UK?
Cee Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I'm extremely skeptical of younger men who flirted with me via online introductions. It seemed too fantasy based and their attraction was based on photos. I did date younger men on dating sites and it didn't end well. With that said, I met a younger man at a social function and he acted the opposite of the online guys. He wanted a mature relationship and he proved that by being a stand up guy. There's a 17 year age difference which is pretty extreme. But it's working out better than I ever imagined. The thought of long term future is crossing my mind. I think it's ok to give him a shot, but take it slow until you know you both want the same thing.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I'm extremely skeptical of younger men who flirted with me via online introductions. It seemed too fantasy based and their attraction was based on photos. I did date younger men on dating sites and it didn't end well. With that said, I met a younger man at a social function and he acted the opposite of the online guys. He wanted a mature relationship and he proved that by being a stand up guy. There's a 17 year age difference which is pretty extreme. But it's working out better than I ever imagined. The thought of long term future is crossing my mind. I think it's ok to give him a shot, but take it slow until you know you both want the same thing. So you're not weirded out by the fact that you're dating a guy with a mommy fetish?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Relationships with a younger man and older woman are becoming more and more common. One of my sisters is married to a man 20 years younger than her who adores her, and they have a wonderful, fun relationship -- the kind I would love to have. A good friend of mine who is 40 dates men from mid-20s to mid-40s, and he has had a lot of success with men in their 20s. She was very skeptical about it at first, too, but I think she's starting to relax about the idea more. I have just begun considering younger men seriously, and I feel like a fool for taking so long to put aside all my pre-judgments about them. This generation of 20-something men is really interesting, I think. They are the FIRST generation of men who are REALLY accepting women as equals who are every bit as smart and capable as they are. This allows for a new and quite exciting form of honesty in romantic love. I think it's awesome.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 no they're not. men haven't changed. to be chasing older women they have to have a reason to be rejecting women in their own age range. think about it.
Author spiderowl Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 I must admit that when younger guys contact me, I think they must have some problem. For example, that they can't get a younger woman or that they have some weird ideas of how an older woman might be more exciting or teach them amazing things, etc. But he could find someone much nearer and younger, I'm sure. Why bother to drive for five hours to meet a woman who he's only seen in a photo? Can any young guys relate to this at all and explain what he's thinking? Should I just turn him down and save him the journey? I am inclined that way as I don't want to meet a weirdo and this seems odd to me.
Author spiderowl Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 I do wonder that, RedRussian, but would someone drive for five hours for sex? Not that he's getting sex, you understand, but maybe he's hopeful. I mean is it really worth it? He'd have to take the time out, pay for petrol, drive long distance, get a room somewhere for the night (I've already said he can't stay with me). He still seems prepared to do this. He's looking at around £100 not counting meals!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 to be chasing older women they have to have a reason to be rejecting women in their own age range. think about it. My sister's husband who is 20 years younger is attractive, loving, fun, independently wealthy, creative, assertive, generous with his time and affection, and an amazing gourmet cook. I have spent a good amount of time around the guy, and have been nothing but impressed with him. I really have to fight not to be envious, in fact! My sister and her daughter have told me many times that he is amazing to both of them, and he has transformed their lives. Maybe he likes being with her because she really appreciates what he brings to the table, and women his own age don't. I don't know. But he is quite a catch, and I'm sure he could get a woman in any age bracket he wanted.
thatone Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Maybe he likes being with her because she really appreciates what he brings to the table, and women his own age don't. i think that's exactly it. older women are more appreciative of younger men with potential. younger women haven't gotten over their princess complexes yet. doesn't mean the men are different, just means they're looking elsewhere because younger women are different than they used to be.
rafallus Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I agree. Most girls in theirs early 20s, unless hideous, know that they can have nearly any guy in the world. Older women, with their biological clocks working against them, can appreciate stuff younger girls laugh or roll their eyes at.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I agree. Most girls in theirs early 20s, unless hideous, know that they can have nearly any guy in the world. Older women, with their biological clocks working against them, can appreciate stuff younger girls laugh or roll their eyes at. I think I've always appreciated the men in my life. I treat my man very well, and do my best to recognize his strengths and downplay his weaknesses. Not only is this better for him, I think it's better for me, too. When you recognize the good, it tends to amplify. Consistent feedback that I've gotten from men is, "I've never felt more like a man than I do with you." Which is awesome! But I appreciate a good guy even more now. I also have learned that things are almost never as big a deal as you think they are. Things that might have made me worry and nitpick in my 20s don't worry me nearly so much anymore. I don't make a big deal or nag about things. I understand that they're generally going to play out as they are, and no amount of worrying or trying to control things is going to change the outcome.
Author spiderowl Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 I appreciate all the replies - thanks. Most girls in theirs early 20s, unless hideous, know that they can have nearly any guy in the world. Older women, with their biological clocks working against them, can appreciate stuff younger girls laugh or roll their eyes at. I'm afraid I'd have to disagree with the above. Most girls don't know that at all; I certainly didn't when I was that age. Nor would I, as an older woman, appreciate stuff that younger girls would laugh at or roll their eyes at. It all depends, of course. If the guys' behaviour shows intelligence and maturity, then maybe yes. If it shows immaturity or lack of intelligence or respect, then no way. If anything, older women may be more choosy as they have the experience to see through the posturing. I am not likely to be impressed with a guy purporting to be an authority on something, for example. I'd have to know he was an authority, rather than being impressed if he spouts forth on his area of expertise. I'm much more discerning than I ever was when younger. I'm not impressed with arrogance, show-offs, bravado, strutting, paternalism, wealth, or anything which doesn't imply a relationship between equals. And it has absolutely nothing to do with biological clocks. I've had my children and that's no longer relevant for me. I'm interested in freedom and enjoying life with someone decent and respectful.
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