Changing behaviour to influence partner

[QuestionsGuy]

So here is a question for you loveshackers.

 

I sometimes see or hear advice being given that involves changing your own behaviour in order to influence your partner.

 

An example would be for someone who is experiencing their partner not being as excited about spending time together as the months/years go by and said partner not initiating contact or activities together.

 

An advice i sometimes see is to 'become busy' or focus on other things while avoiding initiating contact or activities, thereby letting the partner 'miss you' and get hungry for attention.

 

Another would be to spend time with friends of the opposite sex to make the other partner get a bit 'territorial' and clingy.

 

A really weird one i sometimes hear is to sometimes stop being nice to the woman for a short short while so she doesnt take the kindness and sweet things for granted.

 

Are these approaches considered dangerous mindgames or natural ways to keep the interest level high? Personally, i find them a bit underhanded though i sometimes 'pull back' for a day and do my own thing and stop saying sweet things or give signs of affection, purposely not initiating any contact etc until my girlfriend takes the first step and asks to do something together and gives me intimacy / attention / affection first. Mind you that i never ignore her and i return any affection and attention in equal measure, just not initiating anything.

This is something i only do if she doesnt seem particularly enthousiastic about doing something together and i dont want to seem clingy or taken for granted.

 

But is this healthy, or morally wrong/right? Childish?

 

Discuss

Edited July 10, 2011 by QuestionsGuy

[rafallus]

They are mindgames, and of stupid kind.

 

A person should have a life anyway, intentionally rubbing it in partner's face is disrespectful.

[grkBoy]

I'll be honest, whenever I even remotely talk about "changing your behavior", it's when the person in question is acting in a way that drives others away.

 

EXAMPLE: Guy comes on LoveShack complaining how he can't seem to meet women. Upon investigation, we find he's 50 lbs overweight, dresses like a slob, and only likes to play video games and watch sci-fi movies. He doesn't go out much at all (and doesn't like going out much), so he spends loads of time on the internet attempting to meet women though dating sites.

 

When I tell him to change his ways, I'll simply make the point clear that he lives a very isolated life and suddenly expects women to "happily accept him"...yet can't understand why women choose not to accept him. The behavior change I'll simply tell him would be to learn to not only make himself more physically attractive (working out and/or learning men's fashion), but also socially attractive...like getting away from the PS3 and DVD player and going out to do things.

 

9 out of 10 times though these guys will push back and play like it's not fair, too hard, whatever...then they wonder why the only girlfriend they have is their left or right hand.

 

 

In the case of the OP, these are mind games. I agree with rafallus that one should have their own life, have a balance between that life and their SO, and not tolerate it if the SO has issues with their life (unless the life is being unfaithful to the SO).

 

If an SO has gotten "comfy" and doesn't seem to want anything more than an occasional roll in the hay, then it's time to open your mouth and say something. If the SO doesn't seem to care, then it's time to end it.

 

RLs are a two-way street. Both sides have to give, and both sides need to know that you don't just treat dating as "some chore you do to get someone".

[QuestionsGuy]

Good replies, and i agree with both.

 

 

I wanted to add though that the only thing i do is switch to doing my own thing insted of 'chasing her' when she seems to kinda had enough 'together time' for a while.

I let her do her own thing with her friends etc, and eventually she knocks on my door because she misses me and wants to spend some time with me, which i happily oblige with.

 

Infact this allows me to finally get some me-time hehe.

[rafallus]

That's totally fine that you want to get some "me time" and give her "me time" too, but you can't make it look like you are rubbing it in her face, but that you really need that "me time", because, say, you've got stuff to do.

[Sarabina]

My problem with advice like this is that it tends to stereotype people.

 

There are 7 billion people on this planet what works on one person is not going to work on another. There are no golden rules for dating that apply to all people.

 

To the guy above who said that men who watch sci-fi movies and like to stay indoors need improvement because women don't find that attractive - is making huge assumptions.

 

I am an introverted girl who loves geeky things - I would love to stay at home and watch sci-fi movies with a guy than go out clubbing. (Just yesterday I had a Star Wars movie marathon at home)

[snug.bunny]

I think trying to adjust certain things about yourself, such as negative thoughts and/or reactions, is good. "Pulling-back" can be beneficial to "regrouping", by giving time for yourself to relax, unwind, or do whatever. Or sometimes when you're in an arguement, and tempers are flarred.

 

Doing things together, and seperately is also healthy. Influencing your partner in a supportive, positive manner is much better than purposely playing mindgames. It's disingenuous (not only towards the other person, but yourself as well) if/when you do it to keep someone interested.

 

Being able to disconnect from someone when things aren’t right in a relationship (severe offenses such as being cheated on, verbally/physically abused, dating someone who is emotionally unavailable or non-commital), is also healthy.

[grkBoy]

My problem with advice like this is that it tends to stereotype people.

 

There are 7 billion people on this planet what works on one person is not going to work on another. There are no golden rules for dating that apply to all people.

 

To the guy above who said that men who watch sci-fi movies and like to stay indoors need improvement because women don't find that attractive - is making huge assumptions.

 

I am an introverted girl who loves geeky things - I would love to stay at home and watch sci-fi movies with a guy than go out clubbing. (Just yesterday I had a Star Wars movie marathon at home)

 

I'm not saying women like you don't exist, but let's look at what's going on in reality. How many such introverted guys come on this board and others like it to complain how they can't meet or get dates with women.

 

AND...I'm not telling such a guy to give up what he likes...but expand his horizons. My hypothetical example more or less shows a guy who vastly doesn't put his best face forward and especially doesn't do enough to mingle and meet other people. He could go to fantasy book signings, shows, or even a club...and maybe meet new people.

 

Women like you are a rarity. My simple point is if I ever tell someone to change who they are, it's more to expand who they are and thus be more open and available to meeting new people.

 

NOW...some like my hypothetical example suddenly ditching his Star Wars collection, pumping iron, playing softball, and hitting bars regularly is more a drastic total change, and I'd really ask if he's happy with his new self.

 

The real "balance" would more be him investing a little in his attire, keeping his sci-fi love and hobbies, but also let's say joining a softball team, or taking a cooking class. Stuff like that. The biggest issue I've met with these guys is their entire world is very "closed" and they want to bring someone in, but most of the people they want aren't interested.

 

 

Besides...the real question here is should someone play mind games to keep the sparks going via jealousy...and the answer is "no".

[Rose T]

Besides...the real question here is should someone play mind games to keep the sparks going via jealousy...and the answer is "no".

 

I do broadly agree with this but I also think that when people have a history or being needy or codependent in relationships, they might not have the "balance" skills necessary to maintain a healthy social life and hobbies outside of the relationship.

 

In trying to introduce these elements, there might be a slightly "mechanical" approach in trying to get that balance right - and it might feel like game playing when it is in fact a step along the road to being a bit more independent or asserting one's own needs and character in a relationship.

 

Another example: when I really like someone new I want to contact them all the time, but I try and reign in my enthusiasm because I think it's a healthier approach. I don't think that's game playing - contact then usually seems appreciated because an appropriate amount of time is left between calls / texts / dates.

[robdrm32]

Before my last relationship i would have agreed that mind games are a big no-no.

 

But let's be real here, for the man if you make yourself too available and too easy a woman will walk all over you. If you tell her she is sweet and beautiful and she ditches you the next day, yet you continue to tell her those things the next time you see her, she is going to lose respect for you plain and simple.

 

This is where the "games" come in. You can't let your SO get away with certain things, so if they do something that irks you, just pull back.

 

This concept of 100% open honesty is unrealistic. If you are constantly telling someone you love them, they will reach a point where they feel like they don't have to work for it.

[rafallus]

Before my last relationship i would have agreed that mind games are a big no-no.

 

But let's be real here, for the man if you make yourself too available and too easy a woman will walk all over you. If you tell her she is sweet and beautiful and she ditches you the next day, yet you continue to tell her those things the next time you see her, she is going to lose respect for you plain and simple.

 

This is where the "games" come in. You can't let your SO get away with certain things, so if they do something that irks you, just pull back.

 

This concept of 100% open honesty is unrealistic. If you are constantly telling someone you love them, they will reach a point where they feel like they don't have to work for it.

You can however achieve this without mind games, if your value yourself enough.

 

Examples:

 

I'm not available 100% of the time to her, not because I'm playing mind game, but because I'm actually busy.

 

I don't let her get away with some stuff, not because I'm playing mind games, but because I respect myself, and wouldn't accept such behaviour from anyone else.

 

I don't tell her she's beautiful and sweet all the time, all day long, again, not because I'm playing mind games, but because it seems awfully boring and ass-kissing way to talk - again, I wouldn't talk like that to anyone else, so why should I talk to her?

 

As for jealousy game, I had a girl try that on me... It backfired, instead of fighting harder, I assumed she is taken and diverted interest elsewhere.

 

Simply put, she's not an angel of any sort, just another person.

Edited July 10, 2011 by rafallus