waytogo Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 After viewing many sides, I just have to say FWB mostly doesn't work, even between 2 S people. 1 or both's emotions gets caught in it, as sex is for most who have a reflection in the mirror, an act that bonds emotionally. Somebody is going to start to feel something. Often both. I know the wait can feel so long sometimes, but why not at least try to wait for someone of a likemind and like availability. If I had only known how soon love would be in front of me, I'd have waited so much longer for real companionship, as apposed to a very, very well disguised counterfeit of love. xMM helped me thru some tough times. While I'm grateful for that, it has left me with never being able to make up a wrong to someone who didn't deserve it. My plea is to anyone considering , don't choose a MM for FWB. He is not your friend, as he doesn't mind your life on hold for him. You are not his friend, as you know you risk the security he is trying to hold, and possibly more than he tells a FB what really matters to him. You want something that doesn't matter anyway, even if you don't drink, go to a bar. Do yourself a favor, don't get involved in another's marriage
chalkfarm Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 After viewing many sides, I just have to say FWB mostly doesn't work, even between 2 S people. 1 or both's emotions gets caught in it, as sex is for most who have a reflection in the mirror, an act that bonds emotionally. Somebody is going to start to feel something. Often both. I know the wait can feel so long sometimes, but why not at least try to wait for someone of a likemind and like availability. If I had only known how soon love would be in front of me, I'd have waited so much longer for real companionship, as apposed to a very, very well disguised counterfeit of love. xMM helped me thru some tough times. While I'm grateful for that, it has left me with never being able to make up a wrong to someone who didn't deserve it. My plea is to anyone considering , don't choose a MM for FWB. He is not your friend, as he doesn't mind your life on hold for him. You are not his friend, as you know you risk the security he is trying to hold, and possibly more than he tells a FB what really matters to him. You want something that doesn't matter anyway, even if you don't drink, go to a bar. Do yourself a favor, don't get involved in another's marriage I'm just curious and not trying to stir up anything or raise hackles but how long do feel someone should wait? A year? Two? Ten? How long did you wait?
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 This is fanastic advice, and I wish that more people would think things through and really see things from a more realistic view before choosing that path, but unfortunately most need to learn this painful lesson on their own.
fooled once Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I agree WWIU. Many former OW say they wish they had never gotten involved with a MM to begin with. But like you said, some have to experience the heart ache first hand before realizing what a mistake it is to get involved with someone who is married. I always believe we should respect ourselves and not allow anyone to disrespect us. To 'let' a MM keep you as a hidden mistress is disrespect. In affairs, many MM can't be 'on call' to the mistress 24/7. They are with their families on weekends and evenings after 5 pm. If an event happens during a weekend or after 5 pm, and you need the MM, he most likely will not be able to drop what he is doing to come to aid you. He may be able to sneak out for 30 minutes under the guise of "going to the store". And to me, that would just make me feel cheap and like a loser. MM's are not BFF's with the mistress. I know many believe that; but BFF's support you, don't hurt you intentionally, don't lie to you and don't ask you to keep the relationship a secret. BFF's are there at 7 am and 3 am. MM are not. A person CAN stop an affair from happening; it isn't an 'oops' or a "it just happened". It is a conscious decision made to sleep with and have sex with someone who is committed to someone else. Most are looking for a cheap thrill, an ego boost, some excitement. But at the end of the day, they go home and slip into bed with their spouse.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yikes.. Maybe you could tattoo it on your forehead, then everyone could share in your wisdom. Just think of all the people you could help... :laugh::laugh: I always believe we should respect ourselves and not allow anyone to disrespect us. To 'let' a MM keep you as a hidden mistress is disrespect. In affairs, many MM can't be 'on call' to the mistress 24/7. They are with their families on weekends and evenings after 5 pm. If an event happens during a weekend or after 5 pm, and you need the MM, he most likely will not be able to drop what he is doing to come to aid you. He may be able to sneak out for 30 minutes under the guise of "going to the store". And to me, that would just make me feel cheap and like a loser Yep. Though some OW, like M81 there, since she isn't hiding her MM from her family and friends for example, she doesn't feel hidden. What she fails to see is she IS HIDDEN from HIS life and his friends and family.
Author waytogo Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 I'm just curious and not trying to stir up anything or raise hackles but how long do feel someone should wait? A year? Two? Ten? How long did you wait? I don't think you are trying to stir Chalk. In hindsight, I don't think anyone should wait for someone to make a decision that's going to be painful for at least a BW or an OW and usually a child or children. Probably most ofetn, all of the above noted. In essence, getting caught up in a MP is something to avoid. Am I judging? no room to. Did I believe this before what I did, yes. For a long time I didn't see it coming. When I started to sense some of it,I thought I needed that harmless little attention that 'had no chance of going anywhere anyway'. It leaves me feeling like the butt of the joke, smells like it, tastes like it, good thing I didn't step in it. Only with all my brilliance at the time, I stepped in it also. To answer, I didn't really wait for any amount of time. I just found myself on emotional hold. My emotions were in and my contact routine. In many ways it was like having a man in my life except, well every exception that comes with an A. I just couldn't have to tell lies on some level or another to people I loved, respected or liked any longer. So I slowly at 1st backed away and then got the courage to just end it. He did understand. He didn't want me to on 1 hand, I didn't completely want to either. I do think it was prabably a relief to him also in the long run.
Spark1111 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I KNOW single people who cannot make a go of FWB. Something always suffers; either the ego or the friendship. If it doesn't, neither one was that strong to begin with IMO. When single, I would never risk friendship for sex. I would never risk sex in a friendship. I know people who TRY to have this, but sooner or later, usually when one of the "friends" now having sex with each other, tries to talk about a person they are really attracted to for a romantic relationship, the other friend cannot handle it. That's the surest sign that the friendship is long gone.
Author waytogo Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 I KNOW single people who cannot make a go of FWB. Something always suffers; either the ego or the friendship. If it doesn't, neither one was that strong to begin with IMO. When single, I would never risk friendship for sex. I would never risk sex in a friendship. I know people who TRY to have this, but sooner or later, usually when one of the "friends" now having sex with each other, tries to talk about a person they are really attracted to for a romantic relationship, the other friend cannot handle it. That's the surest sign that the friendship is long gone. i agree. I do admit I have the tinest outside R with xMM. It is not the friendship we had pre A. I have no romantic feelings. I do miss the friend sometimes. I also think he misses the person I was, that wasn't up to thinking of myself that made his double life easier. He actually was in my corner, for me to be better than that. When it came down to it, he was more like the OW than me in some ways. He knew there would be a day, I wasn't going to be OW any more. He wash't going to risk his homelife. So it was going to stop. It did turn out, it was up to me to stop it. That's done, been done. There's this appologyI feel I owe. It's just too late to make it. It really does hurt to want to appologize, yet know it'd be worse if you did.
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