Author daphne Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Glad this guy showed his true colors so you can run away from him!! He is a jerk, not some passionate political guy. He treated you very disrespectfully. He obviously needs someone with exactly the same views who also won't challenge him. I'm sure you were simply enjoying a nice debate with him and didn't expect his reaction. Just the tip of the iceberg with him, no doubt. Mentally healthy people can enjoy opposing views. Being life partners with someone who holds opposite views is tough, unless the shared value of the two is respect for each other having their own minds....and valuing the relationship over politics anyway.... I agree. 3 months is nothing. I'll get over it. The interesting part is, that with non inflammatory information and yelling, it's entirely possible I might have agreed with much of his debate!!! That's what makes the whole thing hysterical to me. I tend to not care what the political views are of the women I'm into, as long as they aren't radical in their views, because that radicalism tends to come with a certain type of personality that's really a huge turn-off. When you find more happiness and success in talking to a wall than to a certain person, then it's time to remove yourself far far away from that person, regardless of their political views. I agree. I can't do radical on either side. And yes, I think it does say something about their personality.
EasyHeart Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Getting back on topic, my answer to the original question is: about 6 months. I try not to get too attached to someone during the first 6 months of dating, because that's the time that you're learning about each other. Usually, it takes a lot less time to find out that you're incompatible, as Daphne learned, but my experience is that if you can make it about 6 months, then you can usually get along with the other person. (Which is making me really nervous, because I've been dating my current GF since January 18!)
Author daphne Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I had a friend call me up, out of the blue, and I mentioned the discussion. I told him that apparently now I'm a racist and a sexist because I didn't jump on the Walmart bandwagon without unbiased data and yelling. He laughed heartily. He's black, and he also knows where I donate my money to. Black women. The irony. And interestingly, he owns stock in Walmart. He must be a racist too. He told me it was time for me to let this one go. I have to agree.
EasyHeart Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Oh, and as a side note: if I required women to share my political views (or even be close to them) I would still be looking for my first date!!!
Author daphne Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 (Which is making me really nervous, because I've been dating my current GF since January 18!) Congratulations! Hope it works out. You have approximately 9 more days til the bottom drops out. Oh, and as a side note: if I required women to share my political views (or even be close to them) I would still be looking for my first date!!! Agreed. Who really wants a clone of themselves anyway? I think part of growth is accepting ideas outside of your normal frame of reference.
EasyHeart Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Congratulations! Hope it works out. You have approximately 9 more days til the bottom drops out. I think I will tell her to stop being so awesome. Or maybe I will just start screaming at her for no reason. Dating is hard.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Did you officially end things or are you taking his actions and "good to know you" as the parting words? I think typically around three months is when someone's true colors start to show. By 6 months you should have a really good idea of exactly who the person is. I've always been amazed at the number of people who will let politics get in the way of a budding relationship. It's ok to disagree...
Author daphne Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I think I will tell her to stop being so awesome. Or maybe I will just start screaming at her for no reason. Dating is hard. Seems to be the trend. And quit bragging! Some of us are having a hard time finding someone halfway normal, much less awesome. I just don't go there if I want something, because I don't support censorship. Nothing wrong with that. Did you officially end things or are you taking his actions and "good to know you" as the parting words? I think typically around three months is when someone's true colors start to show. By 6 months you should have a really good idea of exactly who the person is. I've always been amazed at the number of people who will let politics get in the way of a budding relationship. It's ok to disagree... It wasn't official at the time, but in my mind it is now. He has since texted and apologized, then cussed some more. Basically, he blamed me for his outburst. Not the kind of guy he presented himself to be at all, and I didn't sign up for this one. I agree, about disagreeing. lol. How many people actually think exactly alike anyway? So it seems I made out in average time with 3 months. I will know better, next time, than to get attached to someone before 6 months. If this had happened before I got attached, I wouldn't feel bad. I'd just be annoyed and forget about it.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 For me, it was 3 months. I'm pretty sure it's over after last night. I was having, what I perceived, to be a political discussion that turned into being cussed out and told "f** you." I was completely shocked by the behavior, as I had been very calm and wasn't worked up about anything or condescending. I didn't even state that I necessarily disagreed, but presented a different viewpoint. We have different political views, but I'm pretty open minded and don't like getting into arguments about politics cos it's not imporant enough to me. However, there are others that are highly emotional and irrational, and cannot stand the idea that you might not agree with them. And I really don't like irrational. Before I left, I told him his behavior was unacceptable, and that nothing I said or did warranted it. He said "nice knowing you," and I left. lol. i hate walmart, my dad built one of the first 30 wal-mart stores. if not for them he wouldn't have got started in that business and i wouldn't have been able to follow him and we'd all be somewhere completely different. does that make me a hypocrite? I am at the point where I think you just have to pick your poison with guys. But that there's something wrong with every one of them. one down 149,999,999 to go. convince the rest of these women that the fantasy daddy laid out for them doesn't exist while you're at it.
misssmartypants Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 OP- to answer the question about true colors I think you have to watch people. To me its more about behavior over time than it is about one or two big incidents, although they are important too. I look for consistent behavior in people. Because of some things in my past, people who tend to yell or get very riled and emotional trigger some pretty traumatic memories in me, so I tend to avoid those personalities. But its possible to be mellow and still be disrespectful to someone. So I guess my answer is that "it depends". I read some of the responses about Walmart and while I understand why people hate it, I actually love it. If there were small, locally owned stores where I could get in, get what I needed for the week and get out with my three kids, I'd give them my service. At the moment, the only option for groceries for 50 miles is a Walmart. Did Walmart drive the other grocer out of business? Who can say for sure, but at this point, what option do we have? Also, my dad is an assistant store manager and my step mom and step sister both work at a separate Walmart store. Kinda hard to hate on a company that has actually bent over backward to help out my family. (In the form of free training and allowing the adults to move from one store to another with out loosing their jobs.) Anyway, my two cents for what they are worth.
Author daphne Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 OP- to answer the question about true colors I think you have to watch people. To me its more about behavior over time than it is about one or two big incidents, although they are important too. I look for consistent behavior in people. Because of some things in my past, people who tend to yell or get very riled and emotional trigger some pretty traumatic memories in me, so I tend to avoid those personalities. But its possible to be mellow and still be disrespectful to someone. So I guess my answer is that "it depends". I look at the overall picture too. However, having someone tell you to f** yourself exceeds my limit in patience and respect for the person. I'm the same with yelling and emotional outbursts. Growing up, there was a lot of chaos and, as a result, I choose to limit the people around me to those who aren't looking for a fight. I prefer peace. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of this and think I'm a pacifist. Not so. I won't be pushed around either. Interesting how he told me that one of the things he really liked about me is that I'm even keeled and I don't like fighting. He said he hates fighting too. hmm... Yes, the mellow disrespectful person is really just a passive aggressive one. They're not really that mellow. They're angry, bitter and irrational people that like to push buttons. To be avoided like overly aggressive ones. On a separate note, feeling pretty resentful about a number of things. This guy and his friends google stalked me. He brought me out to a party to see if they would measure me up, and kept suggesting that they needed to make sure I wasn't like his last psycho ex. Then told me I did "pretty good" at being social for his clients. It was getting to be exhausting. I'm not so sure I'll be so understanding of someone who has his issues holding me under a magnifying glass like that again.
misssmartypants Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I look at the overall picture too. However, having someone tell you to f** yourself exceeds my limit in patience and respect for the person. I'm the same with yelling and emotional outbursts. Growing up, there was a lot of chaos and, as a result, I choose to limit the people around me to those who aren't looking for a fight. I prefer peace. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of this and think I'm a pacifist. Not so. I won't be pushed around either. Interesting how he told me that one of the things he really liked about me is that I'm even keeled and I don't like fighting. He said he hates fighting too. hmm... Yes, the mellow disrespectful person is really just a passive aggressive one. They're not really that mellow. They're angry, bitter and irrational people that like to push buttons. To be avoided like overly aggressive ones. On a separate note, feeling pretty resentful about a number of things. This guy and his friends google stalked me. He brought me out to a party to see if they would measure me up, and kept suggesting that they needed to make sure I wasn't like his last psycho ex. Then told me I did "pretty good" at being social for his clients. It was getting to be exhausting. I'm not so sure I'll be so understanding of someone who has his issues holding me under a magnifying glass like that again. Oh yeah, the go eff yourself thing definitely drew a line. Sounds like he expects you to agree with him all the time and he plans to use you as a social prop. I would be done.
RedRussian8080 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 You would be talking about expecting someone to agree with someone on everything...
spiderowl Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 As for the answer, there's something to that. He had a party and threw a drink on a guy for kissing him on the cheek. Whereas, it did appear the guy was trying to flirt with me and push his buttons, I was shocked by his reaction and put it in the wait and see category. Seems an extreme thing to do but he obviously felt threatened. I think he was incredibly rude to you. You may (?) have been playing devil's advocate - I don't know if that's what you implied or not - but all the same, he didn't need to be rude. You don't say things like that to a loved one. This google stalking thing sounds odd as well, especially if you felt it some kind of pressure. I'm very wary of guys who have crazy exs too. I wonder whether they were genuinely crazy or whether his behaviour caused them to react strongly in some way. It would certainly fit if he pulled this kind of behaviour on them. It's hard in your position to just ignore it and not want to retaliate because someone has hurt you. Some people have underlying aggression and it comes out in the end. It seems like you found out in time. I'd be surprised if there weren't more warnings though and you didn't take them seriously at the time.
Cee Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I hope you don't paint a bleak picture with past dating defeats. The good men are out there albeit there's one less available. I snapped my boyfriend right up. He showed his true colors right away although it took a few months to believe he was real. Like Easy Heart, we celebrate 6 months very soon. I tell my boyfriend that it was worth 20 years of searching to find him.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I have. I don't base my opinion or like of someone because we may or may not agree on something. Plus, I'm a swing voter. I just thought you were not inclined to knee jerk reactions and policizing something, that was not really related to my topic. It almost appeared that you were blaming me for his reaction, which was inappropriate unless I did some attacking on my part. Which I did not. I was trying to understand why people hate it so much. I hate other companies, because they screw the consumer and/or have corrupt business practices. I guess I don't understand why people hate this one in particular, for having some practices that most American companies practice (i.e. paying women less than men.) Essentially, I was neutral and was trying to look at it logically, to draw my own conclusions. Perhaps he could have shown me something that I didn't know, and I might have jumped on the bandwagon. But I won't be cussed out over trying to be neutral until I get the facts. I'm disappointed that you would even take it there. I don't like having to defend myself over an argument that didn't have to be one in the first place, or why I was cussed out over it. So as long as someone agrees with your line of thinking, it's ok to cuss some one out. Really? Seeing how you reacted to a post that was quite obviously a joke, it strikes me that you are likely a bit daft....and that perhaps there was some nuance to the "walmart discussion" that you missed on. What exactly did you say to the guy?
Star Gazer Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 In my experience, a person shows their true colors long before you actually have some moment of an epiphany where you actually acknowledge that they have shown you their true colors. In this case, this guy probably showed you his true colors in other, smaller ways long before this argument. Wasn't this the guy who was constantly checking out other women?
Joe Normal Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Politics reflects alot about who a person is. By rejecting someone's core values, they feel you are rejecting them as well. So it is about relationships. Unless someone is holding political office, their professed politics are mere words. And we all know actions speak louder than words.
KathyM Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 There's no rule of thumb timeframe. Most people try to be on their best behavior at first to impress the person they're dating. Sometimes, it just takes a few weeks to see what you're getting into, sometimes a few years, but it will eventually come out when the act becomes too tiring to maintain. People will show their true colors eventually. Just don't ignore them when they do appear. Sounds like your bf can't handle that you have your own opinion about something. You might have a control freak on your hands.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 In my experience, a person shows their true colors long before you actually have some moment of an epiphany where you actually acknowledge that they have shown you their true colors. In this case, this guy probably showed you his true colors in other, smaller ways long before this argument. Wasn't this the guy who was constantly checking out other women? I agree that people show you who they are pretty much right away. It's just that we usually choose to employ wishful thinking, pick and choose what parts of them we want to believe, and ignore everything else.
Author daphne Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Seems an extreme thing to do but he obviously felt threatened. I think he was incredibly rude to you. You may (?) have been playing devil's advocate - I don't know if that's what you implied or not - but all the same, he didn't need to be rude. You don't say things like that to a loved one. This google stalking thing sounds odd as well, especially if you felt it some kind of pressure. I'm very wary of guys who have crazy exs too. I wonder whether they were genuinely crazy or whether his behaviour caused them to react strongly in some way. It would certainly fit if he pulled this kind of behaviour on them. It's hard in your position to just ignore it and not want to retaliate because someone has hurt you. Some people have underlying aggression and it comes out in the end. It seems like you found out in time. I'd be surprised if there weren't more warnings though and you didn't take them seriously at the time. Spider, you're pretty astute. Yes, I was playing devil's advocate. I was trying to take the emotion out of the argument and look at the facts. I'm a logical person. That's one of the things he said he liked about me. I guess he only likes it some of the time. I google stalked him a little bit as well, so it didn't bother me. But he kept bringing up how his friends wanted to be sure I wasn't like the crazy ex and I had to point out that it was getting old and it was too much pressure. I don't deserve to be scrutinized because she was nuts. And yes, I am ALWAYS leery when a guy says his ex was crazy, for the very reasons you stated. They're usually emotional, not crazy. And they are often the one pushing their emotional buttons. But this ex, is bat **** crazy. The crazy thing is, other than the beer pouring, there were no other significant signs. That's why I was pretty shocked about teh whole thing. This guy was a laid back, loving, sweet, considerate guy. I felt like he'd do anything to make me happy. I did not see this coming. I hope you don't paint a bleak picture with past dating defeats. The good men are out there albeit there's one less available. I snapped my boyfriend right up. He showed his true colors right away although it took a few months to believe he was real. Like Easy Heart, we celebrate 6 months very soon. I tell my boyfriend that it was worth 20 years of searching to find him. I do. I can't help it. Most of the men I have been married to, engaged to or dated have lied about significant things or had serious character defects. This one may just be a hot head, but it's a deal breaker, the way he reacts. Even the one guy that I had my best experiences with and thought could do no wrong cheated on his wife.
Author daphne Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 In my experience, a person shows their true colors long before you actually have some moment of an epiphany where you actually acknowledge that they have shown you their true colors. In this case, this guy probably showed you his true colors in other, smaller ways long before this argument. Wasn't this the guy who was constantly checking out other women? Yes, it was the girl checking guy. We had a talk about it. He said the things I didn't hear the first time (and it was very sincere) and I chose to give him the benefit of teh doubt. It hasn't happened since. However, they're separate issues and either one, for me, is a deal breaker. I think if we're too vigilant in dissecting someone, we'll dissect everyone off the table. Other than teh beer pouring incident, he was an easy going, loveable guy. Whenever we wanted different things or there appeared to be potential conflict, we worked it out amicably. I never once felt like I was walking on egg shells with him. He made me feel pretty damn up beat and happy. So it was a scary surprise to deal with the yelling and being cussed out. You might have a control freak on your hands. I think he was less a control freak, more a hot head. Neither one of us was one to have to have our way. I agree that people show you who they are pretty much right away. It's just that we usually choose to employ wishful thinking, pick and choose what parts of them we want to believe, and ignore everything else. I think that, unless you have experience with a lot of different types of people, and have an uncanny ability not to overreact to minor personality issues, it's going to be hard to know what to do that early on. I look at the whole package. There are people I rule out within the first date, simply because I already know that I don't like their energy. I can't imagine that anyone on this board has extreme accuracy at instant bullet dodging.
Imajerk17 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 (edited) For me, it was 3 months. I'm pretty sure it's over after last night. I was having, what I perceived, to be a political discussion that turned into being cussed out and told "f** you." I was completely shocked by the behavior, as I had been very calm and wasn't worked up about anything or condescending. I didn't even state that I necessarily disagreed, but presented a different viewpoint. We have different political views, but I'm pretty open minded and don't like getting into arguments about politics cos it's not imporant enough to me. However, there are others that are highly emotional and irrational, and cannot stand the idea that you might not agree with them. And I really don't like irrational. Before I left, I told him his behavior was unacceptable, and that nothing I said or did warranted it. He said "nice knowing you," and I left. I am at the point where I think you just have to pick your poison with guys. But that there's something wrong with every one of them. I'm really disappointed. And angry, because I'm not used to being treated that way. I wanted to cuss him out back, but unlike him, I can control myself. Bazaar and rather disturbing behavior on his part. A sign of serious issues. I'm sorry to hear. Edited July 10, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author daphne Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Bazaar and rather disturbing behavior on his part. A sign of serious issues. I'm sorry to hear. Thanks. That's pretty much how I feel.
EasyHeart Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I think that, unless you have experience with a lot of different types of people, and have an uncanny ability not to overreact to minor personality issues, it's going to be hard to know what to do that early on. I look at the whole package. There are people I rule out within the first date, simply because I already know that I don't like their energy. I can't imagine that anyone on this board has extreme accuracy at instant bullet dodging.I think a lot of people either become gun-shy because of bad experiences or are so incredibly picky that they are looking for really ridiculous reasons NOT to date people. I'm sorry things didn't work out with this guy, but you did the right thing in dating him. Most of the time when we date people, it lasts about three months because that's about the longest any of us can put up a front and hide our real identity. So in that sense, i think this relationship of yours worked out pretty much the way it was supposed to. What's unfortunate is that he had to be abusive and disrespectful in ending it.
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