Living with false hopes?? Not sure, but seems likely.

[RuinedLife]

Ok so I've been stupid enough to try and keep in contact with my ex bf. And although he's my best friend and our conversations make me so happy, it also makes me incredibly sad when I know that he's probably long since moved on while I still love him deeply. And I know its unhealthy, but I just keep thinking that the friendly contact we have may eventually remind him how much he loves me too. And I know its insane, but I just don't know what to do for the best. I love him so much still and he's my best friend so I don't want to cut him out of my life completely.

 

Its been over 6 months now since we broke up and he told me that he didn't want any relationship, but he may well have moved on and found a new girl friend, I just don't know.

 

Previously I thought he practically hated me and never wanted to speak to me again or just really pitied me, and he may well pity me I guess (especially after I laid all my feeling for him down on the table again and he ignored me for some time) but today he contacted me and we just had this really long and fun conversation again and its making me miss him all the more. And because he now seems happy to talk to me again (even after I made a fool of myself by telling him how much I missed him etc) it makes me feel like there may be hope. But its likely false hope and I know its unhealthy to live like this long term.

 

As even if he hasn't got a new gf yet (and he may well have one already, I just don't know) then sooner or later he will meet someone and he'll mention her, and when he does it will break my heart all over again, I know it will. But he knows how much I still love him and miss him, because I've told him. So surely if he really wanted me out of his life forever he would just continue to ignore me? And not keep giving me false hopes by talking to me in the same way that he did when we were dating? I know, I'm grabbing any and all bread crumbs my mind can conjure up and gobbling them down as if they are the only thing left feeding my soul!

 

I just don't know what to do for the best. Stop talking to him I guess, but he is literally my best friend, my only friend and I love him so much still even after all this time, so if there is a chance that he will one day take me back I don't want to miss that chance. I know I probably sound crazy. I guess love makes you crazy. And I know I love my ex bf way more than is healthy after over 6 months apart, but thats just how it is.

 

I'm reading all these books and they all have good messages, but so far my love for him is as strong as ever. And listing all the bad aspects of the relationship and all his commitment issues etc does make me think about things more seriously, but I still love him despite all his issues and bad points and if there's a chance he still loves me in some way and a chance he'll come back to me, then I don't want to miss that chance by cutting him out of my life forever.

 

(** Just to be clear, at no point during the conversation did he say he words “I miss you”, “I love you” or most importantly “I want you back”, or anything remotely similar or in any way above the “friends line” . Yes I am delusional. Yes it is like I've been smoking pot all day long without the window open and a pillow shoved in the air vent.)

[Exit]

I've had to ask many of the same questions you are.

 

So surely if he really wanted me out of his life forever he would just continue to ignore me? And not keep giving me false hopes by talking to me in the same way that he did when we were dating?

 

Here's what you have to remind yourself. He may very well NOT want you out of his life for good or forever, but that does not mean that he wants a relationship with you. All he may want is a friendship, your companionship, being able to talk to you on the phone, and that is exactly what he is getting right now, and you said yourself, nothing he is doing or saying is going above the "friends line" right now. I've wondered the same thing about my ex -- surely she wouldn't still talk to me and hang out with me if she wanted me completely out of her life. Many times the dumper DOESN'T want you completely out of their lives, they want your friendship and your company without the need for a relationship.

 

Know what I did with my ex? Instead of just playing along with the friendship thing and hoping it would magically turn into something else, I made sure to communicate my true intentions to her, I told her "you know I have zero interest in being just friends right?". I'd give her reminders like "you know the fact that you're sitting here talking to me right now gives me hope, and if you want me to understand that there is no chance for a relationship here, you should not be here".

 

You have to create the distinction between "clearly this person doesn't want me out of their lives forever" and "clearly this person doesn't want to reconsider a relationship with me". I made sure to tell my ex what I wanted, I let her know that any time we talked or saw each other in person, that it was not me settling into a friendship with her.

 

Telling him how you feel, at the risk of him going distant or ignoring you, is not a bad thing. Playing along with a friendship when you really, truly desire more than that, is torturing yourself. How much time would you want to waste doing this, hoping it turns into something else, just to find out that he only saw it as a friendship?

 

You want to know what your best option is to try to make him realize he made the wrong choice. Well, being available to him, still giving him your attention and your friendship, is not going to make him feel like he is missing out on much. He got to break up with you, still be in your life, still call you up when he wants to chat with someone, why would he ever reconsider his decision?

 

And you need to get over this fear that you're going to miss this fleeting "chance" that he wants you back and you're going to miss out on it because you aren't talking to him. If he were ever to decide to want you back, would you not want it to be a LASTING feeling in his heart? Something he would pursue, something he would be dying to tell you, not something where he gets an impulse for 5 minutes where he feels like he misses you, and then tells himself "oh well we haven't been talking lately, I'll just leave her alone". The type of "chance" that you are hoping will happen, the type of revelation you want him to have, is not something that will be ruined by not talking to him. It'll probably even increase your chances, if he had some change of heart and thinks to himself "damn I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks, I better make sure I haven't lost her".

 

If I were you, I would not initiate any contact, and if/when he makes contact again, I would reestablish my boundaries. Just like the example I gave you of my situation, I would say to him "you need to know that I am not at all ready or interested in just settling into a friendship with you. I'm still in love with you and I talk to you on the phone and stuff like that because I still want to be with you. If you don't feel the same at all, if you just see me as a friend and nothing more at this point, it's really not healthy for me to be in touch with you, and if you want to be my friend, the friendliest thing you could do would be to let me heal and get over this idea that there may be a 2nd chance for us".

 

You really have nothing to lose. You'll get to the bottom of this right away, you'll figure out what his intentions are, and even if it gets you a painful negative response, it is still absolutely WHAT YOU NEED right now.

 

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (not a huge fan but some of the discussions are interesting) and there was a young girl on with her mother, discussing the fact that she was racking up phone bills of 8000 texts a month or something like that, with a guy. They had an on and off relationship that had gone through 4 breakups. Dr. Phil asked her if any of those 4 breakups were her idea, and she said no. She went on to defend her texting by saying even though they are broken up again, both of them still whole-heartedly want to remain friends and stay in touch. Dr. Phil called her out on this and said "You are lying to yourself. You know you want to be more than friends with him. You're trying to lower the bar and settle for this, hoping that you'll get back together yet again". The girl had no choice but to admit it. Her eyes teared up and she knew he had just revealed the truth. She knew deep down she did not just want to be this guy's friend.

 

This is the same truth that you need to accept. You don't just want to be his friend. I highly doubt he is your "only" friend either, but if that is really the case, then you need to find yourself some other companions. How can you tell if you love this person or if you're just terribly lonely when you claim to have no other friends in your life?

 

Please don't settle, and don't be scared to spell out how you feel to him instead of participating in this charade of a friendship. Either he will tell you "yes, I imagine if we keep doing this and start slow with talking on the phone, maybe we'll get back to that again" or he will say "no, I thought we were ready to be friends", or he will just be rude and ignore you again. All 3 of those options are still better than avoiding the issue all together and trying to pretend that it doesn't exist.

 

Don't be a doormat. Be a human being with feelings and a voice. Tell him that being in touch with him can only be having two effects on you, it's either giving you hope that you are being led back into a relationship, or it's dragging you down and preventing you from healing, and you need to know which it is.

 

Trust me, I know it hurts to think of having to end the friendship if it is the last remaining scrap of this person in your life. Many times I would confront my ex for an answer about trying again and she would say "no" and I would backpedal and say whoa whoa whoa never mind let's keep seeing each other every few days and just see what happens. Doing that kept me miserable for a very long time. When you put your foot down and ask for an answer, if you get a "no", you need to accept it.

[pippa02]

HI Guys, just wanted too say EXIT your post was really good! I am going through the exact same thing and your post was spot on! I too am having this "friendship" with my ex (of 5 months) which I definatly am still hoping for more! Thinking of you RuinedLife! Things will be okay! I know that going NC is really vital for me, as at the moment he is getting the single life but still having all the contact with me that he wants!

[RuinedLife]

Thanks Exit. That was a brilliant reply.

 

I know I should just cut off all contact with my ex. As most nights he doesn't try to contact me and it breaks my heart everytime. Because I'm just waiting for his next message or his next call and most of the time it never comes. But when it does it fuels my false hopes again. And when he doesn't I try to make excuses for him. Its ridiculous and so painful. But I just love him so much, I'm happy to take any scraps he throws my way these days. I'm so pathetic.

 

I really need to find a way to stop loving him. To stop living in a fantasy world where he still loves me because all the evidence is against it and I'm just ignoring reality and trying to hide from the truth.

[d'janiero]

A lil off topic...but @ Exit. How did your situation turn out in the end with your ex? I remember you posting on one of my threads and I was going through a similar situation to you.

Please could you give me an update? Pm me if need be:)

[jchips]

Ruined Life, I'm in the same situation you're in but I did the breaking up. BIG mistake I hugely regret. Exit is so right! (Thanks Exit! I needed to hear every word you said, and I'm taking your advice to heart!)

 

And I would add something that really helps me to get into a healthy space. Get out and do as many fun, enriching, interesting, cool things you can think of because it'll do a few things for you:

 

1. It'll get your mind off your ex if only for a few hours. But hey, a few hours doing fun stuff is better than a few hours sitting around missing him, and feeling like you have a ruined life, right?

 

2. It'll be great for your self-esteem. Doing things that you love is a way of loving YOU. And when you do that, you are recognizing your own value. Even if ex can't, you can! You begin to realize you ARE wonderful and what's his problem that he can't see the obvious?

 

3. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who is out living a great life. Whatever a great life means to you, if you're doing it, you automatically put out a vibe that is very alluring. Even if the ex isn't in your life at the moment, that aura you are creating is radiating from you. So he might detect it on a subtle level. Or about a jillion other guys will detect it and you'll have your hands full and who know? You might forget all about your ex.

 

The best way to draw love to you from others is- LOVE YOURSELF first. Go for it. No more Ruined Life. Just a life that didn't turn out the way you planned, but maybe even better. And I'm saying all this so I can take my own advice.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Ruinedlife, I think you should have gone with "New Beginning" for your forum name. Because that is just where you are at. I know you love him and believe it or not, He does to and he is taking advantage of that love. maybe not intentionally but he is. Exit is spot on the money with how this works. I tried to convince my ex to work things out but I just managed to push her away more. We broke up 2 months ago and I went full NC 20 days ago and it has been difficult to say the least. I only today was able to function (when not at work) normally. My ex gave me the "I want to be friends" line but she knows that will never happen (not after the 8 years I spent loving her and going through hell and back). I have plenty of true and loyal friends including another ex from 16 years ago (and that has only been for the past few years). And I have everyone here on the group, I don't need her for a friend and she doesn't deserve my friendship either. Neither does your ex deserve yours. Whenever you feel down and you want to talk with him, come back here and re-read exit's reply. It does help I promise. Most of us here are in similar situations and we support each other emotionally and that sort of makes us all a family. We have your back:)

Edited July 11, 2011 by Chuck Bartowski

[RuinedLife]

Ok, so I've been in contact with my ex again, maybe it was stupid but it happened.

 

And the false hopes are still spinning in my head, because he says he misses me and starting sending messages on the borderline between friendship and relationship (i.e. vaguely flirty comments etc, but it may be just my imagination exaggerating things) as well as discussing a lot of the things we used to do together etc and laughing about old in jokes etc.

 

I know its stupid of me to keep such heavy contact with him but I just can't seem to resist somehow, especially as these breadcrumbs seem to be growing in size each time I talk to him.

 

I don't know what to do for the best. I think maybe he just wants to stay friends with me, but I don't know if I can do that, think it'd probably be too painful.

 

In a few weeks I'm going to see him person to discuss things and to exchange stuff etc, so will have to wait until I see him in person I think, before I can really judge his feelings for me if any and whether I think I can just be friends with him.

[Chuck Bartowski]

Ruinedlife. If you are going to meet with him in a few weeks, go with NIC until then. He needs time to miss you. Being friends is not an option unless you can just settle for that from him. I made it very clear to my ex that friends is NOT an option for me. All or nothing, Period. She will attempt to be friends but I will not settle. If I am not good enough for her to love me and be in a committed relationship, then she is not WORTHY of my friendship. Same goes for your ex but always think before you speak and do not speak from an emotional state. You are closer than a lot of us here. All the best to you.

 

Chuck

[RuinedLife]

Ruinedlife. If you are going to meet with him in a few weeks, go with NIC until then. He needs time to miss you. Being friends is not an option unless you can just settle for that from him. I made it very clear to my ex that friends is NOT an option for me. All or nothing, Period. She will attempt to be friends but I will not settle. If I am not good enough for her to love me and be in a committed relationship, then she is not WORTHY of my friendship. Same goes for your ex but always think before you speak and do not speak from an emotional state. You are closer than a lot of us here. All the best to you.

 

Chuck

 

I don't know whether I'm really "closer than most", I think quite possibly I'm still just fooling myself, but I don't know for sure because I'm too terrified to ask him directly how he feels, whether he would consider giving me another chance or whether he is just after being friends (which as hard and painful as it is to accept I really think probably is the most likely answer ).

 

I know I should tell him directly that its going to have to be a committed relationship or nothing, just as Exit suggests, as I know that really is the best advice in this situation. And ultimately I will have to decide one way or the other if I can cope with just being his friend if that's what all this boils down to. I keep telling myself that once we get chance to talk about these things in person it will be easier as we'll be able to tell what each other is really thinking at lot more easily than if we discuss that via emails and instant messages, or even on the phone.

 

I told him that talking in person about all this would be best. But I did tell him how much I miss him and how sorry I was for everything, and he said he missed me too, but whether it goes any further than that I don't know, as the vaguely flirty comments could be just that, the kind of vaguely flirty comments that friends share and remenicing about old times and laughing about old jokes doesn't necessarily mean anything as that's just what most old friends do, and I may be just trying so desperately to find some deeper meanings hidden amongst his words because of how much I love him still and long for us to give things another try.

 

He also hasn't mentioned that he's dating or that he's seeing anyone else, but again I know he could just be keeping quiet on that score to save his feelings, I just don't know.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm annoying you all like crazy because I'm not heeding your advice, believe me I do know that it is best to tell it to him straight and be up front about how I feel about things (although truth is I'm uncertain whether I could settle for just friendship with him or not at this point), I'm just so terrified of how he might respond. And I don't want to fall out with him again or alienate him before I've had chance to see him in person.

 

I guess NC may be my best bet until I see him, will be so hard resisting the urge to talk to him though, as I did tell him that maybe we could talk again tonight or over the weekend. I know that was also stupid as I'm sure he can tell how keen I am to talk to him, when quite possibly he isn't all that bothered at all.

 

Even though I know all these painful facts theoretically, seems in practice that I don't really know them at all, because if I did I wouldn't cling to this delusional fantasy that I've created for myself so tightly and do everything I could to keep it alive.

 

I'm reading 'How To Break Your Addiction To A Person' - Howard Halepern now so I REALLY hope that the advice he gives in there finally does sink in and help me break this addiction I have to my ex. Because if I carry on pretending that he still loves me, when he hasn't said the words, or pretending that he wants to get back together with me when he's made no such suggestions, then I know its only a matter of time before I get my heart broken all over again in what will no doubt be a horrifyingly devastating way.

Edited July 15, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Chuck Bartowski]

Rl, If you haven't read this thread already go read it. It will help put things into perspective. I found this VERY HELPFUL! And remember, we are all in this together and are here to suporrt our fellow man or woman:)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272674/

[RuinedLife]

Rl, If you haven't read this thread already go read it. It will help put things into perspective. I found this VERY HELPFUL! And remember, we are all in this together and are here to suporrt our fellow man or woman:)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272674/

 

Yes, thank you Chuck. I have read that a few times now.

 

I just feel like I'm putting myself through heartbreak hell for no good reason here. It's almost as if I'm drawn into to the suffering cycle.

 

I talked to my ex again tonight, but he was more distant this time and made no mention of a reconcilliation. As expected I guess, but still its breaking my heart every time. Don't know when I'll next speak to him, but guessing by the way we left things that I could have a looong wait.

 

I've been thinking maybe I should write him an email to express how I really feel about everything. But then I'm not sure if that wouldn't just make things worse. And I don't really want to have to deal with outright rejection yet again before I've had a chance to talk to him in person.

 

I'm such an idiot. I should never have broken NC so many times, and started friendly causal contact again. I love this guy so much and he says he misses me too, but I don't think he has any clue just how painful this whole thing is for me, or how much I cling to anything he says that remotely indicates he's interesed in reconciling with me.

 

Maybe I do need to spell out how I feel about everything to him before I see him again? Or maybe I should just stay NC for as long as possible and wait for him to contact me again?

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. This whole thing is making my head spin. Today I was so happy because I magnified so many bread crumbs that he dropped for me into giant loaves of hope and now those are all starting to be crumbled into dust again.

 

I just love him so much. I really wish I didn't. Then it would be so much easier to just grab my stuff off him, and stay on friendly terms. But I know that sooner or later (assuming he hasn't already) he's going to find someone new, and even the thought of that is killing me inside, so I don't think I could handle being just friends with him long term. Its just too painful. Even though he is/ was my best friend and our conversations give me such a rush. I was sooo happy yesterday after talking to him, but now after tonight I am slowly dying inside as all the hopes I had for a reconciliation fade away again into despair and agonizing heartache.

[Chuck Bartowski]

I've been thinking maybe I should write him an email to express how I really feel about everything. But then I'm not sure if that wouldn't just make things worse. And I don't really want to have to deal with outright rejection yet again before I've had a chance to talk to him in person.

 

Or maybe I should just stay NC for as long as possible and wait for him to contact me again?

 

 

Rl, You need to stay NC for you! It will hurt alot for a little while but you need it to start healing yourself. Trust me, I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. I love my ex dearly but after 24 days of NC and not seeing her for over 2 months, I am starting to feel better the last couple days. It has been hell and I even thought I would end up in hospital from a heart attack caused by the anxiety. The more you communicate with him the longer it takes you to start the healing process. It's like breaking up again each time you two speak. Go back and read that thread each time you feel like contacting him. If you have to read it daily. Whatever it takes. Post here or you can send a PM to members you are connected to. We are here for you;)

[Karala]

Hi sweetie! It's been a while since we last talked... Well, you know how I feel about NC and everything so no need for me to tell you what I think of this situation -_- I just noticed it's been a few days since you last posted and I was wondering if you were all right. Please keep us informed... I really hope everything turns out okay for you sooner than later.

[RuinedLife]

Hi sweetie! It's been a while since we last talked... Well, you know how I feel about NC and everything so no need for me to tell you what I think of this situation -_- I just noticed it's been a few days since you last posted and I was wondering if you were all right. Please keep us informed... I really hope everything turns out okay for you sooner than later.

 

Hey Karala! Good to hear from you!

 

Well needless to say everyone was right and I'm now suffering major fall out from my breach of NC yet again!

 

The reason I've been trying to avoid posting is because it seems I've been really upsetting some of the other members here by my constant complaining, frequent attempts to try to reconnect with my ex bf and my irritating inability to move on. As I'm in just as much pain, if not more sometimes, than I was when the break up first happened. At least that is what it feels like to me. I've read 2 self help books thus far and I'm reading another 2. The one I'm in the middle of reading is 'How to break your addiction to a person'.

 

And I honestly have been following the advice about journalling, analyzing the relationship and trying to focus on why it wasn't working and the bad points of my ex best I can as the books suggest (although granted I haven't managed to keep NC and have committed several serious breaches now in the hopes that my ex was showing an interest in reconciliation). I've also been following advice about working towards goals with my writing etc and helping out others via the internet best I can given my poor health.

 

But I can't lie, so far I'm not feeling any real easing of my heartache, no doubt largely because of the contact I've tried so desperately to keep and the false hopes I have long been feeding off, and I'm still trying to suck dry even when its clear to most that they are dried up husks of hope unlikely to turn back into the fruitful trees of love that I miss so much any time soon.

 

I just think about my ex 24/7, dream about him every night and wake up in a panic when I realize he's gone and have frequent sobbing sessions throughout the day most laden with an intensely overpowering despair that leaves me curled up on a tear soaked pillow in my bed room.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so depressing, I don't want to feel this way anymore, and as the patience of people here seems near to breaking point with me I felt maybe its got to a point where I've inflicted enough of my continuing heartbreak on others who, like me, are wishing and praying that I hurry up and make a u-turn already and get my life back on track and away from my ex.