Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Thank you sugamomma, dlish, and dispatch. I came here to post the other day bc this is frustrating for me. For the most part I understand what I'm afraid of. At the root- I think the fear comes from not being able to trust. Him and I progressed at a lightening speed almost. I was doing my beat orginally to keep things going slow- but I was excited. There are other factors that contribute to the pace that was set- but it's a long story. Point is- we rushed in and all of my old issues came smacking me in my face. When I look back at my past- i usually pick guys that I know won't work out in the end. I still end up getting hurt but I can say- oh well it didn't work out bc of whatever reasons kept my heart from really investing. I used to only have a thing for bad boys. I mean- real bad boys. So I knew that I wanted something real so I worked on picking someone that I could REALLY care about and who would respect me. I picked a sweet guy and was with him for 2yrs. But he was passive aggressive, dishonest, and only seemed to stay with me bc of my looks- and not bc of who I am. So naturally- my trust issues started and I'd get emo. The bad boys never cared if I let my emotions run wild. When I was dating that so called good guy- who was way better than the last- I found out that it wasn't cool at all to let my emotions run wild. So- I've had to work on the guys I attract and keep in mind that it is probably better for me to go really really slow. Guys have only been interested in me for sex, how I make them look, or any other selfish reason. They come on strong, woo me by taking an interest in my interests, back off, and play this game- "on my time". I'm also working on letting my emotions pass without reaction to them bc they may be telling me something. But if I don't understand them logically before I act- I'm left wondering if I emotionally bailed bc I'm validated- or bc it's a bad habit. I really just want someone who likes me for all of me- not just the me that seems to have everything under control. Bc I don't. But for some reason ppl get this idea of me- put me on this pedastool and are disappointed to find out I'm a human being. That's why I guess I felt inclined to be honest with him about who I am. That didn't go over well. It did. When we were just friends. He seemed to just let me talk to him as a friend. But once we started sleeping together he changed the rules on me. Asking me why would I say things like that about myself. He appeared so disappointed in me bc he saw a happy, positive girl- even though I told him how much I feel I struggle with achieving a healthy balance. I remember he made a comment about liking how my mind worked bc I wasn't stressing out about something, I thanked him, and responded with- trust me- it takes work for me to not let myself stress. So I guess I started feeling like I couldn't be me anymore. When we were friends I could talk to him about anything. Now that we were sleeping together- I felt like my conversation always walked on egg shells. The more I stopped communicating- the more pressure I felt inside, and the less trusting I became. And shortly after started falling back into my normal, comfortable negative ways.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Dlish- do you ever feel like you are not allowed to love someone fully bc you feel you'll push them away. Do you ever feel like guys like you for the tough exterior and are disappointed to see how gushy and sensitive you really are? I am becoming so careful to let a guy in for those reasons. I try to keep verbalizing my emotions at bay for as long as I can. I feel like the more I verbalize caring about someone- the more control I lose over myself. Have you jumped into r/ships, taking your time, both? I'm wondering if the fear wouldn't seem so overwhelming if things were just allowed to progress at the slowest pace possible.
Dazdnconfuzed Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I have an identical situation where the girl who is my friend for over a year and is doing the exact same thing to me. You dont live in Florida by any chance do you LOL! Thing is I see right through it and am still remaining there for her. She hasnt spoken to me in a week or two, I guess she is working out her problems like you are. I jsut hope she knows I am and will be there for her. Maybe your man is too, he is giving you the space to take care of what it is you want to take care of.
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