Jadestone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I've been dating a really great guy for a couple of months. Of course- every key comes with some baggage- he has his- but I'm more concerned about mine. My whole life I've always been very emotional and sensitive. I've been acting for 8 years, and I love anything artistic and love to draw. In the arts- people will often give you the excuse of being creative when you get overly emotional or act on an impulse. As I've grown I've managed to get a lot of it under control! It used to RULE my life. Now I can manage my moods and feelings much better- but- here is something I have noticed that I'm concerned about. I function so well when I am single! Temperament is balanced and positive. But when I care about someone that I'm involved with- my little monster tries to come out and sometimes wins. I'm proud that at least with this new guy I've done much better than I have in my past. If I'm feeling a negative emotion, or even a positive one- if it is REALLY intense, I do my best to just sit with it, and ride it out until I can be more logical about it. But- this has taken years to even get this far and sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I react in ways that I'm concerned push him away. I'm also under a lot of stress due to overwhelming changes in my life- all at once. So trying to improve my character with the challenge of worrying about where my next meal will come from has made it a bit more difficult. I acted up last Sunday and pushed him away bc of fear. Later I explained my actions, but bc I'm not happy with the way I acted- and very concerned about controlling it- I asked him if we could just slow things down. I've asked him if we can just take the sex out. I hope it will help me feel less overwhelmed and give me more time to just let myself trust him and get to know him without sex. This is has just been painful and exhausting bc I really care about this guy. He is so compatible with me. We are still in the early stages of dating and I don't want to NOT give him a good time, but I also feel like I need to be honest with him about what goes on in my inner world and how I struggle with it. I want to communicate with him bc I don't want to push him away, but I'm concerned that it JUST might push him away. Any suggestions?
TheCoolest Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 No offense but i knew all actors were crazy. I'm decent at acting but all the good ones are loonies. Sounds like your problem is that you are trying to act your way through life. You can't sit there and try to ride out your emotions because they make you act a bit crazy. You shouldn't be trying to fit into a model of what is normal in todays society. Like i understand when you are in high school and you want to fit in. But you are a grown woman. You gotta live your life. And you gotta find someone who appreciated you for who you are. Who you really are not who you pretend to be. Your personality isn't something you can or that you should try to change. You can change your body. You can change all the physical attributes about yourself. But your personality isn't something you should tweak. Because that is you. And if you are with someone who doesn't love you for your true personality you are never going to be happy. Unless you really want to put on a show for the rest of your life. I suggest you tell him what you told us. And why exactly can't you have sex if you don't mind me asking? I mean do you just not like it or what? I know that if a woman told me that she didn't want to have sex with me and she didn't have a really good reason i would break up with her. I enjoy sex and if a woman doesn't enjoy sex too that would never really work out. You haven't really explained what exactly your problem is. But maybe next time instead of pushing him away you can just explain to him how you feel and why. Explain all that crap that you typed to him too. I mean when you love someone you guys should be like one person. And if he has a problem with the true you then he doesn't really love you and you can find someone who does.
Valid Sintax Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 In my opinion, trying to remove sex from a relationship once you've put it in is very difficult to do successfully. I also think you should be very open with him about what you are going through. That's likely the best way you can build trust with him, which is what he'll need to do (trust you) to make it through this no sex time. I also think you might want to consider why you have some strong emotional feelings when you are in a relationship. Try to think about what's really going on underneath the surface. For instance, do you feel unlovable and when someone likes you, you see them as one of the few people who could ever appreciate you? Or, do you feel insecure in your relationships? I'm not suggesting either of these are the case; they are just examples. It's not uncommon for your emotions to be stronger when you are in a relationship, assuming you are thinking of the relationship as something that might become an increasingly important part of your life over time. But, understanding why particular emotions emerge stronger than others or why particular events or thoughts are felt more strongly is something that also might help you to keep things figure out why this is happening in the first place.
rafallus Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 In my opinion, trying to remove sex from a relationship once you've put it in is very difficult to do successfully. I also think you should be very open with him about what you are going through. That's likely the best way you can build trust with him, which is what he'll need to do (trust you) to make it through this no sex time.I agree. This will probably end up in either of these: a)He will say "**** it" and will wander away to someone who gives it to him. b)If not, then denying sex from him, you'll see that this way you can control and manipulate him with ease, and will end up abusing him.
oldguy Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Have you been actively trying to resolve your issues rather than suppress them?
sm1tten Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I think that trying to communicate with him and work through your issues is a good thing, but that you should also consider breaking it off/taking a break and doing it on your own... figuring out exactly what it is about being in a relationship that triggers the responses you've described. Emotional issues can cripple a young relationship, and if you take out the sex, he's probably going to start feeling like your emotional tampon as opposed to a guy you are actually dating. It's a fine line to walk but perhaps if you are honest with him about why you want to pull back and are willing to work on things, he will be too. Obviously a lot of that is going to depend on whether he sees you as a long-term option.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Ok- first off- after I lost control of my emotions- I took some space from them to calm down and logically understand why and what I was feeling. That is why I decided to open myself up and explain the situation to him. I realized it was bc things had moved fast, I was falling fast, and wasn't trusting him enough. Bc I was falling so quickly wout there being enough trust for me to feel comfortable- I ran away. After I explained things to him- I gave him options that I felt like would work. Let me walk away and save myself from heartache. Continue seeing me but take out the physical and allow me time. He picked- continue seeing me but take out the physical. He knows what I've been going through, he likes me, but we both agreed that things should slow down. I wanted to take out the physical bc I wasn't sure why he was dating me. For sex or for who I am. Things progressed so quickly that unresolved issues of being a trophy chick kicked in and I started double guessing his intentions. Yes- I'm working on my issues. I don't feel I've been surprising them. I actively work on letting my emotions pass until I can come to a logical conclusion of why I'm feeling like that. Old habits die hard though- and sometimes I act on the emotions. But bc I am never happy with the trouble they get me in- I do my best to manage it. Yoga is very helpful, but I haven't been in the routine for a minute due to money and other stresses. Currently he seems like he needs some space- so I'm just doing my best to not contact him. Just allow him some time to be him and not have to deal w me. This is why I have not had the chance to communicate anything with him. I did call him last night to speak w him. He answered quickly and told me he would call me right back. He didn't. So I'm just leaving the ball in his court.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 (edited) I've asked him if we can just take the sex out. I hope it will help me feel less overwhelmed and give me more time to just let myself trust him and get to know him without sex. This is has just been painful and exhausting bc I really care about this guy. He is so compatible with me. We are still in the early stages of dating and I don't want to NOT give him a good time, but I also feel like I need to be honest with him about what goes on in my inner world and how I struggle with it. I want to communicate with him bc I don't want to push him away, but I'm concerned that it JUST might push him away. You have a pretty good reason to be concerned. If have you already slept with him and now decide to go back to no sex so that you could "let yourself trust him" (which, from a guy's point of view, sounds a little weird and BS-y, to be perfectly honest), he will just assume that you are playing some kind of a game and trying to manipulate him. Now I can't relate to how you feel about this whole situation, as I don't know what it's like to be crazy (and let's face, the way you describe yourself and the "little monster inside you" makes it pretty clear that you are, at minimum, a rather...ummm, eccentric individual). However, I can tell you this: if you care about this guy, you have to think of not only what works for you but also about what works for him. I think it would be rather unfair to keep him hanging while you try to resolve your your emotional issues. Edited July 10, 2011 by Feelsgoodman
sugarmomma Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Did you two discuss being exclusive or making the relationship official? Sometimes when the relationship is just casual the woman will feel like the guy is in it just for the sex, and he may very well be. I'm in the same situation whereas after we had sex he says that we're heading toward a commitment. WTF? I cut the sex off and he can decide if he wants to be in a proper relationship with me. If not, kick rocks.
D-Lish Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Asking to take sex out of the relationship when you've already been engaging in a sexual relationship is not going to go over well with any guy (or girl for that matter). He's going to see it as rejection, and most likely pull away (as he is doing).
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Well if he's going to pull away then it's his choice. I asked him what worked best for him. Bailing or staying. He picked staying. If it's not working for him then my feelings were validated. He was just in it for the sex and what ever I could offer him- not a mutual thing. As far as being exclusive- we both said we were only sleeping with each other. He started acting weird. Got clingy, so I let myself get closer to him, then started to do this hot cold thing. Frankly- whatever.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 And btw- when I called last night- he picked up the phone on one ring and sounded excited to hear from me. That's why I was confused about why he didn't call back. But anyway- I can't control anyone but myself. Before we were sleeping together I was very frank w my personality and what I was working on. He wanted to keep dating me. If it was just for the hopes of sex- well then he got what he wanted and it is better that he take his exit now.
D-Lish Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Well if he's going to pull away then it's his choice. I asked him what worked best for him. Bailing or staying. He picked staying. If it's not working for him then my feelings were validated. He was just in it for the sex and what ever I could offer him- not a mutual thing. As far as being exclusive- we both said we were only sleeping with each other. He started acting weird. Got clingy, so I let myself get closer to him, then started to do this hot cold thing. Frankly- whatever. Stop and think through this rationally. You told him you wanted to take sex out of the relationship, told him that he was welcome to stay or bail- and now you're assuming all he wanted was sex because obviously if he truly cared, he'd endure being rejected in that manner. You were testing him with the no-sex solution to the problem- and now you're blaming HIM for bailing. You created this problem, and you're using his reaction as an excuse to pull away. Anyone dealing with someone that decides to suddenly withold sex and ask to take things slower is going to feel rejected.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 As far as being exclusive- we both said we were only sleeping with each other. to clarify this statement- we both talked about how we only date and sleep with one person at a time. We also talked about how we both care about each other. Some where down the road though- I started to feel like #1 he was more interested in himself than he was me. #2 that it just seemed to be about sex. Our once intelligent and multidimensional conversations turned into him just talking about how hot I was and how great our sex was. Coming over late at night, having sex w me, or asking for a bj. He stopped being very curious about me and was more interested in sex sex sex sex. So yeah. Reacting on emotions- I thought screw this I'm out.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I understand he may feel rejected. But there is nothing I can do about it if he wants to avoid me right now and doesn't want to talk to me.
D-Lish Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I understand he may feel rejected. But there is nothing I can do about it if he wants to avoid me right now and doesn't want to talk to me. I think maybe he's realized he's up against something that would be too much work to fix. If I was dating someone and they told me they wanted to stop having sex and slow things right down, I'd walk away. It seems like you were testing him, and he saw through it and didn't want to take the bait.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I think you are just toying with this guy, and seems like you enjoy doing that kind of thing. Cut him loose and do some serious work on yourself outside of relationships for a good long time. The apologetic tone in your post about being emotionally immature reads like well rehearsed lines you've practiced in a mirror, especially the "little monster" part. The way you treat people is not cute and quirky, it's infantile and obnoxious and has nothing to do with "fear." Keep going as you are and you will lose someone who really matters to you one day, this guy obviously doesn't. Agree with others on the stopping sex part also. Look- I'm not an evil person and I'm not toying w him. Yeah- I'm not as emotionally mature in r/ships as you- but at least I'm honest about it and can say I've made serious progress with it. It would be unfortunate to lose him, but I've done better this time around. I can work on myself single till the cows come home- and I'd be wonderful and happy. This only becomes a struggle when I care about someone.
D-Lish Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Look- I'm not an evil person and I'm not toying w him. Yeah- I'm not as emotionally mature in r/ships as you- but at least I'm honest about it and can say I've made serious progress with it. It would be unfortunate to lose him, but I've done better this time around. I can work on myself single till the cows come home- and I'd be wonderful and happy. This only becomes a struggle when I care about someone. Then it's an issue you need to work on in order to participate in a healthy relationship. IMO you've been engaging in self-sabotaging behaviour. You like this guy, it scares you- so you put him through a series of "tests" he can't possibly pass. Then, when he walks from the stress of it all, you justify it as him not being worthy of giving him your intimacy. I don't know if this is familiar to you- but it is to me. I test people- sometimes I give them impossible tests. I love them, but I push them away. The moment I start to fall for someone, I start to think about how painful it would be to lose them. I have never been able to actually enjoy falling in love as a result. At the core of it all I want the intimacy, it just scares me to death, so I test people and always end up sabotaging what could possibly be a good thing. I always mean well- and I always blow it. Does this sound familiar?
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yeah- I'm not as emotionally mature in r/ships as you- but at least I'm honest about it and can say I've made serious progress with it. It's not just about emotional maturity. Your posts make it clear that you have certain sociopathic tendencies, which is a much more profound issue than simple immaturity.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 It's not just about emotional maturity. Your posts make it clear that you have certain sociopathic tendencies, which is a much more profound issue than simple immaturity. Lol. Mmmmmmmk.
Author Jadestone Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Yes d-lish. That is what I'm talking about. Apparently you are one of the few who understand and don't see it as "sociopathic" tendencies. But look- I was real w him about this before we started dating. I wasn't real w him for any other reason but to express it was something I was working on.
D-Lish Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yes d-lish. That is what I'm talking about. Apparently you are one of the few who understand and don't see it as "sociopathic" tendencies. But look- I was real w him about this before we started dating. I wasn't real w him for any other reason but to express it was something I was working on. Of course I understand you- I live the same way. It's not sociopathic- it's rooted in fear. Totally different issue. It's still an issue for us though- and it's something we both need to work through. Girls like us are great at the onset- but we lose steam when we start to feel vulnerable. The moment I feel vulnerable, I'm screwed and so is my relationship. I'd love to change this. I'm sure you would too. It's hard- I feel ya.
sugarmomma Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 OP I say go with your gut on this one. Don't let other people here define the situation for you since they only have limited information. I say if he's only talking about and wanting sex and not doing other relationship things like dates, plans meeting friends etc. then you are better to cut your losses earlier. Who gives a damn about how he feels about you not giving him your most valuable part of your body? He doesn't sound like a keeper anyway and that being outside of everything you said about how you operate in relationships. We all have issues and the fact that you are aware of yours says a lot about you. I definitely think you're right to cut him off.
dispatch3d Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Look- I'm not an evil person and I'm not toying w him. Yeah- I'm not as emotionally mature in r/ships as you- but at least I'm honest about it and can say I've made serious progress with it. It would be unfortunate to lose him, but I've done better this time around. I can work on myself single till the cows come home- and I'd be wonderful and happy. This only becomes a struggle when I care about someone. You just test people unfairly when you start to get intimate. As DLish pointed out, this is totally normal behaviour. Lots of other people do it as well - throwing tests that aren't fair at people to see if they "pass". Being aware you are in that emotional state, and then figuring out ways to exit the state, is the best way to get out of this stuff. You seem extremely good at the first part, which greatly helps the second part.
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