Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I dated a guy for a few months at the begininng of the year, but ended it when I realised he was not ready for a relationship, as he was still getting over the pain that his ex of 10 years and the mother of his daughter (who cheated on him and is subsequently engaged to the person she cheated on him with). I ended it nicely, and told him that I liked him, probably too much, and that maybe when he was ready we could try getting to know each other again. We then did not speak for a few months. We never had sex, but did fool around. recently we have gotten back in touch, and are hanging out as friends, although there tends to be a lot of sexual tension...and he sometimes implies things. We speak, text or see each other almost every day or every second day. Both of us initiating contact - quite equally. He is 36 and I am 32. I still like him so much. I get the feeling that he is still into me, especuially when he me going to bed, sounds inviting, having a shower sounds interesting and such. However if I go out with some friends the next day when we are speaking he will say "Did you meet the guy of your dreams?". "Are you going out tonight - you might meet the guy of your dreams." Last night I was going out for dinner with some friends and he happened to call just a they picked me up and I told him I was just heading out for dinner and he said "Have you got a hot date?" Why does he keep asking these questions?? Is he fishing or is he trying to give me a hint that he is not interested?
Nexus One Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I think he's insecure. It's possible that his ex cheating on him might have something to do with that. You should make it clear to him that he shouldn't project his exes faults onto you, because it is unfair and makes you uncomfortable.
aliceinchains Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 i think it definitely has to do with his ex, he does not want to be abandoned again.
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 he's fishing, yeah. either you are going to give him a chance or not, so now would be a good time to make up your mind.
Author Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I think he is terribly insecure...and I really don't blame him, as he was hurt so badly. Unfortunately I can not tell him exactly how I feel, as we are only friends now, and although I am sure he knows I still like him - I do not want to scare him off....as he scares so easily. I do not want to put pressure on him to early, which might then push him away because he freaks out. That is why I was thinking of being friends until he knows what he wants. I know what I want, I want him. I want to be part of his and his daughters life. I would love to say to him "Look, I like you so much, I am not your ex, I am not going to hurt you like she did, as I am not like her. I like you so much, that I think I love you." So confusing...so scary.
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 so say just that, minus the "I love you part". "Look, I like you so much, I am not your ex, I am not going to hurt you like she did, as I am not like her. Ask me out again, and I'll say yes, and we can start from there and see how it goes"
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 The two of you are old enough to have a conversation about where the relationship is going. It sounds to me like he is fishing around rather than hinting that he doesn't want to date you. My BF can be really insecure. His ex W cheated on him, was very cruel, and still tosses lots of hatred in his direction. Dating someone who is insecure has its challenges, but if you have gotten to know him as a friend and think he's totally worth it, then go for it!
Author Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Ok - so I should talk to him....and I am chicken. One thing is holding me back - because he has not said I like you. Sometimes he says we will do something, and that he will call me - but then he doesn't call. Eg last night, he said he will give me a call after he has finished his sport and we will do something (grab a coffee or go to the pub) - I can not guarantee you that he will call. Does that not imply that he is not that interested?
dng Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Sometimes he says we will do something, and that he will call me - but then he doesn't call. Eg last night, he said he will give me a call after he has finished his sport and we will do something (grab a coffee or go to the pub) - I can not guarantee you that he will call. Does that not imply that he is not that interested? If I do that, it means I got too drunk or found something better to do than go see the girl. Obviously, I'm still single. I'm not him, but being unreliable is NOT a gool relationship quality, look into it.
Author Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 And this is why I am confused. I agree it is not a good quality - but it all just does not make sense to me. Why call, text or see me every other day, but occasionally be unreliable, flirt, imply things and ask the questions mentioned earlier?? Perhaps I am right in the sense that he likes me, but is not ready for anything - so staying friends only is best for now.
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) you friend zoned him, you have to end that if you want something more from him. he can't read your mind. nor is he obligated to keep his promises to you, you are not dating him. he could very well make less contact because he's attracted to you but thinks there's no chance so he's forcing himself to keep a distance. the only way to know is if you tell him. you set the current terms, so you have to offer something different if that's what you want. Edited July 9, 2011 by thatone
Author Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Well I text him asking if he would like to do something about 2.5 hours ago. No answer....so I guess there is my answer. He is just not that into me, and the "perfect man" comments are hints, not fishing
oldguy Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 He's fishing because he is interested, & to be honest, it sounds a little creepy, and it sounds like the two of you have an innocent, but flirtatious relationship. Maybe more innocent from your perspective & more flirtatious & hopeful from his. What you do about it depends on what you want it to become.
Author Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Doesn't the fact that he did not call me today - even though he said he would (he knows I'm home alone recovering from an operation) and has not replied to the text I sent him 3 hours ago - imply he is not interested?
oldguy Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I'd be more interested in his excuse for not calling. Are you interested in him, or did I just misread something into this ? I do hope your feeling better.
Author Ayla Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I am terribly interested in him, I like him so much. But the way he acts confuses me so much. I'm tempted to call him and ask him if he got my text-but that would just be needy.
oldguy Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) I think he's insecure. It's possible that his ex cheating on him might have something to do with that. You should make it clear to him that he shouldn't project his exes faults onto you, because it is unfair and makes you uncomfortable. I am terribly interested in him, I like him so much. But the way he acts confuses me so much. I'm tempted to call him and ask him if he got my text-but that would just be needy. Okay, I just reread everything here & your getting a lot of the same, mostly good advice & opinions from just about everyone. There really isn't anything I can think of that hasn't been said, several times. All the stuff about his insecurities & his ex wife & the left over baggage from that relationship, but most of all communication, everyone is telling you to talk to him. I think, if you want a relationship you have to involve the other person. Edited July 9, 2011 by oldguy
rafallus Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 IMO he likes you, but he can't really make you attracted. You may keep trying, but unless he gets his act together, you might as well bang against the wall.
Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I can totally relate to your situation. I'm in a similar one. We've talked, texted or seen each other in person every day for the last month. Yet, I'm confused as to what he wants. I totally understand not wanting to have a "talk" with him. Like you, I feel it's too early to be doing that. I think the only thing you can do is just keep moving forward. Keep living your life, date another if the situation presents itself. If you're okay with having him in your life in a limited way, then do it. I'm at the same cross roads. I made a decision to go out on a date with a new guy next week. I'd rather spend my time with the current guy, but I've decided not to wait around for him to make up his mind. I'm going to keep him on the radar for as long as I'm comfortable with it. But, I've decided not to have a "talk" with him. I want him to be with me exclusively when he's ready. And, he's going to have to be the one to initiate it. If he waits too long or decides to head off in a different direction, I guess that's his loss. Live your life and do things that make you happy regardless of what he decides to do.
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) you women and your insecurity preventing you from simply saying what you want is the silliest thing in the world. what's the worst that could happen, he says no? guess what, he's not going to hang around forever anyway, so you're already at "no". Well I text him asking if he would like to do something about 2.5 hours ago. No answer....so I guess there is my answer. He is just not that into me, and the "perfect man" comments are hints, not fishing very possibly wrong. Doesn't the fact that he did not call me today - even though he said he would (he knows I'm home alone recovering from an operation) and has not replied to the text I sent him 3 hours ago - imply he is not interested? not necessarily. And this is why I am confused. I agree it is not a good quality - but it all just does not make sense to me. Why call, text or see me every other day, but occasionally be unreliable, flirt, imply things and ask the questions mentioned earlier?? Perhaps I am right in the sense that he likes me, but is not ready for anything - so staying friends only is best for now. because you friend-zoned him as you stated above. like i said, he can't read your mind. when you set the terms of your contact with him, if you want that to change, you have to tell him. all the sitting around dreaming up imaginary scenarios in your mind won't change the fact that he STILL can't read your mind and it's now YOUR responsibility since YOU changed the situation before. if he disappears at this point it's YOUR fault not his. you cannot wiggle your way out of your fear of rejection by projecting that fear into dreamed up faults in him. you are causing him to reject you if you don't talk to him. Edited July 9, 2011 by thatone
Author Ayla Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Neal-I understand where your coming from, but I didn't chose the friends thing. The way he was when we dated, made it quite clear that he was not ready/did not want a relationship. He was hot and cold, texting and such one minute and the next not replying to texts/calls. When I ended it (via email mind you-because he was in an AWOL stage) I made it quite clear that I was not ending it cos I didn't want to be with him. I also made it quite clear that I did want to be with him when he was ready. Anyway-still I took what you said into consideration...and called him yesterday. He did not pick up nor call me back. When we spoke on Friday - he was a little sad, as he just came back from a 2 week holiday with his daughter, and then had to give her to her mother (they have joint custody). It is possible that he has just gone into his hidehole. As you have also pointed out-we are friends, and he doesnt have to call me back if he doesn't want to. So I text him last night, just saying "not sure if you saw my missed call. Hope your ok and not suffering too bad from post holiday blues." again no reply. I spoke with my brothers girlfriend (as they are friends with him as well). Actually he is one of my brothers best friends, and they work together...anyway-she said "he likes you, that much is clear, otherwise he wouldn't act the way he does...but I don't think he wants a relationship at the moment." So I'm just going to leave him, and he will contact me when ready.
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