Maple Leaf Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I've been dating this guy for about a month. We met on a popular online dating site. A little bit of background...I have been divorced for about 3 years, he's been divorced for 1. I've been doing the online dating thing for about a year with mixed results. He recently joined online dating and I was the first woman he met in person from the site. We hit it off really well on our first date/first meeting. He set up a second date at the end of the first but told me he'd be out of town for work for a week leading up to our second date. He kept in touch with me throughout that week and we both very much looked forward to the upcoming date. Fast forward a week, and we have an awesome second date. We end up spending the next 4 out 6 days together. Nothing sexual, just a basic progression. We become comfortable with kissing and light make outs. After sharing several dates nearly consecutively, he informs me that he will be out town for the extended weekend. Fine with me as I had plans for that time frame as well. Mid-way through his vacation to visit family/friends in another state, he informs me that he will be staying an extra week for work and extended visit with friends/family. I'm still okay with this as we're new to dating each other and I really have no say in the matter. Once again, I'm fine with this as I'll be out of town for a portion of his extended stay. Here's where I've become confused. We have really hit it off since day one together. In fact, we've been in some form of communication every day since we've met. Nothing heavy, but at least a text or two a day and an occasional phone conversation. In the past month, he has told me several times how amazing he thinks I am, that I'm beautiful, how much he enjoys spending time with me, hopes to spend time together when he gets back, sends me hugs and kisses, etc. I checked my online account a couple days after we met to simply read his profile again and look at his pictures. I could tell that he had been online a few hours earlier but chalked it up to the same reasons as mine. After our second date, he mentioned that he wanted to close his account but didn't know how to. I made no mention of doing the same but deep down I wanted to do the same. I made a personal decision to not check my account for a couple weeks. There were several messages from other guys that I didn't even read. I simply didn't visit my account for a couple weeks because I was quite interested in this new guy. Curiosity got the best of me a couple weeks ago and I decided to log in. I realized that his last log in was only a couple hours earlier. I have to admit that my heart sunk a bit. He is still currently out of town and is due to return at the end of the weekend. In the last couple days, I've checked my account twice and both times he had recent logins. He literally called within minutes of my logins. Didn't mention anything about me being online, just wanted to say hi and make sure we're still on for seeing each other next week. Keep in mind that I've been doing the online dating thing for quite some time now and am a little burned out. I was about ready to hang it up for a while but ended up meeting him right beforehand. I'm worried that this is something new for him and he wants to explore. I can hardly blame him, I was the same at the beginning too. I'm not sure what to do. I'm ready for a long term relationship and he acts like he is too, but his online activity suggests differently. Any ideas on what he's thinking? Any ideas on how I should move forward with this?
PhillyDude Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I've been dating this guy for about a month. We met on a popular online dating site. A little bit of background...I have been divorced for about 3 years, he's been divorced for 1. I've been doing the online dating thing for about a year with mixed results. He recently joined online dating and I was the first woman he met in person from the site. We hit it off really well on our first date/first meeting. He set up a second date at the end of the first but told me he'd be out of town for work for a week leading up to our second date. He kept in touch with me throughout that week and we both very much looked forward to the upcoming date. Fast forward a week, and we have an awesome second date. We end up spending the next 4 out 6 days together. Nothing sexual, just a basic progression. We become comfortable with kissing and light make outs. After sharing several dates nearly consecutively, he informs me that he will be out town for the extended weekend. Fine with me as I had plans for that time frame as well. Mid-way through his vacation to visit family/friends in another state, he informs me that he will be staying an extra week for work and extended visit with friends/family. I'm still okay with this as we're new to dating each other and I really have no say in the matter. Once again, I'm fine with this as I'll be out of town for a portion of his extended stay. Here's where I've become confused. We have really hit it off since day one together. In fact, we've been in some form of communication every day since we've met. Nothing heavy, but at least a text or two a day and an occasional phone conversation. In the past month, he has told me several times how amazing he thinks I am, that I'm beautiful, how much he enjoys spending time with me, hopes to spend time together when he gets back, sends me hugs and kisses, etc. I checked my online account a couple days after we met to simply read his profile again and look at his pictures. I could tell that he had been online a few hours earlier but chalked it up to the same reasons as mine. After our second date, he mentioned that he wanted to close his account but didn't know how to. I made no mention of doing the same but deep down I wanted to do the same. I made a personal decision to not check my account for a couple weeks. There were several messages from other guys that I didn't even read. I simply didn't visit my account for a couple weeks because I was quite interested in this new guy. Curiosity got the best of me a couple weeks ago and I decided to log in. I realized that his last log in was only a couple hours earlier. I have to admit that my heart sunk a bit. He is still currently out of town and is due to return at the end of the weekend. In the last couple days, I've checked my account twice and both times he had recent logins. He literally called within minutes of my logins. Didn't mention anything about me being online, just wanted to say hi and make sure we're still on for seeing each other next week. Keep in mind that I've been doing the online dating thing for quite some time now and am a little burned out. I was about ready to hang it up for a while but ended up meeting him right beforehand. I'm worried that this is something new for him and he wants to explore. I can hardly blame him, I was the same at the beginning too. I'm not sure what to do. I'm ready for a long term relationship and he acts like he is too, but his online activity suggests differently. Any ideas on what he's thinking? Any ideas on how I should move forward with this? I would just stop checking the site if I was you. The girl I'm currently going out with was still on the site after we went out twice but I din't make a big deal about it because her interest level remained high. I think it should only bother you if he stops contacting you and asking you out.
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks Philly. I think you're right. It's probably best not to check. Does it bother you that she still visits the site? I just worry that him and I are at different stages in the dating world. I've been on enough dates over the last few years. The novelty has worn off. He definitely treats me well and shows interest daily. I guess I'll try to leave it at that. Thanks for the input.
PhillyDude Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks Philly. I think you're right. It's probably best not to check. Does it bother you that she still visits the site? I just worry that him and I are at different stages in the dating world. I've been on enough dates over the last few years. The novelty has worn off. He definitely treats me well and shows interest daily. I guess I'll try to leave it at that. Thanks for the input. I haven't had a reason to check the site because she texts or calls me everyday and has asked to come over my place to watch a movie. She also calls me to say goodnight and texts me Good morning
green_tea Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 You know, he may have been logging on just to see if you were on the site - just like you were checking his. He already said he wanted to close his account, so I wouldn't take it to mean that he is still looking. He may have the same doubts that you have - seeing that you still have your account open, and logging in. If I was you and I really liked this guy, I'd close my account, and tell him. If he still keeps his account active after that then I'd start to wonder.
GildedLily Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 What would bother me is why he chose to make it an extended stay with his family? Why wasn't he in a rush to get back and take you out again? To be 100% real with you the only reason for an extended stay (barring any catastrophic health/ care giving activites) is getting sex from someone else. If I were you I would make it a bit harder to see me when he gets back. No more consecutive day dates!
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks guys, I really appreciate your positive outlooks. I'd really like this relationship to work, but at the same time I don't want to get played. I honestly haven't invested much time or effort into relationships since my D. This time is feeling different, I actually feel something and don't want to get hurt. I'm finding myself finally opening up to someone. Probably looking for something that might not be there?
sm1tten Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Do you want to exclusively date this guy and see where it goes? Then you should have that conversation with him, explicitly, and it should probably involve discussing deleting the accounts. Otherwise, you're just going to drive yourself crazy trying to read something into his online activity that may or may not be there.
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Gilded, I was kind of thinking the same thing. We had a such a good time together before he left (in my opinion) and I was a little bummed out when I found out he'd be staying an extra week. He went back to his home town, cross country. He said that he was having a great time reconnecting with friends and family. His job is flexible and he was able to take care of some work related contacts in the area...killing two birds with one stone. All I have to go by is what he's told me. I've only known the guy for a month. I can either trust him and believe what he's told me or become suspicious without really knowing him. I'd hate to be this kind of person so early into a relationship. I don't want to be that girl but at the same time want to protect my heart. I'm at stage in the game where I could still get out with relatively little damage. I'm developing feelings for him but am starting to feel cautious.
GildedLily Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Having sex with someone else is well within the bounds of what he can still do (before exclusivity talk) Trust yourself, then you won't have to worry about trusting him. Just tell yourself; he likes you yes, but there's still a chance he's sleeping with others. You need to be realistic with yourself, ya know?
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 sm1tten, Thanks for the response. I agree with what you've said and I've thought about having a conversation with him. I worry that it's too early to start having serious conversations? Maybe I'm wrong. Yes, I'm starting to develop feelings for him. Everything he says and does leads me to believe that he's feeling the same. At this point in time, I don't need him to specifically state/ask to be in an exclusive relationship, but it would be nice to know that we're kind of focused on getting to know each other for the time being. I'd like to focus my time and energy on one person. I've done the juggling act of dating more than one person at a time and it really sucks. I'm done with it. Does is sound like him and I are at different stages of post divorce and post divorce dating. If he wasn't contacting me daily, being affectionate and making a genuine effort, I think this would be much easier to decipher.
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Gilded, Are you suggesting that he's playing the field? Perhaps he is. Maybe he's not. He's kind of a shy guy, a touch awkward when it comes to being physical. Would be surprised if he banging around. Quite possible though. I'm not sure what to do.
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) here's another thought to consider, he might have had one time dates during his travels and made friends via the dating sites half a world away. i've met quite a few women on dating sites like that, some i never met in person and just keep in contact with on facebook or the dating site due to a common interest that's strictly a long distance friendship type thing. in fact there's even one couple on a dating site i met like that. i originally messaged her about a one time date for an out of town concert in her city, she later hit it off and moved in with a guy on the same site, and i message them both with architectural advice since they recently moved in together and started working on restoring their house. bottom line is you can't figure it out without talking to him about it. Edited July 9, 2011 by thatone
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 thatone, I understand that people can meet others on dating sites and not even have a romantic relationship come out of it. That could very well be the case with him. I realize that the only way to get to the bottom of this is to talk with him. I just feel like it's so early in to be having talks. I like him a lot, but feel like a talk of this type would either push him away or cause him to want to become exclusive. I don't want either right now. I don't know him well enough to become exclusive. But, at the same time, if he's interested in pursuing others while pursuing me, I think I'd rather move on to someone who is a one girl at time type of guy. This bums me out since he's the first guy I've really wanted to get to know better in a really long time. It sucks that he's been gone for a while. I feel like everything we gained in the week prior to his departure has been lost to a certain extent. It's tough to keep the passion going when all you have to rely on is text and a phone convo here and there. He will be back tomorrow and we plan on seeing each other next week. I guess I'll just have to feel out the vibes and make a decision as to whether or not I should bring this up with him or just walk away. I was on the verge of giving online dating a rest as I've been feeling a little worn out by it all, then I met him. A part of me just wants to remove my profile and not say a word about it to him.
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) I like him a lot, but feel like a talk of this type would either push him away or cause him to want to become exclusive. I don't want either right now. I don't know him well enough to become exclusive. But, at the same time, if he's interested in pursuing others while pursuing me, I think I'd rather move on to someone who is a one girl at time type of guy. so what you're saying is you don't wanna commit to him but you want him to keep chasing you and you alone. so you can keep your options open but if he does the same, you want to push him away. hint: you can't expect more of men than you expect of yourself, any more than they can do the same to you. sounds like you are your own worst enemy. Edited July 9, 2011 by thatone
bigmomma1974 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 My opinion is that your both adults, and you both met on a dating site, so yeah he may be meeting other people keeping his options open. Then again he may not. Communication is the key to any successful relationship, without it yoou don't have one. Then trust is next. You both are just casually dating nothing serious was set in stone, so if he is out there playing the field its good and if not thats good to. Just ask him straight up if he wants to continue dating you and playing the field or if he wants it to be a committed relationship between the both of you. tell him your interested in kmowin so you know what is really going on, That way it will be out there in the open and you can spare your heart from getting broke. He may not be ready to settle down with 1 person and if not its ok. Just ASK!
thatone Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 My opinion is that your both adults the more she posts, the less i agree with that.
GildedLily Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 My opinion is that the possibility of him sleeping with others does exist until there's been talk of exclusivity. The fact that he spent extra time away barring all medical/ care giving activities should be an "light" red flag to you. Not in the sense that he is sleeping with others but in the sense that, he was not excited to get back to you. Don't have any talks with him. Make him schedule well in advance to see you for a date. He asks on Thursday for a Friday or Saturday date? Proper response " Oops sorry; my weekend's already filled up!" then sweetly say "I wish I would've known sooner!" No more consecutive dates either, you shouldn't be that available to him.
thatone Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Don't have any talks with him. Make him schedule well in advance to see you for a date. He asks on Thursday for a Friday or Saturday date? Proper response " Oops sorry; my weekend's already filled up!" then sweetly say "I wish I would've known sooner!" No more consecutive dates either, you shouldn't be that available to him. or not act like an attention starved toddler, and you know, tell him you don't to see him anymore. but that's not what the OP said she wanted, so everything you typed about yourself and how you behave doesn't really apply.
sm1tten Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I guess I just don't see the harm in saying, "Hey, I like you a lot and I'd like to just see each other exclusively and just see where this goes... what do you think?" Maybe because this is a conversation I've had before, I feel that dating a single person at a time and being in a committed relationship are actually not the same thing.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I like him a lot, but feel like a talk of this type would either push him away or cause him to want to become exclusive. I don't want either right now. I don't know him well enough to become exclusive. But, at the same time, if he's interested in pursuing others while pursuing me, I think I'd rather move on to someone who is a one girl at time type of guy. Don't you think that your stance is a little, ummm, hypocritical?
GildedLily Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 or not act like an attention starved toddler, and you know, tell him you don't to see him anymore. but that's not what the OP said she wanted, so everything you typed about yourself and how you behave doesn't really apply. I don't understand, did you leave out a word or two?^^^
Author Maple Leaf Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks for the replies, both the positive and negative. Interesting how this has gotten so twisted. Bottom line is, I like this guy...a lot. I just didn't think that 5 dates could constitute an exclusive relationship. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is possible to establish something like this so soon. I just don't want to be the one to ask for an exclusive relationship. I know you guys are going to jump all over me for suggesting this, but it's how I feel. I feel like if he's still visiting the dating site in which we met, he must still be exploring other options. In a perfect world, it would be nice to date just him for a period of time without worrying about having the technical talk of "being exclusive" so soon. I haven't dated anyone else this past month that I've known him. I could have, but decided I wanted to get to know him, and just him, better. What is so wrong with wanting this and not necessarily needing to have our relationship labeled as "exclusive." What is so wrong with wanting to date just him for a while longer until we get to know each other better, then make a decision about our future?
thatone Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 yeah but that's the problem with your ideas. there is no perfect world.
sm1tten Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 The problem to me is that what I got from your posts (and I apologise if I've misinterpreted) that you viewed his online activity on the site after you've been dating as some sign that he wasn't as serious about finding a long term partner as you are. You can't have it both ways - just because you aren't dating anyone else, doesn't mean that you should expect him not to either. You can't be exclusive without having some discussion of exclusivity. If the idea of being exclusive or whatever bothers you because it's too soon, then I am not sure I get at all the point of your thread. If you just don't want to be the one to put it out there, then that's a different issue. Where I'm coming from is that I'm dating one person exclusively, but we are not in a relationship with labels - he is not my boyfriend, he's a guy I'm dating. I like seeing him, he likes seeing me, and neither one of us are interested in seeing other people. We mutually decided to disable our profiles (we met online) fairly early on. Easy-peasy.
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