WhatDaniKnows Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I will present everything as it has been presented to me. Obviously, I am here with some doubts. About a year and a half ago, I met a recently separated man. For background, I am 25 and he is 43. He told me he had been separated for a while, and the marriage had been dead long before they made it official. I am separated myself. My ex and I chose to remain legally married for insurance reasons for the meanwhile. Of course, we have always been aware that the other is dating, and my ex has met my current partner. (Naturally, as my ex and I share two children.) I went to where he lived. (It was rather sparse, and not commiserate with his actual income, but then, it is just him.) He lives in a different state from his wife and children and visits them on weekends. He stays in the house in the basement. About 5 months into the relationship, he spoke about bringing his children to meet me. At that point, I told him I believed it was too early and they needed time to adjust to their parents being apart if we were to have a chance for them not to despise me. I felt the age disparity would leave enough to overcome. Around the same point, he told me he wanted to marry me and was going to insist on pushing for the actual full divorce with his wife. He proposed. We continued on. We rented an apartment together. We disagreed on the point of him staying in the house with his ex when he flew back to the state they are in. I believed this would confuse the children. He believed this gave him more time with them, and saved another rent payment. (He has maintained his original apartment that he had when we met, so he has two. His home in the original state is paid for.) However, I submitted on the grounds that I do not know his children and parents should make the choices for their children, and this is what his ex and him agreed would be best for them. He had some jealousy that I had not yet filed for divorce after he proposed, as I was waiting for us to start planning on details, and saw this as a detail as it is certainly in name only. Other than this, it has been a good relationship. He stays in town with me whenever I request it. I do not do so often as I believe his kids need their dad, but I have done it occasionally on special occasions for myself or my children. As the relationship went on, I began inviting his three children down for events in the area I thought they might enjoy. It had been while over a year since the separation. He said he would try to work it out. Their schedules kept not working. At a year into the relationship, he started really pushing buying a house together. (He said the legal separation would allow this.) I said I believed this would really hurt his kids feelings if they found out about it and it wouldn't be appropriate until after I met them. I found out then he hadn't discussed the kids meeting a woman, and had just planned on bringing them down and introducing his "friend". I told him he had to discuss it with her first, and if he was planning on marrying me, saying I was a friend would just upset them later. (This was based on the extensive reading I had done in fear of how to make this all work.) He asked his ex and told me that she said No, and was very upset. I find out he did not give her all the details to make the right decision for her children. (He told her, bring the kids to meet the woman I've been dating, not "who I'm planning on marrying. I told my ex that our children can meet any woman once it is serious, but not before that point. So I find that relevant.) He said they would talk to a family counselor, over the phone, in separate sessions. This dragged on for a month to no real conclusion. He told me the counselor recommended his wife go to individual sessions because she is still not ready to acknowledge that the marriage is really over, and that there is no way to tell how moving forward when she is still not emotionally past the divorce. Meanwhile, I was falling apart. I was beginning to feel like a secret, like a mistress. I started grabbing and reading his phone. I began questioning him not calling his kids in front of me. (He would call on the way home to save our time for just us. He would not make any calls in the evening after he got home.) I am not typically the jealous type. I looked up his wife online. I found her facebook page based on the email address in his address book. It was entirely private, but on a gut feeling, I told him I had looked it up and it said "Married." He told me that he had told her to keep that status so people didn't know she was home alone. That didn't make sense to me, but he is overly conservative about personal information security. I asked him for the divorce papers, and he said yes, but it took months for him to give them to me. He told me that he was putting it off because he hated that I didn't trust him when he supported me in everything. He eventually did give them to me. They did list the original date of separation as September 2009, half a year before we met, as he told me. There was a printed sentence at the end saying these papers were electronically signed and filed, so no actual signatures. He told me they have been edited some since the original filing, but I think that related to the assets distribution. I don't care about that. His kids should have as much of that as they need, and I'm sure his ex will see to that. As there was a question as to when I could meet the children, I asked to speak to his wife. I thought this would help me verify things, and help comfort her. I know, for me, I want to talk to the woman who would be very involved in my childrens lives, and gain comfort. He said she is not like me, and asked her. He said her reply was, "What is wrong with you?" and basically, Not on your life. He said she broke down into tears. This surprises me that this much after he said divorce was discussed as the ONLY conclusion that this reaction would be had, but he told me this is just how she is and how she always has been, and that I also don't understand 20 years married verse 5 years married (9 years together). My ex and I have been very cordial after a brief back and forth just afterward that we soon realized was not in the best interest of our kids. He has changed from talking about getting married this winter, to next spring. He still is talking about an imminent house. He says that he can push this, but that he has to consider what is right for the kids, and for our future relationship. I DO want to do what is right for the kids. I'm not sure this is it, as I think they will feel misled. For my own self, I don't mind kids coming first, but it bothers me to think his ex is "in charge of" our relationship. However, the timeline seems so short that I feel like I should hang in there. However, he could always change the time line again. I still feel a lot of doubt even with the papers. I do not feel like myself. On the other hand, other than the situation, our relationship is great. I do not distrust him for anything he has done, just the situation and the cumulative effect of it. I want to contact her. I have considered giving her a call, writing a letter, or sending an email, and telling her that she is welcome to contact me if she wants to at any point, but that I would not contact her again and push it. It probably would not be an email because the address was at least at one point a joint email address. I don't know if I should. If she truly does not want to hear from me, it's inappropriate and pushy. If he is lying, we both deserve to know. I have considered texting about the situation with the kids from his phone, and seeing the response. If he found out and was not lying, this would of course not be good, and could perhaps mean the end of the relationship. I have considered having a friend contact her on my behalf, so a third party separated me from it. (My friends all like him and talk about how in love with me he is, though I've only gone into the details of my doubts with one. That one party said she would be shocked after meeting him to find out he was capable of such deception, but the details are such that she is worried about me.) I have told him how I feel, and that I feel like I am going crazy. He said if he could wave a magic wand and make everything the way we want it to be, but he can't, and he has to consider how to make everyone happy in this. I have considered leaving him on the grounds that I shouldn't be with someone I do not trust, but I truly believe it wouldn't be an issue without the crazy situation. Also, I love him. My children love him. I introduced them after he proposed (too soon in retrospect, I guess.) and they have become very close. (My children are both very young.) I would hate to yank someone from their lives. There is also a financial impact in that I cannot afford this lease without him, cannot afford many of my childrens activities without him, and so on. I have made choices in this past year as a couple with relatively high income, not as a single mom with very limited income. This does not matter of course if I am being lied to and being used to lie to another woman, but short of that, it is a consideration. What thoughts do those of you not invested in this situation have?
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I forgot to add that I asked to meet his friends. He does not have friends in our state. I asked to fly to the state he came from, and he said that his friends from the state he moved from were mainly from work there and had to move to new locations when that company folded.
Tenacity Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I think that this is an excellent reason why it is important to wait until AFTER the divorce to get involved with someone. (Trust me, I'm saying this from experience too). Hindsight isn't going to help you right now though, I realize. I also think that you should not have become financially reliant on a man who is still married to someone else. That puts you in a horribly vulnerable situation, obviously. However... I think what you are seeing is fairly normal when people who have been married a long time get a D, if one person doesn't want to accept it. It can be a terrible rollercoaster. Now, on top of having to accept the D, your MM's wife has to accept YOU. And share her kids with you. That has to be one of the hardest things in the world. She needed to be able to deal with the D first and you later. What should you do? I think you are in for a rocky couple of years if you hang in there with this. I don't think he is deceiving you... he doesn't seem like a man who intends to go back to his M ultimately, but I could be wrong. He filed D papers and that's more than most do. BUT, until the D is final, he is married to someone else. If I were you, and I could do it, I would back off as much as possible until this man works out his divorce. He had no business asking you to marry him before his D was final (been there done that, too).
Tenacity Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I forgot to add that I asked to meet his friends. He does not have friends in our state. I asked to fly to the state he came from, and he said that his friends from the state he moved from were mainly from work there and had to move to new locations when that company folded. I too think that he is obviously preferring to keep you a secret to his family and friends, not a good sign. That is because he has done things out of order and he's trying to save his behind.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I too think that he is obviously preferring to keep you a secret to his family and friends, not a good sign. That is because he has done things out of order and he's trying to save his behind. Thank you for your comments and advice. The family thing: I will add he says he only talks to his siblings once a year and hasn't seen them in several, that his ex has not met his sister, and that his mother is very tough to deal with and that he wouldn't want to invite her to our wedding. I thought maybe I could meet his family, too, to reassure me about the other things. I am concerned, like you mentioned, that he is hiding me. I don't deserve to be hidden!
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Contact her. But not through a third party. Either man up or don't. But if you want your answers, she at least deserves the ability to deal with you one on one. If you can't handle that, leave her alone and either deal with your gut feeling or not.
Tenacity Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Thank you for your comments and advice. The family thing: I will add he says he only talks to his siblings once a year and hasn't seen them in several, that his ex has not met his sister, and that his mother is very tough to deal with and that he wouldn't want to invite her to our wedding. I thought maybe I could meet his family, too, to reassure me about the other things. I am concerned, like you mentioned, that he is hiding me. I don't deserve to be hidden! No, you don't deserve to be hidden, but that's part of being involved with a man who is married to someone else. I understand he was separated (mine was too) but it doesn't change that fact. I lost site of your original question, which was whether or not you should contact her. No, I do not believe that is your role. He is still married. That is his job, until he is D and he comes forward and introduces you as the woman who he intends to be the stepmother to his children. Right now you have no leg to stand on.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 No, you don't deserve to be hidden, but that's part of being involved with a man who is married to someone else. I understand he was separated (mine was too) but it doesn't change that fact. I lost site of your original question, which was whether or not you should contact her. No, I do not believe that is your role. He is still married. That is his job, until he is D and he comes forward and introduces you as the woman who he intends to be the stepmother to his children. Right now you have no leg to stand on. Can I ask you about your situation? You don't have to answer. I only ask because it sounds like he was separated and like it didn't end well. As is, that has my curiosity piqued.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Contact her. But not through a third party. Either man up or don't. But if you want your answers, she at least deserves the ability to deal with you one on one. If you can't handle that, leave her alone and either deal with your gut feeling or not. I know you are right on that. That is why I was embarrassed for having considered it. There's not much I haven't considered lately, I'm afraid. As mentioned, I do not feel like myself. I feel insane.
Tenacity Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Can I ask you about your situation? You don't have to answer. I only ask because it sounds like he was separated and like it didn't end well. As is, that has my curiosity piqued. Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284585/ Yes, we were both separated and living apart from spouses when we started. I ended up divorcing for him. He had asked me to marry him, and we had found an apartment. He ended up going back to his M because when he told her about me she flipped. It took awhile, but that's what he ended up doing.
fooled once Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I will present everything as it has been presented to me. Obviously, I am here with some doubts. About a year and a half ago, I met a recently separated man. For background, I am 25 and he is 43. He told me he had been separated for a while, and the marriage had been dead long before they made it official. I am separated myself. My ex and I chose to remain legally married for insurance reasons for the meanwhile. Of course, we have always been aware that the other is dating, and my ex has met my current partner. (Naturally, as my ex and I share two children.) I went to where he lived. (It was rather sparse, and not commiserate with his actual income, but then, it is just him.) He lives in a different state from his wife and children and visits them on weekends. He stays in the house in the basement. About 5 months into the relationship, he spoke about bringing his children to meet me. At that point, I told him I believed it was too early and they needed time to adjust to their parents being apart if we were to have a chance for them not to despise me. I felt the age disparity would leave enough to overcome. Around the same point, he told me he wanted to marry me and was going to insist on pushing for the actual full divorce with his wife. He proposed. **So you have been to the marital home? I take it no one was there. And he 'showed' you where in the basement he sleeps? Did he have clothes in the master bedroom? And he has no divorce but he proposed? How can a married man be engaged to someone else? We continued on. We rented an apartment together. We disagreed on the point of him staying in the house with his ex when he flew back to the state they are in. I believed this would confuse the children. He believed this gave him more time with them, and saved another rent payment. (He has maintained his original apartment that he had when we met, so he has two. His home in the original state is paid for.) **Why couldn't he stay in a hotel? If they truly are separated, she wouldn't want him in the house. If they were truly separated, he wouldn't play this game, with kids who are probably teens. Teens aren't STUPID; they know their parents and how they react to things. So he has 2 apartments in the area where you all live and the original apartment is the one that the kids think he lives in? So exactly how is he 'saving' money? He is paying that rent; plus the rent on the place you live in. Can you afford the rent alone? If not, it was not a smart idea to rent an apartment with a MM. However, I submitted on the grounds that I do not know his children and parents should make the choices for their children, and this is what his ex and him agreed would be best for them. He had some jealousy that I had not yet filed for divorce after he proposed, as I was waiting for us to start planning on details, and saw this as a detail as it is certainly in name only. Other than this, it has been a good relationship. He stays in town with me whenever I request it. I do not do so often as I believe his kids need their dad, but I have done it occasionally on special occasions for myself or my children. **So neither of you are divorced and yet you guys are 'engaged'? How does that work? Does he see his kids EVERY weekend? As the relationship went on, I began inviting his three children down for events in the area I thought they might enjoy. It had been while over a year since the separation. He said he would try to work it out. Their schedules kept not working. **You invite his kids to events in your area; yet these kids have no idea that you even exist. He is stating "scheduling conflicts" for the reason they just can't seem to go to these events? And this has been going on HOW long? And you are buying this???? At a year into the relationship, he started really pushing buying a house together. (He said the legal separation would allow this.) I said I believed this would really hurt his kids feelings if they found out about it and it wouldn't be appropriate until after I met them. I found out then he hadn't discussed the kids meeting a woman, and had just planned on bringing them down and introducing his "friend". I told him he had to discuss it with her first, and if he was planning on marrying me, saying I was a friend would just upset them later. (This was based on the extensive reading I had done in fear of how to make this all work.) **Actually, buying a house with a MM is a dumb idea. Maybe YOU should talk to a lawyer about this; but from what I know, your husband and/or his wife could take part of that house. Since no one is married, and from what I am reading, not even really legally separated, the spouse is entitled to assets from the marriage. And he wants to introduce you as a 'friend' - even after allegedly being separated for a year? And you are buying this? Actually common sense tells me - and I was a single mom for several years - that you introduce kids after it is determined the relationship is serious. You don't just throw at your kids "hey, here's the person I am marrying, say hi to her". That is ridiculous. And again, considering I am guessing his kids are teens, they are NOT stupid. To treat them as if they are will really piss them off. Once they find out daddy has been living with someone else and keeping it a secret, all bets are off. He asked his ex and told me that she said No, and was very upset. I find out he did not give her all the details to make the right decision for her children. (He told her, bring the kids to meet the woman I've been dating, not "who I'm planning on marrying. I told my ex that our children can meet any woman once it is serious, but not before that point. So I find that relevant.) He said they would talk to a family counselor, over the phone, in separate sessions. This dragged on for a month to no real conclusion. He told me the counselor recommended his wife go to individual sessions because she is still not ready to acknowledge that the marriage is really over, and that there is no way to tell how moving forward when she is still not emotionally past the divorce. **Everyone handles their divorce/separation differently when dealing with the kids. My H's ex wanted to meet me and I told him she can pound sand. I had no desire to meet her until we were married. We met each others kids after we became serious - a few months into our relationship. We never ever had sleep overs in front of the kids until the month before our wedding, after my home was sold and my son and I moved in with him. The kids knew me/him and we had done several family outings. I met all my ex's kids because he kept bringing them to the house when he picked up our son (which really hurt my son because he never got alone time with his dad). I didn't need my ex's permission to introduce our son to my now H - I had sole custody. He didn't need my permission to introduce our son to his girlfriends. My now H didn't need permission from his ex wife to introduce his kids to me and his ex wife didn't ask his permission to introduce his kids to her boyfriends. He "told you" that the counselor said his wife needed individual therapy? And this was after how many "combined" phone call therapy appointments? There is no reason for her to be 'emotionally' past the divorce because there IS NO DIVORCE! Meanwhile, I was falling apart. I was beginning to feel like a secret, like a mistress. I started grabbing and reading his phone. I began questioning him not calling his kids in front of me. (He would call on the way home to save our time for just us. He would not make any calls in the evening after he got home.) I am not typically the jealous type. I looked up his wife online. I found her facebook page based on the email address in his address book. It was entirely private, but on a gut feeling, I told him I had looked it up and it said "Married." He told me that he had told her to keep that status so people didn't know she was home alone. That didn't make sense to me, but he is overly conservative about personal information security. **YOU are the mistress. YOU are a secret. No one in 'his' life knows you - not his wife, his kids or probably his family (parents, siblings, etc). So because he has proven to be untrustworthy, because you have to nag him to show you divorce papers, you went snooping on his wife. And you are grabbing his phone and snooping on who he is texting and what he is saying? And he told you he said he told HER to keep her info as MARRIED so people didn't know she is home alone? ON A PRIVATE PAGE? If they are truly separated, the ONLY people who can see her status are friends and they already KNOW she is separated. You really didn't fall for this one did you? It doesn't make sense because it is gibberish! You said yourself you can't see anything - because it is private. So who does he think they are protecting her from by her status being "married'. Heck, you don't even HAVE to show that on FB. Seriously, you believed this bull? I asked him for the divorce papers, and he said yes, but it took months for him to give them to me. He told me that he was putting it off because he hated that I didn't trust him when he supported me in everything. He eventually did give them to me. They did list the original date of separation as September 2009, half a year before we met, as he told me. There was a printed sentence at the end saying these papers were electronically signed and filed, so no actual signatures. He told me they have been edited some since the original filing, but I think that related to the assets distribution. I don't care about that. His kids should have as much of that as they need, and I'm sure his ex will see to that. **You do know how easy it is to fake a settlement / child custody agreement, right? And you do know that an electronic signature is not valid in a court, right? You know the papers MUST be signed and not have an electronic signature, because if that was the case, YOU could 'electronically sign' his divorce papers. If they have been edited since the "electronic signature", they must be filed with the court in order to be considered part of the actual divorce papers. You can't just willy nilly change them. I know this for a fact and I know for a fact that scratched out or edited papers MUST be initialed and notarized. As there was a question as to when I could meet the children, I asked to speak to his wife. I thought this would help me verify things, and help comfort her. I know, for me, I want to talk to the woman who would be very involved in my childrens lives, and gain comfort. He said she is not like me, and asked her. He said her reply was, "What is wrong with you?" and basically, Not on your life. He said she broke down into tears. This surprises me that this much after he said divorce was discussed as the ONLY conclusion that this reaction would be had, but he told me this is just how she is and how she always has been, and that I also don't understand 20 years married verse 5 years married (9 years together). My ex and I have been very cordial after a brief back and forth just afterward that we soon realized was not in the best interest of our kids. **You have no business speaking to his wife. She is not your wife. You just want her to validate all the things you have been TOLD by the lying MM. You also want to make sure she KNOWS YOU are in his life and engaged to him. how do you think YOU can comfort her??? Seriously - how? How would YOU be 'very involved' in her kids lives? Because the MM sees his kids how often? Every weekend? Every other weekend? So anywhere from 4 days a month to 8 days a month. That isn't "VERY" involved. He never asked his wife anything. He is feeding you so many lines. Just because you and your ex are cordial does not mean other divorced couples are that way. ESPECIALLY when one spouse is lying to the other spouse IMHO, she has no idea you exist. NONE. He has changed from talking about getting married this winter, to next spring. He still is talking about an imminent house. He says that he can push this, but that he has to consider what is right for the kids, and for our future relationship. I DO want to do what is right for the kids. I'm not sure this is it, as I think they will feel misled. For my own self, I don't mind kids coming first, but it bothers me to think his ex is "in charge of" our relationship. However, the timeline seems so short that I feel like I should hang in there. However, he could always change the time line again. **Honey, there is no marriage on the horizon. You are bothered by the fact that there IS a wife. And FWIW, of course she is 'in charge' of things kid related - her Husband doesn't live with her FULLTIME. She is raising those kids, not him. Is there there at night to do homework? Parent - teacher conferences? Discipline? Enforcing chores? No. He is in another state playing house with you. I still feel a lot of doubt even with the papers. I do not feel like myself. On the other hand, other than the situation, our relationship is great. I do not distrust him for anything he has done, just the situation and the cumulative effect of it. **Until those papers have a court stamp on them, I wouldn't believe them. Heck, you can order papers online or download a copy and change the names. I want to contact her. I have considered giving her a call, writing a letter, or sending an email, and telling her that she is welcome to contact me if she wants to at any point, but that I would not contact her again and push it. It probably would not be an email because the address was at least at one point a joint email address. **Leave her alone. Tell him until he is LEGALLY divorced, he needs to stay away from you. Hang him the ring back and tell him to call you when the divorce is final AND he has had some counseling. She has no reason to need to hear from you or contact you. I don't know if I should. If she truly does not want to hear from me, it's inappropriate and pushy. If he is lying, we both deserve to know. **Yes it is inappropriate and pushy. But I think you know that. I think you know things aren't what he has made them to be and you want validation from that. Which is why I say hand the ring back and tell him you are done dating a MM/Separated man. I have considered texting about the situation with the kids from his phone, and seeing the response. If he found out and was not lying, this would of course not be good, and could perhaps mean the end of the relationship. **LEAVE HIS KIDS ALONE. They have no idea you exist. Can you image the horror they would endure getting a message from dad's girlfriend? WHY would you do that to them??? I have considered having a friend contact her on my behalf, so a third party separated me from it. (My friends all like him and talk about how in love with me he is, though I've only gone into the details of my doubts with one. That one party said she would be shocked after meeting him to find out he was capable of such deception, but the details are such that she is worried about me.) **The guy is good at deceiving. So only 1 person knows the truth that he is still married, you are a hidden mistress and the kids have no idea you exist? I have told him how I feel, and that I feel like I am going crazy. He said if he could wave a magic wand and make everything the way we want it to be, but he can't, and he has to consider how to make everyone happy in this. **He could easily make you feel better by actually GETTING A DIVORCE and stopping all the lip service. But you are believing him so he has no need to actually GET a divorce. You are willing to settle for being his secret girlfriend. he can make everyone happy by BEING HONEST. I know that is quite a concept and one he would not like. To admit to his wife that he is cheating, to tell his kids he has been cheating and to tell you he really isn't separated. I have considered leaving him on the grounds that I shouldn't be with someone I do not trust, but I truly believe it wouldn't be an issue without the crazy situation. Also, I love him. My children love him. I introduced them after he proposed (too soon in retrospect, I guess.) and they have become very close. (My children are both very young.) I would hate to yank someone from their lives. There is also a financial impact in that I cannot afford this lease without him, cannot afford many of my childrens activities without him, and so on. I have made choices in this past year as a couple with relatively high income, not as a single mom with very limited income. This does not matter of course if I am being lied to and being used to lie to another woman, but short of that, it is a consideration. **You don't have to have grounds to leave him. You can leave him because you respect yourself more than his lies. You can leave him because you refuse to be the hidden girlfriend. You can leave him because he needs to get his crap together. You will have to yank him from your kids lives eventually - because when his wife finds out, he will probably go crawling back to her. Hopefully she will kick him to the curb, and then you can 'win him' by default. His kids will probably never accept you; because you participated in the affair. Who knows. Also, his kids may never like yours - because your kids are living with THEIR dad. Kids are very protective of their parents. So leaving him means your financial lifestyle will change. Right now, his wife (if she is working) is helping pay your bills. Even without her working, you are still benefitting from marital assets. When his kids find out he has been spending money on you and your kids, again, they are not going to be pleased. You should not have relied on him financially until he was divorced. I understand that you already did that; but you need to separate that immediately. If you can't afford where you live on your own, find a roommate or another place to live Live within YOUR means. Do you really want to continue to be more dependent on him when he is still married? What thoughts do those of you not invested in this situation have? My thoughts above in bold. You are in a mess of a situation. Get out now. He has no respect for you, your kids, his wife or their kids. He only cares about himself. He has no problem hiding you from those in his life because they would tell him what a selfish jerk he is to be doing this to his wife (lying, betraying, etc). If he is done with his wife - he should have been a man and divorced her; not a coward and played these games. You are 25; you have a lot of growing to do and hopefully this situation has taught you a lot. Unfortunately, you are going to be hurt, as are your kids. Tell him see ya until the divorce is final. If he loves you, shouldn't be an issue. But I have a feeling his wife has no idea they are separated.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 This response felt a little harsh to me but I have responded. Thank you for your opinions. **So you have been to the marital home? I take it no one was there. And he 'showed' you where in the basement he sleeps? Did he have clothes in the master bedroom? And he has no divorce but he proposed? How can a married man be engaged to someone else? I have not been to the marital home. I've never been to the state they live in. That wouldn't feel appropriate in any circumstance other than the ex wanted to meet me and invited me there herself. **Why couldn't he stay in a hotel? If they truly are separated, she wouldn't want him in the house. If they were truly separated, he wouldn't play this game, with kids who are probably teens. Teens aren't STUPID; they know their parents and how they react to things. So he has 2 apartments in the area where you all live and the original apartment is the one that the kids think he lives in? So exactly how is he 'saving' money? He is paying that rent; plus the rent on the place you live in. Can you afford the rent alone? If not, it was not a smart idea to rent an apartment with a MM. The apartment he has had a long term lease on it. We went over the cost to end the lease verse the storage for the additional furniture and it didn't make sense. It does end at the end of this month. No, I cannot afford the rent on my own. I did not consider it renting with a married man, obviously, any more than I consider myself a married woman. I wouldn't have done it. He told me she agreed to have him stay in the house when he came until the divorce was final in exchange for certain things in the divorce (the entire paid off house) He is always available to talk to when he is in town. I try not to call incessantly because I don't want to interrupt his limited time with his kids. However, whenever I do call, I get an immediate answer and normal chat, whether noon or 2 am. **So neither of you are divorced and yet you guys are 'engaged'? How does that work? Does he see his kids EVERY weekend? He proposed, I'm not sure we are quite engaged. To me engaged is sending out guest lists and reserving a facility. I told him I wanted to marry him but it wasn't appropriate yet. However, it did seem serious enough that I felt comfortable introducing my kids. He sees his kids most weekends. He stays whenever I ask, like I said, but I don't ask very often. **You invite his kids to events in your area; yet these kids have no idea that you even exist. He is stating "scheduling conflicts" for the reason they just can't seem to go to these events? And this has been going on HOW long? And you are buying this???? After enough time passed since the separation I started asking them to events. I thought it would be best if I met them with other things going on. This has been the last few months. After the first, the doubts started. **Actually, buying a house with a MM is a dumb idea. Maybe YOU should talk to a lawyer about this; but from what I know, your husband and/or his wife could take part of that house. Since no one is married, and from what I am reading, not even really legally separated, the spouse is entitled to assets from the marriage. And he wants to introduce you as a 'friend' - even after allegedly being separated for a year? And you are buying this? Actually common sense tells me - and I was a single mom for several years - that you introduce kids after it is determined the relationship is serious. You don't just throw at your kids "hey, here's the person I am marrying, say hi to her". That is ridiculous. And again, considering I am guessing his kids are teens, they are NOT stupid. To treat them as if they are will really piss them off. Once they find out daddy has been living with someone else and keeping it a secret, all bets are off. He has told me that they are legally separated and that their assets are split. He also has divorce proceedings underway. He told me his lawyer says there is no property issues at this point in the process. However, I'm not okay with getting a house before I met the kids because that would be obvious and I thought would hurt them. While I doubt a lot of things, I do not doubt his financial and business acumen. In my state, living apart means legally separated. There is no separate process. My ex and I have talked to a lawyer about all those issues. I have disagreed with him on the child issue. As I mentioned, that's one of the disagreements we have had. He has one child who is a teenager, the others are not. I do tend to want to back down from what the parents choose because I am not their mom and what I think is best for them is really not relevant. **Everyone handles their divorce/separation differently when dealing with the kids. My H's ex wanted to meet me and I told him she can pound sand. I had no desire to meet her until we were married. We met each others kids after we became serious - a few months into our relationship. We never ever had sleep overs in front of the kids until the month before our wedding, after my home was sold and my son and I moved in with him. The kids knew me/him and we had done several family outings. I met all my ex's kids because he kept bringing them to the house when he picked up our son (which really hurt my son because he never got alone time with his dad). I didn't need my ex's permission to introduce our son to my now H - I had sole custody. He didn't need my permission to introduce our son to his girlfriends. My now H didn't need permission from his ex wife to introduce his kids to me and his ex wife didn't ask his permission to introduce his kids to her boyfriends. He "told you" that the counselor said his wife needed individual therapy? And this was after how many "combined" phone call therapy appointments? There is no reason for her to be 'emotionally' past the divorce because there IS NO DIVORCE! I thought it was appropriate for him to discuss any matter involving the kids with her first. My ex and I did so, and found it much more comfortable to meet the others. I have met a few of my ex's girlfriends without him having intent to meet the kids because they wanted verification we were truly separated and nothing was happening. Letting it dictate everything is leaving me far more unsure. **YOU are the mistress. YOU are a secret. No one in 'his' life knows you - not his wife, his kids or probably his family (parents, siblings, etc). So because he has proven to be untrustworthy, because you have to nag him to show you divorce papers, you went snooping on his wife. And you are grabbing his phone and snooping on who he is texting and what he is saying? And he told you he said he told HER to keep her info as MARRIED so people didn't know she is home alone? ON A PRIVATE PAGE? If they are truly separated, the ONLY people who can see her status are friends and they already KNOW she is separated. You really didn't fall for this one did you? It doesn't make sense because it is gibberish! You said yourself you can't see anything - because it is private. So who does he think they are protecting her from by her status being "married'. Heck, you don't even HAVE to show that on FB. Seriously, you believed this bull? I don't have much to say to this because it seems to exist entirely to insult me on what I already said was making me uncomfortable. **You do know how easy it is to fake a settlement / child custody agreement, right? And you do know that an electronic signature is not valid in a court, right? You know the papers MUST be signed and not have an electronic signature, because if that was the case, YOU could 'electronically sign' his divorce papers. I do not know much about any of that stuff, actually. Have never had reason to. **You have no business speaking to his wife. She is not your wife. You just want her to validate all the things you have been TOLD by the lying MM. You also want to make sure she KNOWS YOU are in his life and engaged to him. how do you think YOU can comfort her??? Seriously - how? How would YOU be 'very involved' in her kids lives? Because the MM sees his kids how often? Every weekend? Every other weekend? So anywhere from 4 days a month to 8 days a month. That isn't "VERY" involved. He never asked his wife anything. He is feeding you so many lines. Just because you and your ex are cordial does not mean other divorced couples are that way. ESPECIALLY when one spouse is lying to the other spouse IMHO, she has no idea you exist. NONE. I want to make sure we are on the same page and neither of us are getting fed lines, yes. If we are, I think she deserves to know. If we are, I have no interest in him. He sees his kids almost every weekend. It could be more if it weren't for the awkwardness of basically having two separate families right now. The agreement is supposed to be 50/50 custody during the summer (now), and he hasn't been taking all of it. It's more than my ex sees our kids, normally (though he is welcome to take them out whenever he wishes, girls need their dad.) **Honey, there is no marriage on the horizon. You are bothered by the fact that there IS a wife. And FWIW, of course she is 'in charge' of things kid related - her Husband doesn't live with her FULLTIME. She is raising those kids, not him. Is there there at night to do homework? Parent - teacher conferences? Discipline? Enforcing chores? No. He is in another state playing house with you. I would not be bothered if I knew it was all as said... but hell yeah, I'm bothered if there is still a marriage in any way but the legal sense. That is not what I signed up for. **Until those papers have a court stamp on them, I wouldn't believe them. Heck, you can order papers online or download a copy and change the names. I would have to ask to see the papers again. I thought I should ask to see the papers, but had no clue what to look for on them. What is the court stamp like? **Leave her alone. Tell him until he is LEGALLY divorced, he needs to stay away from you. Hang him the ring back and tell him to call you when the divorce is final AND he has had some counseling. She has no reason to need to hear from you or contact you. Thank you for your opinion. **Yes it is inappropriate and pushy. But I think you know that. I think you know things aren't what he has made them to be and you want validation from that. Which is why I say hand the ring back and tell him you are done dating a MM/Separated man. I can say for sure telling her would not be for any vindication, just feeling she deserves to know if it is a lie. I would be pissed if I knew I was being lied to so long, but certainly not at her, she would be a victim in that scenario, but at him. I would want to know myself. Kind of a do unto others thing, in my point of view. If he is telling me the truth and she doesn't want to hear from me, only then do I think it is inappropriate and pushy. **LEAVE HIS KIDS ALONE. They have no idea you exist. Can you image the horror they would endure getting a message from dad's girlfriend? WHY would you do that to them??? I would never contact his kids like that. That's not what I meant. I meant text her as if it were from him. Not that that is really mature, but even in my insanity I wouldn't do THAT. **The guy is good at deceiving. So only 1 person knows the truth that he is still married, you are a hidden mistress and the kids have no idea you exist? Many know he is legally separated and in the process of the divorce, as they know the same for me. Only one knows I have any doubts and why I have them. No one has called me a hidden mistress. I have serious doubts anyone would think I would be a mistress, and if I knew this is what this was, I would be gone. **He could easily make you feel better by actually GETTING A DIVORCE and stopping all the lip service. But you are believing him so he has no need to actually GET a divorce. You are willing to settle for being his secret girlfriend. he can make everyone happy by BEING HONEST. I know that is quite a concept and one he would not like. To admit to his wife that he is cheating, to tell his kids he has been cheating and to tell you he really isn't separated. He says the divorce will be final by the end of the year and just takes times. There has been a fight over some values. There are significant assets involved. He says that when they legally separated it was made clear it was the end of the marriage and he would be dating going forward. If that is true, he is not cheating. If it is not, then he should still tell his damn wife but there is no reason to tell his kids because there is no me. **You don't have to have grounds to leave him. You can leave him because you respect yourself more than his lies. You can leave him because you refuse to be the hidden girlfriend. You can leave him because he needs to get his crap together. You will have to yank him from your kids lives eventually - because when his wife finds out, he will probably go crawling back to her. Hopefully she will kick him to the curb, and then you can 'win him' by default. His kids will probably never accept you; because you participated in the affair. Who knows. Also, his kids may never like yours - because your kids are living with THEIR dad. Kids are very protective of their parents. I knew this whole post seemed laced with insults but this seems completely unrelated to anything. Win him by default? When did I ever say I was interested in that? I'm not interested in winning anybody. I'm not interested in FIGHTING for anybody. I'm interested in the man I love being voluntarily with me and free of any emotional bond with another. Legal, I don't care about paper if that's not what the fact of it is. (As in my case.) What is this vitriol? So leaving him means your financial lifestyle will change. Right now, his wife (if she is working) is helping pay your bills. Even without her working, you are still benefitting from marital assets. When his kids find out he has been spending money on you and your kids, again, they are not going to be pleased. When I made these choices, it's under the idea that he is legally separated with SEPARATE finances. We do have a joint account. No, his ex does not work. She will not have to work another day in her life if she doesn't want to, based on the financial settlement I read. You should not have relied on him financially until he was divorced. I understand that you already did that; but you need to separate that immediately. If you can't afford where you live on your own, find a roommate or another place to live Live within YOUR means. Do you really want to continue to be more dependent on him when he is still married? As I said, if I found out this was not true, then the financial picture doesn't matter. It does matter in making rash decisions if he is telling me the truth and patience makes a difference. Get out now. He has no respect for you, your kids, his wife or their kids. He only cares about himself. He has no problem hiding you from those in his life because they would tell him what a selfish jerk he is to be doing this to his wife (lying, betraying, etc). If he is done with his wife - he should have been a man and divorced her; not a coward and played these games. Again, I have been led to believe he has been divorcing her and it is just awaiting official paperworks. I would not have been involved with him if he was not separated. If he is married and says he is divorcing now, and is divorced in a week, it doesn't matter, I would not be involved with him after all those lies and hurt. So it's a matter of what is the truth. I am really not sure how to "know" I'm getting it from anybody but her, I guess, if paperwork is faked etc. Okay, responded. Hopefully, I clarified some things. I might not have.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284585/ Yes, we were both separated and living apart from spouses when we started. I ended up divorcing for him. He had asked me to marry him, and we had found an apartment. He ended up going back to his M because when he told her about me she flipped. It took awhile, but that's what he ended up doing. Thank you for posting your story, Tenacity. It helps.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Is there anything that would be an appropriate ultimatum to know if this is the truth or not? As in, I am tired of feeling like a secret. Unless ____, I have to say goodbye for my own sanity. I feel like I should meet his kids, if everything he has said is true. However, if it is not the best thing for them, I do not believe I should put my needs before the kids. I'm an adult. If his wife doesn't want to talk to me, that's not an appropriate statement, either. Meet his mother? Anything else? Is it possible to give an appropriate option there? Papers I could see or verify that would be valid, and in that case, what do I look for? I obviously did not know before. It's hard to see what has been filed in a state other than my own, though I suppose I could ask for a plane ticket to fly up there and check any public records. He has told me lately he would do anything to make me feel better as long as it doesn't hurt his children, though I haven't tested that. He says it hurts that I don't trust him when he hasn't done anything to betray my trust, but that he understands that the situation is difficult. I have to go to sleep now. It's late, and I have to be up early. If anyone responds, thank you and I will read later.
Emme Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 WhatDaniKnows, I’m reading your post and I am trying my best to remain objective but it’s clear to me that you love drama. I read your post and it’s wishy-washy. You’re back and forth about you want what’s best for the children. It’s clear that your not. You want what’s best for you. You might not see it that way but your entire post is mainly about your concerns. The thing about give and take is it’s a two way street. Sometimes in life you are not assured the final end result you want. That’s where you have to accept what’s handed to you even though you might be uncomfortable with it. You seem as though you are prepared to only accept what you want. If you do not trust him, end the relationship. It’s that simple. If his words are not the words you want to hear, there’s a reason why. You must have a feeling that he can’t be trusted. That emotion has to come from somewhere. Figure out why. If you are not content with his words, that’s on you. Don’t push yourself up in his presumed ex-wife’s face. If she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t like you. Deal with it! If he’s lying so be it. This is your man. You should know whether or not his words are true. Work on your own relationship. Don’t bring others in to verify. Regardless of what you might think ex-wives are not dumb and she’s probably already trained her kids to know who you really are besides a “friend”. I know you would like to build that bridge to his ex but let her be the one to build it if she’s interested. You came into her life. She doesn’t have to do deal with you at all my dear. Her connection is with the father of her children and him only. She doesn’t even have to acknowledge your existence. So, your task is not to work on how to get the truth by bringing his ex into this situation. Your task is to figure out why you don’t trust this man you are about to marry. Why do you need to control every aspect of this relationship because if you don’t everything is lie. The whole finance issue … You are a stuck woman by choice. It is your choice. Also … that second apartment on the side, tell him to get rid of it. It could be used for affairs. READ YOUR POST AGAIN.... SERIOUSLY READ IT! Is there anything that would be an appropriate ultimatum to know if this is the truth or not? As in, I am tired of feeling like a secret. Unless ____, I have to say goodbye for my own sanity. I feel like I should meet his kids, if everything he has said is true. However, if it is not the best thing for them, I do not believe I should put my needs before the kids. I'm an adult. If his wife doesn't want to talk to me, that's not an appropriate statement, either. Meet his mother? Anything else? Is it possible to give an appropriate option there? Papers I could see or verify that would be valid, and in that case, what do I look for? I obviously did not know before. It's hard to see what has been filed in a state other than my own, though I suppose I could ask for a plane ticket to fly up there and check any public records. He has told me lately he would do anything to make me feel better as long as it doesn't hurt his children GOOD MAN, though I haven't tested that. He says it hurts that I don't trust him when he hasn't done anything to betray my trust, but that he understands that the situation is difficult. I have to go to sleep now. It's late, and I have to be up early. If anyone responds, thank you and I will read later. Now ask yourself why are you with him.
alexandria35 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Dani it sounds like you are really being conned, and every time you try to further explain, it just gets worse. Your MM seems to have an answer for everything doesn't he? You want to meet his kids. Well you can't because his wife won't allow it. You want to speak with his wife. You can't because his wife doesn't want to speak to you. You want to meet his friends. You can't because he doesn't have any friends where you live. You want to meet his friends from home. You can't because they all moved away. You want to meet his siblings. You can't because he never sees his siblings. You want to meet his mother. You can't because his mother is difficult. Ummm...are you seeing something wrong with this? Does this even sound plausible to you? I'm a true introvert and a bit of a loner by nature and even I have more of a family and social life then your MM does. I mean seriously...he doesn't have a single friend or family member that he visits? Seriously? You say lots of people know that your MM is seperated and getting divorced. Well what people would these be? The ones that you are never allowed to meet, talk to, or even lay eyes on? How would you ever know what his people know if you are never allowed to have contact with them in any way, shape or form? You say no one has called you a hidden mistress. Well that might be because any of the people who might call you that, don't even know you exist. I suspect this is why he won't even call anyone he knows from home in your presence. He wouldn't want them to overhear you in the background and ask who you are. I think fooled once knew that you had never been in the marital home when she asked you if you had been there. I believe it was her way of pointing out that since you haven't you have no way of knowing where he sleeps when he is there. He could tell you he sleeps in the basement or perched in a tree and you have to buy it. I also find the seperation papers suspect. As fooled once said, electronic signatures are not legally binding. He said the agreement has since been modified and changed. Then why couldn't he show the recent agreement? Why did he have to dig up the first ones filed in 2009? that it took months for him to show you? I say either he completely faked the papers, or he and his wife did draw up papers at one time but never followed through with it. Initially I thought maybe your MM went home maybe once a month to see his kids, but you recently said he goes to see his kids every weekend. So every weekend his wife has him sleeping in her basement? And since he never talks to his family and all of his friends have moved away and his mother is difficult, I guess he must get pretty stir crazy in that basement all by his lonesome self. Odd that he would want to spend every weekend in those circumstances. Even odder that his wife puts up with that after 2 years of being seperated. You said you can talk to him anytime while he is there. So let me ask you, are his family or children ever in the same room with him when he is talking to you? Is he fine with them overhearing his conversations with you? or does he sneak away to talk on the phone to you? Just like he makes sure you are never around when he talks on the phone to his family? You said something along the lines of you just don't feel right or feel like yourself. I think that is your intuition and you should pay attention because there is something definitely off with your situation. I can understand why you want to talk to his wife and personally I feel like you should. I know many will say you have no business contacting his wife and I understand that sentiment. However I think you are both being deceived in some way and the quickest way to find out would be to talk to her.
TurboGirl Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Dani, First, let me address the age difference. What do you see in a man of 43? You are 25! Technically he is old enough to be your father. I read your post... your story. I don't think he is separated, I think he is back together with his wife. He dragged his feet showing you the papers... not good and they are dated quite a while ago. They could be back together. Especially the 2 apartment thing, and the fact that you have been with him for a long time and not met his kids (hint - the AGE difference is gonna freak them out if in fact he really is separated) He stays in the basement, huh? I don't believe that for a NY minute. The "married" thing on facebook - his excuse was totally lame. Only her friends are supposed to see that page, and she could put "single" and have an alarm system or a big mean dog at her house. BS. If he is truly separated, he is way too emotionally involved and vested with his supposed "ex-wife." Too much worrying about her, and letting her call the shots. I don't think he is separated, and I think that he is using her for an excuse. Don't you think there is ALOT OF DRAMA here? Wow. Keep your "friend" out of it. If you REALLY want to contact his wife, be a big grown up girl, do it yourself, and be prepared for the consequences and the fallout, whatever that may be. a) he is not really separated and lives with her and the kids b) he IS separated but secretly going to counseling to get back together with her c) he IS separated...and gets totally pissed with you for going behind his back. Girl I don't trust this situation. My gut tells me he's lying to you. And, as I said earlier, if he is NOT lying to you, he is still too attached to the wife. Ordinarily I say not to contact the Wife... and supposedly, she knows about you. (OH, by the way... meeting you would never be a comfort to her let me clear that up for you right now- you are 25, remember? She is probably in her 40s) In this case, I say contact the wife & let the chips fall where they may. Then you will know and can kick that lying SOB out of your life and move on.
Loni Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 The only practical advice I can give you is what I would give a wife. Start saving money so that you can get out of this. He has given you notice. I would stay away from his wife until you are in a position to support yourself since you may well speed her arrival before you have your ducks ready. You are 25 and he is in his 40's. What the hell do you have in common? If he is in his 40's I am guessing his children are either teenagers or close to being teenagers. Honey, even if you did meet them they will not accept you. At 25 you do not have the tools to be a step parent to children who are probably within 10 to 15 years your junior.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Initially I thought maybe your MM went home maybe once a month to see his kids, but you recently said he goes to see his kids every weekend. So every weekend his wife has him sleeping in her basement? And since he never talks to his family and all of his friends have moved away and his mother is difficult, I guess he must get pretty stir crazy in that basement all by his lonesome self. Odd that he would want to spend every weekend in those circumstances. Even odder that his wife puts up with that after 2 years of being seperated. You said you can talk to him anytime while he is there. So let me ask you, are his family or children ever in the same room with him when he is talking to you? Is he fine with them overhearing his conversations with you? or does he sneak away to talk on the phone to you? Just like he makes sure you are never around when he talks on the phone to his family? He talks to me in front of them routinely. He answers whenever I call, whatever he is doing. I have heard them in the background. Also, I have been around a few times when he calls home, the asking for the kids from the wife. We have gone on vacation and I have heard it then. The whole of it does make me uneasy. You said something along the lines of you just don't feel right or feel like yourself. I think that is your intuition and you should pay attention because there is something definitely off with your situation. I can understand why you want to talk to his wife and personally I feel like you should. I know many will say you have no business contacting his wife and I understand that sentiment. However I think you are both being deceived in some way and the quickest way to find out would be to talk to her. Thank you for your advice
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 WhatDaniKnows, I’m reading your post and I am trying my best to remain objective but it’s clear to me that you love drama. . I suppose you are welcome to your opinion on that. All I want is the drama gone. Yeah, I'm concerned about my happiness, and my childrens happiness. That doesn't mean I'm not concerned about anything else.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) You are 25 and he is in his 40's. What the hell do you have in common? If he is in his 40's I am guessing his children are either teenagers or close to being teenagers. Honey, even if you did meet them they will not accept you. At 25 you do not have the tools to be a step parent to children who are probably within 10 to 15 years your junior. Thank you for your advice. We have a lot in common. We have more in common than I do with my ex who is only a year older. My ex only wanted to watch television every night. My boyfriend agrees with not owning one. We have the same hobbies. We have the same outlooks and beliefs on the world. I'm not sure how the age difference determines what we have in common. His kids are 7, 9, and 14. My kids are 3 and 5. I don't think of him as 43 most the time. The only time it really comes up is the looks. I do look very young for my age, and he does look his age, so we do get them. However, I don't think that should inform my relationship. The age difference is not what I'm concerned about here. He has treated me well. If you asked me months ago before this with the kids, I would have not believed for the world he would lie to me. I didn't like him staying there, but I knew it had to be true because it is HIM and he treats me wonderfully and we love each other. It's just too much has happened, and I don't know if it's signature of the situation or signature of a lie. As I said, my ex and I get along quite well as long as we aren't married. Others here have said they would in fact have none of that. Edited July 9, 2011 by WhatDaniKnows
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 After reading this I was discussing with him about how I feel like a secret from everyone in his life. I told him it makes me feel dishonest myself, and I don't enjoy dishonesty. He said he'd figure out a trip for us to meet his family members this weekend. (Figure it out this weekend, not trip this weekend.)
jwi71 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Do you contact his W? Given all you have said, yes. Since you have accepted his proposal (I presume) and have his ring (you are wearing your engagement ring right?) then it is appropriate for you and his soon to be ex-wife to have lunch together. You will be playing a large role in those kids lives - their birth mother and yourself NEED to have a conversation about roles and expectations. Having a good working relationship with his stbxw is priceless for everyone. So, pick up the phone and call her. Ask if you can fly down to her and have lunch - clear the air and hopefully you and her can have productive and respectful relationship. Likewise, its time for your MM to meet the biological father of your kids and for the same reasons. Also, time to file for D.
Author WhatDaniKnows Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) Do you contact his W? Given all you have said, yes. Since you have accepted his proposal (I presume) and have his ring (you are wearing your engagement ring right?) then it is appropriate for you and his soon to be ex-wife to have lunch together. You will be playing a large role in those kids lives - their birth mother and yourself NEED to have a conversation about roles and expectations. Having a good working relationship with his stbxw is priceless for everyone. So, pick up the phone and call her. Ask if you can fly down to her and have lunch - clear the air and hopefully you and her can have productive and respectful relationship. Likewise, its time for your MM to meet the biological father of your kids and for the same reasons. Also, time to file for D. I have the ring in my jewelry box. I don't feel comfortable wearing it yet. It bothers my boyfriend but he understands. He has met the father of my kids. We all did dinner before he met my kids. Since, we have all been at events. It's all been exactly how my ex and I agreed. I was waiting on divorce until details are worked out because I lose insurance and my ex loses certain tax advantages; We discussed it all with a lawyer. We have an arrangement worked out and the lawyer says with that in mind it will take less than two months once we file it to become finalized. I feel the same about his ex, but if she is refusing and doesn't want to meet, what can I do? I do think he should tell her the seriousness of the relationship if he wants her to make an honest decision. Edited July 9, 2011 by WhatDaniKnows
alexandria35 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I have the ring in my jewelry box. I don't feel comfortable wearing it yet. It bothers my boyfriend but he understands. He has met the father of my kids. We all did dinner before he met my kids. Since, we have all been at events. It's all been exactly how my ex and I agreed. I was waiting on divorce until details are worked out because I lose insurance and my ex loses certain tax advantages; We discussed it all with a lawyer. We have an arrangement worked out and the lawyer says with that in mind it will take less than two months once we file it to become finalized. I feel the same about his ex, but if she is refusing and doesn't want to meet, what can I do? I do think he should tell her the seriousness of the relationship if he wants her to make an honest decision. Well we don't know for sure if she is refusing to talk to you. It's quite possible she is, but as I said before, your MM has a ready excuse for you not talking to anyone he knows. Is there anyway you get a message to her? A note saying something along the lines of "hey I understand if you don't want to meet me, but I would really like to meet you, so if you ever want to talk to me you can reach me at XXXXXX" Of course it would have to be sent to her in a way that your MM couldn't intercept it. Anything is possible, perhaps he really is seperated but just very reluctant to go forward with the divorce. However spending every weekend living in the same house as her is very odd. I had a similar arrangement with my ex when he lived out of town. He would come to town maybe once every 3 or 4 months to visit the kids and stay at my place. However when he was at my place I left. I would spend the weekend with my mom or at my bf's house, or wherever because I simply didn't want to be at home when my ex was staying there. This only happened a handfull of times and then I put a stop to it as it soon became apparent that it wasn't a good idea. I resented feeling homeless when he was there, I missed my kids and my bed, my kids didn't like me leaving and my bf at the time didn't like it either even though he knew for a fact that I didn't spend any time in my house with my ex there. If what your MM says about his wife not accepting the divorce is true, then isn't he just feeding the problem by spending every weekend with her in their house?
Recommended Posts