dixome11 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Im 23 years old, My gf is 24 years old. Ok, I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, but also as detailed as possible lol. My gf and I just recently broke up a month ago today. We started dating three years ago and she has a 3 year old son. My gf has had a very rough childhood, her dad was a drug addict, now clean for 4 years and her mom was a very low income parent. Her parents separated when she was very young, they were actually never married. At 18 she got involved in a bad situation and began dating an older guy who was a drug dealer. Needless to say they wound up having a child a few years later. She wound up leaving him for good and got her act straight, which led her to meeting me. We started dating in June, 2008. Everything was amazing and I immediately felt a connection to her. About 5 months later she left me and said that she didn't want to be in a relationship and that she wanted to focus on school and her son. This reasoning behind this was she went back to her ex to try and salvage her family, but within two months realized she made a mistake and we got back together. I started living with her right about the time we got back together and her son and I developed a very strong relationship. Her son's father wound up dying in April of 2009, the lifestyle only gives so much. After his passing she turned into a wreck and became very depressed. We got through it as I was by her side every minute of the time. As time went on her son began seeing me daily and thinking of me being his father. My gf began to know she wanted a future with me and her son started calling me dad, even until this day. He thinks I am his father and that's all he knows. Our relationship has really always been amazing, we hardly fought and really had fun together. There have however been two things that have hurt our relationship, and I suppose it was the last straw last month. My gf has always been tough on me with contributing financially and becoming more of an independent. As I explained earlier, she had a tough upbringing and was forced to grow up quickly. I however have a very supportive family who is always there when I need something. My family loves her and her son, and her son has actually started calling my parents nana and grandpa. We are both in school and I was going into my last semester, we are both going for teaching. I wasn't able to contribute financially like she wanted because of this, but I was there every night with her and our son, putting him to bed and treating her amazingly. She also got very upset that I was so close to my family and she wanted me to be more of a man and separate from that "child" role my parents portray of me. Well last month she told me that she didn't feel the same about me and that she loved me, but isn't in love. She said that she has been feeling this way for a while because i refused to grow up. I told her that she is absolutely right, if I choose this relationship then I should step up now that I graduated and am working steadily. She said that it's to late and that she just got sick of it and that we could be friends, but it won't work because she doesn't trust I'll change. I am very confident in how I treated her and our son, I did everything I could for her and treated her like gold compared to her relationship with a drug dealer who beat her and emotionally belittled her. She said that she would never take our son out of my life but we could not work out. So i probably did exactly what I should do. I begged her to give me another chance, telling her that I will step up and show her I can contribute financially and be a man now, even though I stepped into the fatherly role unwillingly because I love that kid and her. I feel she doesn't give me any credit for the role I stepped in to. She doesn't handle controvery very well and begins to drink and become depressed. Her mother got extremely mad at her because she thought it was selfish to do to her son. Needless to say I have found of that she is talking to another guy, a guy that is in his 30's, has no car, lived with her Uncle for some reason and is a drunk. This guy called me once and told me that I need to stay away from her or there will be big problems and she has no interest in me. We usually talked every day for the first two weeks, before bed and she would tell me she loves me but right now she needs her space and she needs to have those feelings again. The worst part is that We both work summer school together, have since the first summer we started dating. I got a teaching job but she is an aide because she is in her last year of school. The first day of summer school was last Friday. We dont talk at all anymore on the phone or even text, im sure because of this guy. We walked by each other in the morning and it was very awkward. She texted me immediately and said that she felt sick when she walked by me and she wanted to see if she can get transferred because she cant face seeing me every morning. Basically I again texted her asking her why she wont let me save our family and show her that I can be who she wants me to be. She said it's to late and that I should have thought about it. I saw her in the parking lot at the end of the day and she asked me for a hug and said she loved me but she can't be with me right now, again probably because of this guy. I tried everything, telling her I will make you happy, blah blah blah. I didn't call her or text her all weekend, the next day of work together was Wednesday. I acted really happy when I came in and when I went to get the kids off the bus we crossed paths. She smiled at me and asked me, "why didn't you call me or text me this weekend." I told her I just didn't and that I went camping, which I did, she was supposed to as well. She said whenever you want to see our son to call her, I told her I want to see her though and she immediately got upset and said it's not going to happen. We actually had a really good conversation and were laughing. I asked her how she doesn't miss me, since she doesnt call me. She said she does miss me and thinks about me but she had to tell me something that was eating away at her. I immediately got nervous. She said that ever since her son's father died she has been taking pills uncontrollably. She said she is embarrassed and that is why she is up and down. I told her I'm glad she told me and it explains alot. She said she stopped taking them and has been withdrawing, and this guy has been helping her with it because he went through it before, so I got left for a drunk, ex addict, awesome!! Again I asked her to just think about getting our family back because it's worth it since we had an amazing relationship, plus Kaden (her son) deserves it. We talked pretty much the whole day, she texted me and told me she had a break to come see her. I went to go see her and it was weird, the first thing she said was, "you still need to get your things from my house", so I immediately got defensive and said please just let's see what happens and let me show you I will make you happy. I asked her to talk after school but this guy was picking her up because he doesn't have a car so she let him use hers! She called me later in the day, which is as rare as unicorns these days and said that our son had got his arm stuck in the door and she might take him to the ER, she would keep me updated. No call back, when i tried calling back I got a text, "can't talk." I was pissed that she actually called to tell me that but then ignored me. The next morning I went to my room and she showed up there before the busses, I though, what nerver. She said that Kaden was okay but she got no sleep, and she had no excuse for no call back. We again talked out by the bus while I told her everything she wanted to hear, i know i should be doing that! She said to me, "Kaden told me last night he misses mommy and daddy." She told him that we're still friends, I havent seen him in two weeks because it's so f'n hard, especially with someone else around now, but I miss him like crazy, he is basically my son after all! So we go through the whole day joking around, telling each other we love each other, but when I talk about us, it's immediately, there is no future, it's over. I go down to her room and talk, she smiles when I walk in and we talk and joke around, but again when i bring "us" up it goes south. I don't know what to do. I bought her an engagement ring and was planning on proposing to her this month. Her son things the world of me and I was so happy with our family. Am I doing everything wrong, is she sincere with her meaness about our relationship and how can she say that it's never going to work again after three years of building a family. I know that I couldnt be who she wanted but I was also trying to better myself for our future. I wanted to graduate so that I could someday provide for her and our family. Anytime I ask for a chance it's immediate No! Is this because another guy is there to take the pressure how her, what should I do to save our family! I miss Kaden like crazy but I can stand to look in his eyes knowing that I'm not there for him all the time now.
lonelynyc Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 This woman has a lot of issues. I know you have developed a connection with both her and her son, and losing that must be incredibly painful. Still, you are a young man. If a woman won't be there for you while you build your career and financial future (even pressuring you to not complete your degree), she never really loved you to begin with. You are an educated guy, do you really think it's worth it to harp over a woman whose romantic type seems to be petty street hustlers? You want to be able to have a career that will allow you to provide for a family decades from now, not hustle in the streets until you get gunned down or wind up behind bars. If she can't respect that, the **** her. I feel so strongly about this because this was the same type of thing I used to see all around me in the neighborhood where I grew up. Women giving good, stable men a hard time about not being providers as teenagers because they were getting an education or working low-paid internships to help better themselves. You have to take better care of yourself. Your life should not be centered around taking care of someone (like your ex), especially if she doesn't take care of you. At the end of the day, I don't want to sound harsh, but Kaden is not your son. Finish your education, meet a woman that respects what you are about, and someday have your own kids with her. For now, you have to try your best to move on.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I agree with everything lonelynyc is saying. I also wanted to add a few things. It sounds as if she's keeping you as a backup. She's moved this guy up front and put you on the back burner. She's with him now and she's not going anywhere. She's just stringing you along. You're basically fulfilling her emotional needs by being her friend and her new boy toy is fulfilling her physical needs and so on. She has everything she wants right where she has the both of you. So, why change a thing right? What she says about you "taking responsibility and providing" for her and her son is nothing but a big excuse and nothing more. Don't listen to that garbage. She was just looking for a way out and that was the perfect reasoning. If she really cared about you, she's give you that chance. Trust me! You guys are done and she's telling you the truth when she says that she doesn't think it's going to work out beyond what you two have now. If you don't mind being someone's backup, then more power to you. I personally wouldn't be too fond of the idea, especially when I know that I could do better somewhere else down the road. Your best bet is to move on. You need to go NC (No Contact) and drop her like a bad habit. Once you do that, then you can begin the healing process. One day you will have the ability to support a family and you will one day have your own children. Don't get too attached to the little guy (obviously that's probably too late) and I would consider backing off completely now. She's using you all around. Open your eyes my friend. She's got you by your manhood.
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