Feeling defeated - Where am I going wrong?

[NG85]

I signed up here originally to get advice on how to get my ex back (We broke up about 7-8 months ago), but since then I've gotten over her thanks to NC (And the fact that once she broke up with her rebound bf she came crawling back, but I denied her).

 

I've since begun casual dating, mostly talking to and meeting girls through OKCupid. I was initially having really bad luck on it, never getting any responses. So I began to read about how to properly flirt, and to present myself as a suitable man and partner for these women. The tips began working, and over time I became more confident with women, and after a girl I'm friends with tweaked my OKC profile, I began having women message me, sometimes as many as 3 a week! Things were looking up.

 

About 2 months ago I met a girl who is a friend of a friend, and we all went out barhopping. She had guys hitting on her all night, but at the end she gave me her number, and the next day we went out for a few drinks. For a while I was spending the night at her place about once a week, and we were getting along really well. We never really became bf/gf, but we did stuff bf's/gf's would do, and we had been having sex.

 

Well, the past 2 weeks I had a double whammy. My birthday was 2 weekends ago, and I invited this girl out. She was texting me all day, beginning around 4, asking when she could come out to join me and my friends at a bar. I told her we'd be there around 6, and she said she was on her way home from work, and would shower and change and head out. An hour passed. Two hours passed. Three. No sign of her. About 5 hours later I texted her. No response. I gave her one more text before calling it a night, and nothing. So I went home. I get a text from her 2 days later saying she was sorry she didn't make it out. She had gone home, got high, and completely forgot to go out. I know we've only been seeing each other for about 2 months, but it really hurt to know that she sounded excited about my birthday, yet blew it off to smoke weed with her friends. I calmly explained I was disappointed, then told her I had to go. We haven't spoken since.

 

So around this time I got a message on OKC from a girl. In our profiles we both had an interest that only about .000002% of the world would seem to have. We liked the same music, movies, and books, and she was even entering the same career field I was (She's also really cute!). We met up last weekend and had a great time. I paid for dinner, took her around town, and when it was time for me to head home she asked if I could stay a bit longer. I wanted to take it slow, so I hugged her goodnight, and as she walked away I saw her turn around and smile at me several times. I've heard this is a good sign, so I figured all was well.

 

I was busy the next day, so I called her 2 days after the date to say I had fun, and wanted to see her again. She texted back and said that she also had a lot of fun, and it was nice meeting me. I asked her if she thought about meeting up again, and she said "Well I had fun, but I don't think we have any chemistry. Sorry!" Following it up with "I also don't think we have much in common." That was the other whammy.

 

I very rarely find girls who have the same interests as me, and this girl was so similar to me that we never ran out of stuff to talk about on our date. We talked about music, movies, art, our jobs, our families, etc., and the conversation just flowed and flowed. I shouldn't have left the date with a feeling of attachment, but she just seemed so awesome that it was hard not to. I texted her back saying that's fine she felt that way, and left it at that. The ball's in her court if she ever changes her mind.

 

It seems like ever since my major break-up 7-8 months ago, I can't find a happy medium with women. If I'm too nice, they want me to be more firm. If I'm too firm or tease them too much, they want me to be nice. If we have nothing in common they want someone with more in common. If we have a lot in common, they want someone different than them. If I'm too confident they think I'm pompous. If I'm too meek, they want someone more confident.

 

I've also been on a few dates that I thought went well, then never heard from the girls again. On one occasion, I met a girl at a coffee shop who gave me her number. I called her a day or 2 later, but she was out running errands and said she'd call me back. Never heard from her again.

 

Is this a common occurrence with women, or am I just doing something wrong? I've been on dates with many differing kinds of women, but I can't find a happy medium to be able to allow me to get a second date, or to move onto something further. I figured it'd be easier than a lot of places, seeing as I live near a city with something like 12 million people in it. Any suggestions?

Edited July 8, 2011 by NG85

[93TheHitStick]

Those females just didn't like you broseph. Get over it. First chick is kind of a slut anyway. She seems more like the kind of girl you would smoke then smash with not invite to your birthday party.

 

Second chick probably thought you were too nice or too mean. Depends on how you were acting. Cliche i know but just be yourself. Me i don't like showering girls with compliments and being a rug for them to walk all over. Some call me a douche but its true. Nothing wrong with complimenting a woman when she deserves it but the nice guys take it too far. So i treat all females pretty much the same when i meet them. Might playfully tease them. Be a bit aloof. The usual. Some girls don't like it others do.

 

So you gotta find a girl who likes the guy that you prefer to be.

 

Also get off okcupid and date the females in real life bro. Its one thing hooking up with girls on facebook. But a dating website? Those females just sound like trouble. And if she is a cute female on that site she is probably used to guy white knighting her and thats all she is gonna want.

[NG85]

Those females just didn't like you broseph. Get over it. First chick is kind of a slut anyway. She seems more like the kind of girl you would smoke then smash with not invite to your birthday party.

 

Second chick probably thought you were too nice or too mean. Depends on how you were acting. Cliche i know but just be yourself. Me i don't like showering girls with compliments and being a rug for them to walk all over. Some call me a douche but its true. Nothing wrong with complimenting a woman when she deserves it but the nice guys take it too far. So i treat all females pretty much the same when i meet them. Might playfully tease them. Be a bit aloof. The usual. Some girls don't like it others do.

 

So you gotta find a girl who likes the guy that you prefer to be.

 

Also get off okcupid and date the females in real life bro. Its one thing hooking up with girls on facebook. But a dating website? Those females just sound like trouble. And if she is a cute female on that site she is probably used to guy white knighting her and thats all she is gonna want.

 

Yeah, it's just kind of disheartening to have spent, you know, a week or 2 or whatever chatting with a girl online and flirting through texting only to find out once we meet that she doesn't dig me. It's happened a few times before, also. That's why I became weary of online dating - The physical aspect is so important to actually knowing someone. All the messages and emails and texts in the world are fine, but your perception of a person could change once you finally see them in the flesh. Maybe they smell or have a weird voice or don't even look like their photos!

 

I'm thinking back to my date last weekend, and I'm trying to pinpoint the major things I could have done wrong. For one we drank coffee with dinner and I was getting really jittery - Add in the fact that if you put me on certain topics, I get very talkative. She was pretty shy and a bit timid, so I wonder if I just yapped her ear off and dominated all the conversations in a caffeine-induced craze. She was also asking me a lot of questions about my job, since she wants to get into the same line of work, so I wonder if to her it just sounded like I was saying "Me me me me me me" all the time.

[iJester]

Stop spending so much time on them. Ask them to meet at the 4th message at the absolute maximum. Only use dating sites as a way to find girls to sleep with and keep you occupied while you chase girls you've met. I tried looking for a relationship on a couple sites with zero success. After I switched my gameplan, I ****ed about 15 girls in a 3-4 month span. I tried OKC, POF, and match. I must say that the quality of girls on match is way higher than the others; more successful and better looking.

 

Just go there for the pussy, and if something else evolves from it, then great. If not, you got your rocks off.

[NG85]

Stop spending so much time on them. Ask them to meet at the 4th message at the absolute maximum. Only use dating sites as a way to find girls to sleep with and keep you occupied while you chase girls you've met. I tried looking for a relationship on a couple sites with zero success. After I switched my gameplan, I ****ed about 15 girls in a 3-4 month span. I tried OKC, POF, and match. I must say that the quality of girls on match is way higher than the others; more successful and better looking.

 

Just go there for the pussy, and if something else evolves from it, then great. If not, you got your rocks off.

 

Eh, I suppose that's a way to approach it, but that's not really my style. I guess OKC kind of spoiled me. I first signed up about 4 years ago, and I met about 3 girls right off the bat - One of the first girls I talked to I ended up dating for 2 years. Then we broke up, I come back to OKC, and I'm having problems. I do agree that meeting girls in real life is the best bet, but unfortunately I don't get out as much as I should.

[sigurpol]

From reading the original message, I don't see anything wrong. That you're doing, at least. You're taking a girl out, providing good company, a paid meal, etc. Some people will bark at you about being too nice, or a pushover, but who the hell cares?

 

I know after 7-8 months with no luck, or being on the cusp of a great relationship.. only for it to fizzle out is really crappy. But, it's going to happen. Not much else you can do about it other than roll with the punches. Things won't happen overnight, and they might not happen for a while.

 

I know it's said a million times (and that's an understatement), but don't reflect on your actions too much, just enjoy things now.

 

One piece of advice I will offer is that online dating, although fun, can be a run-around. I feel as if a majority of people are on there right after a breakup, or still rebounding. I was on there for what seemed to be.. 6 months or so? I went out with about 4 people. One flaked out on every date then suddenly moved to NYC, one came to one date and vanished, one (on our first date) revelaed that she had cervical cancer, and one was best friends with my ex who I hadn't put together until we had drinks one night... and that became quite awkward.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, but to show you. It's a mixed bag. I actually ended up friends with OTHER people who I met on there and I'm on cool terms with them.

 

However, I have a handful of friends that are happily married from meeting someone on a dating site. It's really up to you and what you feel like doing, or dealing with.

 

But for real, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing.

[NG85]

Thanks for the advice and stories, Sigurpol. It's nice to know other people have had online dating disasters (I've also had 2 cases where the person just doesn't show up. It's so embarrassing).

 

I do also notice that a lot of people are on there for the rebound - Hell, I re-activated my account the next day after my last big break-up. Most of my friends have done the same, as well.

 

I've found that dating, both online and in the real world, works best when you just let go and don't care. I have no idea why, but it does. It's like there's some kind of karmic energy that trips you up when you think about something too much, but evens out when you're nonchalant. For some reason within the last 2 months, I sort of began seeing a girl, and that weekend, for the first time in months, I had a girl initiate contact with me on OKC. The 2 events were completely separate, but happened through some kind of serendipity.

 

I also notice that for some reason I usually have an abundance of available girls I'm flirting with at once, then just as quickly they disappear and I'm left with nothing. I wonder if this is the beginning of another dry spell? Oh well, as long as I don't care, more may come my way.

[sigurpol]

For sure man.

 

Haha, yea, I mean.. being on a dating site offers company and just.. ya know, misery loves company.

 

I have to agree about how things work best when you put your mind at ease and worry about real problems. Your situation helps that idea (the one where you said you had the girl initiate contact). My signature is sort of how I feel about things, especially when it comes to stuff like this. It's a bad habit to hold onto things that would just upset me. We do usually, because we feel like we owe ourselves pity and some time alone. Just keep in mind that I have my youth, and a good job with some cool friends. Whatever silver lining you can find.

 

Funny, your last comment is something my friends and I always talk about. Get droughts, and then suddenly I have 5 girls who want to get drinks with me. When it rains, it ****ing pours.

[NG85]

Thanks for some more advice, Sigur! Last night I went on OKC again and just sent out some brief messages to some girls. Haven't heard anything back, but it could take a while before hearing from them (I also noticed that if I send out, say, one brief message a week, I usually always hear back, but if I send out a few brief messages in a day, I rarely hear back. I wonder if that's because I'm stretching my message-writing too thin, or if it's just by chance).

 

Rather than wallow in self-pity, I went to hang out with some friends, which was pretty cool. Tonight I was invited to a friends' house where there might be girls, but knowing my friends it'll just be a room full of dudes

 

I'm still bumming a bit about this girl claiming we had nothing in common, but as far as I can see that's her loss!

[bluenightowl]

One piece of advice I will offer is that online dating, although fun, can be a run-around. I feel as if a majority of people are on there right after a breakup, or still rebounding. I was on there for what seemed to be.. 6 months or so? I went out with about 4 people. One flaked out on every date then suddenly moved to NYC, one came to one date and vanished, one (on our first date) revelaed that she had cervical cancer, and one was best friends with my ex who I hadn't put together until we had drinks one night... and that became quite awkward.

 

This has been my experience as well. A lot of rebounders on there. I know one of ex's when on there, the day after we broke up. And never trust a rebounder to say they are over their ex, because they often don't know themselves.

[NG85]

Wow, another new development - I woke up today and checked my OKC account because I had gotten a new message overnight from this one girl I've been chatting with since Friday. I checked my "Visitors" page to see if anyone checked me out.....

 

.....And I'm pretty sure that the roommate of that girl I was recently seeing for a month or 2 checked out my profile.

 

Here's why I think it was her roommate: First of all her last name was in the username. Second, her username also made reference to the city she lives in now. Third, her location was set to the town she went to college in, which happens to be the same college I went to. There was no photo on the profile, and I'm getting paranoid as to whether it's a way for this girl and her roommate to lurk me or something. I haven't checked the actual profile, though, since I don't want her to see that I lurked her (But this roommate has a bf, so I don't know why she'd be on OKC to begin with).

 

I'm getting a bit paranoid. This girl and I never really had a formal split, and we were never formally together, we just got into a bit of a tiff and then just stopped talking. But I wonder if she'll be able to see if I was updating my profile/pictures while I was with this girl. We were never official, but it might make me look bad.

 

Maybe I'm just looking too deeply into this