truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) It's been a year since my ex left me abruptly for the 3rd time after 5 years total together. Saw her in the Spring at a social event and we clicked like crazy...one nice phone call a few weeks later, she cried when I asked her if there was hope for us...but she never answered the question. A month later I asked her out for lunch and she said no, and turned cold again. It's like in person our connection, chemistry is undeniable...but on the phone, email etc..she turns into a block of ice (eventually). So I am doing ok..dating a bit, haven't found anyone I'm as attracted to. Have decided to go total NC (it's been 2 months now). We've been pretty much NC for the whole year apart, but have seen each other around town here and there. Coping...still sad, but when I talk to a new gal, I can focus on her and really only do the comparison to the ex later in private. Just miss her like crazy. No cheating or abuse...she's afraid of commitment....(I guess in my case it would be the 4th chance lol...) Edited July 8, 2011 by truenigma
Ultrasonic Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Stop comparing other people to her. If she was your first real LTR, then you're comparisons will always lose, no matter what. It's why people are addicted to coke/crack/meth anything. The first high is so freaking awesome they spend the rest of their wasted life trying to find an equally great high, but it will never come.
Author truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 thanks Ultra...no she wasn't my first LTR..just the one I loved the most. I just have to think that there is someone out there who is better and healthier for me whom I'm just as attracted to. My ex is a big time runner...we would get so close after spending a few days together, then she's pull away and act distant..and this cycle just kept repeating over and over. She is still single, and though I haven't kept super close tabs on her, I know she's doing meetups and online dating. I don't really believe in the addicted to love concept...I think we are just drawn to certain people (and when it was good, it was very fulfilling) and I know I can't help that attraction. Neither can she, as was obviously the case this past Spring-she even commented on our amazing connection...its just that she can't act on it anymore and allow herself to commit or be vulnerable..
Ultrasonic Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It's not an addiction to love; it's an addiction to the relationship. Some people get in a relationship and constantly bounce between them. These people are true believers in "There are a million fish in the sea." I used to tell people that, and it would help them move on. After my girlfriend broke up with me, another ex of mine tried consoling me the same way I helped her. (Telling her to move on and that there are better people out there.) However, while that observation is clearly true, don't mistake what I'm saying for me telling you give up on her. Yes, I believe there are a million fish in the sea; however, I don't want a million fish, I don't want a thousand, a hundred, ten, not even five. I want that ONE specific fish. If I were to hold a handful of sand, I would easily be able to find her grain out of the thousands and describe it's beauty. It sounds like she's not afraid of commitment as much as she was paranoid you would leave her; and is trying to save her own feelings. Maybe she feels too vulnerable around you; something she hasn't felt with other people? She could be confused by her own feelings and chooses to run instead of sort them out.
Author truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Wow...amazing insight. I feel the same way about the fishes and the grains of sand. Sadly, I'm afraid her walls are too high. I may ring her up after 6 months of NC..but I think that's the only option for me. She is clearly not interested at this point in a rel/ship. She actually blocked me from joining a meetup in our area (she is pals with the organizer)...so the writing is on the wall. It sounds like she's not afraid of commitment as much as she was paranoid you would leave her; and is trying to save her own feelings. Maybe she feels too vulnerable around you; something she hasn't felt with other people? She could be confused by her own feelings and chooses to run instead of sort them out. The above bolded quote is 100% right on.
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