stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Love totally effing sucks. I feel like so many people on LS and in my daily life are saying "This relationship would be great IF ONLY..." And we know that "if only" thing is NEVER going to change or improve, and yet because we are so idiotically in love with someone, we can't or won't leave him/her. I am in love with my on/off ex of over 5 years, and we were trying to work things out again, or so I thought. I thought we were working toward a committed relationship again, and possibly an engagement maybe next year (we were engaged once before). He led me to believe we would see only each other for awhile, even though we weren't labeling our relationship as exclusive or bf/gf. Then after a few weeks/months we'd determine if we wanted to make a final shot at it and seriously commit. That changed a little for him - he still wasn't "dating" but was open to meeting new friends (girls) and flirting. He has met this one girl for coffee and for breakfast (he dated her while we were broken up in January - March). Nothing happened outside of talking, catching up and a hug, he said. He also started chatting with this girl on Twitter, and then added her to facebook friends and got her number. They now talk on the phone and text and private message on twitter. She lives 800 miles away and is married/divorcing with two kids. I can't stand this girl because of the attention my ex gives her. He changed again last week and said he knows he loves me, has stronger feelings for me than anyone and is "leaning toward focusing on just us again and moving toward a serious commitment" however I don't know when that will be. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to rush or jump right back into something serious either - I want to give this the proper attention and really work on resolving past issues rather than just saying I love him and will be with him even if we are miserable and fight a lot. But at the same time, I don't want to devote time and love on someone who isn't committed to me even in the slightest yet. And the problem is even though my head is screaming at me to run away and find someone ready to commit to me and only me, my heart just aches so much about not having this guy in my life anymore. Our relationship is awesome, IF ONLY he would commit and stop talking to other girls. What a joke, right? I know everybody advises me to move on. But I won't. I don't know what it will take to get me to walk away, but I haven't hit that spot yet. And so I'm sad, angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. If we are humans who suppsedly evolve, then why don't we evolve to eradicate love from our emotional repertoire so that we don't stay in these toxic, hurtful situations????
Nexus One Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) This is probably going to hurt, but if a man is truly into a woman, then he is willing to commit. (players excluded) When all the available p*ssy has run dry for him, and who knows when that is, then he'll come back to you. But think about it, do you really want to be last choice? While he might seem great to you, I'm sure there are men out there that ring your bell with similar intensity. You just haven't met them yet. A good way to get over a person, in my opinion, is to encounter someone of equal or better quality. As he intends to f*ck other women before he gets back to you, this guy isn't particularly of a high quality characterwise, at least not to you. If I reverse the roles and a woman I'm into would tell me she'd get back to me once she's done f*cking other men, then I go looking for someone else, someone who looks as good to me, yet has a higher quality character. Edited July 8, 2011 by Nexus One
iJester Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 If this back and forth has been going on for 5 years, it's probably never going to work out. He's just using you because you're easy and you're a doormat. Why should he commit to you? You don't respect yourself, so why should he? I'd keep ****ing you until I found someone, I thought was worth a commitment too. If that didn't work out, I'd come straight back to you until I found another. Seems to be what he's doing too. When is enough, enough for you? 1
Nexus One Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Addendum: In my opinion you're making an error of judgement when you think this is about commitment for him. For him this is about f*cking other women until you're the only one who's willing to take him. That's not commitment, that's falling back on the last option once all other options have run out. 5 years you say? As mortals our time is limited, he has wasted a lot of yours.
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 He isn't sleeping with anyone else, and neither am I. And we have both equally been the dumper and the dumpee. We lived together for two years. I am frustrated because, for instance, we spent all of July 4 weekend together. Had a fantastic time. He tells me he loves me, talks about us getting engaged again in the future, he's told some of his clients and professional contacts I'm his girlfriend, etc. Our biggest conflict right now is that I want him to do one of two things: either commit to me in an exclusive relationship, or if not that, then at least be more open with these two girls about our situation. I am territorial, so if he is not ready to commit to "being my boyfriend" again, then at least he could make it plain that we are working on things to these other girls. He isn't sleeping with them, he's not dating them; he considers them his friends but I dislike it because I'm jealous.
Nexus One Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 He isn't sleeping with anyone else, I'm willing to bet that that is exactly the idea he's toying around with in his head. What else do you think this is about? He tells me he loves me, talks about us getting engaged again in the future, he's told some of his clients and professional contacts I'm his girlfriend, etc. Actions are what count, not (only) words. Spewing bullsh*t is easy (for some people). I am territorial From what I'm reading, not in my opinion. He isn't sleeping with them, he's not dating them; he considers them his friends but I dislike it because I'm jealous. Ok you lost me here. So is he looking for other women to get involved with or are you telling him he can't have female friends?
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I'm willing to bet that that is exactly the idea he's toying around with in his head. What else do you think this is about? He's never slept around much, and I do trust him when it comes to this. Obviously over five years we have a lot of history. He's got concerns about whether we can really make this work, and so do I. But the reason we were open to trying again is because we have both matured a bit and are better equipped to resolve conflict. Also, things that influenced us in the past (led to breakups) have been resolved. We were long distance for awhile (sucked). Now we live nearer each other. Actions are what count, not (only) words. Spewing bullsh*t is easy (for some people). Agree. From what I'm reading, not in my opinion. I'm very territorial. He tells me all the time he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved. I just want these girls to know it. I want them to know they are just friends he chats with sometimes and don't mean anything compared to me. Immature and petty? Maybe. That's just how I feel. Ok you lost me here. So is he looking for other women to get involved with or are you telling him he can't have female friends? I guess it's a little of both. I don't mind that he has female friends. I just question the female friends he chooses. The one girl he's met for coffee is someone he dated while we were not speaking earlier this year (about 2 months they saw each other and they had sex). I do not like him being friends with HER. I do not like him talking to an ex from before we met, because she was a reason we broke up once. When we got engaged last time, he promised he wouldn't talk to her anymore. After we broke up last time they talk via Facebook and text messaging. She's engaged and pregnant now, so I think I could learn to live with that one - it's clear that it's over between them and it doesn't bother me much anymore. He always says he gets along better with girls than guys. Okay, fine. I feel that in a relationship, his friendships should not cause problems for our relationship (within reason). So, if these girls would stay friends - totally platonic - even if he and I got married, then fine. No objection from me. My problem is that while we are not committed, he doesn't really let them know much about me. They obviously see us tweet to each other. If they aren't completely stupid, I'm sure they know we've seen each other. He assures me - and I've never been given reason not to believe him in this regard - that he just wants to chat and socialize and have friends. I fear that socializing with the girl he dated while we were apart will muddy the waters between he and I. And, point blank I'm jealous of any time he gives to her right now. He and I have both only slept with 7 people including each other, and we are early 30s. I do not believe he is or intends to sleep around behind my back. I am just uncomfortable and unhappy with the lack of direction and commitment.
iJester Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 You actually buy all that? Only 7 women, how old are you two? Your outlook is just comical to me at this point. 1
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 You actually buy all that? Only 7 women, how old are you two? Your outlook is just comical to me at this point. Just because half the world is sluts doesn't mean some people don't exercise restraint. We were going to get married. We've been through our sexual pasts together. We're both early 30s. If you don't have anything useful to add, please don't bother replying. Thanks.
iJester Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 The comment was useful. It's meant to make you rethink your perspective. I'd never tell someone I wanted to marry that she is somewhere around the 30th girl I've had sex with. Hell, I don't even tell girls that I don't give a **** about the truth. If it ever comes up, my number is always between 5 and 9; double digits is a dealbreaker for some, or at least makes them insecure and annoying about it. Anyway, I just find it laughable that a guy in his 30's, that only gets along with females has only had 7 partners. I suppose stranger things have happened, but you seem like you're pretty gullible, so he's probably just feeding you a line.
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 The comment was useful. It's meant to make you rethink your perspective. I'd never tell someone I wanted to marry that she is somewhere around the 30th girl I've had sex with. Hell, I don't even tell girls that I don't give a **** about the truth. If it ever comes up, my number is always between 5 and 9; double digits is a dealbreaker for some, or at least makes them insecure and annoying about it. Anyway, I just find it laughable that a guy in his 30's, that only gets along with females has only had 7 partners. I suppose stranger things have happened, but you seem like you're pretty gullible, so he's probably just feeding you a line. He and I don't lie to each other. If anything, he's honest to a fault - he overshares when he should keep some thoughts to himself. It's not laughable from a female perspective - it's fantastic that he's not such a p*$$^ hound that he can have friends of the opposite sex without always trying to bang them. My perspective is FINE when it comes to that. It also doesn't hurt that our sex life was NEVER a problem in our relationship.
iJester Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I have several female friends too; I'm just at my limit. Even when they're friends they still get jealous/possessive/needy/wanty. I love my friends to death, but I can't put up with more of that ****, so all females I meet in the foreseeable future will be paying me, putting out, or leaving me alone.
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I have several female friends too; I'm just at my limit. Even when they're friends they still get jealous/possessive/needy/wanty. I love my friends to death, but I can't put up with more of that ****, so all females I meet in the foreseeable future will be paying me, putting out, or leaving me alone. I sorta wish my ex was like that. I don't care if he has female friends, but it's almost like he needs the ego boost of cute girls flirting with him or wanting to befriend him. That's why I have an issue with it - not because I don't think he should have any female friends. The only reason YOUR female friends get jealous or whatever is b/c their feelings are more than platonic. A girl who really views you as a friend will not get jealous, I assure you.
robdrm32 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Ok so you agree actions speak louder than words? He tells me all the time he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved. I just want these girls to know it. If he really felt that way he would want them to know it as well if they were indeed only friends. And if he really felt that way he would want to commit to you now, like right now.
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I know you are likely right and that I can't "logic" him into committing if he doesn't really want to. It's just so frustrating feeling so much pain, and watching other people on this forum and in my life go through misery, all because we love someone who cannot or does not love us back.
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