Do Dumpers ever work on themselves?

[Wesker]

I know the obvious answer is prolly no since in their minds, they are right, and any issues is all the dumpee's fault. In reality though, unless there was some serious problems like drugs, abuse, etc, the dumper has just as many things to work out than the person being dumped. Unless they realize this, the dumper will just be in this endless cycle of finding someone. Being with them for certain amount of time until getting bored. Dumping that person for someone else, and on and on. Before they know it, the Dumper is in his/her 60's and alone wondering what happened? Sorry if this sounds more like rant than a thought question.

[Ally-65]

In my experience, no they dont. As you say, they are "in the right"

My ex, although ONCE he said "we are two in this", has never worked on himself. He is one of these that can not see his faults let alone admit to them. His relationships have always ended the same way..... He is the dumper. It's their fault.

So, only from experience, I would say a definate No to your question. I would love to think it is different.

[Mack05]

Good question Wesker. In my relationship before last I was the dumper. It turned out I didn't learn a thing! I made the exact same mistakes in my next relationship which forced me to look hard at myself, instead of blaming someone else like I used to do..I think the dumpee tends to examine themselves more because of being rejected. This was my first time being dumped, I learnt more from this experience then all the others combined..

[shortee143]

I'm not so sure. I guess it's another thing where it really depends on the person, and if they recognize their faults or patterns, etc. For example, my ex left me to be single (and didnt want a relationship....BS!) bc he hadnt been on his own in years....however, 2 months later he his magically wants a relationship again and is with someone. In about 6 years, he has been single perhaps a few months max. I encouraged him to take time for himself bc I understand he hasn't been single, but he doesn't know how how to be single clearly, and has admitted he doesn't like being alone. In my opinion, this will all catch up with him; he should be on his own, and think of his past relationships, and feel what it is like to be on his own 2 feet. Geez, I got my heart crushed by him, and even I was on his side and encouraging him! As a dumpee, I try to learn and change when I think of things I coulda/shoulda/woulda done different.

[TigerCub]

I know the obvious answer is prolly no since in their minds, they are right, and any issues is all the dumpee's fault. In reality though, unless there was some serious problems like drugs, abuse, etc, the dumper has just as many things to work out than the person being dumped. Unless they realize this, the dumper will just be in this endless cycle of finding someone. Being with them for certain amount of time until getting bored. Dumping that person for someone else, and on and on. Before they know it, the Dumper is in his/her 60's and alone wondering what happened? Sorry if this sounds more like rant than a thought question.

 

 

In my first long term relationship (first love), I was the dumper, and it was extremely hard. It wasn't a question of me being right and him being wrong.

We had just been stuck in a destructive cycle and we had been hurting each other, so the R needed to end.

 

I sure as hell worked on A LOT of my issues, because at the time I had major body issues and insecurity issues that were causing problems in our R, but weren't the only problem.

 

I needed to work on my s**t even if I was the "dumper", I was never delusional and thinking I was perfect and nothing needed to change. I needed to look within and fix me on the inside.

 

So yes, its possible that dumpers do work on themselves and change too.

[stray]

I think dumpers work on themselves after something catastrophically sh**ty happens to them. Usually it's them getting rejected by someone else, or some other very bad consequence of their selfishness and ingratitude. I can't think of anyone who has dumped me and then not gone on to face serious difficulties in life due to their general non-committal behavior and lack of empathy. This of course pertains to the dumpers who leave you for no good reason and then just never appear to give a crap about you, ever again. The reason being, many dumpers are into "the chase", and will stop trying in any relationship, or even in a professional work environment once they win "the prize". They find themselves miserable after they've "won" and will start to tear down everything they've worked for so they can recreate the chase. However, when these people hit some kind of bottom - have lost the job of their dreams, have lost their kids, have lost respect from everybody, realize they're only defined by material objects - they'll have to start digging deep as to why their life has no meaning. Most dumpers at this point don't have the luxury of introspection, so they'll just embrace their inner as*hole, become cynical and bitter, and live the rest of their lives in quiet misery. Then there are those who actually work on themselves. Those are the ones who call you years after the break up, and apologize for the harm they caused you.

[wilsonx]

I think dumpers work on themselves after something catastrophically sh**ty happens to them. Usually it's them getting rejected by someone else, or some other very bad consequence of their selfishness and ingratitude. I can't think of anyone who has dumped me and then not gone on to face serious difficulties in life due to their general non-committal behavior and lack of empathy. This of course pertains to the dumpers who leave you for no good reason and then just never appear to give a crap about you, ever again. The reason being, many dumpers are into "the chase", and will stop trying in any relationship, or even in a professional work environment once they win "the prize". They find themselves miserable after they've "won" and will start to tear down everything they've worked for so they can recreate the chase. However, when these people hit some kind of bottom - have lost the job of their dreams, have lost their kids, have lost respect from everybody, realize they're only defined by material objects - they'll have to start digging deep as to why their life has no meaning. Most dumpers at this point don't have the luxury of introspection, so they'll just embrace their inner as*hole, become cynical and bitter, and live the rest of their lives in quiet misery. Then there are those who actually work on themselves. Those are the ones who call you years after the break up, and apologize for the harm they caused you.

 

Stray, I am a huge fan of your posts =) everytime I see last post by stray I click on it, read and smile

[stray]

Really!?? Omg, thank you! Aw, I blushed =)

[BeavisMom62]

I guess that could work both ways, though huh? Example, my first marriage, my X was extremely physical abusive (and also an alcoholic and drug addict). I dumped him when he broke my face. And one of our last conversations before our divorce, I asked if he learned anything? That maybe it might be a good idea for him to get a handle on his temper and stop abusing women (I wasn't the first one). The abuse was more of an issue than the addictions because it was so incredibly severe, although of course the addictions played a part in the abuse.

 

Here I am in my second marriage, and I am the dumper again. Hmmm.....I'm starting to see a pattern here. First X was an alcoholic, drug addict. Present STBX is an alcoholic, drug addict. Had a serious boyfriend in between (I dumped them all) was ALSO a severe drug addict!

 

So, I definitely have learned a lesson, but will have to be hypervigilant, when and if (big IF), I ever get involved with any one again. No more fricken addicts!

 

But hopefully, these addicts will learn by continually being dumped, as well as having a basically sucky life, that they need to get a handle on their addictions (although boyfriend committed suicide by drugs, so I guess he didn't learn his lesson).

[radiodarcy]

it depends on the dumper and what they're idea of "working on themselves" means. for the ex it meant dumping me, getting a flat stomach, and joining numerous dating websites to find a halle berry look alike girfriend. um yeah - - he's a bit on the materialistic side