Define promiscous

[thatone]

Its more like I don't feel like I can "get" a non-flawed or normal guy so I don't even show interest. I keep almost everyone at arm's length. Being around me is like being in the CIA, everything is "need to know". I don't know why I do it. I'm just really nervous to let people "know" me.

 

and that has to end.

 

i just ended a short term thing with one of those myself, hence posting here on a friday. i didn't find out what the flaws were in those few weeks, but they were obviously there. she pitched a future commitment (a long vacation in a couple of months) to fish for interest, i agreed without hesitation, she then starts to flake on every get together. so typical. before the last conversation ended she was even lying about lying to avoid having to say whatever the real issue was, claiming that she was being honest when she told me nothing.

 

and a non-flawed man will always have the same response to that, which is "fine, sit there by yourself with your drama then, you don't need me to do that".

 

it makes no sense whatsoever to sit around expecting failure, and then creating it when it doesn't happen on its own.

 

so stop doing so.

Edited July 9, 2011 by thatone

[veggirl]

Well, unfortunately the reason people "judge" you is because it really seems you made the same choices multiple times, and now are saying "so what? I'm different now" but how is someone who just met you (IRL, online, whatever) supposed to believe that when your history doesn't show it? I understand your frustration. How soon do you divulge the details of your past to men? Are you sure you aren't oversharing too soon?

[ruffster]

Promiscuous means being a sex addict who acts out with different partners.

[mysteriousbox]

I wouldn't say your promiscuous, but as most of the other posters have pointed out you have a number of other character flaws. Also don't forget that few single guys will consider you as dating material because of the kids (I would fall under this category). But we don't need another tread match about single moms...

[Eve]

I used to think myself promiscuous for the same sorts of reasons said by the OP but I have decided that I wasn't because I did love them. They just weren't good enough for me. Yes, even as a single Mummy, with first child at age 17 years old.

 

OP, get on with valuing your life as a complete story and don't let anyone break you down. At the end of the day I have noted that many people who say negative stuff on here don't even have a life! At least you have taken the challenges bought to you and lived them as best as you can.

 

The suggestion of moving to a new place is a good one. People are bastards most of the time. It is better that they know as little as possible if they cannot be trusted.

 

Overall I wouldn't worry about any of it. The main thing to do is to avoid men who aim to treat single Mums like pick n mix. Do this and you will be fine..

 

No, there are people doing a whole lot worse than you OP.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Joe Normal]

It's not 'promiscuous', but it's not exactly a pristine sexual & relationship history either. The two issue are that you have had a child outside marriage, pregnant 3 times by 2 guys, and had a broken marriage after a mere two months

 

Stable and responsible relationship history, with respect to marriage and children, is more important than the number of partners IMO. I'd rather get involved with a woman with no kids and no prior marriages or engagements, who has slept with 30 guys, than one who slept with 3 guys, but has one kid by each, and divorced or jilted each one.

 

Still, I don't see anything terrible you did here, you didn't do someone over, just maybe a bit of lack of forethought about who to get married to and reproduce with. You probably won't get a proposal from the 'ideal' guy, but plenty of men have their own flawed histories too, so some divorced guy, single father, older man, or single/no-kids guy who has some superficial flaws would probably be ok with it. Bear in mind also you probably have about 5-6 years left of child-bearing years, so don't be too picky. Age is more cruel on women than men, for this reason.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Joe Normal

[Joe Normal]

So women having sex = ok

 

Women giving birth = slutty/promiscuous?

 

No - women giving birth out of wedlock, to multiple men, and making a poor marriage choice. Each one adds up to evidence of poor choices. It doesn't make you untouchable by any means, but it does raise a few concerns that a man would not have with a woman who had never been pregnant or married, for example, or even one who had a longer marriage, had kids inside that marriage, and was now divorced (especially if it was entirely not her fault, e.g. her husband cheated0.

[Joe Normal]

Having child at 17 (child giving birth to other child) is a red flag, period.

 

Child at 17 is fine, that's almost a woman's physical prime, the baby will be healthier than if at 25, 30, let alone 35. Only issue is doing it outside a stable relationship/marriage.

[Joe Normal]

So a promiscuous woman is any woman who's sexual or relationship history makes the guy uncomfortable. Women must be non-virgins who's relationships have all been healthy and positive, but not resulted in children.

 

As a woman who's relationships ended badly or were just bad and has kids my options are to date guys who think I'm a bad woman or be single until my kids are grown and gone.

 

So when I'm in my forties I'll be able to drop the scarlet letter.

 

You all suck.

 

Don't shoot the messenger.

 

Single mothers are less desirable relationship material than women without children. There are not many reasons a guy would want to expend resources raising another man's child instead of his own. A single mother has less time for any new guy, it's harder to be spontaneous in the courtship phase, and she will always place the kid as number 1 and the guy behind.

 

So, be realistic and accept you will be less appealing to men than an unmarried, childless woman. Just like a broke guy with no job, a pot belly, and bald head will be less appealing to women. That's not the end of the world, it just means you need to aim at people on a similar level to yourself.

[misssmartypants]

Don't shoot the messenger.

 

Single mothers are less desirable relationship material than women without children. There are not many reasons a guy would want to expend resources raising another man's child instead of his own. A single mother has less time for any new guy, it's harder to be spontaneous in the courtship phase, and she will always place the kid as number 1 and the guy behind.

 

So, be realistic and accept you will be less appealing to men than an unmarried, childless woman. Just like a broke guy with no job, a pot belly, and bald head will be less appealing to women. That's not the end of the world, it just means you need to aim at people on a similar level to yourself.

 

I know I'm not perfect, but I happen to think I'm pretty awesome. So I'm gonna aim at people I think are pretty awesome.

 

Sorry. Not interested in being with someone I am not attracted to or can't respect. Don't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to me or doesn't respect me.

Edited July 10, 2011 by misssmartypants

[Woggle]

I no way am I saying you are a drama queen but so many women these days are so filled with drama that men tend to look for the slightest sign in order to save themselves a whole lot of headaches. Sadly some of the things in your life do set off the drama radar in men whether it is fair or not.

[misssmartypants]

I no way am I saying you are a drama queen but so many women these days are so filled with drama that men tend to look for the slightest sign in order to save themselves a whole lot of headaches. Sadly some of the things in your life do set off the drama radar in men whether it is fair or not.

 

Would you believe that things in my life set off my drama radar too?

 

Would you believe that I look back on some things I did, especially right after my mom died or when I was very young, and I almost feel like that was a different person?

 

I am trying to find a balance between honoring who I am and aiming at what I want. Some of who I am interferes with what I want. What I do know is that if I can't be true to myself, then what's the point?

[rafallus]

Only issue is doing it outside a stable relationship/marriage.

 

Which relationship is pretty much self-contradictory at the age of 17.

[srcolema]

why do most men run from a women like this? thatone

Edited July 11, 2011 by srcolema

[srcolema]

I don't think I should be held guilt of something I did at a 15 year old. I'm sure you were stupid at that point in your life as well.

 

The guys were all living with me, and had been long term. With the second child we were planning a wedding when things fell apart.

 

I have acknowledged that I used poor judgment in relationships and spent over four years just not dating because I knew I needed to work on myself before I tried to be in a relationship.

 

People are not sympathetic to people who make bad decisions when they where teens. I'm getting criticizes about the same thing just my situation is worst then your. Don't let these people judgement on you keep you down. The past is the past. They can kiss your ass

[oldguy]

promiscuity is relative, what matters more are your reasons, or motives and how you feel about yourself. Three or more partners any two consecutive years as a rule of thumb could suggest anything from esteem issues to someone simply discovering they like sex with different people. If it bothers you than it's a problem, but it's your problem & you might want to seek help. If it bothers a SO that's their problem & they should seek help. To add; in the case of someone being bothered by their SO's past, or RJ, it is almost always a problem that has nothing to actually do with their SO and their past.

[lino]

I guess I'm asking because I don't really consider myself to be promiscuous, but other comments I've seen make me wonder.

 

I don't tend to "share" sexual history with men I am dating, mostly because I don't consider it their business but for out purposes I will.

 

And only because, I don't consider this to be excessively promiscuous.

 

My first time was at 15, my then BF and I were together for three years. I had a child at 17 and that kind broke us up.

 

When I was 21 I briefly dated a guy from work and we were intimate but we broke up.

 

A year later when I was 22 I was with a guy from college, but I found out he was living with woman and broke up with him. (He claimed that she was horrible and he was just there for their child)

 

When I was 23 I lived with a man for over a year, we talked about our future and getting married and everything. But I got pregnant and the first word out of his mouth was abortion. He started really acting like an ass and I ended up throwing him out. I think he used me as a place to live and a car to get around in for that time, because he had neither.

 

When I was 25 I reconnected with the high school BF. We dated and got married and I got pregnant again. Some things I had (I admit) ignored before the wedding became to big to ignore and I ended up leaving him after only a couple of months of being married.

 

I wasn't in any relationships for four years after that, I was just busy putting my life together. When I did "re-enter" the dating world I was much more careful about trusting guys and still tend to keep people from getting too close to me.

 

I dated a guy for six months and then broke up with him.

 

I got hung up on another guy who was all sorts of wrong for a year before just not contacting him and deleting him from my phone and facebook so I wasn't able to see what he was up to.

 

And now I am seeing a guy who's pretty sweet, but probably not right for me. He isn't evil, he and I just seem to have some pretty divergent world views. I like adventure and he's never left Kansas. I love good food and cuisine, and he wont eat anything that isn't a close relative of the chicken nugget. I want my kids to be confident, explorers of the world, his sit inside all day. I kicked my deadbeat brothers out, he supports his brother and mother (both of whom could work but don't even try).

 

So my question is: at 29 years old, is this "number" unusually high? I don't think so. But I'm not exactly objective either.

 

No the numbers aren't high but that history isn't a very pretty one to be honest.

 

 

For me promiscuous is a man or woman who just can't be alone for even a month... Someone that jumps from relationship (whether it's a serious one, FWB, one night stand, casual, etc) to relationship without any sort of gap in between.

 

I've now learnt how to spot those types & never have anything serious to do with them.

[oldguy]

For me promiscuous is a man or woman who just can't be alone for even a month... Someone that jumps from relationship (whether it's a serious one, FWB, one night stand, casual, etc) to relationship without any sort of gap in between.

Yes, that is true too & another good indicator of security or emotional issues.

[rafallus]

People are not sympathetic to people who make bad decisions when they where teens.

You're missing the point.

 

Everyone makes awful decisions as twins (including myself), it's just that usually aftermaths of those decisions don't stay with them for the rest of their lives.

[Dusk1983]

OP, if you were looking for empathy on this forum, don't expect it from the majority of the men here.

 

Most of them can barely get a date with a woman, let alone one pregnant.

Edited July 11, 2011 by Dusk1983

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have a very "bad" past. I have posted about it here from time to time, when I felt that sharing parts of it were pertinent and helpful in somebody's situation. I have been blasted for my past here on LS, and quite a few men have said things like, "why would you listen to a person who was a drug addict," etc.

 

The truth is, our pasts and the decisions we made affect us throughout our lives. They will make some people shy away from us.

 

Try not to let this fact bring you down. You are who you are. I believe, based upon what you've written about yourself, that you have learned about some of your negative patterns and will not be repeating them.

 

Your life experience, positive as well as negative, and how you have dealt with all of that, is a great part of who you are today.

 

A man who is right for you is going to be able to embrace every part of that and love you.

 

This does not mean you have to gratefully "settle" for any man who is willing to accept you. Just like everyone else, women with "dubious histories" like us should be looking for genuine love and harmonious relationships - and sometimes, we don't succeed in finding them. Many times, we do.

 

I am a lot older than you. I am in a good relationship. He and I are bonded on a very deep level. There are things that both he and I agree do not need to be shared about our pasts (like number of sexual partners) - and there are things that each one of us felt we owed it to the other to share. I felt that he needed to know that I was a drug addict, and that I have Hep C as a result. If we are going to be together for the rest of our lives, he does deserve to know of the potential ongoing risks (possibility of relapse to drugs - though I have been clean & sober for 23 years, and getting sick enough to die from the disease).

 

He had a one time sexual encounter outside of his marriage (which launched the divorce when he confessed it) when he was married, and he felt that I deserved to know about this when deciding whether to "choose" him.

 

I think that the two of us made good decisions about what was important to share and what was just water (maybe polluted water, but water) under the bridge.

 

I remember how good I felt and how much love I experienced when he said, "I don't really understand it, but you are such a clean slate for me."

 

Don't be ashamed of your past or your mistakes; just keep on learning and growing. There are people who will honor you for overcoming things rather than trying to shame you.

[oldguy]

There is a book called; 'loose girl; memoir of promiscuity' about a woman who had to deal with what lead to her promiscuous early life, very sad, & how she dealt with everything from social stigma to her personal struggles. I thought it was a good read & you might find it insightful. I hope you do anyway.

 

I often use the analogy of the credit scores in discussions about our histories but even our credit scores can be improved if that is what we are motivated to do.

 

And when Jesus said to the crowed, 'let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone and after a rock glanced of his forehead he yelled out; I didn't mean you ma'!

 

We all make mistakes some get caught, some do not but hopefully we all learn from them