misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I guess I'm asking because I don't really consider myself to be promiscuous, but other comments I've seen make me wonder. I don't tend to "share" sexual history with men I am dating, mostly because I don't consider it their business but for out purposes I will. And only because, I don't consider this to be excessively promiscuous. My first time was at 15, my then BF and I were together for three years. I had a child at 17 and that kind broke us up. When I was 21 I briefly dated a guy from work and we were intimate but we broke up. A year later when I was 22 I was with a guy from college, but I found out he was living with woman and broke up with him. (He claimed that she was horrible and he was just there for their child) When I was 23 I lived with a man for over a year, we talked about our future and getting married and everything. But I got pregnant and the first word out of his mouth was abortion. He started really acting like an ass and I ended up throwing him out. I think he used me as a place to live and a car to get around in for that time, because he had neither. When I was 25 I reconnected with the high school BF. We dated and got married and I got pregnant again. Some things I had (I admit) ignored before the wedding became to big to ignore and I ended up leaving him after only a couple of months of being married. I wasn't in any relationships for four years after that, I was just busy putting my life together. When I did "re-enter" the dating world I was much more careful about trusting guys and still tend to keep people from getting too close to me. I dated a guy for six months and then broke up with him. I got hung up on another guy who was all sorts of wrong for a year before just not contacting him and deleting him from my phone and facebook so I wasn't able to see what he was up to. And now I am seeing a guy who's pretty sweet, but probably not right for me. He isn't evil, he and I just seem to have some pretty divergent world views. I like adventure and he's never left Kansas. I love good food and cuisine, and he wont eat anything that isn't a close relative of the chicken nugget. I want my kids to be confident, explorers of the world, his sit inside all day. I kicked my deadbeat brothers out, he supports his brother and mother (both of whom could work but don't even try). So my question is: at 29 years old, is this "number" unusually high? I don't think so. But I'm not exactly objective either.
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 No.. you are not promiscuous.. being promiscuous isn't always just about the numbers.. it's about the behavior too and your behavior is perfect for falling into the not promiscuous category. Numbers really mean nothing in the end unless the behavior raises the risk level. You can have only one partner but have more sex than someone who has had 10 partners and neither of those are promiscuous leaning unless the 10 partners were maybe one night stands with people they didn't know So just relax.. you are not promiscuous
thatone Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) so you were pregnant by three different men by the time you were 25 and the only marriage involved in those scenarios lasted two months. you are the woman every man wants to avoid, to be honest. if the chicken nugget guy isn't an axe murderer i would suggest working harder on keeping him around. Edited July 8, 2011 by thatone
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 so you were pregnant by three different men by the time you were 25 and the only marriage involved in those scenarios lasted two months. you are the woman every man wants to avoid, to be honest. No, the father of the oldest child is also the father of the youngest. I lived with him for several months before we got married (normal I believe). After the wedding he told me and showed me somethings he had been hiding from me, basically he was (and probably is) a professional con artist and shop lifter. I don't know if that helps my case or not, but I've never ever cheated on a partner and I try me best to be a responsible person. I don't live off the government, I finished my education and work a job that lets me pay my bills and spoil my kids a little. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I'm doing my best not to repeat them. I guess I'm wondering when I start to get credit for what I've done instead of being called rather insulting names and listening to some pretty mean implications about my character.
Star Gazer Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 so you were pregnant by three different men by the time you were 25 and the only marriage involved in those scenarios lasted two months. you are the woman every man wants to avoid, to be honest. if the chicken nugget guy isn't an axe murderer i would suggest working harder on keeping him around. Three times by two men, is how I read it. Twice with the same guy: the HS BF.
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 if the chicken nugget guy isn't an axe murderer i would suggest working harder on keeping him around. I really don't want to end up supporting his brother and mother. The mom I can sorta see not working, she's only 50 but she just had a minor heart attack. The brother is 27 and sleeps all day and plays on the computer all night. Why should I be willing to take that on, as well as a partner who won't eat anything, won't go hiking or camping, and won't leave the state?
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Three times by two men, is how I read it. Twice with the same guy: the HS BF. Yup, I admit, shouldn't have gone back there a second time.
thatone Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) No, the father of the oldest child is also the father of the youngest. I lived with him for several months before we got married (normal I believe). After the wedding he told me and showed me somethings he had been hiding from me, basically he was (and probably is) a professional con artist and shop lifter. I don't know if that helps my case or not, but I've never ever cheated on a partner and I try me best to be a responsible person. I don't live off the government, I finished my education and work a job that lets me pay my bills and spoil my kids a little. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I'm doing my best not to repeat them. I guess I'm wondering when I start to get credit for what I've done instead of being called rather insulting names and listening to some pretty mean implications about my character. you mentioned kansas. small town i assume? i do give you a lot of credit for posting all of that on here, for what it's worth, but if you're truly trying to change and be different, then include leaving with that. move away, start fresh and be who you want to be. people who don't know the past can't judge it. the honest answer to when people who know of a bad past will stop judging it is never. Edited July 8, 2011 by thatone
93TheHitStick Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Stupid question cuz u already know the answer. Not that number isn't high. I am a sophomore and there is girls in my grade who have slept with more dudes then you.
Nexus One Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Whatever the sexual history is of a women, when she refuses to disclose it I start hearing sirens and see waving red flags all over the place. Because regardless of the history, if she wouldn't be willing to disclose it then she tells me three things at the very least. 1. "I don't care if I give you the wrong idea about myself. So if I have you thinking that I might be a slut, then I'm fine with that. Go along, break up with me over it." That's simply not the type of personality I'm looking for in an SO. 2. When I'm trying to check if a woman is good material for a long term relationship, yet she tells me that it's none of my business, then I consider that as an attempt to block me from making an informed decision on whether I want to build a future with her and hence I interpret that as disrespect. If that kind of attitude is going to define our relationship, then that's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for. 3. When a woman says or thinks: "That's none of your business", then who is she going to trust, if not me, her SO.
Woggle Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 To me it's somebody who can't control their sexual appetite. It's those women who are in a great relationship with a man who treats them well but must sleep with the guy that smiled at them at work or else they are unable to function.
Nexus One Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Addendum: It's not necessarily about your number, it's about how you look back on your history and if you have evolved from it. Saying "that's none of your business" when a guy asks that is like planting a needle in his brain. Women know that this matters to many if not most guys, hence many women fear the question. It's those women who are in a great relationship with a man who treats them well but must sleep with the guy that smiled at them at work When someone is willing to risk the most important thing in their life, then perhaps it's not as important to them after all. Signs like that is what guys are looking for. Past behavior is a good indicator for future behavior.
Saxis Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I'd pretty much label someone promiscuous if they've had multiple partners including one night stands. I could see a single one night stand and realizing it was a mistake, but if you're dumb enough to do it again after that, you get the label.
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Whatever the sexual history is of a women, when she refuses to disclose it I start hearing sirens and see waving red flags all over the place. Because regardless of the history, if she wouldn't be willing to disclose it then she tells me three things at the very least. 1. "I don't care if I give you the wrong idea about myself. So if I have you thinking that I might be a slut, then I'm fine with that. Go along, break up with me over it." That's simply not the type of personality I'm looking for in an SO. 2. When I'm trying to check if a woman is good material for a long term relationship, yet she tells me that it's none of my business, then I consider that as an attempt to block me from making an informed decision on whether I want to build a future with her and hence I interpret that as disrespect. If that kind of attitude is going to define our relationship, then that's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for. 3. When a woman says or thinks: "That's none of your business", then who is she going to trust, if not me, her SO. I see what you are saying, but if you turn it around, I haven't slept with a huge number of men, but I'm still getting crap for my history, so in a way a woman can't win. I think the only way you can "check" to see if a person is good material for a long term relationship, is to know them over a period of time. Trust is something that has to be built. I know I have trouble trusting people. But early in a relationship is not the time to demand a huge amount of trust and neither is grilling a woman about her past. I usually don't come out and say "I'm not telling you anything" about my past. If they ask I tell the truth, I was married and I was the one who left. I just don't go into details about "cute guy from work" or "cheater from college". They don't matter, they're in the past.
Woggle Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Whatever the sexual history is of a women, when she refuses to disclose it I start hearing sirens and see waving red flags all over the place. Because regardless of the history, if she wouldn't be willing to disclose it then she tells me three things at the very least. 1. "I don't care if I give you the wrong idea about myself. So if I have you thinking that I might be a slut, then I'm fine with that. Go along, break up with me over it." That's simply not the type of personality I'm looking for in an SO. 2. When I'm trying to check if a woman is good material for a long term relationship, yet she tells me that it's none of my business, then I consider that as an attempt to block me from making an informed decision on whether I want to build a future with her and hence I interpret that as disrespect. If that kind of attitude is going to define our relationship, then that's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for. 3. When a woman says or thinks: "That's none of your business", then who is she going to trust, if not me, her SO. Very true. It's not that a man has to know all the details but if she has that attitude it speaks volumes about her.
thatone Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 and to clarify, it's not the number of sexual partners that's a red flag to me, no man expects to find a 29 year old virgin. it's the pregnant from two different men and the 2 month marriage that are the bigger red flags.
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Bigger red flags than staying in a bad marriage?
rafallus Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Number of partners is not a problem. Amount of pregnancies OTOH... it's the pregnant from two different men and the 2 month marriage that are the bigger red flags. LOL, you beat me to it.
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Number of partners is not a problem. Amount of pregnancies OTOH... LOL, you beat me to it. So women having sex = ok Women giving birth = slutty/promiscuous?
thatone Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Bigger red flags than staying in a bad marriage? if i were dating you and found out you had a child at 17 and another before 25 before getting married i would assume that whoever the husband was, the husband was a j*ckass. i would be shocked if he weren't. the fact that you went through with the marriage and then left two months later says not only do you attract and become attached to bad men, but you don't realize the consequences of your actions until it's too late. that's why i suggest leaving. just like i would know that the husband, whoever he was, was a complete tool, i know you're not the lone good girl in a crowd of bad people either. your friends are probably bad, your family is probably bad, your friends families are probably bad, and you're raising children amongst all of those bad people to repeat the same mistakes. that's who you are, you are not better than they are simply by saying so. so again, if you really want to change, leave. that includes friends and family. your deadbeat brothers don't have to be your close relatives anymore, stop associating with them. that's why people have 'distant' relatives. they're distant because we don't associate with those people. your parents who raised those brothers didn't do a very good job apparently, so distance yourself from them too. you can't simply decide to be different. you have to BE different, which means different friends, different job, different place, and 'distant' family if need be.
rafallus Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) So women having sex = ok Women giving birth = slutty/promiscuous? Having child at 17 (child giving birth to other child) is a red flag, period. Edited July 8, 2011 by rafallus
Feelsgoodman Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 You are not what I'd call promiscuous based on the numbers. You are, however, someone who exercises extremely bad judgement when it comes to relationships. First relationship at 15, first child at 17, subsequent pregnancies from men who had no interest in being a dad...all of those a huge red flags.
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 if i were dating you and found out you had a child at 17 and another before 25 before getting married i would assume that whoever the husband was, the husband was a j*ckass. i would be shocked if he weren't. the fact that you went through with the marriage and then left two months later says not only do you attract and become attached to bad men, but you don't realize the consequences of your actions until it's too late. that's why i suggest leaving. I do not live in my home town. I live and work in a town about 60 miles away. just like i would know that the husband, whoever he was, was a complete tool, i know you're not the lone good girl in a crowd of bad people either. your friends are probably bad, your family is probably bad, your friends families are probably bad, and you're raising children amongst all of those bad people to repeat the same mistakes. that's who you are, you are not better than they are simply by saying so. I'm a teacher. My local friends are teachers or friends of teachers. Some of the people I grew up with are dead, in jail or drugged out system abusers. I don't even talk to them on facebook. My boys do not associate with nefarious types when they are with me. I have no control over their dad, but he doesn't really do much besides sit around his house. so again, if you really want to change, leave. that includes friends and family. your deadbeat brothers don't have to be your close relatives anymore, stop associating with them. that's why people have 'distant' relatives. they're distant because we don't associate with those people. your parents who raised those brothers didn't do a very good job apparently, so distance yourself from them too. The last time I talked to my brothers was three weeks ago when they got in a fight at our aunt's business. At the time I told her to put them out and them that I wouldn't come get them, wouldn't give them money. Today one called me again to ask for money and again I said no. My parents weren't great. But they did their best and as adults we all make out own choices. My brothers are 27 and 28, they should know better by now. The same parents who weren't supervising me enough to make sure I didn't get pregnant also made damn sure I finished school. you can't simply decide to be different. you have to BE different, which means different friends, different job, different place, and 'distant' family if need be. Lets see, my mom is dead, my dad lives 700 miles away, I don't speak to most of my childhood friends or my brothers, I live 60 miles away from where we grew up and I'm a teacher. Just what exactly more do I have to do to be not trash in your eyes?
fwang Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Actually, I just talked about this topic with a guy friend. According to him, women and men are the same. The difference is, women want to have sex as casual as men do but they don't want others to know it. Because they don't want to be called "Sluts". Opinions?
Author misssmartypants Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 You are not what I'd call promiscuous based on the numbers. You are, however, someone who exercises extremely bad judgement when it comes to relationships. First relationship at 15, first child at 17, subsequent pregnancies from men who had no interest in being a dad...all of those a huge red flags. I don't think I should be held guilt of something I did at a 15 year old. I'm sure you were stupid at that point in your life as well. The guys were all living with me, and had been long term. With the second child we were planning a wedding when things fell apart. I have acknowledged that I used poor judgment in relationships and spent over four years just not dating because I knew I needed to work on myself before I tried to be in a relationship.
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