LittleMonkey Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Hey guys.. So here's the deal. Lately I've made some big changes in my life since the breakup (and the start of NC) 7+ weeks ago (after a 4.5 year relationship). The breakup was kind of nasty, no calm talking at the end (although I did try), hid her off FB chat and skype (in which we were talking a lot and also started the arguments that led to the breakup. 2.5 weeks after that she started dating some other guy and seemed so happy, and changed facebook relationship status with him. I was shattered. Slowly I've started trying to get my life together. Working out, new clothes/look, laser treatments, new job, and recently moving to the big city to an apartment. About 2+weeks ago she 'liked' a pic of my cat on FB, which was the first life sign I got from her since that horrible day. Didn't know what was that about and continued NC. Found out that she doesn't have the relationship thing anymore (not by me, a friend checked and told me without asking) Last week I posted a new profile pic, and she again, 'likes' it. I've decided to call when I'll be after the move. Wednesday came, and I was at the new place. I ran a few miles, did some work out, took a shower, and called. She was surprised to hear from me, she asked what happened that I've called now after blocking her from every possible thing. I said I did that at the beginning and it was just left like that 'cause I didn't think about it (yeah right) anyway, she seemed surprised, but wasn't indifferent or angry, she told me she started working at a coffee shop, and did lots of stuff throughout all that time. It was kind of strange talking to her, and I couldn't help myself saying "wow we haven't talked for so long!" she asked about me, and I said I did some things myself. I tried to keep my tone light and positive. I told her "Let's meet", she asked when, and I asked about her work schedule. She told me she gets her shifts on Saturday for the following week, that her shifts can be at any time, until late night etc. About this weekend she told me she goes to her uncle's place, so she doesn't know now when she can meet. I said "well, if you don't want to..." (again, light tones) and she said that it's because of the work that she can't really do anything during the week, sleeping most of the time off-work. She asked me if I unhid her from the chats, and I said I'm not near a computer now, she asked where was I, and I told her the street's name, then she asked what am I doing there, and I told her I live there. Here she started prying for info, I tried to say we'll talk about it when we meet, but she wouldn't stop, so I gave her a bit. Back to meeting, I tried to get some time, and told her I'm working during the day. She said maybe on Friday after she returns from her uncle's. Now she started probing about my work, and again I told her I'll tell her when we'll meet. I cut the conversation short by giving some excuse about me and a friend going to have something to eat. I told her to let me know about the schedule so we can set a meeting. Total time - 10 minutes. Basically the call was to show her I'm not mad, that I'm cool and mad some changes, and to set a meeting. She wasn't indifferent, she wasn't mad, she had a cheerful attitude in the call, she was interested to know about what I've been doing, not seeing me online did seem to matter to her. That was Wednesday. I unhid her when I got back. Thursday silence, not seeing her on chats or anything (she's sort of a facebook addict so it was strange), neither today (Friday). So I asked my friend (who also has her as a FB friend) to check if she's online, and yes she is. Now if she's hidden me, what's that about? Maybe she did it some time ago but why would she ask me about it but still hide me herself? Until now I've received nothing from her. Maybe she waits to see me online and forgot she hid me herself? I really don't know what's going on. I really want to meet her, and have a good time... When should I call again if she doesn't? I thought about sending her a message that I've unhid her so she'll know. but I don't know if it's such a good idea, I don't want to be pushy/needy. Any positive/constructive advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 What were the issues surrounding the breakup? She sounds like my ex..full of mixed signals. I know its hard, but I think you need to operate as though she's gone for good. Did she breakup with you or vice versa?
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 What were the issues surrounding the breakup? She sounds like my ex..full of mixed signals. I know its hard, but I think you need to operate as though she's gone for good. Did she breakup with you or vice versa? She broke up with me. We have entered a routine and I procrastinated many things we said we'll do together. I still feel guilty for it.. The trigger were two stupid fights over chat/phone after which she was very indifferent then wouldn't answer at all for a few days. Then I came over to her place to find out that "were broken up". I really want all the ugly detail to be behind me, water under the bridge. I want to concentrate on the future and make a better one for me and her, if only she will... Maybe she thought I was sending mixed signals, hiding her from chat then calling.. I don't know, don't know what's she thinking, if at all about this...
Chuck Bartowski Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 What were the issues surrounding the breakup? She sounds like my ex..full of mixed signals. I know its hard, but I think you need to operate as though she's gone for good. Did she breakup with you or vice versa? I disagree. You have had the conversation that I can only hope for right now. I would send a lighthearted text to see if still interested in meeting.
truenigma Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Yeah, go for it man. I always believe in giving it a shot (or several). It's just really hard when you recon, and then they bolt again (and again and again)..but my case isn't normal
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I disagree. You have had the conversation that I can only hope for right now. I would send a lighthearted text to see if still interested in meeting. I think I'll be patient for a few days so that I won't come off as needy/desperate. I'll call her on Monday or something if she doesn't call me until then (hope she will but afraid she won't)
SelfControl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Little...Let's get some more details here... How old are each of you? After you moved, how far do you live from her? Can you give more details when you say the break up was nasty? What was said during the 'no calm talking'? Did you sense her being more distant or pulling away 6 months or so before the breakup happened? Meaning, less touching, less contact via email/phone, less detailed answers to your questions, etc.
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Little...Let's get some more details here... How old are each of you? After you moved, how far do you live from her? Can you give more details when you say the break up was nasty? What was said during the 'no calm talking'? Did you sense her being more distant or pulling away 6 months or so before the breakup happened? Meaning, less touching, less contact via email/phone, less detailed answers to your questions, etc. Hey, the whole story is described in my first posts. Anyway, I'm 27, she's 21 (almost, birthday is on the 23rd, and I would really like to make something special for her, if only she'd meet me...) Originally I was about 1:40 hrs away from her if she'd go by train(had to replace a train in the middle), for me it'd take about 50 mins to get there by car. Now I'm actually closer to her place, only 50 mins by train. As I wrote before, we had two arguments on the phone, really stupid things that I started (althought I really didn't have any intention of fighting about) the day after that she acted very distant, and after that she didn't answer for a few days until I came over to her place to make up and say sorry only to find out she dumped me and I should have guessed that. About distance before, there was a routine we've entered, I can't say for sure but maybe in the last month she's been pulling away, although we did meet and stuff. Still it was very subtle, because we did talk on skype all the time etc.
SelfControl Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Little...thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. There were two things working against you from the start of this relationship. 1. Long Distance. 2. She's in her 'fall in and out of love every 5 minute' age (18 - 23). Now to your defense, at the age of 27, I had no idea about these things either. Now, I would not touch either of them with a 10 foot pole, not even with the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm not saying having a LDR or dating a 21 year old would never work out. I'm saying that the odds of it working out are very, very slim, so why waste your time. Let me explain, with an LDR a woman initially likes the mystery and challenge of her man that lives so far away because when you are apart she is wondering what you are doing, who you are with, when you will come vistit, etc. This initially turns her on and gets her interest in you up in the stratosphere. However, over time and with the man spilling his guts, she learns who you hang out with when you are not with her, what your schedule is when you are not with her, and that you will visit every other weekend like clockwork. This causes her opportunity to wonder about you to go out the window, along with her interest in you and the relationship. That's when she starts pulling away and looking for to get out and/or something closer to home. Men typically see the signs she is pulling away and either chase her more, which has a negative effect and causes her to pull away more, or they don't know what to do about the signs and eventually she breaks up with him. The man is then wondering what happened and how it could have happened so suddenly, when in reality she has been warning him for a while now. As far as her age goes, women at her age tend to get bored easily in a relationship and can jump from one man to another in an instant, especially when her interest plummets. (And, to some degree men do this too.) So, don't take it personally when you date a woman this age and she up and leaves you. In addition to the LDR and her age, you have to remember that a man kills a woman's chance to wonder about him by calling her all the time, texting her all the time, skyping all the time, talking mushy all the time, etc. Deep down a woman wants to do some of the chasing, too, so let her. Next time, call every two or three days, only text something funny every couple of weeks at unpredictable times. This will keep her on her toes. And, best of all, she may not want to wait the two or three days for you to call her, so she calls you, which means the challenge and mystery are working. The point is, men need to be more mysterious and challenging to a woman than they think. On top of that, men need to understand it is ok to do this. Most men think they are playing a game or have been brainwashed by the media to think that a woman wants her man in her hip pocket 24/7. This is not reality. It only works on TV and in the movies. Finally, as a suggestion, please don't give your ex anything for her birthday, especially a home made gift. My guess is that you are doing this in hopes of trying to raise her interest in you a bit by showing her how sensative and thoughtful you are. My expectation is that if you give her this gift it will only drive her interest even lower because she wants you to be strong during all this and instead you are coming off as weak. Also, remember, you are broken up. You no longer need to give her gifts for any reason, especially if your true intention is only to raise her interest in you. I know this is what you do not want to hear, but IMO this relationship is over. Her interest in you has gone too low and there is nothing you can do or say to raise it back up. Now, she may stick around and give you false hope for a while, but be careful not to interpret these things as her interest in you going up. She would need to actually say that she wants to get back with you and then back it up with consistent actions in order for you to be sure her interest in you was salvagable and did go back up. Keep your hopes in check, though, as this is very unlikely. So, please, back off from communicating with her and continue to work on yourself. From what I've read you've done a great job at improving yourself. Keep it up. If after reading this you still contact her on Monday please post what happens. I'll be very interested in hearing about it. On more thing, have you ever told her you love her? If so, how many times and how often?
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Little...thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. There were two things working against you from the start of this relationship. 1. Long Distance. 2. She's in her 'fall in and out of love every 5 minute' age (18 - 23). Now to your defense, at the age of 27, I had no idea about these things either. Now, I would not touch either of them with a 10 foot pole, not even with the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm not saying having a LDR or dating a 21 year old would never work out. I'm saying that the odds of it working out are very, very slim, so why waste your time. Let me explain, with an LDR a woman initially likes the mystery and challenge of her man that lives so far away because when you are apart she is wondering what you are doing, who you are with, when you will come vistit, etc. This initially turns her on and gets her interest in you up in the stratosphere. However, over time and with the man spilling his guts, she learns who you hang out with when you are not with her, what your schedule is when you are not with her, and that you will visit every other weekend like clockwork. This causes her opportunity to wonder about you to go out the window, along with her interest in you and the relationship. That's when she starts pulling away and looking for to get out and/or something closer to home. Men typically see the signs she is pulling away and either chase her more, which has a negative effect and causes her to pull away more, or they don't know what to do about the signs and eventually she breaks up with him. The man is then wondering what happened and how it could have happened so suddenly, when in reality she has been warning him for a while now. As far as her age goes, women at her age tend to get bored easily in a relationship and can jump from one man to another in an instant, especially when her interest plummets. (And, to some degree men do this too.) So, don't take it personally when you date a woman this age and she up and leaves you. In addition to the LDR and her age, you have to remember that a man kills a woman's chance to wonder about him by calling her all the time, texting her all the time, skyping all the time, talking mushy all the time, etc. Deep down a woman wants to do some of the chasing, too, so let her. Next time, call every two or three days, only text something funny every couple of weeks at unpredictable times. This will keep her on her toes. And, best of all, she may not want to wait the two or three days for you to call her, so she calls you, which means the challenge and mystery are working. The point is, men need to be more mysterious and challenging to a woman than they think. On top of that, men need to understand it is ok to do this. Most men think they are playing a game or have been brainwashed by the media to think that a woman wants her man in her hip pocket 24/7. This is not reality. It only works on TV and in the movies. Finally, as a suggestion, please don't give your ex anything for her birthday, especially a home made gift. My guess is that you are doing this in hopes of trying to raise her interest in you a bit by showing her how sensative and thoughtful you are. My expectation is that if you give her this gift it will only drive her interest even lower because she wants you to be strong during all this and instead you are coming off as weak. Also, remember, you are broken up. You no longer need to give her gifts for any reason, especially if your true intention is only to raise her interest in you. I know this is what you do not want to hear, but IMO this relationship is over. Her interest in you has gone too low and there is nothing you can do or say to raise it back up. Now, she may stick around and give you false hope for a while, but be careful not to interpret these things as her interest in you going up. She would need to actually say that she wants to get back with you and then back it up with consistent actions in order for you to be sure her interest in you was salvagable and did go back up. Keep your hopes in check, though, as this is very unlikely. So, please, back off from communicating with her and continue to work on yourself. From what I've read you've done a great job at improving yourself. Keep it up. If after reading this you still contact her on Monday please post what happens. I'll be very interested in hearing about it. On more thing, have you ever told her you love her? If so, how many times and how often? Well, here's an update: I found out she herself hid me from FB chat, which was strange considering she asked if I unhid her... anyways after some stressful time I suddenly saw she commented on two pics of my cats I've uploaded the other day. A few minutes after that she's suddenly online on chat, unhid me probably. I waited for a little while so I wont be seen as despreate, and said hey. the conversation was very short, I cut it off a few minutes with saying I need to go have something to eat with the guys. I said I'll call her later. (that was about 6:30PM) A few hours later, about 9:30PM I called again and made some light talk, showed fun and nonchalance, asked about her schedule for the next week. The conversation went alright. I told her I'm going to a bar later on. She asked with whom (maybe checking to see if I'm going with a girl.. dunno hehe) she said she went to this stand up club the previous day, it wa great and "we should go there"(not sure if that was something she said out of habit though) She ended it (not sure if it was real or her attempt to cut it short) said she'll call later. I told her alright, that she'll call me when she has the schedule. Now, sitting at the bar I didn't really think she'll call, not in the same day at least. Suddenly, at about 11:30PM she calls, and I was going to go outside as it was pretty noisy in the bar. My friend stops me and tells me to answer inside and then take it outside. That was GENIUS. She suddenly saw how I'm hanging out and that added credibility to what I said... anyways, she told me her shifts this week are all afternoon-night (I'm working in the mornings), and that she's going abroad for a week on Thursday, (returning two days before her birthday) I told her we could arrange a breakfast in the city on Tuesday. She said we could but still not sure if she'll be able to because she finishes work late the previous day, so we may meet but it's not a sure thing. She said that if we don't meet this week we'll meet after she comes back, on her birthday (now I'm not sure if she actually meant that...), I said okay, not to show any desperation to meet her, keep my cool. we said goo night and that we'll be in touch to see what happens during the week. Overall the call went pretty good I think, light & fun. I really hope it'll turn up okay and that we'll meet.. This all thing is SO stressful, talking to her is like holding my breath. Hope she doesn't forget about me when she's on the trip.. (I think she goes with her family, didn't inquire, she told me about it back when we were still together).
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 Another update: I've just discovered that there are no trains (crappy train company) from her place to mine on Tuesday... which means we probably won't meet before she goes for the vacation... Sucks, but I think I'll try to make the most of it, telling her that we can't meet now but we'll meet after she comes back, hopefully raising her expectations... Thinking about the gift, when/if to give it to her, I hoped we'll meet before so I'll have a better chance at it having a good effect.
SelfControl Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 You're playing with fire. I see pain in your future.
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 You're playing with fire. I see pain in your future. Hmm, what happened to a little optimism? That's not very helpful..
SelfControl Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 (edited) It may not seem helpful now, but it will be in the long run. Optimism in your case is a dangerous thing, especially with long distance, your ages and her dwindling interest level in you working against you. What can I say. If you don't heed to advice/info that was posted before, experience will be the only teacher for you. Listen, the last thing I want to do is beat you up over your situaton. My goal is to pass on knowledge, as a man, to other men, to try and protect themselves. When it comes to relationships, it's a woman's turf. They eat and breathe it. And, she has been doing it since she was 11. Think about it. As a guy, you probably started to like sports at a young age, like the NFL. You liked it so much you read the sports page, joined a fantasy football league, talked to strangers about who their favorite team and players are, you debated over trades and coaching changes, you made a player one of your role models, etc. This is what women do with romantic relationships. The have a support system of women they talk to about their relationships, they talk to strangers about what's going on with thier relationship and vis-versa, they remember who is dating who and make their own opinions about whether the two are right for each other, the read all of the gossip magazines to stay on top of celebrities' lives, etc. They do this practically 24/7, just like a man would with the NFL. As a young man, I want you to learn that women know more about this stuff than men, and us men have to respect that. Now I'm not saying men can't learn and be experts about relationships, too. I am saying it takes years of practice and experience to catch up to her level of expertise and level the playing field. Tell you what I'll do. I'll bookmark this thread and check it regularly. Keep posting updates, and if your situation works out and you get your gf back in a committed relationship, I'll apologize for not being optimistic. And, if the opposite happens and you end up in pain, you apologize. Deal? Edited July 10, 2011 by SelfControl
Author LittleMonkey Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Okay I've talked to her, it was a nice little chat, told her about the trains, and she said that we'll meet after she comes back. I decided not to bring up the option of me driving to her place to meet, felt more right. Acted casual during the call. We talked a bit about her work, and that we'll exchange experiences from her vacation. I said I needed to go to lunch, and asked her to talk to me before she's going, she said cool. Now my worries are what if she forgets about me on her vacation? And is she really going to call before that? What about her birthday? Do I make her that something special?
Kuite09 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I think I'll be patient for a few days so that I won't come off as needy/desperate. I'll call her on Monday or something if she doesn't call me until then (hope she will but afraid she won't) Little Monkey, I sure do know how your feeling right now. The good thing is you got a meeting place & time in the near future. I went NC for 3 weeks on my ex, I decided to text him for Fathers day ( i got a cute thank you reply) then a week after that I texted him telling him I will always love him (i got a reply back and a additional one the next day) then on 4th of July I texted him again to tell me to call me when he can and he called the next day. I was so freaking happy to hear from him but since last tuesday I still havnt heard nothing. He was super cool when we spoke he said he's been wanting to call but figured I didn't want to hear from me. He told me he missed me and that he still loves me etc. But nothing about meeting up or nothing we spoke for 30 min and towards the end he said "we'll talk" Today is 7 yrs ago that we met, over the weekend I mailed out a little card to his place just basically saying thinkin of you on this date and thanks for being such a special part of my life. He should receive the card either today or tomorrow in the mail so lets see what happens but I think after this little attempt im holding off on any attempts. The times hes texted or called is becuz of me, not once hes made an attempt on his own to contact. The only one time was the day after I wrote one of the texts and he said "that text you sent lastnight, meant a lot to me and made me smile" So now I feel just like you did not long ago and im so freaking confused at this point and scared becuz I hate feeling disapointed. I just gotta stay up and positive.
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