BrighterDaze Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Hi. I need your support and advice. I have been in a 15 year relationship with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life. Well, we never got married. He said and says that he doesnt understand the point of such a commitment. Interestingly enough, he has asked me several times during our long term relationship. He even bought a ring. Unfortunately, after he pops the question, nothing usually happens. Over the years, I have cried over this relationship. I have been unhappy about not being married and not have more children. (We have one son.) I went to him many times about this, but he never seemed to pay attention. He would hear me, but not listen. Over the years, this put a wedge between us. Our sex life took a real nose dive, but some how we stayed together. He cheated on me years ago, but has since apologized and promised to never do so again. He saw just how much it crushed me. We went to counseling, but he still didnt seem to understand my needs and how his behavior plays a huge part in the success of the relationship. Recently, I learned that he was getting close to a co-worker. They went to happy hour a few times and he spent time with her on a weekend. Of course, he lied when confronted, initiallly. Since then, he has been honest. He asked for an "open relationship", and has since recanted it. He said that our relationship was boring and he wanted to have fun. He thinks that he is going through Midlife Crisis (He is 54. I am 41.). Now, he regrets asking for the "open-relationship," and wants to work through ours. He talked with the co-worker about their inappropriateness and has since stopped. He says that he is willing to take the long road to regain my trust. He now seems to understand how important a commitment was/is to me. He takes the blame for not being there emotionally for me so many times. However, he is unwillingly to commitment more than a day at a time to this relationship. I asked him to work with me for six months and really try to repair the damage. He either can't or won't. He said that he just can't commit to that. I love him with all of my heart. He is my bestfriend, father to my son, and my lover. I dont want to leave my home, but I dont think that this is the best place for me right now. I called a realtor to assess our home. This is to begin the stages of moving apart. I am so hurt, but do you see any other solution? Counseling seemed like a waste of money for us. We know our problems. My fear is that I will be hurting again, if I stay, because he is unsure of himself. He says that he wants me and us, but it seems like the right thing to say right now. Please help me. I was not perfect in this either, but I only wanted to be with him.
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 BrighterDaze I would not even attempt to offer you advice here, because I have never been in your situation. Never walked in your shoes. I would strongly recommend you talk to a professional counsellor. It takes courage after 1 year to walk away from someone you love. After 15 years it takes the kind of courage you don't even know you have. This is where a counsellor can assist you...I promise you after speaking with a counsellor (in this case it could take months or longer) you will know the right thing to do..
Author BrighterDaze Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thanks, Mack, for your reply. Honestly, I think I am going to proceed with leaving. I have been through so much in this relationship. I think that if you are not happy and dont see happiness in the future, then it is best to move on. It will hurt, but I'll be better for it....I hope.
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Thanks, Mack, for your reply. Honestly, I think I am going to proceed with leaving. I have been through so much in this relationship. I think that if you are not happy and dont see happiness in the future, then it is best to move on. It will hurt, but I'll be better for it....I hope. BrighterDaze, I hope you hang around on these forums. To say you have got guts and courage is the biggest understatement I can make. People can learn from someone like you and I am one of them.
sunshine103 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 "However, he is unwillingly to commitment more than a day at a time to this relationship. I asked him to work with me for six months and really try to repair the damage. He either can't or won't. He said that he just can't commit to that." That pretty much says it all to me. What you are asking is nothing big, especially when it was HIM that was doing "inappropriate" things with a co-worker and he told you he is willing to "take the long road to regain my trust." Your offer is more than fair and if my ex-boyfriend REALLY, TRULY wanted to work things out with me, and I offered him that, I EXPECT him to have taken the offer. If not, I'm gone.
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