woinlove Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I agree with this. Your life and your options are not worth less than his. You have as much right to your continued visibility as he has to his. You have as much right to continuing to hang out at your favourite spots, to see your (mutual, or personal) friends, to move around your neighbourhood with your head held high, as he has. Why should YOU have to slink off into the shadows because he decides to bring someone else onto the scene? It was your life as much as it was his, there, together, in your neighbourhood, and he has no more right to claim that stomping ground than you have. I'd agree with SB that you should put that to him, so that he realises it's not all about him, and that he needs to lie in the bed of his own making when it comes to what happens next. Even if you do not go out of your way to make things uncomfortable for them, given that you've been open as a couple, even arb others will still double take when he arrives with someone else - who isn't just "new" but claims to have been his W even back then. If she's at all tuned in, she's likely to pick up on that too - so chances are it's lose-lose all round if he plays it the way he's suggested. Hopefully good sense will prevail and he'll recognise how foolish such a move would be for EVERYONE. You are not some inconvenient factor to be erased at will. Your life is as important to you as his is to him. You have every right to make sure he understands that! Good luck This approach doesn't seem that realistic. With both parents living there, his daughter will visit too, and I doubt the idea of trying to cast doubt on whether she is really his wife will work in the presence of their daughter, and possibly other relatives who might visit them. However, in general, the idea of being open and honest with people, and preparing oneself for encountering him with his family is good advice, as that is one possible outcome. If you'd like him either to divorce and be with you or for him to settle with his family elsewhere, you could try to get him to choose and convince him if he chooses his wife, she will definitely know about you and him if she joins him. However, from what you write and his past affair, this may not stop her from joining him. So, you should prepare yourself for that outcome and make sure you plan a happy future, with or without MM.
Author blueeyes11 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 First I would like to apologize for using the term scorned wives the other day. I should not have said that. I have been silent and thinking for 6 days now since he told me. I have stayed away from him, not spoken on the phone, just a couple of texts. I got physically ill from my upset but I am feeling better and stronger. I knew I was too emotional to act intelligently last week. I was suppose to spend Saturday with him, but I felt ill and I thought seeing him would only get the rollercoaster going again. I have decided there is no way on earth I can be with him anymore. Its just impossible to keep my dignity and him at the same time if this is his plan. I would only be hurting my ownself. I decided if he is not going to do something to protect me from this pain then I will. He moved to my town to be with me. He lived an hr away from me when we met. I picked the home he lives in and almost everything that is in it. We are friends with all the neighbors and they have known me for 4 yrs. I feel this is my town, my turf, my neighborhood. I am going to tell him if he wants to bring her here to my turf then he better tell her about spending the last 5 yrs of his life with me or I will tell her. If I see her or I see him with her I will tell her. This is a small community and it would be inevitable that I would run into her, especially if she is retired and beebopping around town. If she is coming he better sell that house and move to another town because I will not be subject to this pain he is causing me. I don't want to see him anymore, he needs to be out of my life for good so I can move on. Opinions? I know a lot of you may not agree on my ultimatum, but I feel it is the only power I have to make him go away and not make me go through more pain. I do not want to be tempted to see him or do anything stupid.
woinlove Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 First I would like to apologize for using the term scorned wives the other day. I should not have said that. I have been silent and thinking for 6 days now since he told me. I have stayed away from him, not spoken on the phone, just a couple of texts. I got physically ill from my upset but I am feeling better and stronger. I knew I was too emotional to act intelligently last week. I was suppose to spend Saturday with him, but I felt ill and I thought seeing him would only get the rollercoaster going again. I have decided there is no way on earth I can be with him anymore. Its just impossible to keep my dignity and him at the same time if this is his plan. I would only be hurting my ownself. I decided if he is not going to do something to protect me from this pain then I will. He moved to my town to be with me. He lived an hr away from me when we met. I picked the home he lives in and almost everything that is in it. We are friends with all the neighbors and they have known me for 4 yrs. I feel this is my town, my turf, my neighborhood. I am going to tell him if he wants to bring her here to my turf then he better tell her about spending the last 5 yrs of his life with me or I will tell her. If I see her or I see him with her I will tell her. This is a small community and it would be inevitable that I would run into her, especially if she is retired and beebopping around town. If she is coming he better sell that house and move to another town because I will not be subject to this pain he is causing me. I don't want to see him anymore, he needs to be out of my life for good so I can move on. Opinions? I know a lot of you may not agree on my ultimatum, but I feel it is the only power I have to make him go away and not make me go through more pain. I do not want to be tempted to see him or do anything stupid. Sounds like you are standing up for yourself, demanding better, and I agree that this is your best chance to be free of him. For a man who has spent at least 15 years cheating, I'm not sure it will work in getting him to move, as he either is good at convincing his W of some alternate reality or she puts up with it for some reason, but it might work. Good luck.
OWoman Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I have decided there is no way on earth I can be with him anymore. Its just impossible to keep my dignity and him at the same time if this is his plan. I would only be hurting my ownself. I decided if he is not going to do something to protect me from this pain then I will. He moved to my town to be with me. He lived an hr away from me when we met. I picked the home he lives in and almost everything that is in it. We are friends with all the neighbors and they have known me for 4 yrs. I feel this is my town, my turf, my neighborhood. I am going to tell him if he wants to bring her here to my turf then he better tell her about spending the last 5 yrs of his life with me or I will tell her. If I see her or I see him with her I will tell her. This is a small community and it would be inevitable that I would run into her, especially if she is retired and beebopping around town. If she is coming he better sell that house and move to another town because I will not be subject to this pain he is causing me. I don't want to see him anymore, he needs to be out of my life for good so I can move on. Opinions? Agree completely.
TurboGirl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Good for you Blue Eyes. It would take a lot of Ballz for him to move her into the house that YOU chose, decorated, etc. However, many MM seem to have no problem doing completely classless and distastful things, IMHO. Can't believe she doesn't suspect a thing. She must, and that is why she is coming. Stay strong... and GREAT JOB on not seeing him! :bunny:
chalkfarm Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 First I would like to apologize for using the term scorned wives the other day. I should not have said that. I have been silent and thinking for 6 days now since he told me. I have stayed away from him, not spoken on the phone, just a couple of texts. I got physically ill from my upset but I am feeling better and stronger. I knew I was too emotional to act intelligently last week. I was suppose to spend Saturday with him, but I felt ill and I thought seeing him would only get the rollercoaster going again. I have decided there is no way on earth I can be with him anymore. Its just impossible to keep my dignity and him at the same time if this is his plan. I would only be hurting my ownself. I decided if he is not going to do something to protect me from this pain then I will. He moved to my town to be with me. He lived an hr away from me when we met. I picked the home he lives in and almost everything that is in it. We are friends with all the neighbors and they have known me for 4 yrs. I feel this is my town, my turf, my neighborhood. I am going to tell him if he wants to bring her here to my turf then he better tell her about spending the last 5 yrs of his life with me or I will tell her. If I see her or I see him with her I will tell her. This is a small community and it would be inevitable that I would run into her, especially if she is retired and beebopping around town. If she is coming he better sell that house and move to another town because I will not be subject to this pain he is causing me. I don't want to see him anymore, he needs to be out of my life for good so I can move on. Opinions? I know a lot of you may not agree on my ultimatum, but I feel it is the only power I have to make him go away and not make me go through more pain. I do not want to be tempted to see him or do anything stupid. A+ my dear! A+!
SidLyon Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 First I would like to apologize for using the term scorned wives the other day. I should not have said that. I have been silent and thinking for 6 days now since he told me. I have stayed away from him, not spoken on the phone, just a couple of texts. I got physically ill from my upset but I am feeling better and stronger. I knew I was too emotional to act intelligently last week. I was suppose to spend Saturday with him, but I felt ill and I thought seeing him would only get the rollercoaster going again. I have decided there is no way on earth I can be with him anymore. Its just impossible to keep my dignity and him at the same time if this is his plan. I would only be hurting my ownself. I decided if he is not going to do something to protect me from this pain then I will. He moved to my town to be with me. He lived an hr away from me when we met. I picked the home he lives in and almost everything that is in it. We are friends with all the neighbors and they have known me for 4 yrs. I feel this is my town, my turf, my neighborhood. I am going to tell him if he wants to bring her here to my turf then he better tell her about spending the last 5 yrs of his life with me or I will tell her. If I see her or I see him with her I will tell her. This is a small community and it would be inevitable that I would run into her, especially if she is retired and beebopping around town. If she is coming he better sell that house and move to another town because I will not be subject to this pain he is causing me. I don't want to see him anymore, he needs to be out of my life for good so I can move on. Opinions? I know a lot of you may not agree on my ultimatum, but I feel it is the only power I have to make him go away and not make me go through more pain. I do not want to be tempted to see him or do anything stupid. Yes; sounds good.
fooled once Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I agree. Take your stand now. End it NOW so you can move on and so he knows the score Just remember, his wife is the innocent party here; she has been living in her own area, raising their daughter. She is just as 'entitled' as you to have a drama free life and I am sure her finding out that you have been his OW for 5 years will cause her much heartbreak, just like ending the affair will cause you heart break. Only difference is, you knew of her existance and chose to be in the affair; she doesn't have any idea of your presence. I am sure any time she brought up the subject to him, even in a joking way, he lied and told her she was being silly.
Barrsitter Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Author blueeyes11 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Amen sista! I hear that loud and clear! ty
Author blueeyes11 Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 well we e mailed back and forth Tuesday and I let him know my terms. He wants to talk to me. I told him Saturday but then last night I told him no to Saturday, I just can't stand to see him. I feel like I am pulling myself up out of the mud and I am moving along in my life and I know when I see him I will get all emotional and it will be harder and of course final. I know I am putting things off really. I am not changing my mind about anything. I won't go back to him. I feel he made his choice and he hasn't shown me that he is changing it so I don't even know what he could possibly have to say.
Sharon1961 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 well we e mailed back and forth Tuesday and I let him know my terms. He wants to talk to me. I told him Saturday but then last night I told him no to Saturday, I just can't stand to see him. I feel like I am pulling myself up out of the mud and I am moving along in my life and I know when I see him I will get all emotional and it will be harder and of course final. I know I am putting things off really. I am not changing my mind about anything. I won't go back to him. I feel he made his choice and he hasn't shown me that he is changing it so I don't even know what he could possibly have to say. Good for you. I don't think it really matters what he has to say. How could anything he says mean anything. You are doing a good thing getting on with your life.
fooled once Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Why does he have to see you? To convince you to continue to be the OW? I fear that he will convince you to keep the affair going until he brings the wife up.
Author blueeyes11 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I cannot imagine anything he will have to say is going to influence me one bit. I haven't seen him yet, but tonight I am going to make my list of things that belong to me I want him to get ready for me to pick up and that will be his little chance to speak to me. I had millions of things go through my head I wanted to say to him over the past couple weeks but I am to the point I don't even want to share them with him any longer because I see no point. Any energy I give him now is wasted energy. I have gotten a grip on reality and I am not living in the fantasy world I was in when I was with him. It took me a long time to get here but I feel like I have my head on straight and I can do what is best for me, I am not weak to him any longer. I feel good. It is such a good feeling when you know you are doing the "right thing!" And I am not telling his wife, but I leave the threat in the air because i do not want to bump in to either of them. I have no desires to hurt anyone or get back at him. Thank you to all who gave input to my problem it was so helpful. I needed those kicks in the butt!
Gentlegirl Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 The same happened to me ... after 3 years a variety of things collided in the A. There was a D day as they say, and his retirement.He had planned the retirement etc and very quickly made a choice. He said in an email, after 3 years, that he no longer wanted to cause me pain or upset, so he wouldn't contact me again. I have not heard from him again since 3rd February this year. It shattered the life I had at that time... no doubt about that. I didn't have another close adult relationship. It has been a very, very tough time. It continues to be a time of change and rebuilding for me, which is exciting now. My advice is to ask him what he chooses... if it's her, then get away and go NC ASAP. If they are getting towards retirement time, it would be very difficutl for him to start all over with you. Ask yourself it you would really want to be at the middle of the **** fight that will happen?????? There will be the wife and the daughter to contend with. After all this time, I am happy that I didn't have to cope with his family and all the dramas entailed in that. My heart goes out to you, Gentlegirl
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