I am a completely lost ow

[blueeyes11]

I have been in an affair for almost 5 yrs w a man I love deeply. He moved here 5 yrs ago and his wife lives a few states south of us and he goes to visit her about 1 wkend a mo and his college daughter. His home has been "our place" our space. Since she is so far away there has been no need to hide or be discreet because everyone local has just seen him with me. I think this is why I have survived being in this relationship so long, in my world she has barely existed. I knew he was not going to leave her, that much has been clear for quite some time, reasons he is nearing retirement and loss of money and most of all I think he is afraid of destroying his relationship w his daughter which is very dependant on both of them. There is a history of manipulation and guilt on the daughters part. I know she has thought her father was having an affair for quite some time.

 

So 2 days ago we are sitting on the deck talking and he hits me w some news that tore my heart out of my chest and I feel broken into a million pieces. I am feeling such anxiety I don't know how to deal with this. I have no experience, this is my first and definately last affair. His wifes company is downsizing and she is going to be asked to retire early later this year and she wants to retire, sell the house and move here with him. I totally lost it, I fell to pieces and bawled my eyes out and for 3 days I cannot even think of him without tears coming to my eyes. He is my best friend and everything to me. He says he is lost too, he doesn't know what to do either. I suggested he tell her to stay there, but I don't think that is going to happen. I know I cannot stand to have a relationship w him on the sly w her here. I would never have gotten myself into this mess if that is how things had been. I feel such a deep sadness inside of me like death is coming and I don't know how to handle it.

I have had horrible thoughts of telling her so she will leave him. I know that is vengeful and mean and I don't think I could actually do that. But the feeling to lash out is there. I know she has no idea I exist.

How do I deal with this? Do I keep on going until the day she comes, do I try to protect my heart and leave him now? I feel full of anxiety and sadness and that I have no control over anything.

I am completely lost.

[Silly_Girl]

I think it would be very hard to cut contact with him right now, if you're considering that as an option. You're still reeling from everything and you need some time to think it through.

 

What's your personality like? Are you likely to be able to sever ties knowing that you might well resume contact and go through upset and turmoil more than once? That would be a harsh thing to do to yourself. But hanging in there until the very end will sting like crazy. In some ways perhaps you're better off pushing on sooner rather than later, so you can be headlong in to your new, fulfilling, single life long before they start doing their thing, whatever that is.

 

I feel for you.

[TigerCub]

Hey Blueeyes,

 

I'm sorry that you're in such pain.

I'm not going to lecture you, but in all honesty, you knew that this guy is living a double life, he was never really yours.

 

Now "worlds are gonna collide" and there is no way to change that.

 

I would imagine that you knew in the back of your head that the life you had with him will be coming to an end, but you just never fully acknowledged that fact, you lived in the Now with him.

 

I believe that you're thinking of telling his W because you're panicking at the thought of losing the life you have with him. But don't be so sure she'll leave him even if she did know, if she's going to retire, and leave her friends, etc, she might be afraid to leave him.

 

Also, he might end up leaving you for telling his wife and causing so much drama.

 

It would just be cruel to tell her just to attain the goal of having him - which doesn't even sound likely because he told you he wont leave her.

 

I'm sorry for you sadness and pain, but it would probably be best to start distancing yourself from him now.

[Owl]

The bottom line is that now he's going to have to choose.

 

Her, or you.

 

Unless he takes the third option, which is to leave it at the status quo until she arrives and moves in with him there, and leaves the choice up to you to make as to whether or not you will continue to 'be' with him in those conditions.

 

Actually, I expect he'll try to take route #3 unless you force him to do otherwise and make the choice for him or decide to proactively end the affair.

[SoleMate]

He won't leave his wife because of finances and a grown little one but you expect his wife to leave him?

 

Good point...it is not reasonable to expect the WIFE to smooth the path for the EMA to flourish, when even the MM/AP is not willing to do so. If anyone in that marriage should be motivated, it is him, not her. He's clearly not motivated enough.

 

Talking to the wife will likely do little good for you. Instead, it is most probable that both the W and the AP/MM/H will turn on you with guns blazing and treat you as the problem.

 

It's an old story and the only way to begin recovery is to leave him, spend weeks in active grief, start healing and move on. You may need to restructure your life so you do no run the risk or even the possibility of seeing him or her or being contacted by either of them.

[NoIDidn't]

If you know how to contact his W, I think you should tell her.

 

Not because you are trying to keep him or hoping she will leave him, but because it will save her the trip of selling all her stuff and moving just to be blind-sided.

 

If she stays married and sells all of that stuff with the knowledge that he's been with you while there, then that's her business.

 

But I would feel terribly guilty for knowing that someone is about to uproot themselves for a lie and I could have shed some light on things before they made such a huge decision.

 

I can't say how he feels about you, but I can say that I think he did you a disservice in dropping things on you the way he did. But that's typical of MM towards the OW. They expect her to accommodate the changes in their lives, but do very little in adjusting for her. I can get that he's torn, but he needed to be closer to a decision on what he was going to do before he shared that with you. As it stands, it sounds like he's asking you to go into the shadows because his W is coming. Sounds like he is not interested in rocking the boat of his marriage, but will certainly rock the foundation of your A with him.

 

Either way, though, I think its unfair to wait until she's lost her comfort zone by moving there for her to find out that he's having an affair. And I'm not a "you should tell them" kind of poster at all. I just think its better for her to find out about you before she puts her home on the market.

[blueeyes11]

I appreciate all of your opinions. Even the ones I can tell are from scorned wives. I never set out to hurt anyone. I said I had thoughts of telling her, but I am really not a vindictive person at all and I do not want to hurt her. I think she has been use to turning a blind eye for a long time, I am not the first. His previous OW lasted 10 yrs, so I really do not think it would make her leave him. That is not how I would want it to be anyhow. What I really wished is he would chose me. I know this relationship would have continued on for yrs just as it has, I just never let myself think of end. Who does though? You fall in love with someone and you want it to go on forever, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, but you cannot really love someone and think of an ending.

I want to go gracefully and lovingly so we can both cherish what we shared. Its just so hard. I know it was not easy for him to tell me. He kept apologizing for hurting me. I know he feels bad. I just am disapointed so that he doesn't feel bad enough to do something about it.

[Owl]

I don't believe that any of the posters who have responded to you are "scorned wives".

 

The question here isn't "what is he going to do about it".

 

It's 'what are YOU going to do about it"?

 

Clearly you can't (and I'm sure don't want to) control him.

 

You can only control yourself.

 

So...what's your gameplan from here?

[blueeyes11]

I do not know what my plan is.... hence the lost. I am still absorbing my reality.

[Owl]

Let me give a little advice from a vet.

 

Do something.

 

Do ANYTHING.

 

But do SOMETHING.

 

Go left, go right, it doesn't matter...but don't sit there waiting for the choice to be made for you.

 

There's a term..."analysis paralysis" that applies to a LOT of people in similar situations to yours. They spend all their time trying to figure out what to do...they end up not making the choice for themselves.

[KathyM]

I have been in an affair for almost 5 yrs w a man I love deeply. He moved here 5 yrs ago and his wife lives a few states south of us and he goes to visit her about 1 wkend a mo and his college daughter. His home has been "our place" our space. Since she is so far away there has been no need to hide or be discreet because everyone local has just seen him with me. I think this is why I have survived being in this relationship so long, in my world she has barely existed. I knew he was not going to leave her, that much has been clear for quite some time, reasons he is nearing retirement and loss of money and most of all I think he is afraid of destroying his relationship w his daughter which is very dependant on both of them. There is a history of manipulation and guilt on the daughters part. I know she has thought her father was having an affair for quite some time.

 

So 2 days ago we are sitting on the deck talking and he hits me w some news that tore my heart out of my chest and I feel broken into a million pieces. I am feeling such anxiety I don't know how to deal with this. I have no experience, this is my first and definately last affair. His wifes company is downsizing and she is going to be asked to retire early later this year and she wants to retire, sell the house and move here with him. I totally lost it, I fell to pieces and bawled my eyes out and for 3 days I cannot even think of him without tears coming to my eyes. He is my best friend and everything to me. He says he is lost too, he doesn't know what to do either. I suggested he tell her to stay there, but I don't think that is going to happen. I know I cannot stand to have a relationship w him on the sly w her here. I would never have gotten myself into this mess if that is how things had been. I feel such a deep sadness inside of me like death is coming and I don't know how to handle it.

I have had horrible thoughts of telling her so she will leave him. I know that is vengeful and mean and I don't think I could actually do that. But the feeling to lash out is there. I know she has no idea I exist.

How do I deal with this? Do I keep on going until the day she comes, do I try to protect my heart and leave him now? I feel full of anxiety and sadness and that I have no control over anything.

I am completely lost.

You were wrong to try to build your happiness with a married man. You deserve better. He is not worth it. Anyone who would cheat on his wife is not someone worth keeping. I would suggest you leave him and also let his wife know what he has been doing. You would be doing her a favor, and yourself. There are much better men out there, believe me.

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:, Make your demands today. It's friday... no better day than the weekend. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Honestly him telling you this information means he's already decided to stay with his wife. You have to be the one to walk away without him in your life. This will be hard than most relationship since you've been in a sense the wife. I'm so sorry hun. It's time to break away now. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL SHE RETIRES. MAKE YOUR DEMANDS NOW. Know what your worth. It's time. Best wishes.

[NoIDidn't]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:, Make your demands today. It's friday... no better day than the weekend. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Honestly him telling you this information means he's already decided to stay with his wife. You have to be the one to walk away without him in your life. This will be hard than most relationship since you've been in a sense the wife. I'm so sorry hun. It's time to break away now. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL SHE RETIRES. MAKE YOUR DEMANDS NOW. Know what your worth. It's time. Best wishes.

 

Part of this post made me chuckle because the OP has not be in any real sense "the wife". Even she acknowledges that, while more open than other affairs, she is the OW.

 

But I agree. Don't wait until the actual wife retires. Make your decision long before that happens otherwise you'll stay the OW and will get to experience what the OW that lives close enough to see the family go through. And its not as glamorous as its made out to be.

[Spark1111]

I'm a former "scorned" wife here....

 

When I discovered her existence and the affair, i did go bats*it crazy, throwing him out, seeing a lawyer, hurling plates at his head, packing my bags.

 

She gracefully and lovingly sat by, hoping he'd choose her as he cried at her kitchen table how much he missed his family.

 

He chose me. Quote:"I never realized how much you loved me."

 

It coulda been a different scenario if she wasn't so, ahem, nice and accommodating.

 

Draw your line in the sand, make your demands, find a plan of action and stick to it.

 

Will he choose you? Maybe. Maybe not. But he will definitely RESPECT you more. As much as you display how much you respect yourself.

 

....that's all I got....good luck.

[Miss Clavel]

If you know how to contact his W, I think you should tell her.

 

Not because you are trying to keep him or hoping she will leave him, but because it will save her the trip of selling all her stuff and moving just to be blind-sided.

 

If she stays married and sells all of that stuff with the knowledge that he's been with you while there, then that's her business.

 

But I would feel terribly guilty for knowing that someone is about to uproot themselves for a lie and I could have shed some light on things before they made such a huge decision.

 

I can't say how he feels about you, but I can say that I think he did you a disservice in dropping things on you the way he did. But that's typical of MM towards the OW. They expect her to accommodate the changes in their lives, but do very little in adjusting for her. I can get that he's torn, but he needed to be closer to a decision on what he was going to do before he shared that with you. As it stands, it sounds like he's asking you to go into the shadows because his W is coming. Sounds like he is not interested in rocking the boat of his marriage, but will certainly rock the foundation of your A with him.

 

Either way, though, I think its unfair to wait until she's lost her comfort zone by moving there for her to find out that he's having an affair. And I'm not a "you should tell them" kind of poster at all. I just think its better for her to find out about you before she puts her home on the market.

 

 

I agree. The OP and her MM should discuss letting the wife decide for herself if she wants to sell everything and retire with a man that's unfaithful.

[Summer Breeze]

I'd have a chat with him. I'd let him know that this is your home. This town is your town. The places you go with him are your places. You will not skulk away when she joins him. If he wants to bring her there makd sure he is aware that is your turf and you are not backing down or off. If any of your common friends ask questions or she hears about anything be very clear you will not lie for him.

 

Don't let him take any more power from you. It's been isolated and easy and now it isn't. Be clear to him what YOUR life will be like and let him worry about his.

 

The one thing I have to say is to mean it. Claim it. Live your life the way you want it and let him decide if it's worth the risk to move his into your neighborhood.

 

This is not said to make the BS uncomfortable. It's said to let you know that YOU have some power and can affect what he decides.

 

I hate to say this to you because I know you won't want to hear it but the only way he will keep you in his life is by starting to hide you. You're worth more than that and only you will allow him to do that to you.

 

Good luck and I hope your heart heals

[TurboGirl]

BlueEyes11,

 

Wow, I'm sorry. Difficult situation. Have you discussed feelings with him? Has he considered leaving/divorcing?

 

Please do not tell the Wife. Not your place. (many will disagree with me, but I feel it is NOT your place) She may suspect... but he should be the one to tell her, if anyone.

 

The way I see it... 5 years, OMG a long time. I would be stepping back, waaaaaaaaaay back, (yeah, I know it is hard, I know) you need to protect yourself and prepare for the inevitable. Start reclaiming your "single life" and mourn now. Back up back up... perhaps you not being available will make a different and he will see what that he misses you, and make a choice. He needs to suffer along without you for a bit and see how it feels. Might be what he needs if he really does love you, you will know.

 

It will be difficult for you for a while going to "your" places, but you live there! It is your place. You will have to work through it. Difficult, but it can be done.

 

I just can't see you sitting there for the time being, settling for crumbs when you KNOW that the W will be moving there and you won't be able to see each other then. So what happens when she moves to your town... you totally break it off with your MM? Do it now... explain to him...this gives him a little time to figure things out. Then you will know. Either way, it is a tough spot for you. ((((HUG))))

[fooled once]

Hey Blueeyes,

 

I'm sorry that you're in such pain.

I'm not going to lecture you, but in all honesty, you knew that this guy is living a double life, he was never really yours.

 

Now "worlds are gonna collide" and there is no way to change that.

 

I would imagine that you knew in the back of your head that the life you had with him will be coming to an end, but you just never fully acknowledged that fact, you lived in the Now with him.

 

I believe that you're thinking of telling his W because you're panicking at the thought of losing the life you have with him. But don't be so sure she'll leave him even if she did know, if she's going to retire, and leave her friends, etc, she might be afraid to leave him.

 

Also, he might end up leaving you for telling his wife and causing so much drama.

 

It would just be cruel to tell her just to attain the goal of having him - which doesn't even sound likely because he told you he wont leave her.

 

I'm sorry for you sadness and pain, but it would probably be best to start distancing yourself from him now.

 

Great post Tiger. I agree. While blueeyes has been playing pretend house with him, his wife has been raising their child alone. His once a month visit for a couple days doesn't count as co-parenting.

 

I appreciate all of your opinions. Even the ones I can tell are from scorned wives. I never set out to hurt anyone. I said I had thoughts of telling her, but I am really not a vindictive person at all and I do not want to hurt her. I think she has been use to turning a blind eye for a long time, I am not the first. His previous OW lasted 10 yrs, so I really do not think it would make her leave him. That is not how I would want it to be anyhow. What I really wished is he would chose me. I know this relationship would have continued on for yrs just as it has, I just never let myself think of end. Who does though? You fall in love with someone and you want it to go on forever, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, but you cannot really love someone and think of an ending.

I want to go gracefully and lovingly so we can both cherish what we shared. Its just so hard. I know it was not easy for him to tell me. He kept apologizing for hurting me. I know he feels bad. I just am disapointed so that he doesn't feel bad enough to do something about it.

 

Can you point out the posts that were from "scorned" wives? Wow, that is pretty insulting.

 

So because he has chosen to cheat, gaslight her and lie to her, she MUST be turning a blind eye, right? Can't possibly be because she trusted this piece of crap.

 

Did you think you two would go on playing house forever? Did you not think that maybe one day his wife - HIS WIFE - and daughter would come visit him? So when you 'fell in love' with this married man, you never envisioned it ending; since he told you he isn't divorcing her? Did you just think they would continue to live in different areas forever?

 

He doesn't love you enough to dump his wife. He doesn't care about you enough to end his marriage. Yet, you are wanting to tell his wife because she did what exactly? Because she is the one married to him and you aren't? Because she is going to retire and take away your MM? Because she is so 'dependent' upon him? Aren't you? You are talking about crying and all that because HER husband is your BFF and you are going to be shoved aside when she moves there? You live with him - you rely on him to support you - and yet you demean his wife for being dependent? Is that really fair? Maybe she considers him her BFF? I mean, she is his wife and the mother of his child. If he really had no feelings left for her, he would have divorced her ages ago. But he hasn't. SOMETHING is stopping him and it isn't his adult daughter's manipulation. And have you spoken to his daughter to determine if she knows that you are sleeping with her dad? Or is that just more supposition?

 

You chose to have an affair; so you went into this knowing full well he was married and again, he told you he wasn't leaving her. You knew the "rules" prior to living with him. Be grateful that you got 5 years with him.

 

By telling his wife, if she chose to kick him out, you would only 'get him' by default. Are you okay with that? Being second choice?

[whichwayisup]

There's no way this guy has the balls big enough to move her out and move his wife into that house and that Town. If anything, he'll sell the house and not allow his wife to move, he'll move back or they'll move somewhere else.

 

I'm not sure how this guy figures he'll never be found out, living a double life! This is more than just a typical affair, he HAS built another life with someone else all the meanwhile still staying married and his unsuspecting wife is left in the dark. It's unfair and this MM is a total scumbagshi.tface liar! He is playing both women.

 

I feel for their child, how innocent and she's about to have her world turned upside down..

[SoleMate]

FWIW, I have never knowingly been a scorned wife, BS, or OW. I do my best to give advice and support from a neutral perspective.

[Barrsitter]

Oh Dear...

 

I was until recently, in your position. Was seeing a married man for 2.5 yrs. He hasn't left his wife - they are now in counselling to figure out what they are going to do. He told her about me right at the start but didn't leave her because "she would break"..."she needs me"...."It would crush her"....blah, blah, blah.

 

I was as sad as you are now. Then I went for Reiki treatments and counselling. It caused a shift in my heart and my head. Praise God!!!

 

Now I feel good. I stopped communicating with him one day. I didn't say "goodbye for ever" or "I hate you" or anything. I just stopped texting him. So in effect, I left the door open. But in my head, I've moved on. No screaming, demanding, fighting, cajoling, pushing or pulling. I just stepped off the path and onto another one.

 

Please Dear One....go get some Reiki or counselling or something to help you learn to love yourself more than you do. This is not a good situation for you. You deserve a man's full attention and time unhindered by any other commitments. Full stop. That's what I decided for myself. Please decide this too for yourself.

[SidLyon]

I'm a BW and wish someone had told me, so yes tell his wife irrespective of your motives.

 

By the way you do yourself no favours by insulting other posters with comments about "scorned wives". At the time you posted that comment, I don't believe anyone who is/was a BW had posted on your thread.

 

Scorned is not what I call myself. I know one poster said that afterwards, but maybe she was being facetious.

[Bionic Me]

I have been in an affair for almost 5 yrs w a man I love deeply. He moved here 5 yrs ago and his wife lives a few states south of us and he goes to visit her about 1 wkend a mo and his college daughter. His home has been "our place" our space. Since she is so far away there has been no need to hide or be discreet because everyone local has just seen him with me. I think this is why I have survived being in this relationship so long, in my world she has barely existed. I knew he was not going to leave her, that much has been clear for quite some time, reasons he is nearing retirement and loss of money and most of all I think he is afraid of destroying his relationship w his daughter which is very dependant on both of them. There is a history of manipulation and guilt on the daughters part. I know she has thought her father was having an affair for quite some time.

 

So 2 days ago we are sitting on the deck talking and he hits me w some news that tore my heart out of my chest and I feel broken into a million pieces. I am feeling such anxiety I don't know how to deal with this. I have no experience, this is my first and definately last affair. His wifes company is downsizing and she is going to be asked to retire early later this year and she wants to retire, sell the house and move here with him. I totally lost it, I fell to pieces and bawled my eyes out and for 3 days I cannot even think of him without tears coming to my eyes. He is my best friend and everything to me. He says he is lost too, he doesn't know what to do either. I suggested he tell her to stay there, but I don't think that is going to happen. I know I cannot stand to have a relationship w him on the sly w her here. I would never have gotten myself into this mess if that is how things had been. I feel such a deep sadness inside of me like death is coming and I don't know how to handle it.

I have had horrible thoughts of telling her so she will leave him. I know that is vengeful and mean and I don't think I could actually do that. But the feeling to lash out is there. I know she has no idea I exist.

How do I deal with this? Do I keep on going until the day she comes, do I try to protect my heart and leave him now? I feel full of anxiety and sadness and that I have no control over anything.

I am completely lost.

 

This is what happens when you build castles in the sand!

 

I am sorry that you are hurting but from what you have said above, you pretty much have lived in a fantasy. You failed to face the probability of having to wake up to reality. It's knocking on your door now.

 

It's sad that you were perfectly fine with these accomodations and now that things are not looking good for you, you want to tell his W. In your world "she has barely existed". That's really your mishap, because she well exists and so does his daughter.How unrealistic is that? You have facilitated his lifestyle!

 

Your chances are slim, doesn't seem like your MM is going to make a move in your favor. Besides, this is not the first time that he's had a long term A. I hope that you start making plans to free yourself from this spineless SOB. Cut him off, your losses will actually be less if you do.

 

I guess you can now be a proud member of the "scorned women's club". Just sayin! Why are you mad at strangers? You have placed yourself in your situation. Be for real.

[Spark1111]

I'm a BW and wish someone had told me, so yes tell his wife irrespective of your motives.

 

By the way you do yourself no favours by insulting other posters with comments about "scorned wives". At the time you posted that comment, I don't believe anyone who is/was a BW had posted on your thread.

 

Scorned is not what I call myself. I know one poster said that afterwards, but maybe she was being facetious.

 

Very facetious, Sid!!

 

Because I so refuse to be a victim, I actually prefer FS as in Faithful Spouse, to BS.

 

OP, why do so many wait around for someone else to make a decision like a GROWN UP?

 

He told you of her plans, but did nothing to dissuade her.

 

You are crying and seem so powerless to enact a boundary.

 

She can't enact a boundary because she remains unaware that she should do so.

 

Typical cowardly MM....waiting for one woman or the other to draw a line in the sand.

[OWoman]

I'd have a chat with him. I'd let him know that this is your home. This town is your town. The places you go with him are your places. You will not skulk away when she joins him. If he wants to bring her there makd sure he is aware that is your turf and you are not backing down or off. If any of your common friends ask questions or she hears about anything be very clear you will not lie for him.

 

Don't let him take any more power from you. It's been isolated and easy and now it isn't. Be clear to him what YOUR life will be like and let him worry about his.

 

The one thing I have to say is to mean it. Claim it. Live your life the way you want it and let him decide if it's worth the risk to move his into your neighborhood.

 

This is not said to make the BS uncomfortable. It's said to let you know that YOU have some power and can affect what he decides.

 

I hate to say this to you because I know you won't want to hear it but the only way he will keep you in his life is by starting to hide you. You're worth more than that and only you will allow him to do that to you.

 

Good luck and I hope your heart heals

 

I agree with this. Your life and your options are not worth less than his. You have as much right to your continued visibility as he has to his. You have as much right to continuing to hang out at your favourite spots, to see your (mutual, or personal) friends, to move around your neighbourhood with your head held high, as he has.

 

Why should YOU have to slink off into the shadows because he decides to bring someone else onto the scene? It was your life as much as it was his, there, together, in your neighbourhood, and he has no more right to claim that stomping ground than you have.

 

I'd agree with SB that you should put that to him, so that he realises it's not all about him, and that he needs to lie in the bed of his own making when it comes to what happens next. Even if you do not go out of your way to make things uncomfortable for them, given that you've been open as a couple, even arb others will still double take when he arrives with someone else - who isn't just "new" but claims to have been his W even back then. If she's at all tuned in, she's likely to pick up on that too - so chances are it's lose-lose all round if he plays it the way he's suggested. Hopefully good sense will prevail and he'll recognise how foolish such a move would be for EVERYONE.

 

You are not some inconvenient factor to be erased at will. Your life is as important to you as his is to him. You have every right to make sure he understands that! Good luck